Thank you to Captain Oz for allowing me to use the names for Remus and Sirius. I still believe Padders is the best name in the history of Harry Potter!
I've written a bit of a rhyme
To waste a bit of your time
Just to say one more time
That this fic is not mine.
They were drunk.
Completely, utterly, positively, absolutely, and totally drunk.
"You guys? I think we're drunk."
James Potter pushed his hair from his face and took a swig from the bottle of very illicit Firewhiskey they'd snuck in from Hogsmeade the other weekend.
"No, you think, Wormtail?" He said sarcastically. James was lying on a couch in the Gryffindor common rooms, legs swung over the arm. Peter Pettigrew was curled up in a chair, hugging another bottle of the drink to his body. James and Sirius were both topless, as they had snuck down from their dormitories.
"No!" Sirius Black, who was sprawled on the floor, gave a sudden exclamation. "We're not just drunk—we're seriously drunk!"
There was a long, drawn out pause, before a dry voice answered.
"I applaud you, Padfoot. You've managed to embarrass yourself beyond the standard I expected you to." Remus Lupin was reading (or at least, trying to read) a book in the corner of the common room, and at the same time attempting to ignore his friends.
Sirius overlooked him. "D'you get it, Prongs? Seriously, Siriusly?" James suddenly burst into laughter.
"Oh! I get it!" He wheezed. "That's hifanious—hidadiou—funny, Padfoot!"
Sirius cradled the bottle in his hands, almost as one would a baby. "Oh, I am funny, Prongs. You haven't even seen me yet!" He collapsed in a fit of laughter, before righting himself.
"That was my impression of that slimy Slytherin toad, Jackson. He thinks he's all that, and that no one's seen him yet."
There was a moment of silence, in which James pondered this comment, before he took a thoughtful sip of the Firewhiskey. "D'you think," he said slowly. "D'you think Judson's—you know—invisible?"
There was another pause, before the three began to snicker uncontrollably. Remus gave another loud sigh, and Sirius rolled over on his stomach. He wobbled to his feet, and shuffled over to Remus, before plopping down on the chair next to him.
"C'mon, Rem, you've got to have some." Sirius slurred, so it came out sounding like, "C'mon, Rem, youshe gotsh to have schome!"
Remus stiffened, and tried to push his friend away. "Get off, Padfoot. You know we're not supposed to be drinking Firewhiskey, never mind getting drunk!"
Sirius blinked slowly. "But—but thash not too bad, ish it? Itsh eshential for ush, Remush. Drinksh are good!"
Remus opened his mouth to object, but ended up having a coughing fit as Sirius poured some of the drink down his throat.
"What the hell!" Remus gasped. "Sirius, you can't force me to drink!" He had fallen of the chair, and now as he scrambled to his feet, the Firewhiskey began to take effect. Remus managed to stumble onto the couch before collapsing totally.
James made way and patted his head awkwardly with one hand. "There, there, Moony. You get used to it, eventually. Here, have some of mine!"
Even half-drunk, Remus knew the art of abstinence. "No, no—hiccup! It's ok, James, I don't need any."
"Nonsense!" James proclaimed happily, and popped the bottle into Remus' mouth. The werewolf had to drink it; in his already foggy state of mind, he couldn't think of spitting it out.
The bottle was half-done before James pulled it out. Remus fell back onto the cushions and smiled slightly.
"Hey, thash not sho bad!"
Sirius stumbled over once more, sloshing most of his Firewhiskey on the ground, before he landed back on the floor.
"Guys?" James looked at his best friends.
"Yeah?" Sirius looked back. Peter had fallen asleep a while ago, as he did every time he drank. Remus didn't bother answering, and instead settled for letting his head loll back and forth.
"Why doesn't—why doesn't—why don't—why does Evans hate me?" James pulled at his hair and wiped the bottle off.
"Dunno…" Sirius found the ceiling very interesting at this point. It had…stones, and little…lines.
Remus giggled, and the two boys stared at him. "Maybe itsh cause you alwaysh ushed to teash her. She wouldn't like thatsh! And you're annoying, Prongsh, when you want to be."
James pushed himself up and glared as best as he could at Remus. "You're mean when you're drunk, Moony."
