Confessions of an Insomniac
For the record, I hate you both. I know you're laughing at me while I write, because this is all just a sick, twisted joke that you're playing at my expense. What the hell are you going to do with these things in the future, anyway? Try and analyze my personality? Dig deep beneath the surface to find my 'inner soul' or some such philosophical bullshit? Here, listen. I have a secret to tell you. Ready?
I wear red boxers.
Make sense of that.
"Dude, he doesn't need to be all snide."
"Oh, come on. You know him. He wasn't happy about doing this in the first place. And besides, were you really expecting anything else?"
"No, I guess not." There was a pause. "I'm not surprised about the boxers."
"That sounded weird, didn't it?"
"Just a little. What exactly weren't you surprised about?"
"Well…that they're red."
"Now that you mention it, I can't see him in green boxers. Or purple boxers. "
"So…it's possible to judge people by their boxers. Is this the conclusion we're making?"
"You are the one who brought it up. And yeah, I think you can. I mean, take a guy who wears…oh, I don't know…blue boxers with dinosaurs all over them. That would suggest he's either an eternal kid, or he loves dinosaurs."
"What does that have to do with Gaara?"
"Let's get back to red. Red can mean many different things. Hate. Blood. Death. Love. Sounds like Gaara, doesn't it?"
"You know what we're doing, don't you."
"We're analyzing, like he said we would."
"Oh…I guess you're right."
"I know I am."
"Why should I?"
"Because I'm older than you."
Classic trump card of an elder sister.
So what am I supposed to talk about? You know that I'm not very chatty, unlike some people I know, who could spend their lives yakking your ear off about stupid crap that inevitably ends up stuck in your head because it's so stupid. Like Rock Lee and his obsession with that wacked out bowl-headed spandexoid of a sensei.
I am aware that spandexoid is not a word. I made it up myself.
Well hot damn. I have a sense of humor.
Snorts of laughter.
"That was good."
"I wonder what Thick-Brows would do if he ever heard that?"
"He'd probably be filled with righteous indignation and beat the crap out of the offending person or persons responsible for the slander."
"I'll bet he was taking a jab at me when he said that. You know, the thing about knowing people who talk a lot. I think I talk too much."
"So do I."
"Gee, thanks. I've been reassured of my self-worth."
"No problem. That's what sisters are for."
I like coffee. I'm drinking some right now. It has a very…interesting taste. Bitter but sweet at the same time, since I put sugar in it. I'm not one of those who can down the stuff black. Tried that once. Bad results. Some came out my nose when I choked on it. Got on my pretty white Kazekage robes, and I didn't have time to change them.
Imagine those headlines.
"The all-powerful Kazekage-sama—and former homicidal maniac—officiates meeting with questionable brown substance dribbled down his front…"
Yes, I do think about these things. My head's not shoved so far up my ass that I can't be concerned about my appearance anymore.
"Wait…I remember that! He had his scarf down a bit lower than usual, which didn't really make sense. It looked odd."
"I must've been on a mission."
"Yeah, you were."
"I want coffee."
"So go make some."
"All we have are beans, though, not pre-ground stuff."
"That's what the grinder's for."
"What's this? The super-woman doesn't know how to use a grinder?" Snickers.
"Shut up! I never learned!"
"How the hell is it possible for me to know how to use it and not you?"
"I don't know!"
More snickers. "That's pathetic."
There came an ominous sound similar to knuckles cracking.
"Don't make me get my fan…"
"Sorry, wench, but I'll deck you with Karasu before you get the chance."
Well, I've had an interesting revelation.
Today, I was in the council room before another damn meeting, and I was told by a certain individual who will remain unnamed—TEMARI—that I look like a chipmunk.
As in, cute, fuzzy little critter with buckteeth that lives in trees and eats nuts.
What. The. Hell.
I have never in my life been referred to as a chipmunk. Never. I am more used to the old, 'murderous salivating monster,' or 'what IS that thing?' or 'HOLY SHIT, HE'S SCARY!'
Where did CHIPMUNK come from?
Of course, I immediately accused my dearest, darling sister of insinuating that I look weird because I've got no eyebrows, and she laughed and laughed and laughed and said it was my cheeks.
We'll say it one more time.
Unfortunately, I am not in a position to do anything about the apparent pudginess of my cheeks. I haven't exactly spent a lot of time previously scrutinizing them, but I can't look at anything else now, thanks ever so much, Temari. Now, everywhere I go, a little voice—and not Shukaku's, either—will be whispering in my ear about my…chipmunkiness, and I'll probably wind up doing something stupid and making myself look very un-Kazekage-ish. Which…would be bad.
You must remember, I'm still a kid. I have to seem like I'm sure of myself, or people will walk all over me.
Well, maybe not. The general fear surrounding my person has not entirely dissipated yet, so I have a bit of an advantage. In theory. Don't really want to test that.
And if I'm a chipmunk, Temari, you're a blonde porcupine with a major jealousy complex.
You don't have a pointy hat.
We won't even mention Kankuro. (The kid wears makeup. And cat ears. Intentionally. This family has issues.)
But I'm the only one with a triangle hat.
Chipmunk…can't get over that…
Scarred for life…(oh, wait…already happened, didn't it? Gah…that's getting into the past, and I don't want to go there).
"I like my hood!"
"I know you do. You've had it since we were little."
"Because I like it!"
"Yes, that's what you said."
"And my makeup completes the image!"
Arms were crossed over a chest. A moment of contemplation.
"Did…did you really call him a…" –laughter— "…chipmunk?"
Giggles. "Yeah. But he does look like one, doesn't he?" More giggles. "He has the most adorable baby face."
"I don't know if I'd go that far, but…aw hell." Chortles. "He does look like one."
