Legal Disclaimer. I don't own anything. Well the SCS-45L was my idea, but I don't have the funds to build it.

Personal Disclaimer: This story was written as a method of procrastination. I'm doing it instead of my homework. Expect something weirder then you've ever ready before. This will definitely be OCC. There will also be some confusion I will clear up. This takes place in a world with no Eva movies. It starts right after Shinji has graduated from college.

Premise: Video games are a multi-billion dollar industry. Do you really think the competition is friendly? I sure as hell don't! Yet you never hear about any fighting between companies, good spin control obviously. I'm babbling. Can you tell? Just wait till you see how NERV becomes involved in this. Can this really be considered a premise? It's just me jabbering on.

Key: (my first one ever! I'm just so damned proud)

"Speech" Speech

'Thought' Thought

HUD HUD (see author's notes if you want to try and figure an explanation out)

Competition can be Murder

Chapter One: That's Mister Nutcase to you!

"Welcome to Sony Mister Ikari." Shinji Ikari quickly stood and shook the man's outstretched hand.

"Thank you."

"I'm George Black. It's nice to meet you."

"Its nice to meet you too sir," Shinji said. George sat down behind his desk and Shinji did the same.

"I've been going over your resume," George said. "You seem like a highly qualified individual. The courses you took in college have given you the background that we like to see in our employees."

"Thank you Mister Black," Shinji said.

"Just George," George corrected. "I'm sorry to say that the position you were putting in for has already been taken."

"I see," Shinji said. He stood up. "Well thank you for taking the time to meet with me Mister. . .George."

"Calm down young man," George said. "If we weren't interested in you; than, we wouldn't have asked you to come in."

"What do you mean?" Shinji asked.

"Well," George began, "I mean we would hate to loose someone with your qualifications to the competition. We would like to offer you a job in a different department. You could work for us there until the position you applied for becomes available again."

"What do you mean by a different department?" Shinji asked.

"Well it will be only temporary," George said. "You won't be there for more then two years." Shinji was beginning to have a bad feeling about this.

"What kind of work will it be?" Shinji asked.

"The work will be difficult, unpleasant, and very secretive," George said. "Not many people last very long. Most just can't take it and end up resigning. For that department we understand. Those who do resign get a nice severance package and go on their way with no questions asked."

"What kind of work is it?" Shinji asked. George grinned slightly.

"I can't tell you that," he said. "You won't be allowed to know anything until you are under contract."

"So I just have to make a blind deal," Shinji said.

"Yes," George said. Shinji stared at the man.

"Two years."

"That's at the most," George said.

"I'll take it," Shinji said. George's grin widened slightly.

"Excellent Mister Ikari," he said. "Welcome to the Sony Enforcement Division."

(:Six Years Later:)

"Shinji!" Shinji snorted and wished painful death on whoever was trying to wake him. "Shinji let me in!" Shinji raised his head from his desk and watched as two messages scrolled across his vision on his HUD screens. S. Ikari was disconnected from the server. Followed by: S. Ikari has rejoined the server. Operating system: S. Ikari Version 3.5.

"Who the fuck is it?" Shinji demanded.

"It's Mitch!" Shinji yawned widely and watched the messages scrolling across his vision.

Primary Weapon: SCS-45L w/ LAM

Ammo Remaining: 10 / 550

Secondary Weapon: combat knife

Grenades: n/a

Health: 100

Armor: n/a

Bank Balance: -$1,600.00

Shinji froze. 'Sixteen hundred in the hole? What the fuck did I do last night?' Shinji stood and moved to the door. He unlocked it and stepped aside as Mitch Clayton walked into his office. "Whatsa matta Mitch?" Shinji slurred tiredly. "I have a hangover so talk fast or I will shoot you."

"You have a meeting in one hour," Mitch said. "You look like hell. What did you do last night?"

"Dunno," Shinji said. "Whatever it was put me sixteen hundred in the red." Mitch whistled.

"Must've had a good time."

"Probably," Shinji said. A memory flashed in his mind. "Damn it! It was that little fucking Canadian midget son of a bitch!"

"Huh?" Mitch asked.

"Nothing," Shinji said. 'I gotta stop drinking around that little bastard.' He looked around and sat down behind his desk. "Who am I meeting with now?"

"The bosses," his fellow SED officer said with a grin. "I hear the bastards at Microsoft are working on something new for the X Box X."

"You coming along?"

"Nah," Mitch said. "They're sending me after some Nintendo lab. At least its because of a console." Shinji nodded. Nintendo had more or less given up on console market domination, but they were absolutely rabid when it came to their precious handhelds.

"How long did you say I had?" Shinji asked.

"An hour," Mitch said.

"Wasn't day light savings yesterday?" Shinji asked. Mitch frowned and glanced at his watch. He twisted a dial.

"You're two minutes late."

"God damn it!"

(:ii:)

"Mister Black?" Shinji pushed the door open and stepped into the large room. It was utterly empty. Shinji immediately slipped into his paranoid mode. His hand grasped the grip of his pistol and he slowly slid the massive weapon from its holster. "Where are you, ya senile old bastard?" Something cold and hard pressed up against the back of his skull.

