Warning, This story contains spoilers to HBP, reader beware!
Harry Potter & the Caer Azkaban Parody
That morning, Harry Potter was sitting at his breakfast table on his terrace looking out towards the ocean deep in thought. He would look to be at peace with the world if it weren't for several glaring facts about his surroundings, the largest being that he was on the terrace of his private rooms in the palace of the Lord of Caer Azkaban.
Harry turned to look at the small house elf that had popped in wearing a little pink dress with little yellow flowers embroidered on the hem.
"Hello," he said to her. "I don't think I know you, do I?"
"Not exactly Master Harry. My name is Eppy and I's is being your house elf from another story. I just popped into this one to see how things is being with you here. Eppy was wanting to be getting ideas for the other story, so's I can punish your enemies much better."
Harry smiled at her. He had no idea what she was talking about of course, but she seemed truly interested in his happiness and well being. He had almost forgotten what that felt like.
"So what can I do to help you to help me in this other story?"
"Well," Eppy said looking around at the lush and extravagant surroundings of the Palace of Azkaban. "I was thinking that you's was a prisoner here at Azkaban like you's is in my story, but you's is having a much nicer cell here then there."
Harry smiled again. In fact he almost laughed. Almost.
"Yes, I am a prisoner of Azkaban, but in a much different manner. You see Eppy, I am the lord of Caer Azkaban, the Druid Islands and two small magical islands in the Bahamas."
Eppy's eyes went wide, "Oh, Master Harry that is being very impressive."
"Yeah, I guess it is."
Eppy saw the look of a masked frown on his face. This version of her beloved master was different from the one that she knew from her own story. They both were in pain, but it was different.
"Master Harry, would you please tell me how you's came to be the lord of Azkaban?"
Harry gave her a half smile and asked, "Are you sure you have time, it is a long story."
"Oh, Eppy is having all the time in the world. Until reviews get to a certain number Mistress Fangalla Marie would be posting a new chapter for a while, so I's is having plenty of time to listen to you's."
"It is not being important Master Harry," Eppy said happily and taking a seat at the table with Harry so that she would comfortable while listening to his tale.
This was turning into the oddest morning Harry had in years, not to mention he was spending it with the oddest house elf he had ever met, Dobby included. 'Dobby,' Harry thought to himself. Harry missed the little elf very much; he was one of the best friends he had ever had.
Sighing, Harry sits back in his chair and begins to tell his tale to the elf.
"Well you see it all truly began one morning around Halloween of my seventh year at Hogwarts," Harry began. "Um, you do know what Hogwarts is don't you?"
"Oh yes, Master Harry," squeaked Eppy happily as she sipped her tea. "I's is knowing all about that place I's is."
"Right," Harry said while looking oddly at her. She really was a strange little creature. "Anyway, I wasn't originally planning on returning to the school after Professor Dumbledore had been murdered by …" Harry had a disgusted look on his face as he finished, "…Snape."
"What?" yelped the elf in shock.
"Didn't you know?" asked the Lord of Caer Azkaban, the Druid Islands and two small magical islands in the Bahamas.
"No Master Harry, Dumbledore is being very much alive in the other story."
"I see," Harry muttered enviously. "Anyway, as I was saying, I wasn't planning on returning to the castle at all, but rather begin my hunt for the four remaining Horcruxes that I needed to destroy in order to defeat Voldemort once and for all. However, I mistakenly accepted an invitation from the Weasley family to visit their home, the Burrow, for my birthday dinner. I just couldn't say no to Mrs. Weasley, she had been like a mother to me since the day I met her and it meant so much for us all to be there together with the war underway."
Harry grew silent for a moment as he relived the memories from the tale he was telling.
"Master Harry? What is being a Hor… a Horcru… that thing you mentioned?"
"You mean you don't know?" asked Harry. "I thought you said you were my elf in this other story."
"Oh Eppy is being your bestest elf Master Harry. Much better than that Kreacher, I's is! But you's is not buying your Eppy until after you's is blowing that evil wizard away like Dirty Harry with his metal wand."
"Dirty Harry?" asked a grinning Harry. Whether he liked it or not, he was really starting to like this crazy little elf. "How do you know about a character from a Muggle movie?"
"Oh Eppy is knowing lots and lots of things, but you's was saying."
Smiling, he continued, "Well, a horcrux can be anything really. What it does is it becoming a vessel to contain a portion of a soul of a witch or wizard after it has been ripped away from the main part of the soul. In order to rip away a portion of your soul, you must commit murder. Then after your soul has been ripped, a wizard can transfer it into another object, usually something that no one would suspect and keep it hidden. In doing this, it prevents the witch or wizard from dying, effectively making them immortal. Which of course was Voldemort's main goal in life, not to ever die."
Eppy was furiously writing this all down in her Hello Kitty diary and muttering, "This is being way too complicated."
