Aurora Borealis

Post-Epilogue Crack-Cookie

Patrick Zala: Well. That was, like, the suckiest ending evah. Did I get to fire my Beloved and Very Pretty Genesis Destroyer of Worlds or not? And before anyone says anything, no, I'm not going through a midlife crisis and, no, Genesis is not a phallic symbol, no matter what you think you know of Freudian psychology! Even it if were, it's not overcompensating. Really. Besides, why was there no mention of what I did after the war?

Athrun: Cause, since it's explicitly stated that I inherited, you kicked the bucket.

Patrick Zala: What! You bitch!

Kira: Hey, what the hell are you calling him? Athrun's my bitch! You are so lucky I didn't beat the living shit out of you when you assaulted us in the bathroom!

Patrick Zala: As if that experience wasn't traumatic enough as it was! Well, it explains why I didn't use Genesis all the time; after I had to poke my eyes out with a teaspoon it got harder to aim. I mean, if it had at least been Yzak in that shower…

Yzak: What the fuck? That's probably the most disgusting thing I've ever heard! Seriously, I have it in for all the Zalas, but at least Athrun's hot without a shirt on!

Kira, Athrun, Dearka: What!

Yzak: Well, could any of you stand looking at him in that horrid yellow thing?

Kira: I must concede, that's a damn good point. Luckily that's not a problem anymore since I and Athrun are going steady now.

Athrun: Because you love me for my personality and don't care what I look like, right?

Kira: More like "because from now on I will give you careful instructions regarding what you are allowed to wear", actually.

Athrun: Oh. Okay. Still, now that we're here and all – that thing you said about…um…babies… You were only kidding, right?

Kira: Huh? What makes you think that?

Athrun: And who do you imagine is going to carry them?

Kira: Well, I doubt this will be allowed to become MPreg, but for the sake of speculating… in the beginning it seemed clear that I was the uke, but then after your father bitched you around it was hinted that I was actually seme… I'm not sure. I do know for a fact, however, that there exists a scrapped scene in which you prance around on the Archangel dressed in one of those short-skirted pink uniforms.

Yzak: Believe you me, Zala, you will never live this down!

Athrun: Like you're one to talk, or have we forgotten that you waltz around in make-up? And that was after the idea of you going on a date with Dearka dressed up as a girl and running into Nicol and Patrick Zala was scrapped.

Patrick Zala: Now that's the kind of image I'd like to see! Why wasn't I allowed to savor it? Why!

Yzak: Um, because you poked your eyes out with a teaspoon?

Patrick Zala: Oh. Right. Well, you can hardly blame me – what would you have done if you'd walked in on someone in the shower?

Yzak: Er… I mean… that is to say… Change of subject! Now!

Dearka: But Yzak! Are you denying our love?

Yzak: What love?

Dearka: The one you declared for me after Kira saved my ass?

Yzak: We both know it was you who was supposed to say that.

Dearka: Well, yeah, but it sure as hell sounds like it's you. Wait – are you saying you don't love me?

Yzak: You utter bastard! You think I'd've slept with you if I didn't?

Dearka: Speaking from personal experience, well, yeah.

Yzak: You. Will. DIE!

Le Klueze: Ooh, catfight! Now where's my camera?

Patrick Zala: Sell me a copy, will you?

Athrun: Shut up, Dad. Commander, um, how can I say this… What the heck are you doing!

Le Klueze: Aren't you supposed to be the smart one? Can't you tell I'm taping?

Athrun: I've watched too much Destiny lately – sitting around in Gundams containing their own nuclear power plants without any protective suits seems to have robbed both me and Kira of all our higher brain functions. Still, that fortunately didn't happen in this universe, so I apologize and rephrase – why the heck are you doing that?

Le Klueze: Well, being a clone and all I've gone EMO and started doing drugs, and let me tell you, that sweet shit ain't cheap. Fortunately my old pal Dullindal has an addiction of a different kind, and –

Kira: The new prospective Supreme Chairman is an addict?

Yzak: Oh, don't worry, he doesn't drink or anything.

Athrun: Yeah, he just hits on everything that moves. And I do mean everything. Even Haro isn't safe around him. And to think that that filthy sex addict was my first kiss!

Kira, Rey: What. The. HELL!

Kira: Dullindal, you're dead! And who the fuck are you, Blondie?

Rey: One of the Destiny characters. You know, one of the ones who were callously ignored because Aurora went AU already after episode ten. We so need a sequel.

Le Klueze: Hell yeah. Since I'm not dead in this universe (am I?) I don't wanna miss the opportunity to meet up with Dullindal and cash in. I'm sure he'll pay a pretty penny for these nice little footages taped by the spy cameras I had fixed into the showers and bedrooms onboard.

Athrun: Gross. Look, I always did think you were coming on to me, but this is just sick.

Le Klueze: Well, what the hell did you expect? I was practically the only one who didn't get any. Even dear Mu hooked up with some woman. By the way, was he like the only straight guy in the entire Aurora?

Sai: I would mention myself, but not only am I ugly and therefore mostly ignored, there were also all these hints about me and the unnamed Coordinator boy I was gonna be roomies with. And let's face it, was there anyone in Aurora who shared rooms and didn't get involved?

Miriallia: Um… Fllay and I?

Sai: True, but when all's said and done this is a Gundam fanfic, which inevitably means that all female characters are completely detestable and ultimately ignored in favor of hot steamy yaoi. Plus Fllay was my girlfriend, and you're going out with Tolle – you wouldn't have cheated on us, would you?

Miriallia: You think I'd stay faithful to a guy who actually believes that eating butter will make you a Coordinator?