"That's me twenty-eight and you zero." Shinji's eyebrow twitched. The only thing keeping him from pistol whipping the old man was the memory of the tazer George kept hidden up his sleeve. Shinji managed to put his weapon away and turned. "Good to see you Shinji."

"You too sir," Shinji said as he watched the old man walk to his desk and tuck his pistol into one of the drawers. "So what did you need me for?"

"Hit and run precision strike," George said as he sat down. "There's a Microsoft R&D lab in Chicago. Spin control's really busy so we can't just hit it was a ballistic missile."

"Me. . .a ballistic missile, what's the difference?" Shinji asked.

"You tend to leave buildings largely intact," George said. "For the most part anyway. Have fun Shinji."

"Yes sir!" Shinji turned and tried very hard not to float out of the office. He did so love destroying Microsoft property. The colors of the flames were so pretty.

(:ii:)

"We're here Mister Ikari." Shinji jerked awake and looked around. The normal messages scrawling across his HUD.

"Wha. . ."

"We're here," the young woman repeated.

"Oh." Shinji stepped out of the car and watched as the car's suspension bounced wildly without his weight. He scratched his chin and looked around.

Primary Weapon: SCS-270 BSU

Ammo Remaining: 40/480 6/36

Secondary Weapon: SCS-45L SD w/ Masterkey

Grenades: 8

Health: 100

Armor: 100

Bank Balance: -$1,600.00

Shinji shifted his grip on his assault rifle and stared at the massive building in front of him. It looked like a warehouse. Shinji stopped and watched as the objectives goals scrolled across his HUD.

Objectives

-Primary:

1. Destroy all traces of the microprocessor.

-Secondary:

1. Eliminate all enemy personnel.

2. Destroy all lab equipment.

Shinji smiled happily. The goals were just how he liked them. Vague. The ends always justified the means after all. He would even get a bonus if he finished all his objectives. He could use that money right now. Bills were due soon. Water he could live without, but if they cut his electricity again. . .well they would be getting a very personal complaint. "Shinji!"

"What the fuck do you want?" Shinji demanded out of habit. It was then that he realized it was George on the other end of the line. "Sir."

"Have you started yet or are you standing outside musing?" George demanded.

"Uh. . .looking. . .for the best point of entry right now sir," Shinji said.

"Whatever happened to the front door?" George asked. "I thought you always used the front door."

"It was locked," Shinji said quickly.

"Just get to work," George said.

"Yes sir," Shinji said. He raised one boot and slammed it into the door. The door flew open and Shinji stomped in.

"What the fuck. . ." Shinji fired from the hip and punched six holes in the guard's chest. The roar of the assault rifle drowning out any other bright comments.

"Sound an alarm!" Shinji turned and fired again. The second guard went down and Shinji looked around the lobby. There weren't any other guards. A loud klaxon began to wail and Shinji turned to see the second guard sitting under an alarm panel. He scowled and drew his pistol. His aimed and fired once, the heavy .45 HP slug punching a hole right between the guards eyes. Shinji looked around the room and eyed the glass double doors on the far wall. He thumbed the selector on the back of his pistol and took aim.

"Shinji?"

"I'm busy sir," Shinji said as he fired, the tiny 10-gauge magnum firing device mounted under the pistol's barrel cracked loudly. The window shattered like it had been hit with. . .well like it had been hit with a 10-guage magnum double-ought buckshot shell. "And that's why they call it the key to the kingdom." Shinji quipped as he stepped through the empty doorframe and thumbed the release on his pistol's attachment. The barrel swung to the side and the massive red shell dropped out. Shinji plucked a new one from the strap on his right thigh and pushed it into the chamber.

Primary Weapon: SCS-270

Ammo Remaining: 29/469 6/36

Shinji started down the hallway and glanced at his objectives.

Objectives:

-Primary:

1. Destroy all traces of the microprocessor.

-Secondary:

1. Eliminate all enemy personnel. - in process

2. Destroy all lab equipment.

"I'm getting that warm fuzzy feeling," Shinji said as his cheeks began to get sore from grinning. "God I love this job!"

(:ii:)

Shinji stared around the lab and fought down his urge to killed something. The lights were out and Shinji was having trouble coping with his low-light vision seeing as how there was almost no light. What he could make out were the bodies on the floor. Someone had just ruined all of his fun. . .they would pay dearly. The lights flickered on and Shinji had to look down to prevent burning out his corneas. He glanced up again and whistled. "You guys seeing this?"

"Dear God," George said in disgust.

"Yeah," Shinji growled as he looked around at the blood coated floor and satanic symbols scribbled on the walls in more blood. "These guys hired the same interior decorator as I did for my office."

"You're not alone. You're first secondary objective is canceled," George said. "There goes your bonus."

"Wait a minute God damn it!" Shinji bellowed. "I need that money! I'm fucking broke because of that little Canadian dude!" There was a moment of silence.

