A/N: None of these characters belong to me! This story is mainly inside jokes btwn me and my friend Amanda, and we just decided to write this out of humor. Please read and review, and tell us what you think! (If you thought it was funny, weird, and even horrible!) If you are easily offended: Do Not Read!

Lupin's Love Slave

Chapter 1

Deep down in the dark dungeons...


Professor Severus Snape sat at his desk filling out a blank sheet of parchment. Well, he wasn't exactly filling it with writing, he was drawing on it. Snape laughed rather long as he observed his queer drawing. It was of Potter and Weasley engaging in a beverage of poisoned potions, served by none other than the Potions Master himself. Since Severus was noticeably bored and had nothing better to do than crack open a cold can of beer, he got up from his desk to spy on the Hogwarts residents.

My of my, the things he knew...and not to mention saw.

It was best to start off in the halls and make his way down to Hagrid's hut.

He got a shock to see Professor Lupin walking down the halls in a marching sort of fashion. He had his hand outstretched and was chanting. In German?

"Professor Lupin?" Snape asked.

"What?" Lupin said, utterly scared.

"What do you think you are doing?"

"Um, I um..."

Snape observed the walking style, moustache, language and out stretched hand. Not to mention the Nazi armband.

"Hitler admirer?" Snape asked. "I was always fishy about that shit smothered on your face you claimed to be a moustache!"

"It's nothing!" Remus said covering up the armband. "And I don't have a shit smothered looking moustache! Sometimes it's chocolate!"

"Sure," Snape whispered.

"Go away!" Remus demanded, pointing an extremely certainly unnatural long finger.

"Damn, is that hereditary?"

"RIDDIKULUS!" Remus yelled, poking Snape in the bak.

"Ow stop that you fantasy finger freak! Avada Kedavra!"

And Remus collapsed on the floor.

"Oh well, time to scurry now."

Thus Snape continued tine journey to Hagrid's hut.

He soon saw other people marching to the deep dark forest.

Snape followed them all the way to the "heart" of the woods. He cursed as he stepped in a large pile of poop.

When he looked up, he saw none other than Peter Pettigrew and Sibyl Trelawney.

Pettigrew was dressed as some sort of mole.

And Trelawney was dressed like some crazy cocaine addict in a nightdress, no wait! That was what she wore all the time.

"Halt! For I am HOLEY MOLEY!" Pettigrew screamed. He launched into the air like a rocket and was soon joined by Trelawney.

"And I am RATTY RATTAN!" She yelled, blasting in the air after him.

When they were right next to each other, Trelawney stuck out her tongue and flicked it in the air at Pettigrew.

"WHERE'S YOUR PARTNER IN CRIME?" She laughed, lapping her tongue.

Snape followed the flying figures all the way to Hagrid's hut. By the way, he heard strange moaning noises from the inside.

"GIDDY UP!" Hagrid was yelling.

Snape tripped over one of the giant pumpkins and burst inside the hut.

Hagrid was riding on a pony replica chair screaming 'giddy up.' And spanking his own ass in the process. He was also wearing a short pink skirt.

Hagrid paused his ride and looked at Snape suspiciously.

"It's still my turn!" He screamed at the chair and he bitch-slapped it.

What in Merlin's dick!" Snape yelled, as he observed the scene before him.

"It's not Merlin's dick's turn, either!" Hagrid protested, spanking the chair again.

"No! I mean is what in Merlin's dick is that?" Snape said, as a long slimy object crept out from under Hagrid's skirt.

"That's my pet snake!" Hagrid yelled.

And the 'snake' for some reason spat out a white substance.

"It's a spitting cobra!" Hagrid announced, knowing it really wasn't a snake but his...

Snape ran outside the hut to hide behind a giant pumpkin.

He heard more moaning, but he recognized the voices as that of Harry and Hermione.

"Oh sing it again! The pumpkin song Harry!" Hermione screamed in pleasure.

And Harry sang:

"Bippity Boppity Boo!

One for me

And one for you!"

"POTTER! GRANGER!" Snape yelled.

Suddenly one of the pumpkins began to shake and an extremely wrinkly old hippie man burst out of the pumpkin completely naked; Dumbledore.

"NAKED TIME!" He yelled.

Snape screamed and ran into the castle where he crashed into Neville Pushing a trash can and drooling. He was wearing a football helmet so he wouldn't hit himself and cause more damage to his brain then he already had.

"LOOK PROFESSOR SNAPE!" Neville said drooling as he pushed the trash can. "I DID IT!"

"Good for you! Um...what's you first name Longbottom?"

"PIANO!" Neville said.

Just then Lupin emerged from the corridor and found Snape.

He pointed women's vaginal fantasy long finger at Snape and yelled, "YOU!"

Snape looked at him dumbstruck.

"YOU!" Lupin repeated pointing women's vaginal fantasy long finger at Snape and twisting it, "COME HERE!"

Snape stood still and Lupin ran up to him.

"LOOK PROFESSOR LUPIN!" Neville said proudly, showing Remus the trash can he pushed around, "I DID IT!"

"That's..." Lupin began, "RIDDIKULUS!"

And he poked Neville in the asshole with his 'women's vaginal fantasy long finger' and Neville screamed with pleasure. "FILCH!"

"RIDDIKULUS!" Lupin screamed poking Snape.

"Ah stop that you bastard!" Snape yelled.

"HELP OS ON THE WAY!" They heard a voice yell.

"John Kerry!" Neville said, looking around for the senator.

"NOPE!" Peter Pettigrew yelled flying through the window. "HOLEY MOLEY!"

Trelawney followed. "AND RATTY RATTAN!" And she lapped her tongue in the air.

"And...RIDDIKULUS!" Lupin yelled, poking everyone with his 'women's vaginal fantasy long finger'.

"And...NAKED TIME!" Dumbledore announced as he jumped in. "Join me!" Yelled hay high hippie stoned Dumbledore.

"And...hiss hiss...MY PET SNAKE!" Hagrid yelled.

"And...PIANO!" Neville said, jumping for joy. "Look everyone! I DID IT!"

"PEEK-A-BOO TIME!" Yelled Filch to Neville.

"My favorite game!" Neville yelled following Filch into an empty classroom.

Snape ran away from the scene for his dear life.