Author: Jasmine Starlight
Universe: Eerie Queerie
Rating: M…for mature…
Word Count: 1,432
Spoilers: Vol. 1-4…I have finally read it! Now I need to buy it…unsurprisingly I don't have to edit any of my stories…Ichi's hot mother fucker! He also needs a man, but hey that's what fan fiction is for right?
Warnings: YAOI, this is EQ people, not for homophobes, hey I just realized that homos rhymes with mofos! Ahem, moving on, shonen-ai, PWP, smut and fluff.
Time Completed: 07:11 AM 6/29/05 or however long I'm bored to tears and cannot swim in my swimming apparatus. Wah…
Pairing (s): Ichi/Satoi that much should be obvious, Mitsuo/Hasunuma or maybe not this pairing is written enough, Kanau/Mikuni and Ichiro/Mikuni one-sided. Featuring!Crazy! Mitsuo, Curious? Hasunuma, §Agitated§ Kanau and Suspiciously ?Absent? Mikuni
A/N: My fraction cannot be reduced anymore. Wah…Starlight sad…4/25. Another thing, am I the only one who writes Ichi/Satoi? Come on people get out there and stop writing Hasunuma/Mitsuo. There's enough of that already…please, someone write this pairing, I don't want to be the only one. One is the loneliest number that you ever knew…two is as bad as one but the loneliest number is one…eh………TT
Disclaimer: there was this one time at band camp…it's so hot in here that you can cook a continental breakfast on my head, stupid black hair…
Dedication: all my reviewers for EQ and Avaeya Oblivias who is wonderful...
Hasunuma scrutinized Ichi carefully as he scarfed down his rice, there was something odd about him, especially since he decided to stay at the shrine, voluntarily.
There was something suspicious.
Oh well, there was only one way to test Ichi for normalcy, Hasunuma smirked in evil satisfaction, "Whoops, I dropped my chopsticks can you get them for me?" he asked innocently.
"Hmm?" Ichi said as he looked up from his rice bowl.
"Can you get my chopsticks for me?" Hasunuma repeated.
Hasunuma's smirk lost some of its evilness, normally Ichi would have glared at him suspiciously and then grabbed said chopsticks without removing his gaze, then Hasunuma would jump on him.
Instead Ichi had just turned around and handed him the chopsticks, oh well, there was no reason to break tradition.
Mitsuo and Kanau ignored this odd display of affection and continued eating, Mikuni was on a "business trip" although Kanau paled to what that might encompass, even though Mitsuo and Hasunuma were "going steady" Hasunuma was still prone to hug-like attacks, especially towards Ichi, just so he could see the look on his face.
"Mmphf!" Ichi exclaimed in surprise.
Hasunuma frowned, he was not getting his usual reaction of indignant anger. This wasn't fun at all.
"Hey, Hasunuma can you hand me the wasabi?" Ichi's muffled voice requested through the fabric of Hasunuma's shirt.
Hasunuma grudgingly released Ichi from his stranglehold and stared at him stonily, Ichi innocently continued eating.
Hasunuma's eyes never left Ichi, although they did occasionally stray downward hey, it's Hasunuma we're talking about.
"Have you gotten laid recently?" he asked accusingly.
Ichi choked violently on his rice, so Kanau had to come over and pound his back, "W-what-t kind of question is that!" he exclaimed indignantly.
Hasunuma smiled, finally an Ichi-like reaction, "A valid one, now answer it!"
Ichi grimaced, "Why would you ask me that?" he asked evasively.
"You're dancing around the question Ichi." Hasunuma sang gleefully.
Kanau grudgingly poured tea out of a thermos and into paper cups, after which he then distributed to Mitsuo and Hasunuma, "Why am I here?" he demanded angrily.
Mitsuo, Hasunuma, and a very puzzled and annoyed Kanau were hiding in the bushes by the gym where Ichi usually frequented ("The gym is a great place to meet guys!" "How do you know that Hasunuma!" "Mitsuo put the shrubs down, please keep breathing. Deep breaths, deep breaths.").
