Disclaimer: Not mine.

ginny knows nothing


"How do you feel?" a sympathetic Hermione asked.

"Like that time when Todd-The-Greatest-Gay-Man-Ever asked me if I had ever considered reevaluating Harry's sexuality for him," Ginny answered despondently.

Hermione frowned. "My God, maybe we need a mediwitch."

Ginny moaned. "It's not funny, Hermione. I have a fever and I don't know how I got it, except from that stupid flat of Harry's, which I am planning to burn down with lots and lots of gasoline."

Hermione shifted in the red plush chair she was sitting in. They were back at school, and only a week into classes when Ginny had gotten sick. Madame Pomfrey had sent medicine and a stern note not to move, except for the quick transition to another room. Hermione and a few other Muggleborns were allowed in because they had faced such a distinctly Muggle disease before.

"Don't say that," she said finally. And then, "And have you heard from Tessa yet?"

The young, dark-haired beauty had suddenly isolated herself from Ginny, and Colin, to everyone's surprise, had joined sides with her. He claimed that Ginny had a few issues to work out between her and Tessa and nearly everyone else in the whole school, and he refused to play devil's advocate with her.

"Frenchie has firmly dumped me," Ginny said miserably. "And I am forlornly awaiting her return."

"You've been reading more Fire In My Pants Of Passion," Hermione said, shaking her head. "And what book are you up to now?"

Ginny brightened considerably. "Book twelve, Bloody Flaming Passion in My Khakis, where Gerardo and Angelo, the Italian twin wizards who have been fluctuating back and forth between the dark and light side, finally split sides because Gerardo finds out that Angelo's love interest, Sophia De Monte Carlo, has been cavorting around with the twins' sworn enemy, Cassius The Mildly Gray, heir of Mortimer the Dark."

"Really?" Hermione arched an eyebrow. "And this is interesting why?"

"Because," Ginny said patiently, "Sophia doesn't love Angelo but Gerardo loves his brother and Sophia, and if Angelo seems to not care so much Gerardo wants to make sure Sophia pays. However, what Gerardo doesn't know is that Angelo doesn't care because he is madly in love with Cassius."

Hermione suddenly zoned back in. "Wait. You mean to say—?"

"I've heard that in the next book, Inferno, Devour My Slacks, Cassius decides to look Angelo's way as a trick, but then accidentally gets more tangled than he wants to admit; in Angelo's dark locks of hair."

Hermione blushed. "Ginny, I seriously don't think you should be reading those. But—just out of curiosity—for educational purposes, you understand—how many do you have?"

"All of them up to twelve. I get them delivered."

Hermione's blush deepened and she stuttered a little as she went about asking her next question. "And…I think I have to monitor your reading material, Ginny. I should probably read them all to make sure that you aren't reading something too—adult for your tastes."

"But Hermione," Ginny whined. "The steamy parts are the best!" The redhead felt a little sorry as she watched Hermione's face flame brighter than the cover of the books, and shrugged. "But I keep them all under my mattress. Sometimes the girls borrow them, so I'm not surprised if a few go missing."

"Ah—okay," Hermione mumbled. "I'd better get going, my free period is almost over, okay?"

"Bye," Ginny said, watching her leave.

Later that day she went to her room to get her aforementioned book twelve. Books one through five were missing.

Draco had been vaguely worried when he heard of the fight between Tessa, Colin, and Ginny, but he was reassured when he remembered that they couldn't possibly stay away from each other, because the time they spent together in class was more than enough to have them make up.

However, only a little while after they came to school he'd heard one of her dorm mates telling another friend that she had come down with something and been isolated. Now he was worried; besides the fact that he'd been hoping to find out exactly what it was that Ginny was upset at him for and now she couldn't tell him, he could even find out from her friends because they probably wouldn't know. And Blaise still wasn't talking to him!

He was walking to the library, pretending not to hear Carina as she prattled on about something or another. He was supposed to be tutoring her, but she was instead talking to one of the girls from Gryffindor; Morgan, he thought she was called. Lost in his thoughts, he almost didn't hear when a voice called his name.