Each boy was affected in his own way when drunk. James had mastered the art of speaking properly, so if they were caught, he would talk their way out, although in his state he would spill about any secret.
Sirius basically slurred his speech to the point where it was hard to understand, and he managed to become very emotional at times. Peter merely stayed in a drunken stupor for a while before falling asleep.
Remus was a strange case. His walls were let down when he was drunk, and all his conservative ways flew out of the window. He would do just about anything when drunk; thus, his fight to avoid drinking.
"You can't be mean…when you're drunk. I can be mean—when I'm not." Remus squinted, then turned to talk to Sirius. He realized his mistake as soon as he began to fall, but by then it was too late.
Sirius blinked blearily at Remus, who had fallen on top of him. "Hello, Remmie. Wassup?"
Remus shrugged. "Dunno—wait. James says I'm mean when I'm drunk. Is that true?"
Sirius shook his head, with some difficulty. "No, no, no, Remmie. You're just…painfilly—paintully—really honest."
"Ah." Remus managed to smile before his head fell in on Sirius's shoulder, and he began to snore gently. Sirius tried to glower at him, but it didn't work.
"Prongs? Jamesie, Moony's fallen asleep on me…" Sirius trailed off as James' arm flopped over the side of the couch, and he realized that everyone was asleep. Grunting, Sirius pushed Remus to the side, but the werewolf cuddled closer.
Sirius wrinkled his nose, but let it go. "G'night, Moony…" He fell asleep rather quickly, Firewhiskey still clutched in one hand.
Remus awoke to a pounding headache, and a very sticky and wet sensation on his back. His pillow was moving, too, but he couldn't be bothered about that. Oh, and someone was holding him around his waist, but that could be attended to later.
Remus blinked once.
Third time's the charm!
Slowly, the brown-haired boy turned over, to find himself staring at a shaggy haired beast. Remus barely stifled a shriek before he realized that it was just Sirius, with his hair swept over his face.
But that would mean…
Remus found Sirius's arms with his eyes, and traced them slowly. Yes, they were the arms around his waist. And Sirius'…chest, was his moving pillow.
Remus was surprised to find he wasn't panicking. He was basically hugging another guy…and he wasn't bothered in the least. This disturbed him—but only slightly.
"Like my face, Moony?"
Remus jumped, before he realized Sirius was smiling groggily at him. "What was that about, Padfoot?" He snapped.
Sirius shrugged. "You were staring. Sleep well?"
Remus nodded nervously, wondering if Sirius noticed their position yet. If he had, the raven-haired boy didn't say a word about it. Instead, he blew a puff of hair from his face and grinned broadly.
"You're not mean when you're drunk, by the way. It's more like you're…funny. I wonder what James'll be like when he wakes up."
Remus blushed as he remembered the events from last night. "Well you two shouldn't have poured all that down my throat!"
Sirius winked sleepily. "Yeah, but if I remember, when James did so, you decided to drink it all, not spit it out."
"…Shut up, you great big brute."
Sirius laughed, and removed his arms from Remus so as to sit up. Remus felt cold instantly, but he suppressed that feeling and sat up with him, just as James and Peter awoke.
"What time is it?" James asked unsteadily. "Is it time for classes?"
Remus glanced outside the window, and found that the sun had just risen. "No, Prongs, it's just fine. No one's come down yet, so I can assume no one's seen your wasted bodies."
"May I remind you that you were also wasted, Moony?" Sirius tickled Remus' nose with a stray hair.
"Shut up." He said bitterly, and stood shakily. He glared down at his feet, which were wobbling dangerously. "Traitors…move!"
Sirius let out a bark-like laugh, before standing and stretching. "C'mon, you guys. We'd better get dressed and ready for classes." Without another word, he walked off to the dorms.
James collapsed back onto the couch and groaned. "Stupid Padfoot and his stupid immunity to stupid hangovers…"
Peter ran over to a window with surprising agility for one so round, leaned over and began to retch.
Remus and James both turned an unsightly shade of green.
"You know, I think I'll join Wormtail…" James held a hand over his stomach as he rushed to another window. Remus only had to hear the first few splatters against the wall before he followed suit.
What a perfect beginning to a perfect day.