A/N: Well this is my first "humor" story. So please be nice with the reviews.

Rating: M because of everyone's all time favorites Drugs, Sex, and Violence (langue also). The humor in the story is made for more mature multitude of people. So if you don't know much of everyone's favorites than you probably won't get most of the jokes.

In Hell with: Draco Malfoy

Chapter 1

Wtf? Revenge isn't a Present!

It was December and only a few weeks before Christmas. It was a pretty bland year, if you would like to put it that way. Nothing exciting or worth telling about had happened that year. Sure there was that day when Ron's wand 'accidentally' went out of control and sent Hermione's shrinking potion flying towards Malfoy and it 'accidentally' hit his special spot. But other than that nothing special had happened. When I mean by special is that there were no signs of Voldemort or any of his evil followers.

Harry and his friends were actually happy about that. They were hoping that there whole sixth year would go peacefully. Maybe Voldemort had given up? Yeah right, the stupid half breed wouldn't get by now that a sixteen year boy has beaten him way to many times, also Lord Voldemort is evil, evil people never win in these stories. Am I right?

Well that's not the point. The point was that Harry and basically everyone else in Hogwarts (except for the scum-bag Slytherins) were enjoying the year without Voldemort. Harry, Hermione, and Ron all promised every night to pray that they could have one single year in Hogwarts that nothing went wrong. Well let's just put it this way, that would never happen. Or maybe it would have if Ron wasn't such a jinx.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Neville were sitting in the library trying to get their homework done. It was pretty much impossible for all of them though. Every five seconds Neville would ask Hermione what this word meant, what am I supposed to do here, why am I such a total moron? Some things not even Hermione will know. Harry was daydreaming about Cho who studying at the other table. Cho kept on glancing back at Harry and smiling. Wasn't he lucky?

"You know for the first few minutes when he started starring at me it was kind of cute, but know it almost being an half hour and he's starting to drool, its getting really creepy," Cho said to her friends from Ravenclaw. They all nodded their heads in agreement.

"She so digs me," Harry thought to himself. All of a sudden the table shook and Harry snapped out of his false thoughts. He looked up and saw that Ron had pounded his fists against the table.

"What's your problem?" Hermione asked relieved that she could have a few seconds of a break from Neville's constant pestering.

"Professor Snape gave me extra homework because of that stupid Malfoy incident! I don't know what the big deal was. I heard him bragging that when he got it fixed it was even bigger than before! He should be happy I did that to him!" Ron shouted.

"I highly doubt that he any thing much to start with in the first place Ron," Hermione said.

Ron continued complaining, not even noticing the laughter around him. "I mean Snape gave me homework on stuff we didn't even learn yet. Five essays, five whole essays…"

Harry, Hermione, and Neville were completely ignoring Ron and continuing with the Malfoy jokes.

"I don't think that shrinking potion could have made it any smaller!"

"Malfoy should have been happy because now his penis and balls are in equal size!"

"The thing probably disappeared because it was so small!"

"Now Malfoy isn't 'underdeveloped' any more"

These of course could have gone on forever, but Ron interrupted their fun. "You know I wish something would happen so I could get out of these friggen essays!" Ron yelled.

"Ron!" Hermione said in a hushed voice. "Don't say that! You'll jinx the whole year!"

Ron of course being stupid and stubborn murmured, "Only Neville could do that."

Oh boy was Ron wrong. It was Christmas and the whole Gryffindor common room was bustling with activity, except of course for Ron who spent the whole night doing a 'Hermione'. Presents were all over the floor and Harry and Hermione were already opening there's.

"Shouldn't we wake Ron?" Hermione asked looking over at Ron.

Harry shook his head, "Na, let sleeping Beauty catch his sleep." Hermione smiled and they went on opening their presents.

Hermione had gotten money from her parents, since they believed she was a 'big girl' and could handle her own money; there was plenty of candy from Ron and Harry, her grandmother had given her a beautiful black silk dress, and George had given her a bouquet of roses and a sample of his and Fred's new invention. "Charming that one is," Hermione thought.

Harry's pile, which was much smaller than Hermione's, contained of course the famous Weasley sweatshirt, candy from Hermione, Ron, and Ginny, and letter from Cho Chang.


Truly you are very sweet and charming; in some ways, but in the other ways you are not. If you get what I mean. At first I found your staring very sweat but now it's getting kind of creepy. I do like you but I wish you would stop. That would be the best Christmas present for me. Maybe sometime we can get together.

Cho Chang

"I don't stare at her that much, do I?" Harry asked Hermione.

Hermione gave Harry that 'are you kidding me' look. "If you're talking about Cho you stare at her 24/7." Hermione turned away from Harry and continued to stare at the roses her boyfriend George gave her. They had gotten together last summer. Hermione went with Ron to the opening of Fred and George's joke shop, which was in a way a date. There was a big crowd of mischievous kids of all ages surrounding it. Hermione was leaning against the store's wall and watching Ron brag to a group of around 11 year old kids how he was the brother of the owners. Sometimes she wished she wasn't so nice.

