Irreplaceable to the heart
Chapter 9: Sacrificing the truth
Thank you for the reviews and for those who are still reading the story.
For My Reviewer
I am very sorry if I hadn't explained or elaborated the story. I guess it was more complicated than I had imagined. I was surprised that some readers understood the story and some didn't. So to those who were confused, I will try to explain it as best as possible:
Sakura only knew she had a mother, all her life. It is an 'assumption' that Nadeshiko, Sakura's mother, was married to Takaeshi Fujitaka and had Sakura as their daughter. Takaeshi died in a car crash and Nadeshiko was hospitalized.
Syaoran knew his mother married Touya's father, so he is Touya's half brother. Touya is older than he is, and a very intelligent and curious boy. He became a little detective and started searching his father's office to find his father's diary. In it were written in 'assumption' that basically Touya's father thought Syaoran wasn't his son. It seemed that Syaoran's mother had an affair with another man before she married Touya's father.
It is also an assumption that Syaoran may be the son of Takaeshi Fujitaka, the man of affair. Basically the truth is dying because Takaeshi, Syaoran's mother and Touya's father died.
If all is true, that means that Sakura is half sister with Syaoran. And that makes this entire incest thing a big problem in this story. But everything is all an assumption! The whole truth now lies in Nadeshiko, which I will introduce in this chapter.
Sorry for HappyTofu, Kaipanther and ahahahaha for not able to understand my complicated story. Thanks for the rest for reviewing and I assure you everything will settle down at the end. This is by the way, part of the climax of the story.
P.S. I hope that all makes sense. Please don't take this incest thing the wrong way. I am also disturbed by that taboo. So just as a warming up, they will now the truth at the end of the chapter, which I hope makes everything so interesting. I hope you all don't stop reading because of that.
Sakura could feel the ground beneath her again. She smiled at Andre and gave him a huge hug. 'Oh come on, you're too paranoid about all this,' Andre choked a laugh as Sakura held on to him tighter.
Then Sakura released him and got up, a bright smile formed on her face now. 'I have to go see Tomoyo. I'll see you around Andre?'
'Of course my dear,' Andre smiled and nod his head. When Sakura got out of her room Andre's smile dropped and he sunk on a chair nearest to him. He breathed out a sigh and shook his head, the proximity of her knowing the truth was nearing the limit.
And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight- 'Iris' Goo Goo Dolls
Saturday afternoon, Rose Square, coffee shop, outside bench)
Tomoyo was waiting by the bench, sipping her decaffeinated coffee. When she saw me, she waved her hands with a cheerful face.
'So what is the news Sakura-chan?' Tomoyo asked as I sat down facing her.
I gulped and bit my lips, 'Tomoyo, I need you to help me.'
Tomoyo looked at me cautiously and I continued, 'it's about my father Tomoyo. And why was it that I didn't have any relatives. And why didn't I know my father… and why was I in CC in the first place.'
Tomoyo sighed as she saw my weary expression. She sipped her coffee and licked her lips, 'Sakura-chan, you know I would like to help. But that is just not possible.'
'What do you mean it's not possible?' I gaped, 'you're the daughter of Daidouji-san. I need to know the truth or I'll rip my heart out.'
'Calm down Sakura,' Tomoyo said with a worried expression, 'first of all, why don't you tell me what this is all about?'
I gulped and ordered myself an espresso before I explained to her about what happened between me and Syaoran Li. Then how Syaoran got the information that we might be related, and now I wanted to know if all was true or not. Andre's information did not satisfy me.
'Sakura-chan,' Tomoyo said when I had finished the story, 'I will try to do my best. But there is a possibility that my mother does not know anything. She only works with confidentiality. Everything is to be handled secretively. She takes orders from clients and without much further does what the client wants. All necessary documents and records are not being kept. Unless if there is a member of a family.'
A member of a family? I thought to myself. The only family I got is hospitalized.
'Well, the only family I have is my mother,' I said quietly.
'Where is your mother Sakura-chan?' Tomoyo asked softly.