Tolle: Butter nice. Me like butter. Oh, what the hell, I'm turned into some kind of complete idiot in this damn 'fic! Plus the whole butter thingy wasn't even the author's own idea but one provided and demanded by her little brother! I feel so humiliated! And anyway, Sai, why are you surprised? Not like Fllay didn't cheat on you in the actual canon.

Sai: Fortunately this is Aurora, so, no she didn't and don't talk that way about my girlfriend, bitch boy.

Fllay: Neither of you has the right to complain! At least the lot of you is alive!

Sai: Difference is that no one misses you.

Fllay: Like your demise would be such a tragic loss either.

Sai: Well, to me it would!

Cagalli: Speak for yourselves, bastards! I wasn't even in the freaking 'fic!

Athrun: Honestly, not like anyone missed you. And you should probably be happy that the author could restrain herself; given that she hates you enough to actually start writing a very crappy, very OOC 'fic in which I kill you just to get it out of her system, you'd probably have ended up married to Yuna for real. And anyway, I spent all of Destiny mindlessly mooning over Kira – how great a boyfriend could I have been?

Yuna: Cagalli! My HONEY! No, wait, dammit, I'm gay! It was one thing in canon, where all of us strutted around being blatantly queer yet having sort-of-maybe-kinda-almost-girlfriends, but this is Aurora: I can finally be up-front about my sexuality!

Dearka: Dude, this is a Gundam thing – we're all gay.

Miriallia: Pity, that. I figured the two of us might go out for a while, otherwise. Come on, we're young and hot, or at least you're hot, and we went through some traumatic events together – it'd be a blast.

Dearka: True, having you cry on me was fairly traumatic.

Miriallia: Well, honestly, it's not like you and Yzak are mellow enough to stay a couple without frequent fights and temporary break-ups. Actually living together is hard, and you screwed things up already before the mundane routine set in!

Dearka: Yeah, well, we screwed them right again!

Kira: Plus, Mirri, are you sure you wanna get treated to an endless row of replies along the lines of, "What do you mean, you don't like your coffee like this? Yzak always takes his like this," "What do you mean, you don't like this food? It's Yzak's favorite," "What do you mean, taking advantage of you? When Yzak does that that always means do me or die," "What do you mean, running away from your emotions? When Yzak does that it always means run for your life"?

Miriallia: Depends on the sex, I guess.

Kira: Fancy being called "Yzak", do you?

Miriallia: It beats "oh shiny blob of butter".

Nicol: Oh, stop it, just stop it! Really, what have any of you got to complain about? I'm the one who began by spending more than half the story mooning pathetically over the oblivious Athrun, and I mean pathetically – we're horny teenagers practically living together and he was desperate enough to make out with Dullindal; why couldn't I take advantage of this? So, like, the farthest I ever got was sniffing his shirt and literally throwing myself at him without him even batting an eyelash. Then, when I finally get myself a nice piece of girlie ass, what happens? Yes Sir, off she goes and gets engaged to Dullindal! Just my luck!

Lacus: Well, I had to do something now that I couldn't go vigilante. There was just no way that would ever happen in Aurora, what with Le Klueze never explicitly going crazy and Kira and Athrun cooped up all cozily in ZAFT. The only one who would conceivably have followed me was Nicol, and hey, we all know it just ain't Gundam Seed if he doesn't get his ass thoroughly kicked.

Dullindal: Admittedly I'm less than interested in getting married to Lacus, but teaming up with her would make the two of us rulers of the universe in, like, five seconds flat. She has total control over Kira, who has total control over Athrun, who rules Lunamaria and her fat but vaguely cute sister, whereas I control Rey, who genially manipulates Shinn, who –

Shinn: Aside from the fact that Kira doesn't follow Lacus in the Aurora-verse, are you implying that my thoughts are not my own?

Yzak: Hey, it's starting to smell like fire, what's going on?

Rey: Oh, not to worry, it's just Shinn trying to think independently again. Shinn, knock it off, we've talked about this, remember!

Shinn: Yes, Rey. Of course, Rey. Whatever you say, Rey.

Athrun: Please tell me he's being sarcastic.

Rey: Sure I will. I am a highly accomplished liar, after all.

Shinn: But hey, I'm pretty sure I'm not gay. Hey, Rey, am I gay?

Dullindal: Oh, we'll just have Rey tell you to come over here and I'll find right out.

Rey: Dream on, dude. Shinn, you are absolutely, utterly, definitely straight, got it? Heh, you've got a sister complex from hell, so no surprise there.

Shinn: Now wait a damn minute here – this is a freaking AU by now. There's nothing to say that my family got brutally slain in this universe!

Rey: Yes, there is: it's the wonderful thing called the Fangirl Love of Angsty Bishounen. Now, Gil, why don't we go home and you can give me a reason why I shouldn't tell Shinn to kill you for your implied adultery?

Talia: And people wonder why I left the guy. I mean, he's hot and all that, and rich too, so I could easily die with him, but hell if I could stand living with him.

Yzak: Who cares? I feel ignored. I feel that I need a sequel to clear up all this uncertain stuff.

Dearka: I feel I need a sequel to provide us with some more quality time together.

Yzak: Idiot! That's what I said!

Kira: Then let's properly thank everyone who has kindly offered encouragement and thus prompted sometimes much-needed bursts of actual writing instead of just abstract musings. It has been great to know that Aurora has been an enjoyable experience to more people than us and the author.

Athrun: Special gratitude must be directed to Nikki, who kindly offered to proof-read before our author realized she has all kinds of hang-ups about anyone else tinkering with her texts, which means we'll have to wait until she beta-reads it herself.

Patrick Zala: In conclusion, thank you all so much, and please make sure that there's a sequel in which it is once and for all clarified that Genesis is not an overcompensating penis symbol!

Yzak: …He's your father.

Athrun: Unfortunately, yes. There, there, Dad. Let's go home and put you in that nice straight jacket we got you.