ACT 15: Meeting of the Minds
House's office. The blinds are drawn and House, Cameron and Cuddy are sitting around the desk. They each have a glass in front of them. A bottle of scotch is in the middle of the desk.
CAMERON (HOUSE): So, how about that threesome.
HOUSE (CUDDY): In your dreams, little girl (she laughs when she says girl)
CUDDY (CAMERON): I'm not a little girl.
CAMERON (HOUSE): (looking her up and down.) No, you're not.
CUDDY (CAMERON): Would you stop that, and put on a sweater. I look like a slut.
CAMERON (HOUSE): (looks at down) But I feel so pretty.
HOUSE (CUDDY): (Cracks up) Come on. We have to concentrate. We've got a problem here.
CAMERON (HOUSE): Really? Good thing you're here. I wouldn't have been able to figure that out on my own.
HOUSE (CUDDY): Stuff it.
CUDDY (CAMERON): Come one. Cuddy…Cameron….I'm….She's right, whoever she is. We have to fix this.
CAMERON (HOUSE): Have you any suggestions?
CUDDY (CAMERON): I was hoping you'd figured it out.
CAMERON (HOUSE): I was too busy playing with all my new parts (she grabs one of her boobs)
CUDDY (CAMERON): (shocked) House! Stop it!
CAMERON (HOUSE): But you saw my wanker. What's fair is fair.
HOUSE (CUDDY): (laughs and rolls her eyes): Hmmm. Maybe we should wait on this whole switching back thing.
CAMERON (HOUSE): Why, you've already seen it.
HOUSE (CUDDY): Yeah, but not from this angle. It could look bigger from up here.
CUDDY (CAMERON): (embarrassed) Stop. We need to concentrate.
CAMERON (HOUSE): Yeah. (hits House in arm) pay attention.
HOUSE (CUDDY): When you say something worth listening to, I will pay attention. So, how did we get this way in the first place.
CAMERON (HOUSE): (thinks) There was a collision. I think that's when it started.
CUDDY (CAMERON): (realization dawning) That's right. And that's how we switched too (she points finger between her and Cuddy)
HOUSE (CUDDY): So, if we collide again, maybe we'll switch back?
CAMERON (HOUSE): So, I get my threesome after all.
(Cuddy and House hit her, each on a different arm)
CAMERON (HOUSE): (gets up) Lets each get in a corner of the room and run into each other.
HOUSE (CUDDY): Should we really do it all together, or should we go in pairs? We don't want to get even more mixed up.
CUDDY (CAMERON): The only other possibility is House in your body and you in mine.
CAMERON (HOUSE): Ooh, that could be fun!
HOUSE (CUDDY): Don't even think about it.
CUDDY (CAMERON): (frustrated) Really, do I have to separate you two? Can we focus.
They each go to a corner of the room. Cameron counts to three and they all run for the middle of the room, giving House a head start because of his limp. There is a great crash, and they all fall into a heap in the middle of the office.
HOUSE: That was fun. (holds head. Looks at his body and begins patting himself down.) I'm me! Hoorah! (shakes off a strange feeling of déjà vu)
CAMERON: Oh, thank God. (she looks at herself, feeling her arms and head)
HOUSE: I thought you didn't believe in God.
CAMERON: I don't. But I never believed that I could switch bodies with anyone either.
CUDDY: (Getting up and brushing herself off): I'm glad that's over. (she extends a hand to House and pulls him up.) Though it was very interesting.
HOUSE: I'm gonna kill Wilson. What did he say?
CUDDY: Nothing much.
CAMERON: (looking down, avoiding House's gaze) I'm sorry (meekly)
HOUSE: Sorry for what?
CAMERON: For taking a shower. I, uh, I looked.
CUDDY covers a laugh with her hand
HOUSE: You looked? Well, of all the low down, dirty tricks. I bet this was all your doing. I bet you wished on a star that you could be with me for a day, and poof, you got your wish.
CAMERON: (nearly crying) I said I was sorry.
HOUSE: (smiles) I'm kidding. Really, Cam, you need to learn to lighten up.
CAMERON: Yeah, well, you need to learn to cook. (she storms off)
CUDDY: That went well. (she leaves too.)
CAMERA zooms in on House's face. He has a huge smile. He looks very pleased with himself. The camera pans back to show House toss his cane from hand to hand, and walk over to his desk. He looks at the neatly piled papers, and with one hand, swishes them all over, several falling to the floor.