I gulped again, feeling the tight knot in my stomach was hurting me, 'my mother is in a mental asylum.'
Tomoyo didn't question me further. She quietly understood my feelings. This was one magical attention of hers was what made me so fascinated. A sudden stranger, so vigilant and now she understood my feelings. I need her to come with me.
'Tomoyo,' I whispered, 'is there any chance that you could come with me?'
I couldn't attempt to say where I wanted to go, but Tomoyo nodded and smiled reassuringly.
(Saturday afternoon, Li's residence, the dining room)
The day had not gotten any worse. I looked at my plate and felt nauseous. Everything on that plate didn't look edible. Mei Lin saw my uneaten plate and frowned slightly. She was about to say something when I interrupted.
'Touya-san,' I said with a clearly dexterous voice, 'I have thought about it.'
Touya looked at me with an eyebrow raised. Mei Lin chewed on her food slowly as she glanced at me apprehensively. 'I have thought about it and I have made my decision,' I said and stared back at my half brother's dark eyes, 'I want to go to the states as soon as possible.'
Touya stopped eating his lunch abruptly and stared back at my determined eyes. Yes, I have thought it through. My life in Japan ends here. I want to go to the states and focus on my acting career. I was so damn persistent about being an actor. I had wanted to show my father that I was capable to act and not just for show. I want to make shows in famous plays and famous theatre. I want to forget about having a conjecture sister. I didn't want to believe it either but the time had come for me to run from it.
Touya took a petite potato from the plate and put it in his mouth, 'and what about your school? You're still 17.'
'I can do school and acting over there,' I said again.
Mei Lin looked at me and then back at her plate. She was thinking of saying something that would ruin the moment and I was going to stop her, 'Mei Lin, I want to go alone this time.'
Mei Lin turned to see me with a forceful sign of wanting to dissent. I didn't want her to come with me again. I had too much distraction. I was not going to let her roam into my private life.
'What if something happens to you?' Mei Lin said with a worried tone.
'I can take care of myself Mei Lin,' I said and got up the chair. I took another glance at my brother and he understood without saying word.
'I will prepare everything for you,' Touya said and continued eating his lunch.
'Thank you,' I said and bowed, 'excuse me.' With that, I exited the dining room.
(Saturday, late afternoon, small mental asylum, outside room 202)
We were standing outside room 202. My whole body felt like it was wrapped in sharp thorns. The intensity of being in such a sickeningly white hallway made my bones shivered. The dim lights shone a revolting yellow light across the white vinyl floor and I felt my stomach turn.
Tomoyo stood beside me and I felt her warm hands held mine. My thoughts were interrupted as she grasped my hands reassuringly. Tomoyo gave me a small smile and for a moment I felt she was reading my thoughts.
'Let's go in together Sakura-chan,' Tomoyo said quietly. I took a deep breath and gathered up all my courage. This was not how I would imagine my mother would be like. I only shared my life with her for 5 years. I was returning to my past.
Tomoyo slowly opened the door as she held my hands. I gripped the hem of my shirt tightly and held my breath. Tomoyo took a peek through the door and ushered me to look. I shook my head.
'No Tomoyo,' I said in barely a whisper, 'I can't. It's impossible. I can't.'
'It's okay, she's asleep,' Tomoyo said comfortingly. I bit my lips and took a step forward. I could feel my heart thudding desperately hard against my ribcage. This was worse than anything I have ever come across with in my entire life. I shut my eyes and slowly began to open them as Tomoyo led me in.
Her sleeping figure was beautifully wrapped in clean white linen. The room was still white but not as sickening as I had thought. There was a painting of a house on the other side of the wall and a small vase with a blossoming Nadeshiko flower.
There she was, sleeping like an angel. It took my breath away that she didn't look any different than when I last saw her. It had been a full 12 years since I met her. She didn't look any older, my mother. Her long wavy hair cascaded on the white linen sheet. Her hands were neatly folded on her chest, like a sleeping beauty. For a moment, I had a frightening thought that she looked dead.
