This story was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt has been made to copyright any characters which may not have been originally created by the author, and no profit is made from this work of fiction. Any original characters and the stories themselves are the property of the author.

Warning: Spoilers for Season 7 and 8 included.

This story is related to "The Real Gate" and "The Real SG-1 Watches An Episode" also posted.


"Come ON, Dad," Major Marki Parker said impatiently as she and General Jorge Jamon stood next to the ramp in the gateroom.

"Major Parker, you know that your father has become quite unable to keep to a schedule since he became a Tok'ra. We just have to be patient," he admonished her reprovingly.

"In the television series, the surrogate for my dad, Jacob Carter, gets this wonderful symbiote who makes him all sensitive and caring. My dad gets this absent minded, disorganized," she sputtered to a close, failing to come up with just the right words to describe how underwhelmed she was by Melmac, the real life Selmak.

"That's enough, Major," the general said sternly. "The fictional Hammond may be willing to accept incredible amounts of inappropriate insubordination and personal chatter while on duty, but you are NOT Samantha Carter and I, your REAL base commander, will not put up with anything other than full military professionalism at all times."

"Yes, sir," Marki said smartly and resumed facing forward toward the gate. At that moment, the claxon went off, the correct code was received, and the iris opened. Moments later, her father came down the gate to embrace his daughter.

He and Jamon exchanged cordial nods, about as far as either one of them could force themselves to go. The friendship between Hammond and Jacob Carter in Stargate fiction was one of the biggest white washes the Air Force had given the deep operative who was the real creative power behind the Stargate movie and later the series. Since they were using the series to soften up the pubic for the eventual revelation of the gate, it wouldn't do to portray the ugly feud between the two men. They had known each other since early in their careers and their instinctive mutual dislike had been deepened significantly when Joseph Parker had stolen Jamon's girl friend, who later became Marki's mother. She had been a Tupperware representative and Parker had captured her interest by buying more Tupperware than any of her female customers. She had to go out with him just to find out what he was doing with it.

"So, Joseph, why the urgent message and the need to arrange a diplomatic meeting?" Jamon asked as they sat down in the conference room with the team that would accompany Joseph back. This consisted of SG-1 and the State Department representative, a Fred Anderson.

"It's bad," Joseph said. "We thought there were some very strict rules put in place to prevent this from happening after the last incident. Some of the council think that willful malice was involved."

"Rules?" the State Department representative said, a little confused, but David Johnson and John O'Malley nodded at each other. The linguist/archeologist and the team's commander immediately knew what the problem was.

"It was a spoiler thing, wasn't it?" John asked.

Joseph nodded glumly. "One of the SG personnel working with us on Mission Snakebite just felt compelled to go off on a diatribe about how unhappy he was over Dr. Janet Fraiser dying. He evidently thought she was a "major babe. And the Tok'ra he shared this with was one of our bigger blabbermouths."

"Oh…my…God," said Marki.

"Exactly," said Joseph. "I do feel compelled to add that there isn't a single Tok'ra who understands why MGM was allowed to kill off Dr. Janet Fraiser since the real Janice Blazer is still very much alive and a part of Stargate Command. It's made a lot of people very unhappy Next thing you know, they'll be killing off Jacob Carter for no apparent reason."

"Actually," David started to say but reminded of where he was and who he was talking to by a fierce look from John. There was no need to drop an additional major spoiler on Joseph.

"But wait a minute," the State Department Representative said, coming to life. While they had been talking, he had been rifling through some papers and consulting a list. "Janet dies in Season 7!"

"Your point?" Joseph said rather frostily. It was a constant complaint of his that he kept getting asked to deal with State Department officials who were not properly briefed.

"That's the season before last. It's not a spoiler any more," the man said looking around for support. To his disappointment he was getting people shaking their heads.

Hil'en, the team's Jaffa, felt sympathy for the fellow. He had spent a lot of time being confused in his first several years on Earth and could empathize. "Not all of our trading partners are on the same season, Mr. Anderson," he explained gently. "The Tok'ra are currently viewing Season 6."

Anderson was rifling through his papers now looking for a mapping of seasons and trading partners. Jamon guessed the purpose of his quest and said, "Your superiors are provided with weekly, not monthly mind you, but weekly mappings as to trading partners and seasons of Stargate: SG1. Also," and he rose and pointed out the conference room window down to the gateroom, "there is a large whiteboard that is one of the last things our personnel see as they go off world that reminds them of the relevant mappings."

"Yet," Anderson snapped, tired of taking all this abuse, "It was ONE of your staff who breeched the rules."

