The Official Fanfiction University of CSI
Disclaimer: Characters from CSI are borrowed and no ownership is claimed and no profit made.
Author's Note (Cam): This is based on the idea from 'The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth' and is very much written with permission. Seeing as Camilla is the author of that and also one of the authors of this, she has very kindly allowed herself to write this too.
Author's Note (PA): This is Princess Artemis, whom Miss Cam has kindly allowed to co-write this with her. Being American, I usually spell that way, but she doesn't, so the odd British spelling may slip by. Anyway, be nice to us and e-mail questions regarding the university to the address in our combined profile and use the review button for reviews if you're so inclined.
It was, she decided as she looked out over the airport, glorious to be her.
Just to think, she'd won this trip to Las Vegas for writing a fanfic. Not just any fanfic, of course – 'Bend It Like Grissom' was her proudest creation. It detailed how Grissom and Sara were forced to investigate a murder of a tantric-sex practicing couple and how they 'researched' it over and over and over and then they had triplets of love and bought a mansion in Las Vegas to forever be lovey-dovey – but she'd never thought CBS actually read them.
How glorious it was to be wrong and to be her, Nina Moore, fanfic writer extraordinaire.
Come to think of it, it was slightly odd she'd won this prize in her name. After all, she did write under SG4EVA&EVA, and not her real name, but presumably, CBS had excellent researchers and had tracked down her real name. Yes, that had to be it.
Nina looked up to see a young woman walking towards her, looking bright and with a slightly worrying smile on her lips. She didn't quite look like Nina's image of a CBS employee, but then, she was probably just a secretary.
"I'm Miss Cam," the woman said, still smiling. "I'm your… liaison while you're with us. Just this way."
Nina followed, clutching her bag excitedly, trying to keep up with the brisk pace. "How did you guys find my fics?"
The woman smiled faintly. "Oh, believe me, we were just drawn to them instantly. By the way, what did give you that stunning idea to have Ecklie kidnap Sara and turn out to be a mass-murdering lunatic in the end?"
"Well, he is an asshole on the show," Nina replied. Didn't CBS people their own show?
"Ah yes. Quite."
Definitely not a viewer of the show, Nina decided. Ecklie's evilness was obvious, after all, just as obvious as Sara's destiny to father four little Grissom juniors. And one daughter named Nina, of course.
Outside, a parked Denali greeted her and she couldn't help a little squee. Same car as on the show! This was even better than she had imagined.
"So where are we going?" she asked, as the woman (Miss Sam? Miss Dam?) opened the door for her.
"Oh, we have you staying at the new OFUCSI building."
Odd name for a casino, Nina reflected, but perhaps it was the fashion these days to name things after what sounded like a cough coming up.
"And here's Archie with our other arrival today," the woman smiled, and Nina turned to see a girl her own age walking over with the actor who played one of those lab techs she never quite noticed, being busy drooling over Grissom and all.
"She won a trip too?"
"You could say that, Miss Moore," the woman replied. "I'm sure you two will get along. Miss Nina Moore, Miss Juliana Jacobs. Jump in now, girls."
"What did you win this trip for?" Nina asked after they had been driving for a while, feeling slightly annoyed she had to share her prize. No one had mentioned that.
"My great epic, 'The Bugman and the Lady of Lace'," Juliana replied, beaming slightly. "You?"
"Oh, 'Bend It Like Grissom'," Nina replied, trying to remember if she'd read this other fic. She thought she'd read every GSR story out there, but maybe she'd missed one. "So how did you have Grissom and Sara first do it?"
"What? Ew! I had Sara try to break them up, of course, but true love prevailed."
"What true love?"
"Grissom and Catherine, of course!"
Nina nearly lost her breath. An Enemy! A deluded Catherine and Grissom shipper! How could this be?
She gave the Enemy a hard look, who returned it.
"Oh my God, you're one of those Grissom and Sara shippers! He's old enough to be her dad! Ew, ew, ew!"
"Catherine is a troll!"
"Sara is a harpy!"
"I have to stop betting with Warrick on these things," the lab-tech-actor said sadly, and Nina was torn out of her hateful stare-other-shipper-into-submission-and-the-true-way to look up. "Seven times out of ten, they bicker like this."