"Hello, Malfoy? Are you even awake?"

He looked up into Harry Potter's eyes, and scowled. "What, Potter?"

Harry shrugged. "You've been standing in the middle of the hallway with this intense frown on your face for a while now. And the people you were waking with, Carina and Morgan, right? They went into the library a while ago."

Draco was suddenly glad he had been trained to keep his blushing to a minimal as he started walking in, a grinning and blessedly silent Potter beside him.

"Isn't that Granger?" Draco said upon entering, hoping Potter would get the clue and leave him alone. Of course, Harry didn't.

"Yeah, but she's got her nose stuck in a book, so she won't listen to me."

Draco frowned. "Hasn't she been reading the same book for a long time now? The cover looks really familiar."

Harry shook his head. "Actually, I think they're Ginny's. It's a series, and Hermione would be bloody embarrassed if she knew she wasn't being as careful as she thought she was."

Draco was about to give a biting retort, when a thought struck him. "Would that happen to be—the Fire in My Pants Of Passion series?"

Harry looked surprised. "Um, yeah." He visibly relaxed. "I forgot you'd spent some time with Ginny. She made most of us read at least the first book; poor Ron had to go up to seven."

"Ah, yes," Draco said, hoping he sounded all knowing. "Um, Potter, would you mind—um—leaving?"

Harry looked a little put down, and Draco almost felt sorry (he was a Malfoy, after all) so he smiled disarmingly. "Doesn't Loo—er, Luna have a free period now?"

Harry nodded. "But she has other friends, and Ron's off with Seamus and Dean doing something or another for Snape, for blowing up that cauldron. And Hermione—well, you can see what she's up too."

Draco stared at him. Could Potter really be so daft as to not notice that Draco obviously did not want him here? Did Potter not see that what Draco was about to do? Go over to Granger, steal the books, make fun of her hair and then run away?

"Potter," he said, enunciating every word very slowly. "You are an idiot. However, I have some use for you. Go get those books from Granger."

"What for?" Harry said, looking confused.

"Because if you don't, I will inexplicably tell everyone that you have read those books and loved them. And that Rita Skeeter woman too."

Harry flushed angrily, but wisely kept his mouth shut and stalked off towards Hermione. Draco watched, extremely amused, as Potter spoke to the bushy-haired girl. Absently, she pushed a pile of books toward him and said something, shooing him off quickly.

Harry returned the books and shoved them in Draco's face. "Here," he muttered, and left quickly lest Draco have other requests for him.

"I am genius," Draco said, and then eyed the first book, Fire in My Pants Of Passion. On the back, in curvy gold script, it proclaimed:

This series will have you rolling on the ground with laughter, clutching your head in agony, and sobbing with wild abandon. Mercy DeMercy writes a beautiful tale, filled with lust, love, adventure, and destiny.

Angelo and Gerardo Brizotti are two twin wizards living in wizarding Italy, with their father Antonio. When he dies, his will says nothing but to 'look for his pants of passion'.

Thus sparks an epic journey across all of Italy as the two brothers attempt to find out about their inheritance, and both of them find love. But what's this? It seems someone else has heard of their good fortune. Will the brothers survive the daring and wicked ruler of the House of Dark?

The second, third and fourth books had basically the same plot point. Draco snorted irritably, however, when he read the back of the fourth.

Following up after Wildfire Burning Through My Cargos and Firestorm Consuming My Trousers we have the internationally acclaimed bestseller, Bonfire Of The Denims

Gerardo and Angelo have finally made it over Dark Mountain and are now in the territory of the terrible and evil Mortimer, ruler of Castle Dark. Sophia, Angelo's love interest from book three, has returned, only to be kidnapped by Mortimer's son Cassius!

The fair-haired, blue-eyed Cassius is now Angelo's sworn enemy, but Gerardo has other plans. It seems that he has taken a liking to another enemy of his, Mikhail The Russian, ruler of Castle Bleak in southern Italy. The promises Mikhail makes of good fortune and power are too good to pass up for the weak-willed Gerardo, especially now that he is unsure of what the light side is offering since his beloved Sicilian beauty Katherine DeMenzi, was killed by them in an attempt to stop her from defecting.

