Attack of the… Lightsabers
Han and Luke were sitting in the Millennium Falcon, bored.
"When's Leia getting back?" said Luke.
"I don't know," said Han.
"Where is she?" said Luke.
"If I knew, I'd be shagging her."
Chewy walked in. "Gruntnoisegrunt."
Luke raised an eyebrow. "Chewy's enjoying himself more than usual isn't he?"
"I think R2's been giving him – "
"Oh, I don't wanna know, Han." Luke stood up, and felt the buldge in his pocket.
Han grinned. "Is that a lightsaber in your pocket…or are you just pleased to see me?"
"Uh…" Luke looked distressed. "It's a lightsaber." He drew out his lightsaber.
"Oh," Han said in disappointment.
Suddenly, Luke felt a bit cheeky. He grinned. "Hey, Han…wanna hold my…lightsaber?"
"Sure. I'd light your saber any time."
"Well why don't you come over here and…try it out?"
Han stood up and walked over to Luke.
Luke passed Han his lightsaber. "Have a go, it's really neat!"
Han raised an eyebrow. "Oh."
"I find your lack of faith…disturbing," Luke teased.
Han shoved him playfully. "Aw come on Luke, you know how much that Darth guy does it for me. All that heavy breathing…" Han proceeded to day dream, while Luke absently stroked his lightsaber.
"Hey, you know what we could do while Leia's away?" Han said suggestively.
"Well, I have some ideas… We could… duel, with our lightsabers."
"But you don't have one?"
"Oh I think you'll find my lightsaber is very…pleasing."
Luke's trousers fell down in astonishment. Han grinned. "You're wearing pink knickers."
Luke blushed. "I like pink knickers."
"As it happens, so do I." Han pulled his own trousers down to reveal the blushing pink.
Chewy was watching all this from a corner. "Grunt grunt GRUNT grunt…"
"I think Chewy likes pink knickers too," said Luke.
"Why Luke – I never knew – you had – such an interesting – taste – in lingerie." (insert heavy breathing)
Han's jaw dropped. "OH MY GOSH! It's him Luke! It's your dad! Oh my god Mr. Vader sir, I am such a huge fan of your…"
"Enough." Darth turned to Luke. "I think (heavy breathing) you are (gasp) done here."
"Oh Darthy, can you autograph my lightsaber? Please please please?" Han bounced up and down.
You could imagine Darth was raising an eyebrow at this point.
Luke looked jealous. "…But you don't have – "
"Enough. Luke (deep breath) leave us."
Luke looked thoroughly pissed. He went over to Chewy, presenting him with his lightsaber."
Darth turned to Han. "I can be very (deep breath) rough. Are you sure my (deep breath) lightsaber isn't too (deep breath) big for you?"
Yoda walked in. "Size matters not! Judge me by my size do you?" He walked out.
Han grinned. "Hey, little green guy's right. It's how you wield it that counts."
Luke pulled a face from a corner. "Hey come on that's my dad."
"LUKE, GO TO YOUR (deep breath) ROOM."
"Aw come on dad, I only wanted to watch – "
Darth flung him from the room with his mighty force-like powers.
"Now, where (heavy breathing) were we?"
WARNING: OVER-USAGE OF LIGHTSABERS CAN DAMAGE HEALTH.