Mitsuo cheerfully chugged his tea in one gulp, "Mikuni lent you to us when he went on his "business trip", don't you remember?"
"I know that part, why are we spying on Ichi-san?" Kanau asked agitatedly.
"Because Hasunuma is an insensitive jerk who would rather stalk Ichi than spend time with his boyfriend. Selfish pig, stupid dick." Mitsuo grumbled annoyedly.
"What was that?" Hasunuma asked quickly.
"Nothing, Koiishi. Would you like some tea? Drink it! Drink! DRINK! DRINK IT NOW!"
Ichi scratched his neck slowly, he could have sworn those bushes were alive with something, he narrowed his eyes and squinted.
If he squinted hard enough he could make out a pair of cat's ears sticking out from the shrubbery, so Hasunuma had dragged Kanau along. And apparently Mitsuo, Ichi was able to glean that from the disgruntled screeching emanating from the bush.
Ichi furrowed his brows thoughtfully, well, he hadn't arranged anything today but he could always call ahead and plan something.
Ichi would have started laughing maniacally if it weren't so out of character, so he settled for steeping his fingers and looking rakish and daring.
If he weren't gay he would have had so many dates by now. Like him being gay was such a surprise, come on people he was molested by Hasunuma almost every frickin day.
Honestly, could you blame Satoi for acting the way he had? It had all started when Ichi called him up and asked if he could come over for a visit.
Satoi was slightly taken aback as Ichi was sort of a closet dweller and therefore usually was the one who was asked on dates.
But nevertheless Satoi acquiesced and Ichi had arrived, five minutes earlier than their appointed time, as was his way.
Satoi found it endearing, it was a good thing Ichiro was off purchasing goods (synthetic hair) for his new model of Mikuni doll and Niro was researching how to overcome his allergic reactions to women because Ichi was being strangely…horny?
That was odd, especially when he tried to jump Satoi's bones (A/N:…swoon…) in front of the Torii gate while he had been sweeping the scattered leaves.
Maybe Ichi had eaten those lime pockies again because everybody knows that green can make you horny well apparently everybody but Ichi, although the last time he had eaten them Satoi hadn't had very many complaints, even if he had had to wear turtlenecks for the next five to nine days.
In the middle of divesting Ichi of his button-down shirt Satoi felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up, briefly abandoning a disappointed Ichi to inspect the premises, he found nothing but a quivering bush, which usually meant the cats were mating again.
But of course Ichi knew otherwise and while Satoi was brandishing his broom he went to the switch that activated sprinklers and flipped it on.
The resulting chaos had almost been worth the time he had to go without sex afterward, when the water began gushing out of the sprinklers Hasunuma, Mitsuo, and Kanau had burst out of their bush in surprise.
Satoi (who Ichi firmly believed had had practice with this sort of thing) swung his broom like a pro baseball hitter and whacked the dazed trio several times before he recognized them.
Kanau was the only one not affected only because he was a ghost.
"I knew it! You're boning someone!" Hasunuma accused.
This time Mitsuo picked up the broom to bludgeon Hasunuma into silence, Ichi languidly walked over to where Satoi was standing, and his koi seemed very confused.
Ichi swung an arm around Satoi's slightly more slender waist, "I guess you could say that." he mused out loud.
"Is that what this was about?" Satoi asked.
"Hai." Kanau replied, feeling the desperate need to go make some tea, damn Mikuni he had domesticated Kanau!
"Why couldn't you have just asked?"
Mitsuo flushed darkly, Hasunuma looked contemplative, and Kanau was counting the seconds he was wasting here he would rather be getting fondled by Mikuni than be here.
Ichi smiled, he knew what was coming next, "WTF is your problem! Sneaking in people's bushes and stalking them!" Satoi didn't even have to raise his broom for them to start running.
And that continued for awhile, before the Ichi had boredly took a lime pockie out of his pocket and started eating it, apparently he still didn't know that green things make you horny.
But Satoi, who could scent things (especially lime pockies) from a mile away gave up on chasing Hasunuma in favor of letting Ichi drag him to the shrine's hot spring and doing things that felt very, very good.OWARI