Snape Makes a Declaration


The Potions classroom is unusually dark. The students sit, fidgeting and murmering, for several minutes.

"Where the hell is he? Snape's never late for Potions." says Draco Malfoy.

Suddenly, the room door slowly opens. Snape, a hat on his down turned head, is sheathed in dark blue light. Music begins to play. Snape rocks in place to the music, head still down.

"What...the...hell?" Harry Potter asks.

In time with a percussion clang, Snape shakes his head back and forth very fast. Snape begins stepping into the classroom, dancing slowly. The blue light follows him. He stops at his desk and does a spin. "Hoo!" Snape says.

Snape grabs his crotch. Several students, including Ron Weasly, pass out in horror. Snape moonwalks to the tune of the music. A microphone flies into his hand and Snape begins to sing.

"She was only a silly fool, at your Hogwarts school

I never payed her all that much mind, she was just one... of those damn Gryffindors on the grounds.

She was just another one... of those damn Gryffindors on the grounds.

She told me her name was Lily E., the day she met me

My oily head turned so slightly, and she was just one... of those damned Gryffindors on the grounds." sings Snape, dancing slowly through the front of the classroom.

"Granger! You're good with spells... Kill me!" Malfoy asks Hermione, his eyes pleading. Hermione is recoiling in her chair, staring at Snape as he continues to dance and sing.

"People always tell me, there's something up with you

Maybe a girl once broke your heart... heee-eeee...

And Mother always told me, you'll find someone to love

But I never played the fool, and I never wanted to

Hey hey" Snape sings. He approaches Harry's desk. Harry sits pale and mortified.

"Lily E. was not my lover

She was just a girl who's presence I tried to shun

And the kid is not my son" sings Snape, pointing at Harry. Harry leans farther back in his chair.

"Her presence I tried to shun

Yheah, the kid is not my son...

For many days and for many nights, she told James off right

And who could stand him? But she met his demands.

His schemes and plans.

Curse those damned Gryffindors all around.

Yheah, at first she seemed nice. But in the end I guess she thought twice.

She thought twice! She thought twice! Woo!" Snape yells. Snape's made his way back over to the desk. He jumps ontop of it, his black robes knocking some papers and a couple of bottles to the floor.

"So she and Jamesy were "meant to be"

It was sickening

It wasn't long till their baby cried.

His face ain't like mine.

He's a damn Gryffindor on the grounds... Harry.

People always tell me, there's something up with you

Maybe a girl once broke your heart... heee-eeee...

But she never meant much to me

She was a silly loon

Took Jamesy for her groom

And I never met her womb

Hey-eeyy

Lily E. was not my lover

She was just a girl who's presence I tried to shun

And the kid is not my son...

Lily E. was not my lover

She was just a girl who's presence I tried to shun

And the kid is not my son...

The kid is not my son...

Lily E. was not my lover

Lily E. was not my lover

Lily E. was not my lover

Lily E. was not my lover!" Snape stops, yanking his hat off, and leaps to the floor. The classroom suddenly becomes better lit as Snape walks around behind his desk and sits down.

"And now that that's settled... turn to page 374." says Snape.

Harry gets up and walks over to Snape. "What in the name of God were you doing?" asks Harry.

"I read some fanfics online that implied that I was in love with your mother, and that somehow you are actually my son." Snape says.

"And THIS was your way of dealing with it?" asks Harry.

"Yes. I think it was effective. Mr. Malfoy! Clean that vomit off your desk and get to work. Er, and 20 points to Slytherin. Potter, return to your seat! Erm, and 20 points from Gryffindor." Snape says.

Harry shudders as he walks back to his seat.

"Snape's lost it completely this time." Hermione says as Harry sits back down. Ron pulls himself up off the floor. "Is it over?" he asks. "I think so." says Hermione. "There has to be some kind of a law against doing what he just did." Ron says.

"I heard that, Weasley. 10 more points from Gryffindor for insulting my musical talent! And just be glad I didn't sing 'Molly Weas. Was a Great Lover'." says Snape.

"WHAT!" said Ron. "Huh? Oh, er, nothing...nothing at all... son." says Snape. Ron's eyes roll into the back of his head as he slides back onto the floor, passing out again. Snape shrugs.

The end.