What will become of the brothers, now fighting amongst themselves? And another twist in the plot! Angelo seems to have been mistaken as a warrior god by people living on the Dark territory. Will he become too infatuated with the life of a ruler to help out his brother?

"Utter drivel," Draco muttered, and then opened the first book. While he waited for Ginny to get better, he might as well try to read these. They would keep his mind off of Ginny herself, and maybe he could force himself to read some more. He'd bully and prod at Potter until he had as many as he could from Granger, and then he'd have amassed a fortune of knowledge to use against the redhead.

Yes, that would be his grand master plan.

And, maybe in the process, he would find out if Gerardo decided to defect or not.

Two weeks later, Ginny stepped out of Gryffindor feeling very much refreshed after a relapse of the mysterious flu. She frowned, looking around the hallways.

Her entire Pants series had disappeared for a long time, and then mysteriously returned by one of the school owls. She had questioned Hermione, who had blushed and pointed to Harry, who had merely avoided the question.

Very odd, indeed.

But today was a good day, because the thirteenth book had come about, and in celebration, it had been sent out early. Inferno, Devour My Slacks was supposedly the best in the series, and although she had gotten it earlier that morning she hadn't gotten a chance to read it because of the rush of last minute homework she had been forced to do.

Several people welcomed her back as she walked, and she waved at them absentmindedly. Let's see—first, she had double Charms—with all Gryffindors, thank Merlin. And then—

"Score!" She punched the air with her fist. "Double study-hall! What a beautiful, precious day!" She even graciously ignored the fact that she had classes until six that evening because of it.

Harry and Hermione greeted her as she entered, placing her things next to her. Several sixth years had gotten into this class, and she waved to invite Praia over while inconspicuously glaring at Colin and Tessa, who sat a few seats ahead.

"Gah," Praia said, as soon as she sat down. "There's some kind of fever going around, Gin, something like what you had. Hannah Abbot from Hufflepuff is missing classes for the next two weeks because of it."

"Muggles can contribute only so much," Ginny said wisely. "What has Flitwick been piling on us? Gee, I think I see at least a billion and one new charms to learn for whatchamacalloes."

"OWLS?" Praia suggested dryly.

"Yes, those things." Ginny sighed and leaned against the chair. "It looks like today is the new and improved version of the cheering charm, that must be taught even though Flitwick thinks it'll take up too much time."

"How do you know that?" Praia asked, surprised.

"I read his syllabus coming in."

The other girl shot her a look, and Ginny shrugged as Flitwick commenced the lesson. It was simple enough for her to get it (seventy-six tries to Hermione's forty-nine) but she was still one of the first done.

"Look, I've made Harry unbelievably happy," Ginny said cheerfully, pointing to the dark-haired boy, who was gripping his wand and smiling too tightly as he attempted the charm. "Too bad we haven't learned the counter-spell yet, and I highly doubt he'll get it right in that state."

"Which leaves you un-cheered!" Praia grinned widely; she had been victim to another sixth-year's own. "So sad, these are really quite fun, you know."

"Everyone's too hopped up because no one was depressed in the first place," Ginny muttered. She leaned down and slipped Inferno out of her bag. "Tell me if someone's dying," she told Praia, and then slipped down a little so she could read in peace.

By the time the bell rang nearly an hour and a half later, Ginny was a fifth of the way through Inferno. The book was marvelously thick and made her feel thrilled to see that she had so much more to go.

So far, Gerardo had been paid a visit from an old friend; Mikhail of Castle Bleak, who had supposedly reformed and was also was attempting to get something from Cassius. Angelo had been kidnapped by Mortimer, who merely cast him aside for the use of Cassius's own libido, he supposed. Angelo, shocked at this revelation, had fought every advance put on him as he grew closer to Sophia and awaited Gerardo, who was also fighting some very innocuous (or so he thought) feelings for Mikhail.

"Reading material interesting?"

