I WILL BE GONE FOR 10 DAYS STARTING LATER TODAY! AND BY THE WAY, REVIEW! CHAPTER 2 WILL COME OUT SOON!


The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap

Chapter 1: To Stone With You

Many, many years ago (Lots and lots of years, by the way), darkness descended upon the land. When all hope seemed lost, the hero of men arrived. The Picori people gave him some golden light thing and a really nice sword, and he kicked ass. Ah, yes...there was lots of ass kicking. Anyway, the hero drove out the darkness. The people enshrined his sword, known as the Picori Sword; with care. Though the Picori themselves have passed into legend, there is still a festival in their honor. The legend also says that they meet with the humans every 100 years or whatever.

And so, our story begins...


A young girl strode across a field, making her way to a small wooden house -- her destination. She entered and was greeted by the sound of metal against metal.

"Master Smith, I'm here to take Link...MASTER SMITH!" she shouted at an old man doing blacksmith work.

The man looked at her and said, "OH! PRINCESS ZELDA! WHAT A SURPRISE! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?"

"I'M HERE TO TAKE LINK TO THE PICORI FESTIVAL. IS THAT OK?"

"WHAT?"

"I ASKED IF IT WAS OK TO BRING LINK TO THE PICORI FESTIVAL!"

"WHAT?" Master Smith yelled over the noise.

"I...ASKED...IF...IT...WAS...OK...TO...BRING...LINK...TO...THE...PICORI...FESTIVAL!" Princess Zelda shouted.

"WHAT?"

Rolling her eyes, Princess Zelda jerked the hammer out of Master Smith's hands.

"Hey, what did you do that for?" Master Smith asked.

"I did it so you could hear me!"

"Oh. Well, what do you want, Princess Zelda?"

"Is it ok if I bring Link to the Picori Festival?"

"Sure, I don't want that little shit here anyway. Let me wake him up; he's sleeping because he was up all night looking at porn. LINK! WAKE UP! NOW, DAMMIT!" Master Smith called.

Meanwhile, in other room of the house, a young boy with messy blonde hair slowly opened his eyes. Getting out of bed, he stumbled to the room where his grandfather, Master Smith, and Princess Zelda were.

"Boy, Princess Zelda is here," Master Smith said upon his arrival.

"Gee. I didn't know that," Link replied, rolling his eyes. "I mean, she was standing right here when I came in."

"Shut up, boy. While you're out, deliver this sword to Minister Potho or something like that. It's for the winner of the Picori Sword Tournament, and it's called the Smith's Sword. Now get out of here. SCRAM, YOU TWO!" Master Smith said, handing Link the sword before shoving the princess and his grandson out the door.

"Sorry, Zelda. He's an asshole," Link said, examing the blade he was given.

"Yeah, I know. Well, anyway...let's go, hee hee!" Zelda told Link, running up ahead.


After walking for a little while, the two friends finally reached Hyrule Castle Town where a grand festival was taking place.

"OOH! OOH! LOOK AT THAT!" Zelda shrieked, running to a stand where they were selling condoms.

Link looked at the condoms and then at Zelda. He figured she probably didn't even know what condoms were.

You see, folks, Link knew how naive Zelda was, and that fact really bothered him. He was horny for her, and no matter how many times he tried to get her to have sex with him, she just never got the message...

"LOOK AT THAT!" Zelda said, running to a stand that was selling sex dolls. After examining what she thought were regular dolls for a little while, Zelda ran off to yet another stand. Link followed grudgingly.

This stand, however, was different. The man running it rang a bell when Zelda ran up to him.

"Princess Zelda, you have just won the raffle!" he said. "You get to pick one of three prizes."

The man held up the first prize.

"Here we have a pretty jewel and -- oh, screw it, take the teeny-tiny shield, the game says you're supposed to pick this one anyway," he grumbled, shoving a shield into Zelda's hands.

