Daily Prophet My Ass!
Harry had entered the great hall to be greeted in the worst way possible. All eyes, of students, professors, and Mrs. Norris, were looking directly at him. All was quiet. The Slytherins were smirking, the Griffindors looked sympathetic, and the professors looked concerned, as if they were waiting for him to explode at any moment. Harry considered turning around and going back to bed, but decided he had better figure out what was going on.
He took his usual seat near a very annoyed looking Ron, and looked across the table to see Hermione seething mad. Instead of yelling as he expected she would, she just tossed a copy of the Daily Prophet at him. 'Oh, so that's it… what now!' he thought pathetically.
Boy-Who-Lived may Fancy Boys
In reviewing recent events in Harry Potter's love life, we have good reason to believe that he indeed fancies blokes! He has profusely denied his involvement with the his elledgedly former girlfriend Hermione Granger, and supported this fact by spending more time with his best friend, Ronald Weasley… or perhaps more than best friend? In an interview with Parvati Patil, we have learned that he was thoroughly uninterested in her during the Yule ball that had taken place at Hogwarts two years prior. "He spent all his time with Ron. He completely ignored me!" said Parvati, who had been his date for the evening. As we all know, his relationship with Cho Chang had ended in failure. "He didn't pay any attention to me. He just seemed, uninterested," reported Chang. Sorry ladies, but it seems that we will no longer be reporting anything on Harry Potter's girlfriends…but maybe a boyfriend in the near future!
By: Rita Skeeter
Harry was shocked. He was expecting something along the lines of Harry Potter Lost his Marbles or at least Boy Who Lived Sneezes! Is this an omen of Death? But this! This was insane… almost funny. 'In fact… this is funny! But everyone looks so serious. Fine, I'm going to have fun with this. I don't care anymore! The Daily Prophet my ass!'
Harry gave a very dramatic "humph!" and rolled up the prophet into a scroll. He swung his leg around the side of the bench and turned toward the Slytherin table. Draco Malfoy was looking at the Prophet, laughing, and did not expect to get pelted with a rolled up newspaper on the back on head… repeatedly. Harry was hitting him over the head, yelling in a slightly girly voice between hits.
"You Bitch! I can't believe you told! I'm never going to speak to you again!"
He stopped hitting him and tried not to bust out laughing at Draco's absolutely dumbstruck face. Harry whipped his head around sharply and turned on his heal.
"Oh! We are sooo over!"
He walked out of the great hall quickly, swinging his hips and flipping his hair.
When the doors swung shut, Ron was the first to fall to the ground, laughing breathlessly. The entire hall followed shortly. Dumbledore looked about ready to have a stroke. Snape looked horrified. Hagrid had broken the table in half when he slammed his fist onto it. The laughter was so loud in the hall, even from the Slytherins, that no one heard poor Draco yelling, "I'm not! We aren't! He's lying! Stop laughing! I'm not his bitch! I'm not!"