Beaucoup de thanks to my lovely reviewers Demus, torian Princess, escptheshdw835, and Over40Potterfan. Thank you for your patience!
Harry held his wand out in front of him, gave his best 'I am Harry Potter, the bravest wizard in the world' look, then rushed at the door, banging it open. Then he stopped and stared.
In the middle of the room was a large round table, with a white tablecloth, covered in plates of cookies and cakes. In the center was a large blue and white teapot, and a vase of daffodils. Several places were laid with blue willow pattern china and shining silverware. Spring breezes wafted through the open window, fluttering the blue and white curtains, despite the fact that it was November. Ron was sitting at the table, stuffing his face. His blue and white striped pajamas coordinated perfectly with the décor. Across from him was Lord Voldemort, holding a pink teacozy. Both looked up as Harry burst into the room.
"Hello," Voldemort said, "would you like a cup of tea?"
"I'm glad you came to find me." Ron said complacently, "Have a crumpet, they're delicious."
Harry's tough and determined expression was quickly melting into one of utter confusion. A single thought permeated his addled brain.
"Don't eat that, Ron!" He screamed, even though Ron was only a few feet away. "It might be poisoned!"
"Don't worry," Ron replied, taking another bite. "Voldy here has been eating them, too." As if there were no such thing as talking an antidote to a poison so as to be immune to it.
"Voldy? What's happened to you, Ron?"
"Let me explain," Voldemort said, in a friendly voice but with a trace of his usual sibilant hiss. "I wanted someone to have tea with, so I kidnapped your friend Ron and brought him here. He has been most charming company."
Harry looked at Ron, who nodded earnestly in conformation.
"Tea?" Asked Harry incredulously. "But- but- you're the most evil wizard ever!"
"Not any more. I've decided to be nice to everyone, because when I was evil, nobody liked me. I…I got lonely!" His voice sounded choked, and he began to sniffle. Ron stood up and walked over to give him a friendly hug. Voldemort started to cry, burying his face in Ron's shoulder. Ron murmured comforting nonsense to him and patted him on the shoulder until he stopped crying and blew his nose on the teacozy.
"Ron's my friend now," he said happily. Harry got jealous.
"Well he's my boyfriend, and you're not going to take him away from me!" He yelled, pointing his wand threateningly at Voldemort. The Dark Lord's eyes went all red and slitty, and he made a menacing comment in Parseltongue. Harry hissed back at him, and Voldemort lost his evil expression in surprise.
"You can speak Parseltongue?" He asked.
"Yes, I can," Harry said.
Soon they were involved in a snaky conversation, Harry sitting down and pouring himself a cup of tea. It was nice to find someone with the same talent as himself. Ron returned to his chair, chewing a lemon square morosely and feeling left out. Suddenly, he noticed footsteps approaching down the hallway. They stopped outside the door, and a moment later it was flung open dramatically for the second time. Draco Malfoy stood framed in the doorway, breathless from running. His white-blonde hair was elegantly dishevelled, his cheeks were flushed, and his silver eyes sparkled.
"Harry! Ron! Thank goodness you're both safe!" He exclaimed, his hand against his fast-beating heart. Then he caught himself, and resumed his accustomed sneer. "What are you doing here?" He asked contemptuously, as if he were not the one who had just burst into the room.
"We're having tea, Malfoy," Harry said, with, he thought, admirable restraint. "Care to join us?"
"Don't mind if I do."
Draco took the remaining seat, and Lord Voldemort served him tea.
"You're Lucius Malfoy's son, aren't you?" He asked politely.
"Yes, Draco Malfoy. And you, I presume, are Lord Voldemort? Pleased to meet you."
"Likewise. How is your father?"
"Never better. You remember Severus Snape?"
"Ah yes of course, good old Sevvy. Great friend of mine."
"Well he and my father are getting married next month."
"How perfectly splendid!"
"I'm sure you will receive an invitation."
Harry and Ron had been gaping in astonishment during this conversation. It was far too much information to assimilate quickly.
"So, how did you get her?" Draco asked them companionably, forgetting to be mean. They explained, then asked him the same question. For once, he looked uncertain.
"Well, I heard at breakfast that both of you had gone missing, so I thought I'd take a look around. I was walking, well running, down this hallway, when I noticed a piece of paper on the floor. It was a map, and it showed that you two were in here with the Dark Lord."
"And you were worried about us?" Ron asked incredulously. Harry suddenly noticed something.
"Where are your stupid henchmen?" He asked, "I've never seen you go anywhere without them before."
Draco tried to do his 'I'm so tough and unemotional, I don't care about anything' look, but ended up looking like a lost puppy.
"Well, since Crabbe and Goyle got together, they…haven't been spending as much time with me."
He looked down at his plate, nervously crumbling a brownie between slender fingers. Harry was completely won over by the lost puppy face.
"Poor Draco," he murmured sympathetically.
"I'll be your friend," said Voldemort. "I was very lonely too, but Ron and Harry became my friends."
Draco looked up at them, tears glistening in his eyes.
"Will you be friends with me?" He asked plaintively. Neither of them hesitated an instant, but jumped up to hug him from both sides at once.
"Hey, will you be our boyfriend?" Ron asked.
"What both of you at once?" Draco sounded more hopeful than deterred.
"Sure, why not?" Harry said, leaning in to kiss Draco. In a moment, all three were happily snogging. Voldemort picked up his now-empty teacup and looked thoughtfully at the tea leaves inside. If only I'd paid more attention in Divination class, he thought. Surely that's a heart there. Which can only mean one thing…
"I want a boyfriend, too!" He announced. Just then, there was a bright flash of green light from a previously-unnoticed fireplace, and a man stumbled out of it, coughing a waving smoke from his face. When he stood up and looked around, the three students gasped in astonishment.
"It's Professor Lockheart!" Harry exclaimed.
"How did you get out of St. Mungo's?" Ron asked.
"Didn't you lose your memory?" Draco enquired.
"Hello boys," the former Defence against the Dark Arts teacher said amiably, "I recovered my memory a few days ago, and I was just released from St. Mungo's. I had nowhere else to go, so I thought I'd come back to Hogwarts. Everything been running smoothly in my absence?"
They assured Lockheart that the world had not stopped turned during his hospitalisation. Then he looked up, straight into Lord Voldemort's eyes. It was love at first sight.
And they all lived happily ever after.
Okay, how many people thought Ron and You-Know-Who were doing something naughty? Also, crumpets for anyone who can find the title of a Sherlock Holmes story in this chapter. I didn't do it deliberately, I swear. I'm not that obsessive. I just noticed it when I was typing it.