18 Ways To Ruin Your Daughter's Love Life

by Caspia

SUMMARY: Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs proudly present…8 Ways To Ruin Your Daughter's Love Life. You have been warned.

RATING: K+

CHARACTERS: James P., Sirius B., Remus L, Peter P.

PAIRING/S: implied James/Lily, implied Sirius/Female Population of Hogwarts.

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.

Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs

Proudly present…

8 Ways To Ruin Your Daughter's Love Life

You have been warned.

Mr. Moony extends his greetings to the reader, and wonders vaguely why the reader is wasting his or her time reading this list.

Mr. Wormtail welcomes the reader, and begs Mr. Moony to stop chasing away potential mischief makers.

Mr. Padfoot greets the reader, and would like to point out that Mr. Wormtail and all of his dorky comments are chasing away potential mischief makers.

Mr. Prongs waves at the reader, and wants to finish the list so he can get back to fawning over Ms. Lily Evans.

Mr. Moony kindly points out to Mr. Prongs that Ms. Lily Evans is not interested in him whatsoever.

Mr. Wormtail would like to ask Mr. Padfoot if he has a daughter.

Mr. Padfoot wonders where on Earth Mr. Wormtail got such a disgusting idea, and that he is not involved in any activities that would result in a daughter. Yet.

Mr. Prongs yawns and taps his quill impatiently.

When a boy comes to pick your daughter up for a date, drag the boy into a dark corner and tell him that you have no problem going back to Azkaban.

Mr. Wormtail wonders if Mr. Prongs has ever been to Azkaban.

Mr. Prongs kindly says that he will go to Azkaban if Mr. Wormtail does not shut his pie hole.

When a boy comes over for dinner, slip the boy Veritaserum and ask him what his true intentions with your daughter are.

Mr. Moony asks Mr. Padfoot if any of his girlfriends' fathers have ever tried this on him before.

Mr. Padfoot turns bright red and asks Mr. Moony to mind his own business.

Charm the back of the boy's jacket to say, "If I kiss this girl, 'Crucio' me."

Mr. Padfoot would like to point out that if Mr. Moony ever had his jacket charmed like that, he would never get Crucio'd.

Mr. Moony would like to point out that Mr. Padfoot would be in St. Mungo's if his jacket was ever charmed like that.

Pull the boy aside and show him your rather impressive "sharp-and-pointy-objects-that-can-hurt-you-fatally" collection.

Mr. Wormtail wonders if Mr. Padfoot has such a collection.

Mr. Padfoot begs Mr. Wormtail to realize that if he did have such a collection, he would have used it on Mr. Wormtail ages ago.

Mr. Moony threatens Mr. Padfoot with a date with Judy Midgen if he does not stop teasing Mr. Wormtail.

Mr. Padfoot says he would rather go out with the giant squid than with Judy Midgen.

Hire armed security trolls to follow the boy and your daughter around on dates.

Mr. Prongs would like to point out that hiring Severus Snape would be the closest thing to hiring a troll.

Mr. Moony wonders how on Earth the boy and the daughter would be able to enjoy the date with such a git following them around.

Mr. Prongs says that scaring the boy is exactly the point.

Change your daughter's curfew to three seconds after she leaves the house. "1…2…3…oh, time's up!"

Mr. Padfoot would like to say that Mr. Wormtail cannot even count to three.

Mr. Wormtail defends that he does know how to count. 1…2…

Mr. Padfoot reminds Mr. Wormtail that the next number is three.

Mr. Moony is searching for Judy Midgen and is unavailable for comment at the moment.

Whenever the boy is at your house, where a t-shirt that says "Remember this face. You'll see it in your nightmares."

Mr. Prongs says that every girl's father sees Mr. Padfoot's face in his nightmares.

Mr. Padfoot reminds Mr. Prongs that every girl dreams of his(Mr. Padfoot's) face.

Mr. Wormtail would like to point out that Ms. Lily Evans does not dream of Mr. Padfoot's face.

Mr. Prongs says that Ms. Lily Evans is dreaming of his face.

Mr. Padfoot is laughing hysterically on the floor and is unavailable for comment at the moment.

And finally...

Cry hysterically when the boy comes to pick up your daughter.

Mr. Padfoot says that Mr. Wormtail can do this easily, as he is the biggest crybaby in Hogwarts.

Mr. Wormtail sniffs and denies the crybaby rumor fervently.

Mr. Prongs is sick of Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Wormtail and begins searching for his "sharp-and-pointy-objects-that-can-hurt-you-fatally" collection.

Mr. Wormtail is whimpering in a corner and is unavailable for comment at the moment.

Mr. Moony would like to remind everyone that the reader is STILL READING THE LIST.

Mr. Padfoot apologizes.

Mr. Wormtail apologizes.

Mr. Prongs apologizes.

Mr. Moony rubs his throbbing temples.