Title: Palpatine's Melon
Archive: Yes, please. If you want to put this on a web page please let me know.
Teaser: A short funny fic about Palpatine and a melon. Luke and Vader get involved.
Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. They belong to George Lucas and Fox. This is just for fun.
AN: This is one of those short, crazy fics.
Palpatine rested in Imperial Park. He had everything he needed to enjoy the summer holiday: a lawn chair, a cool drink in his hand, a bottle of sunscreen which didn't help him at all and a radio so he could listen to his favorite music. But what he didn't have was a melon. It just wasn't summer until you ate melon. The Emperor spotted Han Solo strolling through the park. "General Solo, go get me a melon!"
"Right away, Your Majesty." Han made a mock bow and hurried off to buy a melon. A short time later he returned with a small melon cradled in the crook of his arm. "Here you go…"
"What? That?" Palpatine exclaimed in rage as he stared at the small melon. "That melon is too small! Go get me a bigger one!"
Han grumbled under his breath but went to buy another melon. When he had it he returned to Imperial Park. Knees bending under the weight of the large, heavy melon he staggered over to The Emperor. After carefully placing in on the grass near the elderly man, he wiped the sweat from his brow. "How's that one?"
Palpatine eyed it, frowning. "You can do better than that, General Solo!"
Grumbling in Huttese about crazy Emperors, the General stalked off angrily. He went to another store and after much arguing and swearing found an even bigger melon. He had no idea what kind of melon it was but it was round so it rolled. It was a good thing, too, as it was too heavy to lift. The melon didn't fit through the store's door so Han pulled out his blaster and did a bit of remodeling. With much screaming and laser blasts behind him, Han made his get-a-way towards the Park. He rolled the melon up to Palpatine and grinned crookedly. "I bet this one is big enough for you!"
The Emperor eyed it critically. "Are you trying to insult me, General Solo? If you want your Holiday Bonus you best remember I'm an Emperor and deserve the BIGGEST melon!"
Han's face darkened in anger and he stalked off. Going to yet another store he bought a tiny melon. He had a plan on how to satisfy the greedy Emperor. Melon in hand, Han walked until he found a huge earth-moving machine. Carefully placing the melon in the front scoop of the machine, he called Luke over. "Hey, Luke! Come over here for a moment…"
Luke walked up to Han with a puzzled look on his face. "What are you doing by this earth moving machine?"
"See that melon? Why don't you enlarge it with the Force?" Han suggested.
"I can't do that!" Luke protested. "The Force doesn't work that way!"
"Sure it does." Han said with a grin. "Why just the other day I saw Vader enlarge an apple pie using them weird powers…"
"Yep!" Han lied.
"Oh, well in that case I guess I can do it, too!" Luke reached out with the Force and concentrated on making the melon grow larger. Soon it began to grow. The melon grew bigger and bigger until it was so large that it barely fit inside the machine's front scoop. Luke opened his eyes and his bottom jaw dropped in amazement. "I really did it! It worked!"
"Thanks, Kid! I owe you one…" Han climbed into the machine's driver seat and hotwired it. The engine growled and he started to drive towards Imperial Park. Within moments here was there and Palpatine was dead ahead. "Hey, I got your BIG melon!"
Palpatine's eyes bulged out at the size and he began to lick his lips eagerly.
The machine's scoop lifted and tilted, the melon falling towards the Emperor…
"AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Palpatine shrieked as the melon landed on top of him.
Chucking, Han drove away to return the earth-moving machine.
Sensing distress from his Master, Darth Vader headed to Imperial Park. Upon arriving he saw the giant melon with one of Palpatine's bony hands poking out from underneath it. The Sith Lord shook his helmeted head sadly. How could an old man get into so much trouble? And where in the Force did he get such a giant melon? "Greed is of the Dark Side…"
"AAAAAHHHHHHH! GEEEETTTT ITTTTTT OOOFFFFFFF!" Palpatine moaned from under the fruit.
Vader reached out with a black-gloved hand and easily moved the melon off his Master with the Force. He then reached down and helped Palpatine to his feet. "Are you all right, Master?"
"Ooohhh, never been better…." Palpatine swayed crazily on his stick thin feet. The squashed lawn chair was glued to his body. When he turned sideways it was clear he was now as thin as a broom handle. The remains of the sunscreen bottle were just a white smear on his dark Jedi robe. "I … I think I shall go get out of the sun for awhile…."
"Yes, Master." Vader bowed respectfully.
With much difficulty, Palpatine started to walk towards his Palace. When he was near the Royal Duck Pond a strong breeze came along and blew his thin body into the water. Luckily, the Imperial Red Guards were near and managed to beat off most of the hungry fish with their big force pikes. Finally the flattened ruler was hauled indoors where he wasn't seen for many days.
Vader stared at the melon. It would be a shame to waste it…
"Hi Father!" Luke called as he came up to the Sith Lord. He eyed the big melon and licked his lips hungrily.
"Do you want to share some of this melon?" Vader asked.
"Sure! Cold melon is great on a hot day!" Luke used the Force to chill the melon and smiled. "Do you want to carve it?"
Vader pulled out his lightsaber and started to carve the big melon. "There is so much melon. We'll never be able to eat all of this, Luke. Let's give it to the citizens of Coruscant."
"That's a great idea!" Luke exclaimed and he quickly ran to make a big sign and propped it up near the front of the park.
FREE MELON TODAY!
Soon people started to show up and the two Jedi found themselves busy carving with their lightsabers. Others brought cold drinks and someone else started barbecuing. Before they knew it a real summer celebration was going on in Imperial Park! The day ended with fireworks and cold ice cream.
"This is one of the best days I ever had on Coruscant!" Luke told his father as the two walked home to Vader's nearby palace.
"I agree. And what made it so special is that I spent it with you." Vader told his son as he opened the door.
HAPPY JULY FOURTH!