Buffy, The Vampire Slayer

The Unfortunate Don

By S. T. Farnham

Disclaimer: I've borrowed Joss Whedon's characters and his universe for my own nefarious purposes. It's not my fault; blame my personal muse. I promise though, that everything and everyone will go right back where I found them, totally unharmed and ready for a new episode by Joss! Or not.

Category: Adventure/Drama

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: None

Authors Notes: This takes place in Season 7, but there may be some minor and possibly a few major displacements of plot points. To be safe, we can call this an alternate Buffy-verse, but it's not radically different. However, there is absolutely no Spuffiness of any kind.


Officer Roberta Bianchi was riding shotgun with Officer Dickhead. Well, that's how she thought of him anyway. They were patrolling north of Restfield cemetery on the night shift while Officer Dick Fogel continued babbling on about something or other, Bianchi didn't give a damn anymore and was hardly paying attention.

"Look, you see when ya got yer government spooks wanderin' aroun' in out-of-the-way places like Area 55, then ya know somethins' goin' down, ya know? Huh, ya know, right, I'm not jest blowin it' outta my ass, ya know, its one of them things, where everybody has to keep quiet or they get kilt, ya know? Ya know?"

Bianchi finally had to say something, it was either that or shoot him, "You know, its Area 51, not 55."

"Huh? No it ain't, I'm sure it's 55, just like the speed limit. I member it from that..."

Bianchi glanced out the windshield and wondered if she was seeing something at the limits of the headlights tunneling though the night. Then the object resolved into a human form and she screamed, "WATCH OUT!"

Fogel looked up and saw someone standing in the road, he slammed on the brakes but it was way too late. They hit with a sickening crunch, the unfortunate person bounced up off the bumper and crashed against the windshield, which instantly cracked into thousands of connected pieces. Then, as the car slid to a stop, the body slid down the hood and plopped onto the road – gruesomely lit by the lights of their Crown Victoria police special.

There was sudden intense silence, broken only by the crackling sounds of the engine cooling down. The two cops looked at each other with "Oh shit, we're in for it now looks" and slowly opened their doors and stepped out into the street. Fogel walked around to the front and bent down to look closer. He said with a quavery voice, "Hey fella, you OK?"

Much to Fogel and Bianchi's surprise, what they were already thinking of as the deceased' suddenly sat up and turned towards Fogel. Fogel was frozen in fear as he focused on the fangs and overhanging eyebrows. There was a low growl and snarling sounds as the vampire grabbed Fogel's neck and bit into his jugular vein.

The disgusting slurping sounds on top of the hideous growling shook Bianchi out of her funk, she grabbed her service automatic and started firing, taking enough time between shots to carefully place each bullet into the most vulnerable and lethal places possible. The perp twitched and bounced away a few feet. Then he got up again. This is impossible, somebody wake me up, Bobbie Bianchi thought.

As the creature stepped slowly and inexorably towards her, she had the presence of mind to whip out her nightstick – she whacked him across the face as hard as she could, once, twice, thrice, but he just kept coming. He knocked the nightstick out of her hands, grabbed her and embraced her in a way that might have been romantic, if it hadn't been for the blood dripping off his fangs and lips.

WHAM! Suddenly, the vampire was slammed away from Bianchi and went flying away from the front of the car. Bianchi could hardly credit her eyes when she saw what looked like a hundred pound cheerleader kicking the crap out of the monster that had laughed off her bullets. And then, seconds later, it was over, without warning the bloodsucker turned to dust, a little explosion right in front of the girl, who was at a full fencer's extension, right arm thrust forward with a wooden stake held as if it were a short sword, her left foot back, right leg bent at the knee. Then she straightened up and walked up to the officer, casually twirling her stake as she walked.

"Hey, you guys all right?" asked Buffy.

"Hell no," said Bianchi, as she leaned shakily against the front of the car.

Buffy checked out Fogel and said, "Your partner still has a pulse, but he's lost a lot of blood. Um, did you call this in? Can you take care of it now, cause I'm supposed to meet some friends and I'm late and they're gonna be worried about me if I don't get going."

"Uh, yeah, I can take care of things now. Look, I need you to give a statement."

"No," said Buffy, "you can take the credit, I'll be seeing you."

"Wait, what's your name...?" But Buffy was already gone.

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