Jamon couldn't argue with that point and said down without rebuttal. Anderson continued, rubbing his hand over his face, "Please remind me as to why we are supplying all these other worlds with our Stargate DVDs?"

"We found several worlds with slightly higher technology who really weren't interested in anything else we had," John explained. "We were at a complete impasse on P5H23 when David hauled out his laptop and played them the DVD. He was just trying to distract them because things were getting quite ugly and they fell in love with the whole concept. For some reason, our planet is way ahead of the rest of the know universe in developing ways to waste leisure time."

"Anyway," Joseph interjected, "Personally, I think the spoiler thing is something of an excuse."

"Ah," Anderson nodded, "That makes more sense to me. What do you think the real issue is?"

"The Tok'ra really do not like the way we are being written or portrayed. There is a strong opinion that our whole fun loving, party animal side is being completely ignored. As one council member put it, 'We're so boring, it's hard to stay awake when we're on the screen.'"

Hil'en was looking very annoyed. "You will forgive me for saying this, JosephParker but the Jaffa are not at all happy with the way they are portrayed either. We are also a fun loving people who really know how to get down," Hil'en saw Marki's smirk and paused to say, "Yes, MajorParker, I do know what that means."

He shifted in his chair and leaned toward Parker. "There is also MUCH unhappiness on Chulak over the episode when my supposed wife dumps me for my best friend and then my son turns on me. The feeling is widespread that that episode cast real questions on our deeply held family values. Then there are those really stupid looking hood type things that Breytag wears. These are generally held to be quite unattractive and, if actually worn, would cause a really bad case of hat hair for anyone who hadn't shaved his head, which as you know, is currently the state of 67 of all Jaffa forces."

He paused to breathe and David interjected bemused, "You actually know the percent of Jaffa warriors who don't have their heads shaved?"

Hil'en looked over at David and explained, "It's a question in our version of a game similar to Trivial Pursuit. It kept Rylac from getting home on the board before me the last time I visited."

He turned back to Joseph, "Anyway, a sizeable contingent of Jaffa have been demanding that we hold out for better Jaffa costumes in future seasons. But, the Jaffa are warriors. We know how to suck it up for the good of the many unlike SOME members of this alliance."

John was watching, clearly a bit entertained since Hil'en was voicing some of his own less than high opinion of the Tok'ra but David began to be afraid that a secondary diplomatic incident was developing right before him in the always uneasy Tokra/Jaffa alliance. "Hil'en I think everyone here appreciates the fortitude of the Jaffa in bearing up under much. Perhaps the best approach is to get our operative in the Stargate production team in for a creative discussion with the Tok'ra and the Jaffa. They keep telling us they're reinventing themselves for Season 9. Let's give him a chance to hear everyone's concerns. We can't promise what we'll be able to do what you request, given the dramatic constraints. MGM demands a pretty healthy under-the-table payment every time we insist on something they don't think is going to really jack up ratings but at least both of your people would know that we care how they feel." David looked over at Anderson. "Do you think the State Department could get behind that?"

"Oh, indeed, Dr. Johnson," Anderson said. "I think that's a splendid idea. What about you, Joseph? Hil'en?" Both nodded their consent. The discussion then went on to consider how to tighten the spoiler rules up even further. Jamon agreed that the SG team member responsible for spoiling would be disciplined but firmly held the right to determine the nature of that discipline in Tauri hands. Finally the group had agreed among themselves on how to handle the negotiations in a few hours on the other side of the gate. The meeting broke up and everyone filed out of the conference room but Marki and her dad.

"Well, Dad," she asked, leaning again the table next to where he was sitting, "What do you want to do with your few hours here before we head back? I mean besides get a cheeseburger, of course."

"What we are going to do, little girl, is talk about you and Dr. David Johnson," her father replied.

"What are you talking about?"

"What am I talking about," her father parroted. "Did you notice that I dropped my pen twice?"

"Yeah?" Marki said, uncertain where this was going.

"The first time was an accident. The second time was to confirm what I thought I saw the first time going on under the table with you and David sitting next to you," he clarified, raising an eyebrow. Suddenly his eyes began to glow and Melmac thundered, "What are his intentions?"

"Have a good time?" Marki said tentatively, knowing that this was probably not the right answer.

"Not with my host's daughter," Melmac announced standing up and starting for the door.

"Dad, Melmac, where are you going?" Marki asked, hurrying along behind him.

"The Jaffa are not the only ones with family values. I'm going to have a little talk with a certain archeologist," the symbiote replied grimly.

Marki trailed along behind him, futilely trying to dissuade him, and thinking, "Thank God he doesn't live here. The havoc he wrecks on these visits of his is already more than I can handle."