I couldn't step forward, the pressure of seeing her asleep was far greater than seeing her awake. At least then she would know her reaction. I could barely recognize the sleeping angel before me. This was scaring me out of my wits.
'I have to go,' I said quietly to Tomoyo, my voice shivered in terror.
'No, I have to go,' I said again in a broken voice. But before I could take a step further, the sleeping figure moved.
(Saturday, late afternoon, Li's residence, Syaoran's room)
'Yes, I'll be there as soon as possible,' I said and hung up the phone. My manager had been calling me to be in an advertising show. I thought that since my life had been turned upside down, I should do something to turn it right back again.
I took my coat and opened the door to my bedroom only to find my brother standing in his expensive suit, the glimmer of authority spreading his entire aura.
'I'm just off for another commercial shoot,' I explained and wrapped my coat around me. Touya didn't respond to that but he offered a paper to me. I frowned and took the paper from his hand.
'It's your flight arrangement. I have approximated you wanted to leave here ASAP so I have booked the earliest ticket out of here. I hope you have thought this through,' Touya said with a small sign of apprehension.
I sniffed and placed the ticket into my pocket. 'I think I need to focus brother. My fans would probably miss me most but that wouldn't end our journey. We will only be a few million miles away from each other. I could always come back when you need something.'
Touya released a small mocking laughter, 'hey, if you need anything, you know where I'd be.'
I made a small smile. 'Thanks bro,' I said with a whisper. I gave him another brother smile and walked off.
(Saturday, late afternoon, small mental asylum, outside room 202)
I was breathing heavily as I stood with my back against the wall. Tomoyo came running after me. Her face was fixed with concern.
'Sakura-san, are you alright?' Tomoyo placed her hand on my shuddering shoulders and licked her lips.
I made a nervous laugh and giggled uncertainly, 'well you know, after not seeing her for a while, I have the talent of increase nervousness and agitation. I don't think this was a good idea.'
Tomoyo sighed, 'you're right. You looked dreadful. Let's go home.'
I nodded and a nurse with white uniform passed us. She looked at Tomoyo and me with a curious look before returning her eyes to the board on her hand. Tomoyo placed her hand on my back and led me away from my mother.
'Excuse me,' we heard the nurse spoke to us. Both of us turned to see her. She had a shrewd look on her face as her eyes looked into mine.
'Are you… Sakura-san?' the nurse asked with a calculating voice.
I frowned and slowly nodded, unaware that she had given her real name to the receptionist at the front desk who was too busy with her nails.
The nurse gasped and clutched the board and pressed it against her chest. Her eyes started to become teary and I felt a little worried.
'Oh my,' the nurse said as I gaped. Tomoyo was oblivious to everything. How did the nurse know my name?
'Oh I'm sorry,' the nurse apologized. Her young face looked weary and tired as she sniffed and licked her lips. 'You are Sakura Kinomoto right? Last time I saw you, you were only 5. Look how much you've grown!' the nurse beamed and gave a nervous laugh.
I was rather surprised at the sudden gesture and felt completely blank. Tomoyo held my arms in remembrance of her presence. I turned to her and gave her a look.
'I'm sorry, of course you won't remember me,' the nurse smiled pleasantly and gave a crooked grin, 'would you like to have a cup of coffee?'
I looked at Tomoyo again as she agreed idyllically, a genuine smile on her face. Without much thinking, I let my shaken conscious get the better of me as I smiled and nodded.
Normal POV (sorry for the mix up)
(Saturday evening, Li's residence, Mei Lin's room)
Mei Lin stood on her jimmy chos and dialed the number again, her heart beating furiously. The phone would not answer her angry calls. She threw the phone back to its receiver and she bent down and squeezed her head in her ultimate stress. The weather was not helping her mood. Mei Lin started to walk back and forth in her humble chamber. The vision of helping her relative was starting to fade away.