"The pimp?"

"Yeah," Shinji said. "Come on sir. I'm begging here. They're going to turn off my electricity again."

"I guess this isn't really your fault," George said. "Finish the other goals and finish them well."

"Aye, aye skipper!" Shinji chirped happily. The hair on the back of his neck spiked and he dropped flat on his back while drawing his pistol. A glittering silver blade sliced through the air where his throat had been a moment before and Shinji thrust the end of his pistol's suppressor against his attacker's chest as the sword swung around and pressed against his chest. Even from Shinji's position on the floor, his pistol's length allowed him to make sure the man knew he didn't like being snuck up on by giving him a sharp jab to the ribs. Shinji's thumb found the selector on the back of the pistol and slid it all the way to the right, activating the Masterkey again.

"You aren't a Microsoft employee," the man said. He was dressed completely in black with a mask.

"God damned ninjas," Shinji growled. The ninja stepped back regardless of Shinji's pistol and sheathed his katana. He pulled down the lower half of his mask and smiled cheerfully. Shinji immediately felt goose bumps rise on his arms. "You work for Nintendo."

"That's right," the ninja said cheerfully. "This lab was developing a chip that they were planning on using in their first hand held. We couldn't allow that." Shinji shuddered. When it came to the handheld market Nintendo was a force to piss yourself at. Shinji remembered stories from the old timers about the shit storm Sony had to wade through for the release of the PSP. Many good men had been lost. "I take it you'll destroy the lab?"

"Yeah," Shinji said, refusing to take his eyes of the man.

"Alright then," the ninja said as he tugged his mask back into place. "I hope I don't have to kill you later." Shinji shuddered slightly as the man walked away. He quickly holstered his pistol and moved to one of the terminals. He pushed a USB into the computer's port and watched as it automatically began to upload. All of the lab's computer screens flickered and went blank.

Objectives:

-Primary:

1. Destroy all traces of the microprocessor. Completed.

-Secondary:

1. Eliminate all enemy personnel. Cancelled.

2. Destroy all lab equipment.

Shinji grinned and pulled the pack he had been wearing on his back off. He opened one of the waterproof seals and stared at the mass of high explosives. He flipped one of the switches on the detonator and straightened up. He turned and began walking in the direction the ninja had gone. He reached the outside soon enough and tugged the detonator from his pocket. He pressed the button and watched as the lab exploded brilliantly. "I love my job."

"All objectives are completed," George said. Shinji watched as the sedan that had driven him to the lab pulled up. The driver side door opened and the driver stepped out.

"All done?" She was giving him the look.

"Yeah," Shinji said.

"One more thing," George said. "The driver is my God daughter. Don't sleep with her. That will forfeit your bonus Ikari!" Shinji winced. George only said Ikari when he was being serious. Shinji eyed the driver. She was tall, leggy, blond, and definitely giving him the 'let's have some fun' look. Was she worth his bonus? Why was he even wondering?

"Sorry sir," Shinji said. "I didn't catch that last part. Can you hear me? I think my radio is running out of juice. Maybe the reception is weak."

"The radio is implanted under your skin, powered by bio-electric energy, and linked to you from me by a God damned satellite!" George roared. "I'm serious Ikari!"

"Want to have some fun?" the woman asked.

"Depends on what games you know," Shinji said.

"Oh. . .I know quite a few and I'm feeling pretty frisky," the woman said. "Maybe I'll show you more then one."

"Absolutely," Shinji said. The woman smiled and crawled into the back seat. Shinji followed, ignoring the voice screeching in his ear like the conscience that had given up on him oh so long ago. Thus ended another typical day for Officer Shinji Ikari, Inter-company relations specialist, Sony Enforcement Division, Sony Japan.

End

(:ii:)

Author's notes. Here it is. I have officially given up on making sense and this is the result of my pure, un-censored humor. Odd enough for you? For this story I must admit that my main influences were the video game wars between Dom and Ed of the psychotic characters of underpower. and a few others.

You are probably asking yourself some questions. What happened to Shinji? Why the hell does he have a HUD? What the hell is with Nintendo having ninjas?

The first might be explained later. The second is that Shinji is the embodiment of first person shooter video games and thus has a heads up display. Can you think of a better kind of person to fight a war between video game companies. The third I have no clue about, but I do hate ninjas. Sneaky little bastards keep stealing my homework.

I'm just having Microsoft and Sony as the main rivals in this story. Mainly because of the conflict between X-Box and Playstation 2 players. I've seen some arguments escalate into all out brawls that I've gladly participated in, didn't really matter which side. I actually have both and love them equally. Nintendo is just the black sheep because of the big three the Game Cube seems to be the least popular, which is a shame. It's only true fault is mismanagement. Anyone who's played Resident Evil 4 must admit that the Game Cube has some serious punch when utilized correctly. Thus Nintendo became the people that Sony and Microsoft look down on, yet fear deeply due to their insanity, I mean you'd have to be insane to do what they're doing to the poor Game Cube. I think I'm doubling this story's length with all these damn notes.