Suddenly George and Fred stepped out from the side and stood in front of the entrance of the store. Everyone went silent when Fred began to speak. All of the kids there took in every word he said. His speech was something about how much trouble he and George had gotten in to get this far. Half way through the speech Hermione felt as if someone was staring at her. She turned her head and saw George giving her a seductive glare. Hermione quickly turned away.

Then the red ribbon was cut, the doors were open, and a crowd of children stamped into the store or stood in line trying to get autographs from there favorite pranksters, Fred and George. Hermione walked in the shop looking at the stuff trying to pretend she was interested. She knew if she didn't she would be the test subject of the kids newly bought items. Too bad it seems like these kids could tell the deference between one of them and a 'nerd', there was no deceiving the deceivers.

There was a big puff of colored smoke and a horrible smell that would knock you out. That was exactly what it did, Hermione instantly passed out. When she opened her eyes there she saw the charming smile of George Weasley. "Sorry about that," he said, "Fred is sorting that kid out right now."

Hermione nodded her head trying to remember what happened. George walked over to one of the storage cabinets and took out a bottle of what smelt like perfume. "Here," he said handing Hermione the bottle, "This will make the smell go away." Hermione's cheeks blushed as she remembered what happened.

When George saw that redness of Hermione's cheeks he smiled. "Don't worry. I've smelt worse, no seriously I have smelt worse." Hermione sat up and laugh realizing he was talking about himself. "Once me and Fred made a smell that smelt so bad it could have killed someone. Sometimes I think we're creating deadly weapons with these things."

Hermione giggled again. She had never noticed how much he had changed, well physically surely not mentally. Those twins will always be the same. "You don't talk much do you?" George said playfully.

"I don't get deadly stink bombs thrown at me much either," Hermione slyly said back. From then on they truly were in love. Even though it took George the whole summer to ask Hermione out, well Hermione actually had to ask George out but they decided not to mention that small fact.

Hermione's thoughts were interrupted by Ron's moaning sound. Harry and Hermione looked at each other and started to laugh. "Ron!" Harry yelled, "Stop masturbating in bed it's Christmas!"

Ron slowly lifted his head from the pillow. "Waa….What?" he said still have asleep.

"Get up silly! It's Christmas!" Hermione said in a cheery voice. Ron dragged himself from the bed and saw the presents in front of it and instantly ran over to them.

"What the bloody hell is this?" Ron said starring at a black and green letter. He picked it up and opened it.

Dear Weasel,

Thank you for the brand new cock. It's bigger than yours will ever be, even though before you shrunk it, it couldn't have gotten much bigger. You should try enlarging yours; it might help you get laid. Although who would want to fuck a low-life like you? I do hope you know you're not getting away with this. There will be a lovely surprise for you today.


Hermione grabbed the letter from Ron and began to read it. Harry read it from over her shoulders. "Wow that's more interesting then the one Harry got from Cho."

"What do you think he's talking about?" Harry asked worried about the power Malfoy could possibly have.

Ron took the letter from Hermione and tossed it away. "Malfoy's all talk and no action. I bet you nothing's going to happen today."

The three of them just shrugged it off. What was the worst Malfoy could do? Anyway the only one who he was after was Ron. Right?

It was Christmas dinner and everyone was happy, even Malfoy. It was Hermione's favorite feast and she wasn't going to let anything ruin it. Ron was already digging into the chicken and Harry was trying not to eat too much so he could fill up on dessert.

"See, I told you Malfoy wasn't going to do anything," Ron said while stuffing chicken in his mouth.

"Ew, Ron!" Hermione said with disgust, "Don't talk and chew at the same time!" Ron just shrugged it off and continued with his meal.


An exploding sound came from somewhere in Hogwarts. There were shouts of fright and spilled food everywhere. Hermione jumped up causing the plate of food she was eating to spill on her robes. "God damn it!" she shouted.

"What the hell was that?" Harry asked.

Professor Dumbledore stood up and started to speak. "Everyone stay calm. I have sent some Professors to see what the noise was."

"Well it was pretty obvious that the noise was an explosion," Ron muttered under his breath. Hermione nudged him in the stomach, to make him shut up.

Professor McGonagall and Professor Snape quickly walked up to Dumbledore and starting whispering to him what happened. "Oh my," Dumbledore said without caring who heard, "Really? Well that isn't to good is it?"

Dumbledore turned to face the herd of students. "There was an explosion in the Gryffindor common room. I am Sorry to say that the whole place has been destroyed. Until it is fixed the Gryffindors will be split into common rooms including Slytherin," Dumbledore said looking right at the trio.

A/N I hope you liked it. Please I'm begging you, begging you, to please review.