"You have no idea."
"You's was saying you's is going to the Weasley's for you's birthday, Master Harry."
"Yes, yes, I did. It was my seventeenth birthday and I had finally been allowed to move away from those dreadful Muggles that I lived with my entire life and was planning on taking my apparition test the next day. I was going to take it that day, but the Ministry was giving the test again until the first of August, which was the day after my birthday and Mrs. Weasley really wanted me to be with them to celebrate." Harry then drew breath and took a sip from his tea cup. "What I didn't know was that she was planning on ambushing me."
"Ambushing you's?" Eppy said with anger in her voice as she jumped out of her chair. "Don't you be worrying Master Harry, I's is getting my whip and I's is punishing her for you!"
"Whip? You have a whip?"
"Yes, Eppy is having a whip."
"That won't be necessary."
"Uh… Eh… Fine!" Eppy said with a pout and climbed back into her chair and continued to listen.
"As I was saying, all the Weasleys were there, including my best friend, Hermione and several of the members of the Order of the Phoenix. At first I didn't think anything about it as I thought they were there to wish me a happy birthday. It wasn't until we were having our pudding that I realized what it was really all about. They had decided that they needed to convince me to return to Hogwarts to finish my seventh year. Of course, they had no idea about my mission to find and destroy all of the Horcruxes nor did they know how it would affect the outcome of the war. They had it in their minds and hearts to see me finish school and have the tools to have a good life."
Harry paused again to sip his tea. "As annoying as it was at the time, I think that may have been the nicest thing any group of people could have done for me."
"Why is that?"
Smiling Harry answered, "I probably would have gotten myself killed otherwise."
"So they talked me into it and the next day I went to the Ministry for my apparition license. Of course that should have been easy enough if it weren't for the recently elected Minister of Magic, Rufus Scrimgeour. What a dick!"
"Who? Eppy was thinking fat stupid Fudge is being the Minister of Magic."
"Oh, he was, but once news got out that he had withheld vital information about Voldemort's return for almost an entire year, people weren't too keen on him remaining in the top spot."
Harry laughed at the memory. "You know I think poor deluded Fudge actually thought he could stay in office and ignore the whole thing like it wasn't really there. Made my life hell in the process, though."
Smiling wickedly, "Is's can be punishing him then."
"Can't, he's already dead."
"Eppy is thinking this reality is being sucking. I's is having no one to be punishing for you."
Harry couldn't hold this one in, he actually laughed this time. It felt good to laugh. He hadn't done it in a long time.
Eppy smiled too, it was nice to see Harry laugh. "So what is being happening with Rufie what's his name?"
Harry began again, after his laughter died down, "He knew I'd be coming in for my test because of when my birthday was and he and his men were laying in wait for me."
"Is they hurting you?"
"No, worse, much worse. Old Rufus tried to get me to publicly say what a good job he was doing in the war against Voldemort. He had his people covering all the exits and had several reporters there also to make sure the story landed in the Daily Prophet. What an idiot, he should have known it would have backfired on him the moment he tried it."
"What is you's saying Master Harry?"
"The truth of course, about how I thought it was disgraceful that poor Stan had to sit in Azkaban while any fool with half a brain knew he was innocent of the crimes he was accused of. This didn't sit well with old … what did you call him again?"
"Rufie," Eppy replied with a toothy grin on her little face. Then she asked, "What's was happening then?"
"I paid for my license and got the hell out of there. Unfortunately, the only place for me to go at the time was Grimmauld Place. Do you know about my house?"
"Eppy has been hearing about it, but I's has not made it there yet."
"You've not missed much."
"Eppy is thinking she can be cleaning it much better than that Kreacher ever could."
"You probably could, as I don't think he was even trying there for many years. But as I was saying, before Dumbledore died he placed the house under the Fidelius Charm and when he was murdered the charmed was cancelled, which all of us forgot about."
"Is that being a bad thing?"
"Yeah, considering that Narcissa Malfoy attempted to gain entry to the house on orders from Voldemort. It seems that there was something in the house that he wanted and since neither her sister Bellatrix nor her son Draco, were unable to go out publicly, he sent the great blonde bitch of the manor."
"Eppy is not thinking you's is liking those people very much."
The lord of Cear Azkaban, the Druid Islands and two magical islands in the Bahamas looked at the little elf and asked sarcastically, "What was your first clue?"
"Eppy is being very clever that way."
Harry smiled at her again. She was turning out to be a nice companion to have. Pity she wasn't really his.
"So what is happening next?"
Harry took another gulp of his tea and began, "Well…"
To Be Continued … Please Read and Review
This story is dedicated to Rorschach's Blot and to Lady Smoothie, who have both written Caer Azkaban stories that are enjoyable. Unlike so many of the others, that are not and are poorly written.