The Silent Game

Eight (or why the winner is…)

"Part two of the plan…" Stewie whispered, sitting up in his crib a half-hour later. "Time for Cassie and Quagmire to resolve matters…"

Stewie leaped out of his crib, grabbing the pill-like thing in his pocket and sneaking downstairs. Cleveland and Peter, ever enthralled in the fifty-dollar prize of the Silent Game, were having a thumb war, while Joe and Quagmire looked on in interest.

"Five bucks on Cleveland," Joe said to Quagmire.

"You're on," Quagmire replied heatedly. Cleveland and Peter were clearly having the time of their lives acting like second-graders.

Stewie sneaked past them, past Lois, Bonnie, and Loretta talking about the feelings of Meg and Cassie, past Brian reading the New Yorker, past Chris and Cassie playing a stupid word game ("I'm thinking of a word… and it's not parsley. What is it?" "Is it parsley?"), and came to the kitchen, where Stewie saw a sink. (Wow, how was THAT for a run-on sentence?) Stewie, to make his phase two complete, needed some water. After all, was one supposed to dry-swallow a pill? Disgusting.

Stewie climbed up the sink with the aid of a barstool, grabbed a cup from a cupboard, and filled it with tap water (Quahog had the second-freshest tap water in the nation, right after some really small town in Kansas. Or that town in The Rookie, Stewie couldn't remember). Stewie carefully moved himself, the pill, and the glass of water up the stairs, placing all three objects on Meg's bedroom counter. So that was taken care of. All Stewie needed were the two victims.

Cassie would be easy to bribe. Just stick a comic book in front of her and make sure she followed it into Meg's room, and lock the door.

When the door was locked, Stewie told Cassie to take the pill.

"Why?" Cassie asked. "I don't have a headache or anything."

"It's a birth control pill," Stewie lied.

"You mean…"

Stewie nodded. "Good luck."

Stewie didn't leave until he saw that Cassie had taken the pill. Bingo, part one complete.

Quagmire wouldn't be much harder to bribe.

"Hey, do you want to know where my parents keep the videos that I can't watch?" Stewie asked Quagmire.

"Yeah," Quagmire giggled naughtily.

"Follow me."

So, as Quagmire was walking upstairs to see Cassie, Stewie stood outside the door. Quagmire had only one question for him.

"Is there a VCR in here?" Quagmire inquired.

"Of course, why would I drag you up here if there was no VCR?" Stewie stewed, rolling his eyes tepidly. He was rather good at lying.

As soon as Quagmire walked into Meg's room, he was slightly startled.

"Cassie?" Quagmire cocked his head. "What are you -?"

Cassie embraced Quagmire, kissing him tenderly. Quagmire gave in after five seconds, being the person that he is, and for a minute there was nothing more than kissing. Quagmire attempted to loosen the sleeve on her shirt, and thus start the usual.

Then Cassie suddenly backed away. A goofy look had replaced her crimson features, and suddenly she walked out the door and almost tripped down a step.

"Ha ha ha… wow that was a good one!" Cassie giggled hysterically. Quagmire looked down at Stewie and narrowed his eyes in confusion.

"Does she have the tapes?"

"Did my parents take them again?" Stewie pretended to be angered. "Dang."


Now for the martini shaker. It was about time for dinner, so Stewie made Brian a little pick-me-up laced with the vial of potion that he had placed in his pocket. Stewie gave it to Brian, who nearly kissed him for doing such a simple act of kindness.

When everybody sat down to dinner, Cassie was still acting crazy. When Brian took a sip of his martini, he began to act just as crazy as Cassie. In fact, the two began to play off of each other.

"Yeah, have you guys seen Into Thin Air?" Cassie asked between laughs. Cleveland and Peter, who were seated next to each other, shrugged, not knowing what was wrong.

"Wasn't that the one with the Siamese twins?" Brian inquired, giggling so hard that he could barely speak.

"Naw, that was Winx Club, silly!" Cassie laughed.

"Hah! Who cares?" Brian retorted loudly.

"You know what? The Home Shopping Network is showing that Jane Austen movie today!"

"Jane Austen! She's my favorite actress!"

"She's a costume designer, stupid!"

Stewie nodded. His plan had definitely worked.

Lois cocked her head. "Are those two all right?"

Quagmire looked to Stewie, who was smiling in such a maniacal way that it was hard NOT to notice it. "Are you okay, Stewie?"