"Your own fault for betting with a talented ex-gambler," the woman replied. "Don't you think he's looked into the odds?"
"Excuse me, did you say Warrick?" Nina asked. Something was odd here. They wouldn't call an actor by the name of the character he portrayed, would they?
The man merely smiled at her, as the car pulled sharply over. "Here we are."
Nina could have sworn the trip from the airport was supposed to take longer, but she got out anyway, seeing the sparkling sign of 'OFUCSI' flicker in color high above. It looked casino-like and all, but she still had an odd feeling as she went inside.
"The lab's at the back," the woman said casually, guiding them through the carpeted entrance hall, "but you will see that soon enough and have classes there, too."
"Classes?" Juliana asked, sounding as if the word was foreign to her. Nina gave her annoyed glare, since she had been about to do the same.
"Why yes. But Ecklie will explain it all. In here."
"Ecklie?" Nina muttered, but got no answer as she was pushed into a convention hall and saw hundreds of faces turned to look at her. And at the podium, Ecklie was throning, looking sour.
"Ah, I believe that is the last two," he said, giving Nina and Juliana both a hard glare until they slinked down on available seats. "Welcome students! I am Conrad Ecklie, and you will call me Mister Ecklie and nothing else or I will give you homework from here to eternity, which incidentally is as long as it would take me to play matchmaker for Miss Sidle and Doctor Grissom, or send them on a holiday to Kuala Lumpur because they've worked so hard, poor things."
He paused a moment, looking for a moment as though he were trying to cough up a hairball.
"Now, I'm sure you're all very confused about why you're here. You are in fact here because you've written fanfiction. About me, about my lab, and some very questionable activities that makes me wonder if you think crime solving to be about solving the mystery of what underwear we all wear rather than actual crimes. And quite frankly, I feel sick reading it, especially all that wanton naked Grissomness you people stick everywhere. So you're here to learn better."
"There is better than naked Grissom?" a girl whispered next to Nina, and Nina fought the urge to nod enthusiastically.
Ecklie smiled thinly. "Welcome, in fact, to the Official Fanfiction University of CSI, our glorious teaching facility. Our motto is 'Learning Through Pain' and trust me, we promise plenty of both. We have enrollment papers for you all to fill out, you will all be given a room and a roommate, and tomorrow, Miss Cam will take you through the classes of your first semester as well as introduce you to our teaching staff. Of course, you probably know them already, since you write so much about them."
Nina could hardly breathe. Were they going to be taught by the CSIs themselves? Sweeeet! Surely, she could then get to have A Talk with Grissom about Sara, strawberry jam, and his desk. She could get to match up her One True Pairing! This was better than any prize.
"Finally," Ecklie boomed, cutting through the excited buzz of the room, "time spent here will not affect time in the real world and you will be returned to the time you left upon graduating, you're all having a mass delusion that characters from your favourite TV show are actually real, blah, blah, blah. But don't try to skip your homework or term papers with that excuse. Now get lost."
The buzz grew to a roar as soon as Ecklie stepped down and Juliana let out a little squee by Nina's side.
"I'll get to see Catherine and Grissom finally realise what I've known all along!"
"You'll get to see Sara and Grissom do that, haha!"
"You're all deluded," a girl said firmly from behind them. "Grissom loves Nick."
In the back, the teaching staff had already quietly filed in, watching the mayhem.
"They care more about my love life than I do," Catherine remarked to Warrick, who merely shook his head in wonder.
"Are we really sure this is a good idea, Grissom?" Nick asked, dodging a flying book. "They're… Passionate."
Grissom shrugged. "Think of it as an experiment and them as the ants we're observing."
"I'm not usually lusted after by ants," Nick muttered under his breath.
"Give it a few days, you might like it," Sara suggested.
"Are we just gonna watch this?" Greg remarked, tilting his head. "Not that I'm complaining, but is this the start to the semester we really want?"
"Yes," Grissom said with conviction, thinking of the countless fanfics that had made him weep (like three angry babies dropped on their heads) after sleeping with Sara. "Yes, this is exactly the start we want."
Vengeance could be sweet, but so could education.
It was time to teach a few lessons.