Not Even Close To The New Doctor On The Block © 2005 Margaret Price

Author's note: Okay, we've had "New Doctor On The Block." "Not The New Doctor On The Block" and now this. I think this is the last of the sequels, but who can say... I lay the blame for this entry squarely on the shoulders of Gary Merchant from the Whofic site, who requested it in the first place. So everyone say thank you to Gary Somebody-or-other, when he is mentioned herein.

I do not own Doctor Who, the logo or anything else the BBC is making a ton of money off of. I take no responsibility for injuries received due to laughing fits or damaged hardware due to spilled beverages.

My only request is that you do not give away the ending. Your reviews of derision are greatly appreciated. No, wait…


NOT EVEN CLOSE TO THE NEW DOCTOR ON THE BLOCK

THE SAME DAY

THE SAME PUB

SOMEWHERE IN LONDON

SOME TIME AFTER JUNE 18, 2005…

The First, Second and Third Doctors turned back to their table. The Ninth Doctor was ordering his second bottle and having a good wallow in self-pity.

"Now, where were we?" the Second Doctor asked, rubbing his hands together.

The Fifth Doctor leaned over to get a better look at what they were doing, seeing an open laptop computer on the table. He scowled, wondering why he had not noticed it before, and why the others were using it in the first place. He moved closer to see what mischief they were getting into, and if he could join them.

"What do you think?" the Third Doctor asked, turning the screen so the others to see it. "Says it all, doesn't it?

The First Doctor raised an eyebrow. "Goodness me, that's a bit…graphic, isn't it?

"That was rather the point, wasn't it?"

"Now what conspiracy are you three cooking up?" the Fifth Doctor asked, leaning over the First Doctor's shoulder to get a better look at the screen.

"None of your business," the Second Doctor huffed. He tried to shut the computer, but was prevented by the Fifth Doctor, who was reading the display, an amused smile coming to his face. He cleared his throat before saying, "The spelling is c-u-m, not c-o-m-e."

"Is it?" the First Doctor returned his attention to the screen.

Throwing a quick glance over to the pity party that was still going on at the bar, the Fifth Doctor asked, "Have you lot been the ones posting all that slash about him?"

"Slash?"

"Oh dear, oh dear. You are newbies, aren't you?"

"Newbies!" The Third Doctor made a show of being offended.

"Yes, newbies," came the unrepentant reply. "Now, don't get your knickers in a twist. This internet thing didn't really take off until after you lot were dead. Stands to reason you'd be a bit…unfamiliar with the slang."

As he spoke, the Fifth Doctor waved the Sixth over. Since he, too, had gotten bored with the Ninth Doctor's whining, he crossed to the others. "Now what?" he asked. "This little group has conspiracy written all over it."

"Excellent observation," the Fifth Doctor replied, nodding toward the laptop. "We need another beta reader and editor."

"Oh no," the Second Doctor moaned. "We want people to be able to understand this!"

"I am capable of putting more than two coherent words together, you know," the Sixth Doctor shot back. "And don't give me that look. We've all had our share of gibberish over the years."

"Some of us more than others," the Third Doctor snorted, receiving appreciative nodded from the First and Second Doctors.

"You're a fine one to talk. Just tell me, what exactly happens when you reverse the polarity of the neutron flow?"

The Third Doctor was prevented from answering but the derisive snickering of ascent from the others. The Sixth Doctor, in the meantime, leaned over and read the display, having to fight to keep from bursting out laughing. Once he got control of himself, he pointed at the screen. "That's spelled—"

"We know, we know!" the Second Doctor replied, slapping his hand out of the way before quickly correcting the error.

The Sixth Doctor cleared his throat, exchanging an amused look with the Fifth. "I'm not sure even a Time Lord is capable of pulling all of that off at the same time."

The Third Doctor gave him a steady look. "Some of us are in better condition than others."

"Yes, but we all have the same number of orifices, if you take my meaning."

"I had the same thought," the Fifth Doctor said mildly. He exchanged a devilish look with the others before saying, "Post it."

"He'll hate it, you know," the Third Doctor snickered.

"That was the point, wasn't it? Hmm?" the First Doctor replied.

"Did you have to put sheep in it?" the Sixth Doctor asked. "Not that I'm complaining, mind."

The Third Doctor grinned, turning the computer back to face him. His fingers started clattering on the keys.

"Now all we have to do is wait and see if the fans appreciate our efforts," the Second Doctor grinned as the Third Doctor continued to struggle with the computer.

"And how, may one ask, do you intend to do that?" the Sixth Doctor asked astringently.

"Now who's the newbie," the Second Doctor said mockingly. "We'll know by the reviews, of course."

"Not everyone leaves a review," the Fifth Doctor informed. "In fact, not everyone answers letters, either. I wrote to one of the authors a while back, a decent enough writer. Gary Somebody-or-other. Never replied."

"What? That's rather rude, isn't it?" the Third Doctor remarked. "How will we know if anyone is even reading it?"

"You can see by the number of hits it gets."

"This is getting very confusing," the First Doctor sighed.

The Fifth Doctor drew a deep breath, his eyes going to the ceiling. "Please, tell me I was never this naïve."

"I say," the Third Doctor interrupted, "what category should this go under?"

The Sixth Doctor leaned over to look at the screen. "Slash, BDSM, PWP, Graphic Sex, Graphic Violence—" He broke off and waved a hand in the air. "Oh, hell, just select them all."

"What does all that lot mean, anyway?" the Second Doctor wanted to know.

The Sixth Doctor exchanged a knowing look with the Fifth before the latter explained the definitions.

"Oh, look," the Sixth Doctor said suddenly, glancing over to the First Doctor. "There's one here about you and Ian."

"What's so unusual about…?" The First Doctor's voice trailed off as he noticed the amused smirks coming to the faces of the others.

"Oh, bugger."