Ginny glanced up and colored slightly as she found Draco smirking down at her. "It's none of your business, prat."

"On the contrary," Draco replied, arching an eyebrow as he pulled out a chair. "It so is."

"I didn't invite you," Ginny said stiffly.

"I know. I invited myself."

"Has anyone ever told you you're very hated? Yes, several times? Well, add me onto the list, you bastard." The redhead made as if to leave but then Draco leaned over. She flinched, expecting him to grab her wrist, but instead he took the book. "Give that back," she snarled.

"Why should I?" Draco flipped it open to the first page. "I want to see if Sophia eventually does realize that she still has feelings for Angelo but they're being superimposed by those she's starting to get for Mortimer."

Ginny stared.

Winner of Round One: Draco Malfoy.

"How do you know about the Pants series?" Ginny asked as she scrambled across the castle grounds. She'd just had her last class and had dashed out of the room in order to catch Draco before he went to Quidditch practice. She had to try very, very hard not to stare as buckled on his straps and moved with the fluid grace of a Seeker even when on the ground.

"I just do."

"No, you don't," Ginny argued. "That can't be possible, especially considering the fact that only females and gay men like those books!"

Draco turned, flustered. "Are you saying that I'm gay?"

"If that's what you want to hear," Ginny shot back, "then yes."

"It's not!"

Ginny smiled. "Then why would you read them?"

"I'll have you know I'm a very sympathetic member of the male species who will do many things in order to attract the attention of the woman he loves."

"You're reading them to get into some girl's skirt?"

"Exactly," Draco said, smirking widely. "Glad to see you understand, Weasley."

But Ginny wasn't paying attention to what he was saying. Her face had a dreamy touch to it as she leaned closer to Draco. "When you smile, you really do look like Dakota…"

Draco, who had been thrown off balance by her sudden approach, took a moment to think about what she had said. "The moose!"

"Yes," Ginny said, smiling. "You're adorable."

Draco scowled. "I look nothing like some overgrown rat with horns."

"No, I never said that. I said you looked like a moose."

Draco opened his mouth to say something, but then Ginny merely pecked him on the cheek and grinned.

"If you finished reading the series, at least the part about getting into some girl's skirt might come true…"

The Slytherin's jaw flopped uselessly in the air as Ginny skipped away, waving behind her. Someone laughed, and Draco spun to face Blaise.

"What?" he said, but his voice raised an octave at the end.

Blaise laughed harder. "Mate, you've got some issues with her! She's hilarious!"

"A right riot," Draco said dryly. "Get on the frigging pitch, Zabini."

Ginny reclined on the couch in the Slythindor room as she read the letters she had received. One from the Japanese team telling her that they were more than happy that she had spent her holidays with them, and that they hoped to see her soon. Another from her mum and dad, telling her that she'd left her sweater at home and they were mailing it to her (she scowled and realized she had forgotten to hide it in her closet). The last was in a thickly perfumed envelope that sent her into a fit of sneezing. She ripped it open as she opened the windows in the room, and held a hand to her nose while she read it.


You are still invited to stay with Tessa for this summer. I've heard that she's having a spat with you from some of my friends' children, but trust me; she is just being her normal, thickheaded self. Although it might do you some good to apologize as well. I've sent you something to help out that endeavor. In the meanwhile, Grandmother Reeve is going to Italy this summer, so you've got two weeks without her if you end up staying!

Cordially yours,

Andromeda Reeve

The 'Andromeda Reeve' had been crossed off the bottom of what was obviously stationary, and in flowy cursive the word 'Andy!' was written.

Ginny smiled and looked over at the owl that had delivered the letter. A package was attached to its leg, and as soon as she saw it the redhead realized it for what it was. She unclipped it from the owl's leg and ruffled its feathers.

"Here," she said, handing it a hastily written letter. "I want you to go searching for a creature—he looks like a small dragon, but he calls himself an Elemental. His name is Gwinn. If you find him, come back here with him and I'll reward you!"

