A/N It took me forever to write this because, for some reason I couldn't get everything out that I wanted to, but I think I finally got it and I hope you enjoy it. Sorry if it isn't the best, it was a complicated piece to write. Rated for cuss words and slash, or implied slash.
Moments Like These
He's always there; taunting me like a half-breed would taunt a new soul in the underworld, reminding them that they can never go back. Considering Hell is the place I despise the most, that might not be the best metaphor to use, but it couldn't be closer to the truth. Chas is my hell on earth, my own personal half-breed.
'As if Balthazar wasn't enough.' I thought as I watched Chas mutter to himself thoughtfully.
It's especially in moments like these, when Chas is hunched over a molded book, looking completely innocent with his curls falling over his face, that I realize my feelings the most. Moments like these remind me why I don't give in to his constant questions and curiosity, because he is innocent and hasn't seen all the shit hell can bring and I fully intended on keeping it that way. In moments like these when Chas is completely engrossed in something, I feel my temptations rise. The temptation to tell him how much I really care about him, how much more he means to me than an 'apprentice,' is almost overwhelming. Because in the honest to fucking God truth, Chas is my world, and he'd never know it. I see Chas look up, obviously feeling my stare, and his brown sugar eyes meet mine. I see his pink lips move to form words but the sound hardly reaches my ears. I am too absorbed in watching his lips.
"John, did ya hear me? I said I think it's time you got a computer, ya know like normal people?"
I had finally torn my eyes from Chas's kissable lips and replied, "Since when are we considered normal?" When the statement came out I realized I had said 'we' not 'I', since when are we considered normal.
Chas rolled his eyes and slammed the book on his lap shut, causing it to heave a puff of dust into the air.
"Fine, but when I get some incurable disease from the mold and questionable substances from these books, you'll remember this day and you'll ask yourself, why did my ungodly large ego get in the way of buying a computer?" Chas said as he folded his hands like his always did.
I reclined in my chair and simply said, "Go to the library."
"Libraries have page blockers, John, libraries have time limits, which by the way, is not a desirable trait in a computer when I am doing all this slave work for you," Chas said, a small fire of rage lighting in his eyes.
"Whatever," I replied incoherently, uncaringly.
But then there were moments like these, when Chas would get so passionate about something and I would sit there, acting like I didn't care about a word he was saying. Ignoring him or coming off as an asshole isn't something I want to do, it's something I have to do, no questions asked. If I act like I care, if I got in too deep with the one person who haunted every moment of my life and it would only tear both of our hearts to pieces. I could feel Chas's eyes burning into my flesh like a laser meant to destroy. I thought he was about to ask more questions or argue another point about computers, but what came out of his mouth surprised me to the core.
"Why do you hate me John?"
I nearly choked on the air that I was breathing as the last syllable left his lips, those perfect pink lips I had dreamed of kissing for the past year.
"What makes you think I hate you?" I demanded
"Well you act like it enough," Chas replied spitefully, but still sounding hurt.
I didn't know what to say. I couldn't tell him the real reason why and I couldn't think of a good lie to tell him why I act like I do.
"It's how I act with everyone kid, get over it," was what I settled on saying.
I looked away from Chas almost the moment I said it, I couldn't bear to see the hurt that lied in his face, it would most likely destroy me.
"Right, you're Constantine, the badass of all badasses. What was I thinking that you would actually have a heart," he said mockingly.
I winced at his voice. If only he knew how much it hurt me to hear him say that.
"Where is all this coming from, Chas?" I asked
"Ya know, I put up with your shit, and I know that you hate the world and everyone in it, but I just thought that…"
Chas paused and stared at me.
"Spit it out kid!" I half yelled, wanting this conversation over with as soon as possible.
"I just thought that I would be different," Chas said softly, all anger disappearing to be replaced with defeat.
I gaped at the semi-broken teenager in front of me. I didn't move as Chas abandoned the chair he had been sitting in, the forgotten book on his lap falling to the ground in a dusty heap. I listened as Chas's footsteps walked past me and got further and further away. Was he going to leave the apartment and never come back? He couldn't, not before I told him that he was different from the rest of the world, that I didn't hate him, that I loved him instead. I heard the door open. Immediately I shot up from my chair.
"Chas!" I cried, causing the teen to stop.
I noticed tears glittering in his beautiful brown eyes and I felt my heart tug because I had put them there. I stalked up to him in about four steps and stopped.
"I don't hate you, I never could hate you," I started and watched as confusion flittered across his face, "You are different from the rest of the fucking world because…I love you, and you're the only person who has that from me."
Then there was moments like these, my favorite moments, when Chas's perfect lips are on mine and I can feel the passion radiate from him and I know he can feel mine too. Moments like theses, when he finally knows that he is my world and I don't have to hide anymore, make my shitty life worth living.