"I told you!" There was a rustle of paper as a page was turned. "Oy, is my coffee ready yet?"
"I liked the porcupine comment," he ignored her question, smirking. "It perfectly describes you."
"Say that again, I dare you."
In a singsong voice, he remarked, "Someone's jealous of the ha-at!"
"I am not!"
"No I'm not!"
I've come to the realization that coffee not only tastes good, it makes me hyper. I can barely write because I keep tapping my fingers on the desk and twirling the pen between them. I'm not very good at twirling. The pen's fallen more times than I've twirled it. Maybe that has something to do with my eyes being unfocused.
Hyper, hyper, hyper.
Coffee is good…
I need sleep.
This is what happens when my chronic state of insomnia catches up to me, which it does every now and then. I get…loopy. Have daydreams. See things that aren't there.
Like the guy in the chicken suit standing in the corner.
In for a trip? I'll tell you about one of my daydreams.
I was a cow. Being milked. OH, YES. Isn't that a delectable mental image? Gaara the cow. Which would make me female.
I don't understand females. They baffle me. A lot of the time, they'll say one thing and mean the opposite, and I HATE that. I've always been a very straightforward type of guy. If I say I'm gonna kill you, then you're gonna die, it's that simple. I wouldn't tell someone I'm gonna kill them and then turn around and give them a huge ass bear hug.I may have been a ruthless bastard, but at least I was an honest bastard.
And then there's that whole 'time of the month' business. Let's use Temari as an example. One minute, she's all chipper, and the next it's like "BACK THE HELL OFF BEFORE I EAT YOU!" Either that or she's all weepy. I really don't get it. Do you, Kankuro? You've been around Temari a lot longer than I have. Am I missing some vital factor here?
The pen just took another flying lesson. I need to find something else to play with. Like rubber bands. I've got a lot of those.
And more coffee. Lots more coffee.
"No, man, I don't understand any better than you."
"I can't believe you can still talk."
"Yeah, well, we Jounins are durable. I can take a hit or two just fine."
"That was more than a 'hit or two,' don't you think?"
"Brain's broken. You'll have to excuse me."
The female of the duo rolled her eyes.
"Gaara the cow…that's more frightening than Gaara possessed by Shukaku."
"Tell me about it. I never realized how…unique our brother is. I mean, where does he come up with this stuff? It's actually kind of funny."
"Well, when you haven't slept in sixteen odd years, you can sort of imagine the chaos that's gotta be going on in his head—not to mention the fact that he's got a demon in him."
"True. He defies nature, that one."
So maybe playing with rubber bands wasn't the brightest idea. Those suckers hurt like hell when they backfire on you. I've got a welt on my hand because my sand wasn't quick enough to ward it off.
Someone has to produce an improved brand. Mine's clearly reached the end of the line. It's crapping out.
Mom probably won't like that I suggested that.
And you know what the funny thing is?
I don't care.
Had another daydream. This one featured Sexy no Jutsu. Don't ask me why. I've spent too much time around Naruto. He's corrupting my pure, virgin thoughts, the bastard. Next thing you know, I'll be a twenty-year-old lecher carrying around those books of Kakashi's and giggling hysterically like a naughty schoolboy.
Anyway, the daydream.
I was female again, obviously, (but not a cow this time!) and…I was…well…sexy. Dead sexy. I so sexy, I wanted myself.
If that's not morally wrong on every count, I don't know what is.
Cue the Twilight Zone theme song.
In what world do you want yourself in female form? In what world do you get the chance to see yourself in female form, for cripes sake!
I had this cute little voice too. Sickeningly cute.
And my chest…
Yeah, it was big.
Does this mean I have been shown, in some remarkably perverse way, the type of woman I want?
Gives me shivers.
Aren't you two so happy you wheedled me into doing this? I'm sure by now you've seen more of what goes on in my head than you'd care to. It's a scary place, ain't it?
Welcome to my world.
Always wanted to say that.
Now if you'll excuse me, my pointy hat and I have to go be all official and imposing. Maybe I'll write more later, maybe I won't. We'll see.
Temari closed the red-leather cover of the notebook, exchanging glances with her brother.
Kankuro nodded. "That's exactly how I feel."
Their eyes met and held.
As one, the two siblings roared with laughter, oblivious to the new presence in the doorway.
Sabaku no Gaara—or Mr. Chipmunk—Kazekage of the Sand and youngest brother of Temari and Kankuro, leaned against the doorframe, watching them.
"I take it you're both satisfied."
Kankuro recovered first. He looked over his shoulder at his brother with a grin. "I don't think I've laughed so hard in my life."
A ghost of a smile appeared on Gaara's face as he moved into the room and flopped into an armchair. "Well that's just fabulous, Kankuro. I can die happy now," he claimed, voice dripping sarcasm.
"You are going to write more, aren't you?" Temari demanded once she'd gotten her amusement under control. "It's a good exercise for someone like you. Helps keep track of your thoughts."
If Gaara had been blessed with eyebrows, one of them would've been cocked.
"Don't try to be sly with me, Temari. You're just fishing for a plausible way to encourage me for your own personal enjoyment."
His sister raised one of her own eyebrows. "And? Your point is?"
Gaara stared at her, completely nonplussed. Wonderful. Another stupid decision on my part that I'm going to pay for in spades…I never should have touched that damn notebook…
"I'll think about it."
Temari smirked triumphantly at Kankuro, who smirked right back.
Wow. This has to be one of the most random stories I've EVER written, but…the idea popped into my head, and I had to roll with it. XD Probably because I was listening to Oh! Naruto Nippon (funniest radio show EVER!) earlier, and it inspired me. The cow and Sexy no Jutsu bits are in there. Such good stuff.