The owl blinked moodily at her and took off as soon as the message was secure. Ginny shook her head and grinned as she lifted the package up and left the Slythindor room, leaving the lock to click behind her as she left. There were some things she had to talk to her friends about.

Tessa and Colin were already sitting in the Room of Requirement when she get there. The former held up a note and threw it sourly at Ginny's feet.

"I got your letter," the dark haired beauty said.

Ginny nodded as she sat down a little ways from them and cleared her throat. "Yeah…um, well, I have a lot to say so forgive me but I'm launching into my really long story right now, okay?"

Colin looked amused; Tessa merely looked expressionless. Ginny took a deep breath and continued.

"So, this year, we started out like any other year, right? Being really stupid and acting like idiots and doing some illegal things. The Objectives were a whole lot of fun too. I can't believe we pulled most of them off. I mean, that thong and Snape? It had me cracking up."

Even Tessa let a smile flit across her face at that.

"Can you remember running from the Glitter Cloud of Devastation and Dastardliness? That was a riot. And pulling that trick on Cho made me feel like we'd never die, or something along the lines of invincibility. When we got the Elementals after the ball, Tessa, it was like everything was just going to keep falling into place. I mean, Gwen is super, and I'm so mad that I don't have Gwinn anymore—"

"You don't have Gwinn anymore?" Tessa said, eyes widening. She quickly forced down her surprise, and by the time Ginny had finished explaining why she was silently seething.

"And sometimes," the redhead continued, "I wanted to blame it all on Draco. Because I know that if he had never paid attention to me or something, this year could have been better. But I can't, because, see, it's all my fault. It's always been my fault, and I can't believe I would stoop so low as to mistakenly ruin your relationship with Blaise—even if it was just because you mentioned me as, like, a passing folly. Tessa, you're like the sister I can't have—I don't think I can live without you! Colin, I've known you for ages, ever since you took those pictures of Harry and I got too jealous."

Colin scratched at the back of his neck. "Er, yeah. But, Gin, I'm not mad at you, just so you know." He flinched when Tessa looked at him and then shot her a 'what?' look.

"It doesn't matter," Ginny said, shaking her head. "First off, I haven't had the chance to properly congratulate you on your relationship with Carina—congrats, Colin, and good luck in the future. Tessa—I want nothing more than to be friends with you. And—" Ginny said, taking the package from earlier. "Your mum sent us those Peruvian Chocolates—your favorite!"

Tessa stood, her face stormy as she walked over to her friend. "You think that chocolates that you've gotten from my mother are going to get to me?" She raised a hand as though to slap Ginny, and the redhead flinched but didn't move away. Whatever she got now, she deserved.

"Well, it worked."

Ginny's eyes shot open in surprise as Tessa plunked down in front of her and took the chocolates, unwrapping the box eagerly. A slow, bright grin spread across Ginny's face, until she was beaming.

"I suggest two more Objectives!" she said, very happily. "One—we must get Tessa back together with Blaise!"

"Here, here!" Colin shouted.

Tessa blushed. "And what's the second one?"

"That we enjoy this year as best friends until the end," Ginny said mischievously. "We don't need Objectives to totally wreak havoc upon Hogwarts. To the Slythindor room, where we shall immediately plunder the vast store of Ice Mice I have second-handedly plundered from the kitchens!"

"To the Slythindor room!" Tessa repeated, laughing. Ginny stood tweaked Colin's nose.

"Last one there's a Dumbledore," the redhead said, and ran out. Colin rolled his eyes and made as if to follow, but Tessa stopped him. She gave him a cool, calculating smile.

"You're still in on the third Objective, of course, Colin?"

The Creevy looked slightly miserable before nodding glumly. "I still don't like this. It feels like we're double-crossing her."

"No worries," Tessa said, patting his back. "When we're done, she'll thank us or hate us."

"Probably the last one."

Tessa agreed.

I'm more dissapointed in myself than I've ever been before. I could only come up with eight pages for this. EIGHT. Jesu Christe, at this rate it'll be one page per chapter. I refuse to put this fic on hiatus though, so no worries, you'll get a longer update (and soon, I hope.)

Let me know what you think? Thanks.