PROLOGUE

It was the year 2005, and three priests and their housekeeper had escaped to Titanic to head off to America to start a new life. They stowed away in the cargo hold, taking a few of their possessions. Little do they know several other priests and a few bishops are on the ship too.

"Ted!" shouted Father Dougal Maguire, who had come out from a large crate in the cargo hold of the Titanic. The young Irish priest then caught sight of his tank top, which had unravelled and fashioned itself in the shape of a bikini top. "Ahh!"

"What is it?" Ted Crilly, a middle aged priest with grey hair, was helping a seriously drunk Father Jack Hackett out from a crate which contained hundreds of now empty bottles of beer, with the help if their housekeeper, tea-obsessed Mrs Doyle.

"Me tank top has turned into some sort of woman's bra!"

Ted couldn't help but laugh.

"BRAS!" Jack woke up instantly at the word 'bra', a deranged look on his face. "Drink! Feck! Arse!"

Ted sighed. Father Jack was always like this, he was constantly screaming abuse and drinking constantly. He also had a passion for women, or 'Girls!' as he calls them.

The four had escaped from the Hell-hole that was Craggy Island. Craggy Island was a god forsaken island off the coast of Ireland, to the west of Galway. They had managed to escape from Bishop Brennan, or so they thought. They were totally unaware that Brennan was hiding in another crate, spying on them.

"Father Maguire! What on Earth are you wearing?" Mrs Doyle just noticed the form that Dougal's tank top has taken.

"My tanktop's turned into a bra!"

"Oh ... would you like a cup of tea, Fathers?" Mrs Doyle asked, brandishing her tea set.

"Tea? Feck!" Jack shouted, sitting on a rather weak crate which creaked noisily before collapsing under him. Jack got up, muttering, and walked away like a wind up toy. He found a crate full of champagne bottles ("DRINK!") and began to drink them at an alarming rate.

Ted thought about how it all began ...

"Right!" Ted said, grabbing hold of his Golden Cleric award, three packets of Mayfair cigarettes, money and his jacket. "We're not staying on this feckin' dump any longer!"

"How Ted? Where are we goin'?" Dougal looked up from his football magazine, a surprised look on his face.

"Dunno ..." Ted took a cigarette from one of his packets and lit it.

"How about ... Mwengwe? His parents are away for the weekend and he's got satellite?" Dougal said, putting down his book.

"Dougal ... he lives in Addis Ababa ... in Ethiopia," Ted said.

"Oh right, yes ... how about New York?"

Ted thought about it for a moment. "Of course! There's that ship ... Titanic, yes, it leaves Southampton tomorrow at 12 o'clock. Gather your things Dougal, we're going to America!"

"Hooray!" Dougal shouted, before he skipped upstairs to pack some of his belongings.

"Arse!" came Jack's voice from the corner of the room.

They were going to America ... away from Craggy Island ... and Bishop Brennan. Ted couldn't be happier. It was going to be him, Dougal, Jack and Mrs Doyle. He couldn't wait. They would have to hide in the cargo hold, but since they were priests, they hoped no-one would dare throw them overboard.

That's why they left Craggy Island, That's why they were hiding in the cargo hold. This is where the story begins, in the cargo hold of the luxury liner Titanic.