Mei Lin heard herself groaned and paused in her raging footsteps and wandered her eyes to the far off distance beyond her large window. A sudden thought came to her head and she refused to accept it. But it was the only way and Mei Lin would have killed herself for even thinking this.
Without further ado, Mei Lin threw her coat on and exited her own kingdom.
(Saturday evening, the hospital, cafeteria)
The hustling noise of chirping nurses and the doctor's deep racket was surrounding the two friends who were sitting awkwardly in the middle of a cheerful conversation with a nurse. Sakura glanced around the room and saw that the cafeteria did not only consist of doctors and nurses but patients and their visitors were seen having their own personal affairs.
'So, that is when I realized just how much you have grown, but there is no mistaking the eyes,' the voice of the nurse interrupted Sakura's thoughts as she gulped her soda and attempted to listen.
'So, it has been 12 years, I can't believe you could still remember Sakura-chan,' Tomoyo smiled friendly and nudged Sakura, a signal for her to talk.
'Yes, I forgot your name,' Sakura laughed off nervously, wondering how in the world this nurse could have remembered her 12 years ago.
'Oh, I'm sorry I haven't introduced myself properly,' the nurse beamed and took a bite of her sandwich, 'my name is Lindsay and the first time I met you, Sakura, was when I started my internship training program. When I graduated a year later, I started to work there. It so happened that my patient was your mother, the same person I took care for when I was doing the internship.'
Sakura forced a smile, 'so you must remember what happened to her right?'
The nurse's face changed for a minute, a sudden serious look exchanged her cheerful expression but she quickly smiled again, 'well yes, she was my patient.'
Sakura gulped. Maybe her questions could be answered.
'So, you knew why she was taken in right?' Sakura breathed out, the anxiety inside of her was ready to burst. 'Do you have any record of her, anything that caused why she was here in the first place? Do you have her personal data? Do you have any family records?'
The sudden questions startled Lindsay and she reached out a hand in defense. 'Dear, one question at a time, please. I know you're curious about your mother. I was startled to see you here and still remember you,' the nurse exclaimed and she turned her head as a doctor greeted her.
Sakura sighed and closed her eyes to relax her muscles. Tomoyo was there with her and she brought support. Sakura was forced into a whirl of confusion and if Tomoyo's mother was unable to answer her dreary questions, then Lindsay might help her.
'Of course we have the data of your family. But it is kept in secrecy for the sake of privacy. But I know for sure the reason for all of this mishap is the accident that befallen your father.'
Sakura wasn't sure whether she was hearing the right words. 'My father?' Sakura whispered uncertainly then spoke louder, 'what of my father?'
The nurse frowned as if disturbed by her question, 'your father… I'm sorry to say but… you don't remember?' Sakura shook her head in growing curiosity and prepared for the next information. The nurse sighed and said with a gentle tone, 'your father died in a car accident Sakura. The incident devastated your mother and in return she had become someone's she's not.'
'Who is my father?' Sakura asked, knowing that her heart feared the answer. Lindsay frowned even deeper, 'I don't believe you don't remember your father Sakura. He was well known in his days. You have his features too… Takaeshi Fujitaka.'
The name made her feel like her breath had been sucked out from her lungs with incredible speed, absorbing her life. She wasn't sure if she was breathing, pain instead flowed around her heart.
Sakura couldn't choke another word as she stared gapingly at the nurse who looked at her in confusion. Tomoyo intercepted, 'I'm sorry. Sakura had never had any stories or history about her father. She never knew she had her father even when she was old enough to remember.'
The nurse looked at Sakura with a worried expression, 'Sakura, I'm sorry you have to hear this from someone like me. I am completely unworthy to explain this to you.'
Sakura finally forced herself to shake her head, shaking off the news and the nervous fear. 'No,' said Sakura in a small voice,' I have been planning to ask you about this. It's not your fault.'
The nurse shook her head in guiltiness. Tomoyo assured her that Sakura was just digesting the information for quite some time.
'I don't know much of the history of why you don't remember your father,' the nurse said, 'but I suppose the rumors were probably true.'
