Dress Like That

By: Lena (Airelle Vilka)

Author's Note: Dedicated to the Guild of Seamstresses of Ankh-Morpork, A.K.A. The Ladies of Negotiable Affection. Based on "Ass Like That" by Eminem. No Discworld character is safe. The lyrics came to me in my sleep, and were too horrible to pass up. Enjoy! (Oh, and Pterry owns Discworld, Eminem owns the original song, and I own nothing. But that doesn't give you the right to steal it. May I see a Guild of Thieves License, please?)

-cue belly dancer music-

I'll be…
The way you stitch it, I can't believe it
I ain't never seen a dress like that
The way you hem it, you make my wallet go
D-ding ding ding!
I don't believe it, it's almost too good to be true
I ain't never seen a dress like that
The way you trim it, you make my wallet go
D-ding ding ding!

The way she sews, she's better than an Igor
All the zombies line up on the street to see her
And I think I'm enthralled by her skill with a needle
Watchmen saying "Freeze!"
D-ding ding ding!

What do you mean, "Freeze?" Please, I'm an undead being
I have needs, I'm not done, not til I'm finished seeing
To my stitches 'cause they are loose, I am agreeing,
Mr. Carrot, sir! I've unraveled at the knees!
I can't get underground any further, it's impossible for me
And do not treat me like a vampire; I'm not with the League, League, League
Yes, with the Temperance League
Who sing songs that go "Out With Blood And In With Coffee Beans!"
Psych, I joke, I joke, I kid, I kid
If I'm a fiend, I'm sorry, please please forgive
For I am Reggie from City Watch, I am a mere zombie
I can get away with anything I say and you can't kill me

The way you stitch it, I can't believe it
I ain't never seen a dress like that
The way you hem it, you make my wallet go
D-ding ding ding!
And Sergeant Angua looks oh so tempting
Man, I want to see her dressed like that
Every time I see her walk by on the street, my wallet goes
D-ding ding ding!

Oh the Mended Drum, it used to be so loathsome
Thieves and crooks and monsters, all starting fights and rows and
I go to play cards and sit down as they throw stuff
Watchmen saying "Freeze!"
D-ding ding ding!

What do you mean, "Freeze?" Geez, I just got my seat
I'm not cheating, look, I put away, my robe is zipped!
Please look at this fine job that my seamstress Lola did
I did not even get to see where that hole used to be
I do not mean to be obscene or make a great big scene
And don't treat me like I'm Nobby Nobbs, 'cause all my clothes fit me
Mr. Colon, sir! I'm from Unseen University
I will simply wave my staff, disappear and be free, free
Yes, free, right back on the street
What d'you mean, I'm right there and you can still see me?
I'm a wizard! All decked out in sequins and in lace
And I can wear that — if you laugh, I'll gladly rearrange your face

The way you stitch it, I can't believe it
I ain't never seen a dress like that
The way you hem it, you make my wallet go
D-ding ding ding!
And Agnes Nitt is not quite thin enough, so
I ain't never seen a tent like that
She used so much cloth and buttons, she made my wallet go
D-ding ding ding!

The way she moves that thread into her needle
She uses her hands to smooth out every crease and
I stand by her door, and try to sneak a peek, but—
Watchmen saying "Freeze!"
D-ding ding ding!

Ook ook ook ook, Ook? Ook ook ook ook ook ook
Ook ook ook, ook ook ook, Ook ook ook ook ook
Mr. Samuel, sir! Ook ook, ook ook ook ook ook!
Ook, ook ook ook ook ook, ook ook ook ook ook!
Ook ook ook ook ook ook ook, ook, ook ook ook ook
Ook ook ook ook ook ook ook ook ook ook ook ook-ook, ook,
Ook ook ook ook ook, ook ook ook ook ook
Ook ook, ook ook ook ook? Ook ook ook ook ook ook!
Psych, I joke, I joke, I kid, I kid
I don't think I have convinced them, I'm a-split, quick
Get down the hall, and past the troll, to the roof
I ain't the Librarian, I am Gaspode, "woof woof!"

The way you stitch it, I can't believe it
I ain't never seen a dress like that
The way you hem it, you make my wallet go
D-ding ding ding!
Lord Vetinari, won't you hang me with the mimes
'Cause I wanna see you dressed like that
'Cause the way you move it, you make my wallet go
D-ding ding ding!

…WHAT THE KLATCH IS WRONG WITH YOU? (hourglass shatters)
Aaah!

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Author's Note 2: Oh my God. I just imagined Rincewind as a belly dancer. I think I'll go lie down for a bit.