Disclaimer: The only one that I own is Little Miss Therapist, Soujuku Chiyuu. If I owned Bleach, Gin would actually OPEN HIS EYES.
There were certain things that Hitsugaya Toushirou preferred not to ever perform in his life. Among that list were getting fashion advice from Byakuya (the man wore CURLERS in his hair, for crying out loud), babysitting Yachiru (he'd witnessed what she'd done to Ikkaku's head when she was hungry), and worshipping Aizen (which was something he'd never do in the first place). And then there was this...
"Yumi-chan, gimme back the mirror! I'm doing this for your own good, you know!"
"No! What if one of my eyebrows gets ruffled the wrong way? What if that ugly ryoka throws another firework at me? HOW CAN I ADMIRE MY BEAUTY WITHOUT IT?"
"That's the point, you narcissistic idiot! Now hand over the mirror!"
"If you were ugly, I'd hurt you in so many painful ways!"
An exasperated sigh. "Lucky me. Oh, look! A beautiful person!"
"HA! The mirror's mine!"
"Give it BACK!" CRASHTHUDBANGBAMBAMTHUNK.
Ah, yes. Hitsugaya heard the screaming ringing out from behind the sliding door and inwardly quailed. He didn't want to go in there. There was nothing wrong with him. Why did he even NEED to see a therapist, anyway? Because Unohana had recommended it, and his own Vice-Captain had wholeheartedly agreed? Bah!
Steeling himself, the white-haired Captain slid the door open--and was greeted by a very unusual sight.
Ayasegawa Yumichika, 5th seat of the 11th Division, was grappling with a short female shinigami...over a small hand mirror.
Shocked and completely bemused, Hitsugaya blurted out the one question that had been haunting him ever since he'd first caught the sounds of their ridiculous argument.
"What the hell is going on here?"
Almost guiltily, the two of them looked up and simultaneously released each other.
"Gimme a second," the girl said, tugging impatiently on her rumpled robes. She wasn't that remarkable to look at...just your average brown-eyed therapist with her long black hair pulled into a high ponytail and secured with a large, floppy red ribbon. A pair of black-rimmed glasses perched jauntily on her head and not on the bridge of her nose, where they ought to have been. She certainly wasn't as busty as Matsumoto or as cute as Hinamori--wait. Hitsugaya dismissed that thought as suddenly as it had arrived. There was no reason to think like that at ALL.
Yumichika (minus one hand-mirror and most of his pride) hurriedly excused himself and fled and the other finally finished her minor clothing adjustments, sweeping a strand of hair behind one ear with a careless hand.
"Don't mind him. He was sent here because he's too full of himself and I forbade him from looking at himself in any mirrors for a week. He didn't like that." She chuckled and stepped aside, allowing him to enter. "I was wondering when you'd get here, Hitsu-chan."
He growled at the nickname as he walked into the small room and closed the door behind him. Why was it that no one ever took him seriously? "I'm a captain, you know. Show some respect."
"Ah, right." She coughed into her hand. "My humblest apologies, Captain Hitsu-chan." Before he could open his mouth for a fitting retort, she hurriedly continued. "I'm Soujuku Chiyuu, 6th seat of the 4th Division and therapist to all in Soul Society. Or...the Gotei 13, anyway. Please, have a seat."
Hitsugaya stiffly sat down in one of the chairs facing a cluttered desk and watched as Chiyuu scurried about what seemed to be her office, stacking strewn pieces of paper and rummaging through drawers for a file. Having found what she was looking for, she triumphantly drew it out and flipped it open, scanning over its contents quickly.
"Hitsugaya Toushirou, Captain of the 10th Division. Demonstrated violent and reckless behavior towards Kira Izuru and other members of various squads and Divisions. Prone to twitching upon hearing mentions of Aizen Sousuke and Ichimaru Gin." The therapist sat back in her own chair and regarded him with a solemn gaze. "I'd heard talk about this, actually. The 4th Division has been quite busy tending to everyone that you've sent to the infirmary."
Hitsugaya remained silent and returned her gaze with a chilly glare. He didn't have to say anything if he didn't feel like it...and right now, he really didn't feel like it at all.
Undeterred, Chiyuu went on blithely. "Actually, the funny thing is that each and every one of those poor men told me that you'd declared that you would kill them for hurting Hinamori Momo."
The boy froze, but willed his eyes not to widen and his breathing not to quicken. Surely she wouldn't just jump to conclusions and--
"Hm. It seems to me like Hina-chan is pretty important to you, right, Hitsu-chan?"
"In fact, she's so important that you're expressing your feelings for her in the only way that you know how to. However, beating Izuru-kun to a pulp isn't really the proper way to court a lady."
Hitsugaya flinched. "Who said I was courting Hinamori? She's been through enough crap and that bastard hurt her even more!"
Chiyuu rolled her eyes, tilting her head back. "He gave her an apology letter and she got a paper cut. That's hardly a reason to jump him and beat him senseless."
He had to pause and think carefully before refuting her logic. "...He was the one who stalled me...long enough for Hinamori to get stabbed! How do we know that he's not still devoted to Gin--"
The therapist let him go no further. "Izuru-kun cares for Hina-chan and he was tricked into believing that no harm would befall her. That's done with. What we're dealing with now is your habit of promising death to anyone who so much as glares at Hina-chan. But we'll work on that tomorrow." She flicked a hand at him and yawned widely, stretching her arms above her head and dislodging her glasses in the process. "I'm going to take a nap."
Hitsugaya left the office, vowing NEVER to return again.