Stewie frowned. Thank you SO MUCH for interrupting my merriment…

Meanwhile, Brian and Cassie had decided to sing something in a very tone-deaf and off-key manner.

"My loneliness is killing me… and I, I must confess, I still believe… still believe!" the two of them half-yelled, half-sang. "When I'm not with you, I lose my mind! Give me a siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiign… hit my baby one more -!"

Brian fell onto the table, unconscious. Cassie fell off of her chair and collapsed on the floor. Everyone was staring at them.

Cleveland and Peter definitely wanted to talk. Seriously, they wanted to ask them if they could take the tape they made of this (via Chris' very handy camcorder) and put it on a Vonage commercial.

Stewie smirked. Yes! The simulated drunkenness potion worked amazingly! I think that this baby can hit the Internet now…

Peter mimicked clearing his throat. Cleveland sighed.

"Should I… should I rub their noses in it?" they asked in unison, unaware of what they did. Joe dropped his fork. Stewie slapped his forehead. Quagmire murmured a noise of dissent.

"What?" Peter asked.

"It was a legitimate question," Cleveland added.

"We don't know the winner of the Silent Game now," Joe cried, banging his head against the table.

"We don't?" Peter repeated.

"Oh… did we say that at the same time?" Cleveland asked.

"Apparently," Peter answered.

"Well, um… this is slightly weird…"

"I'm glad it's over," Meg sighed. Lois nodded.

"But what about the fifty dollars?" Quagmire asked. "Should we just take back our bets? I could really use the ten bucks."

No one asked why.

"Who had the money, anyway?" Bonnie asked before her eyes dilated. "Oh no…!"

"What?" Chris asked.

"I'm… I'm having my baby!"
"FINALLY!" Peter yelled.

"Damn it, Peter, just help her out of her chair!" Stewie shrieked.

"Where do we go?" Quagmire asked, completely unaware of what to do in this situation. "What should we do? What…?"

"Just stay here and make sure that Stewie doesn't do anything!" Lois insisted.

Bonnie looked up. "Just kidding!"

Peter was so shocked he dropped her. "What do you mean, just kidding?"

"LOL!" Chris laughed. He enjoyed the joke.

"About time to end the story, then?" Joe noted.

"Yes, I think so," Meg answered.

Cassie and Brian began to come around.

"Oh Lord, my head…" Cassie murmured. "What…?"

Cassie's memory came flooding back to her, and pretty soon, she had punched Quagmire.

"Pervert!" Cassie yelled at him.

Brian was awake too. "What…?"

Brian's memory soon came back to him, and Brian put a paw over his mouth and turned green. Brian went into the cabinet, took out some Ipecac, and drank it. This forced him to run to the bathroom and vomit.

"Time to end the story, then?" Cassie asked.

"What, we should end it just because you got your revenge on Quagmire, which you were supposed to get on Stewie?" Brian yelled from the bathroom before a retching sound was heard.

"What?" Cassie yelled.

"What?" Quagmire said.

"Okay, this is getting really old," Loretta observed.

"So who won the Silent Game?" Cassie asked.

"Um… nobody," Lois replied.

"Nobody? How is that possible?" Cassie then smiled. "So who gets the money…?"

"Who had the money, anyway?" Loretta asked.

"Hah!" Stewie said in triumph. "I have the money, and I can keep it now that you dullards managed to screw up something as stupid as the Silent Game!"

"Hey, can I take the money?" Quagmire asked Stewie. Stewie didn't answer, knowing perfectly WHY he needed the money.

"About time to end this, wouldn't you say?" Brian noted before he retched into the toilet again. "Because we really don't need a chapter of me barfing."

"See you next week… or something…" Chris sighed. "Hmm. Why would we see them next week?"

"Hah!" Peter said, holding the sixth Harry Potter book up. "I know that the Half-Blood Prince is -!"

Cleveland put a hand over his mouth and held up a simple sign:

The End

"Of course I'll be keeping the money," Stewie said in the background before someone jumped him. And now, I swear - it's really…

The End

A/N: Sorry about the delay. If you want to hear about what the hell happened to me, please go to my front page. I'm having some major issues right now…

A/N 2: If I ever get straightened out, my next Family Guy outing is called Road to Mexico, an odd little story about what happens when Meg and Stewie get kidnapped by a psychotic drug kingpin – and what Brian will do to save them.

DISCLAIMER: I SOOO don't own Family Guy. To the people who were suspicious as to if I work on the show, I do not. Sorry. But I hope to one day.