"Wow! Neato! Here, Link, you can have it to defend me with! Tee hee!" Zelda giggled, giving the gay looking shield to Link. "Come on, try it out!"

Link stared at it.

"But I don't want to try it out," he said.

"Oh, come on, for me?" Zelda pleaded.

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

Zelda made a puppy face.

"PLEEEAAASE?"

"OH, ALRIGHT, FINE!" Link snapped, raising the shield and quickly putting it down again. "THERE, HAPPY?"

"Yes. Ok, Link, we better head to the castle. We have to get ready for the winner of the sword tournament. It'll be cool, because the winner of the tournament gets the right to touch the sacred Picori Blade!"

"Oh, whoop-dee-do. The winner gets to poke the Picori Blade. How special."

"I know, it's wonderful!"

Link said nothing. He just began to walk to Hyrule Castle, Zelda at his side.

After a little while, the two were almost at the castle when a Business Scrub attacked! It fired a nut that hit Zelda.

"Ow! Link, save me! Use your teeny-tiny shield!" Zelda squeeled.

Not planning to use that dinky piece of wood again, Link just walked up to the scrub and stepped on it. It died.

"There you go, princess. It's dead," Link said dully, walking onward to the castle.

At last, the friends entered Hyrule Castle's garden.

"Link, I have to go get ready. I'll see you during the award ceremony!" Zelda said, heading into the castle.

Link felt relief wash over him when she left. If only they would have sex... That would make things SO much easier.

After searching around, Link found Minister Potho and handed him the sword.

"Ah, yes. The sword that is to be given to the winner of the sword tournament. Thank you, Link," Potho said.

"Shut up," Link replied.


A little while later, Zelda and the King of Hyrule walked into the garden, followed by guards carrying the chest containing the sacred Picori Blade. Link and Potho watched their arrival.

After setting the chest down, one of the guards said, "Vaati, winner of the sword tournament, you may approach the Picori Blade!"

The tournament's victor approached. He was a dude wearing a dark blueish tunic with a matching cape and hat. His pants were poofy-ish and red, and he wore red sandals. Vaati had long, pale hair and bright red eyes. His skin was a shade of grayish blue.

I mean, DAMN, people, for one, anyone who looked at him could tell he was evil, and two, anyone might mistake him for a woman.

Link gasped. "THE WINNER OF THE SWORD TOURNAMENT IS A GIRL?"

"HEY! I am NOT a girl!" Vaati snapped.

"IT'S A BOY?" Link bellowed.

"Yes, I'm a boy!" Vaati replied.

"Sure you are..." Potho muttered.

Everyone else started whispering to eachother.

"SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU!" Vaati said.

Everyone grew silent.

"Aha! This chest must contain that which I seek! I will relieve you of it's contents now," he said.

"What the! You can only TOUCH the Picori Blade, you dumbfuck!" the King of Hyrule shouted.

The guards began to attack Vaati seeing as he was up to no good, but Vaati easily tossed them aside. Using dark magic, he opened the chest and broke the Picori Blade! Suddenly, a stream of monsters flew from the chest!

Light began to appear around Zelda. She stepped forward to Vaati.

"Why are you doing this, Vaati? Why!"

Vaati examined the light surrounding Princess Zelda.

"Hm...so it seems the Light Force still flows in the veins of the woman in the Hyrule royal family... This could create a problem for me later on. This will not do, so...to stone with you, Princess Zelda!"

Vaati lifted his hands to the sky and a black orb appeared; he fired it at Zelda. She screamed and turned into stone!

Link watched with wide eyes before turning to look at Vaati again.

"YOU STUPID GIRL! WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR!"

"FOOLISH BOY! I AM A MALE!" Vaati cast an energy ball at Link, knocking him unconcious. He then walked over to the chest and looked inside.

"That which I seek is not here! This cannot be! But no matter...I can wait..." he said, walking away...

Thanks to Vaati, monsters now ran wild across all of Hyrule. Princess Zelda had become a rock, and the Picori Blade was broken.

What did he even want?