Part the First: Students
He lives in the dungeon, the greasy-haired git,
"My students are awful," he says in a snit.
"They blow up the cauldron, they drive me insane,
They have a big mouth and a very small brain.
"There's the Longbottom boy, the blundering fool
Who would be enough to make me quit this school.
I'm not purposely mean, but the boy is a twit,
Completely and utterly lacking in wit.
"He mangles the simplest potion, you see
He can't tell a shrivelfig from a winged pea,
Whatever you teach him, it doesn't get through,
If you had to teach him, you'd loathe the boy, too.
"Talking of hate – there's the Potter boy, Harry:
Obstinate, full of himself, and contrary.
"Harry, our hero," they whimper and boast –
The kid's as appealing as toe jam on toast.
"Dumbledore thinks that I don't understand him.
That isn't the problem. I'd just like to send him
Per Portkey to the Canadian prairie.
You'd want to, too, if you had to teach Harry.
"Part of the group is Hermione Granger,
The one who keeps Longbottom's nose out of danger.
She has the brains that her male friends are lacking,
If I could keep her, I'd send all the rest packing.
"It's not that she's pretty, or witty, or tall
She's a show-off and insuff'rable know-it-all.
But in case of a marriage law, or forced adoption,
She is by far the most preferable option.
"As far as the Weasley boy, he is a zero
Sidekick to Potter's deplorable hero.
Red hair and Quidditch, intelligence: small,
If you've seen one Weasley, you've seen them all.
"You can take every gangly, hormonal teenager
- exempting the brilliant Hermione Granger -
And send them to Cleveland or Northern Peru.
If you were their teacher, you'd send them there, too."
Next: Snape's romantic ambitions he will confide
But give me encouragement, down there, left side
is a button to push, should you, reader, so choose.
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