'What rumors?' asked Tomoyo.
'Rumors that spread out just a few weeks before the death of Fujitaka-sama: the small break up and separation between the two happy couples,' Lindsay spoke with a hurtful tone, 'I suppose also that the fact that Fujitaka-sama was playing around with another woman may also be true.'
At this, Sakura was sure if she was breathing or not but that sudden information made her heart crumble into million pieces. There was no one to take the pieces for her. She was left broken.
Tomoyo grew worried and gave a certain look to the nurse who understood she had spoken too much. 'It might be very unwise of me to tell you this but I can assure you that rumor was just a false interpretation of friendship. You know these media; they want to sell their story.'
Sakura stared blankly at the table, unsure of what to say or what to think. Why didn't anyone tell her about this? How come she didn't have any relative to explain to her that everything was just a white lie? How come the one person she knew and loved the most was not sane enough to explain anything to her?
'Sakura,' Tomoyo whispered and touched Sakura's shoulder, 'I think we can still get the real truth out. We still have your mother.'
Just the sound of mother felt excruciating to Sakura and she gripped hard at the edge of her seat. 'My mother is not sane,' came the small voice from Sakura, a hint of shiver in her tone, 'she doesn't even know she has a daughter. For her, I am a stranger. I am not her daughter. How else could she remember?'
Tomoyo creased her eyebrow in desperation. Sakura trembled in her grasp and Tomoyo held on to her in support. The world around Sakura suddenly changed and she felt lost. The busy cluster of the chatter nurses and doctors seemed oblivious to Sakura. She could only hear in her head, the small cry of help.
'Actually,' the voice of the nurse came into hearing, 'there was an incident just a few nights ago. Your mother was happily talking with the other patient when the celebrity news came on.'
The nurse paused as Sakura flicked her eye at the nurse before she continued, 'it was odd because Nadeshiko-sama was usually happy and cheerful. Then there was an actor who looked exactly like Takaeshi Fujitaka receiving an award on the TV. Well, your mother just stood there with an expression we were not sure of. She started to cry but she was confused why she had cried. She felt like the remembered only vividly that this man had made her cry.'
Tomoyo and Sakura gaped at the story. Sakura quickly asked, 'is the man on the TV by any chance… Li? Li Syaoran…?'
The nurse brightened up and said, 'yes. Do you know him?'
Know him? Sakura yelled in her already cracking head. 'This is just so confusing. I mean everything has gone complicated.' Sakura clasped her hands on her head in frustration.
Tomoyo frowned, 'is that the first sign of her remembering something?'
The nurse tried to remember. 'Well,' Lindsay said, 'there was some time when she would sit on her bed and looked out the window. One time I visited and she had a tear on her cheeks but she looked so peaceful.'
'Sakura, do you know what this means?' Tomoyo gleamed at Sakura with a hopeful expression, 'the image of Li… or you could also say Takaeshi Fujitaka triggered her memory. If we could get a hold of any objects in possession of Fujitaka, there might be a chance your mother's memory may slowly come back.'
Sakura stared at Tomoyo with a surprised expression. What she said was true and logical enough. Why hadn't she thought about this? More importantly, why haven't the doctors thought about this?'
'Actually that is a brilliant idea,' Lindsay said with a hint of excitement on the edge of her voice, 'if you have a collection of Fujitaka-sama's possession, it might help you solve the problem, as well as getting your mother back after all these years.'
Sakura could feel a huge knot formed in her throat and she couldn't help but let a small drop of tear fall from her eyes. Tomoyo gripped Sakura's hand in reassurance. Lindsay bit her lip and looked around to see if anyone was watching.
'You're right,' Sakura finally said with an exasperated sigh, 'if this is an opportunity to solve my problems then… let's do it.'
The nurse sighed and smiled, 'Sakura, you are a very strong young woman.'
Sakura could only smile weakly in reply. Sakura felt suddenly exhausted. Everything that had happened drained her energy. Tomoyo understood and they took off a few minutes later, leaving the nurse deep in thoughts.