"Welcome back, Hitsu-chan!" Chiyuu greeted him brightly as she waved good-bye to Hanatarou (who bore several brightly-colored stickers, all of which proclaimed "I am someone special and important"). "Today, we're going to go through some scenarios, okay?"
Hitsugaya made a mental note to learn how to run faster than Matsumoto as he grudgingly took his seat. If she couldn't catch him than she couldn't drag him back to this hellhole.
"Okay! So, let's say that Gin pushes Hina-chan down the stairs. What would you do?"
That was easy. "I'd kill him."
"Uh...Hitsu-chan...try to keep the word 'kill' out of your vocabulary, okay? Suppose Gin jokingly said he'd hurt Hina-chan?"
This time, Hitsugaya's hesitation was only marginal. "I'd castrate him, maim him, and cause him excruciating pain before he...perished."
"...Well, it's a start."
Mental note to self. Learn how to evade Matsumoto and that drunken bastard Kyouraku... How was he supposed to know that Shunsui came to see the therapist too? Life was not fair. Not fair at all.
"All right," Chiyuu began. "Izuru-kun flirts with Hina-chan. What do you do?"
Hitsugaya sighed. "Nothing."
"Because...?" She prompted.
"Because it's not my business to interfere with her love life," he mumbled under his breath, looking as if he had just swallowed the world's largest lemon.
"And suppose a messenger hands her a notice and she gets a paper cut?"
The sigh was repeated and the answer dully recited. "I don't beat him down because it's not his fault that the paper cut her finger."
"Good!" Chiyuu said approvingly. "And what if Gin--"
"I'd kill him."
"WHAT? And don't call me that."
Sigh. "Let's go over those relaxing breathing exercises..."
"Nanao-san, Shun-kun only calls you Nanao-chan because he cares for you. It's a term of endearment and he swears he's not doing it to make you angry. Now I'll see you next week." Chiyuu cheerily ushered the Vice-Captain of the 8th Division out of her office and readied herself for her next patient.
"I'm here," Hitsugaya announced unenthusiastically as he stepped inside.
"Yes, you are," she agreed calmly, and she handed him a couple of plushies that (creepily enough) resembled Hinamori, himself, Kira, Gin, and Aizen. "Your exercise for today is to play out a scene in which you protect Hina-chan without killing Gin or Aizen."
This woman was impossible. But Hitsugaya, seeing as he didn't really have a choice, settled down and began arranging the dolls, cursing whatever cruel twist of fate had led him to this.
Two Minutes Later...
"...That's an interesting position that you have Gin in."
"I see. And...why is the Aizen doll missing his head?"
"He's dead too. I killed him with Hyourinmaru." The Kira doll was sprawled face-down on the floor, kept there by the Hitsugaya doll's foot.
Exasperated, Chiyuu propped her hands on her hips. "Wasn't the goal of this exercise NOT to kill either of those two?"
He resisted the urge to smirk. "It was too hard not to."
The hands now went up in the air. "Why? WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME? WHY DO YOU INSIST ON THIS POINTLESS BLOODSHED?"
"Because anyone who makes Hinamori bleed should die."
"BECAUSE IT'S WRONG." It's Hinamori and it's Bedwetter Momo and she should never have to suffer! was what he wanted to yell...but he didn't.
"You..." Trembling with fury, Chiyuu glared at him and snatched up the headless Aizen doll, shaking it like a rattle. "For the sake of everyone who lives here and before we all fall victim to you and your bloody revenge ideas, will you just TELL HINAMORI MOMO THAT YOU FRICKIN' LIKE HER, YOU STUBBORN LITTLE COTTON BALL OF A CAPTAIN?"
For once, Hitsugaya was too stunned to be annoyed at the "cotton ball" jibe. "Ah--"
"Go." Chiyuu pointed to the door, the Aizen body now just a pile of shredded rags and leaking cotton in her twitching grip. "Just...go."
The boy left and the therapist wearily collapsed in her chair, plunking her head on the desk. It was only when she heard the door slide shut and his footsteps receding into the distance that she allowed herself a smug grin.
"Sorry, buddy," she told the mutilated plushie, tossing it on the floor. "But you really did deserve that."
Hitsugaya didn't show up in her office that day. But then again, she didn't expect him to. She'd talked to Kira earlier, who had accidentally collided with Hinamori on their way to a meeting, which had resulted in a scraped, somewhat bloody knee.
"And Captain Hitsugaya didn't try to kill me!" Kira raved ecstatically to a sleepy-eyed Chiyuu. "He just punched me so hard that I got a bruise on my arm, and he glared, but that was it! He's been cured!"
As cured as someone like him CAN be, the therapist mused, leaning against the doorframe and watching Hitsugaya Toushirou and Hinamori Momo walk past, talking quietly. The latter seemed happier now and was even smiling, the first one Chiyuu had seen since she'd awoken from her Aizen-induced sleep. And Hitsugaya...was slightly red in the face.
Well, I guess the boy genius has some things to learn as well, just like the rest of us... Chiyuu was snapped from her ponderings when the jingle of bells alerted her to her next patient.
"Kenpachi-kun, how nice to see you! How's your week been?"
Zaraki Kenpachi sulked--a very strange sight. "It's been a week and I haven't stabbed or killed or even crippled anything. Are you happy now?"
"Very happy," she assured him, beaming up at the tall captain. "And now it's time for scenarios! Suppose you came across a cute little bunny in the forest..."
Ikkaku and Yumichika felt incredibly sorry for their captain.
Well, there you go. Random plot bunny attack so I used it, nothing more than that. Thanks in advance to anyone who reviews and...yes, the Aizen plushie...it lived so briefly. Ah, well.