(Saturday night, Celebrity Center, Lobby)
When Tomoyo and Sakura arrived at CC, Sakura had been so clouded with thoughts that she couldn't think properly, nor walk properly. Tomoyo had to hold her arms for her not to fall to the road and get knocked by a bus.
When they entered the lobby, there was a familiar sound of a woman's voice and Sakura knew who that voice belonged to.
Sure enough, Mei Lin got out of the CC office looking frustrated and angry. When she spotted us, she paused and rushed over. Sakura was perplexed when Mei Lin yelled, 'where the hell have you been? What kind of service is this? I can't even see anyone over here?'
Sakura let go of Tomoyo's hand and stood before the woman whom she thought would never see again. Mei Lin looked sad and yet anxious, a turbulence of power emitted from her body. Tomoyo watched with a curious looked across her face.
'I know we weren't really in good terms,' Mei Lin spoke with a deliberate force at Sakura, 'nor are we now. But there is something that you should know because he would never tell you.'
Sakura frowned, there were too many information to digest and now there was another one. But Sakura stayed and listened, wondering how this woman would ever come down to CC and see Sakura.
'Tell me what?' Sakura asked and gripped the edge of her shirt.
Mei Lin sighed and spoke in a raspy voice, 'Syaoran is leaving and this is your entire fault. I have no idea why all of the sudden he changed his mind but I know for sure that for what is happening between the two of you, there must be some kind of mistake or miscommunication. Or are you not seeing each other anymore? Because if you're not then that is good.'
Mei Lin's ramble continued and Sakura didn't hear the rest as she was transfixed by the word 'leaving.'
'What do you mean leaving?' Sakura said in a small voice and Tomoyo grew cautious.
Mei Lin sighed and put her hands on her hips, 'well he's leaving for the states like he always planned. But he was certain to leave tomorrow for unknown reason. He told us he was going to finish his high school before continuing the rest of his years there. I am confused Sakura and I have you partly to blame for him leaving. So fixed this.'
Mei Lin's voice was a distant rumble to Sakura. First it was the information about her father, then the fear of seeing her mother again, then the fact that she made her first sign of remembrance from watching Syaoran Li. Now that she knew her father, the rumor of him with another woman may also be true. Here Mei Lin was telling her Syaoran is leaving. This was far too much drama for Sakura.
Tears protruded from Sakura's eyes and Mei Lin stood there in shock. Sakura felt too many emotions in her. Anger, sorrow, confusion and sadness all mixed in and Sakura couldn't let any emotions out of her maze. She looked at Mei Lin with deep knowing eyes and Mei Lin felt of pang of regret.
'I'm sorry,' Mei Lin whispered and looked down, 'I'm sorry I brought this up to you but we have to work together this time. I am here to look after him and he is going off somewhere where he doesn't want anyone to come with him. I'm just…'
Mei Lin paused before continuing, 'Syaoran is a little wild sometimes and if no one is there to look after him then he would do something he will regret… I'm just very worried about him.'
Tomoyo understood her concern for Syaoran. She could see that Mei Lin loved Syaoran very much.
'Thank you for coming to see us,' Tomoyo finally said after the long withering talk and held on to Sakura's arms before she collapse, 'but Sakura is exhausted. Let's go Sakura.'
With a small tug from Tomoyo, Sakura followed, leaving Mei Lin in her own disappointment. Sakura wasn't sure what to do or what to think as they headed to Sakura's bedroom. Tomoyo couldn't say anything to cheer her up. The night grew colder and Sakura shivered. This was all far too complicated to be in her life. All she wanted was a happy and normal life. It seemed like God gave her no other choice.
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am –'Iris' Goo Goo Dolls
Thank you for those still reading this fic. I intend not to go too long with this and get the truth out as soon as possible… I just don't want to make this too boring.
Please I apologize for any confusion, spelling mistakes and grammatical errors in this fic. I do hope to get another chapter out soon.
Cheers and happy new year,