AN: this is basically Rory's thoughts before she decides to leave Yale, however this takes place as if she hadn't stolen the boat.

Standard disclaimers apply.

"Hey you've reached Rory and Paris we're not here at the moment; leave a message after the beep"

BEEP……

" fruit of my loins ,this is your evil sexy alien mother calling you from space with a cup of alien Java in my freshly manicured hands ,yes me Lorelai got a manicure and you know why ? Because the wicked witch of the west aka Emily called and invited me to a fancy how do you do society shindig at the haunted mansion and apparently my beautiful digits were not fancy enough for her folk sooo long story short she hops on her limo broom and drags me to a mother daughter spa retreat and then-"

I know I should pick up, I really should.

Maybe by not picking up, it'll show that I can resist, that I can do something for my self.

I roll my eyes in disgust

I sigh and pick up the phone, "hey mom" I say trying to match her chipper tone by

Disguising my melancholic one with the high perky voice I used to sound out when in excited.

"Hey kid did you get the beginning of my message cause I was on one hell of a ramble there and I'm not sure if I could continue with out another dose of coffee"

"Yes mom, sounds like grandma did it again"

"Trust me you have known idea, did you know that coffee is not allowed inn spas, nada zip nil none…… "

Inwardly groaning I make my way back to my bed tuning out mom as she continued with her rant, I pick up my blue duvet and wrap it around me languorously taking in the comfort it provided and sinking in to its warm embrace.

Mom rambled on, now about Kirks latest exploits and Miss Patty's latest tidbit of gossip, I snuggled deeper into the blue warmth, right now she was the only thing keeping me from sleeping and as much as I love her sleep sounds a lot better.

"mom is there a reason you called" no longer bothering to disguise my tone of voice " because I'm really tired right now and if this isn't important I would really like to doze off"

"Yes sorry kid, guess I got carried away, sometimes Lorilai and a caramel macchiato don't mix to well especially after spending a coffee filled night with a sexily gruff diner own- ."

I coughed slightly directing her attention back to the point of my interruption,

"what?- oh yes well the fancy shindig I was telling you about , well its taking place during Friday night dinner and I'm expecting you to come a divert the attention while I climb out the window . You getting this babe?"

"Yes mom I'll be there"

Click

I hang up the phone and fall back into the comfort of my bed.

Coffee would be nice right now….a double espresso …maybe a latte

Coffee, a wan smile crosses my pale face; its funny now that I think about it, my choices in the culinary aspect is probably the only thing I share in common with my Mom. Our friendship/relationship is almost solely based on our problems and the Ben and Jerry wallowing to follow.

Then again I guess that's how must relationships work, trying to smooth out the rough edges as they fray.

My eyes slowly drift shut and I wait for the waves and sleep to wash over my tired body and lull me into unconsciousness.

Sleep doesn't come

-Coffee and a book that's what I need- maybe a Jane Austin -

Lorelai,

My mom, ever the social rebel.

Looking at her, I see that she really is like most girls –most sixteen year old girls that is, somehow part of her got stuck at sixteen, not that I'm a physiology major or anything but I think that when her world came crashing down with the pregnancy –me- she tried so hard to remain positive and carefree about it that she repressed the older mature part of her and let loose the Lorelai who remained the sixteen year old coffee drinking starlit that she was….. coffee Lorelai's true fountain of youth .

Lorelai came to stars hollow with a bang, the teenage mother –estranged from her wealthy parents, choosing to live in a shed instead of asking for funds to provide.

She swam against the current, keeping her head out of the water as she headed up stream, keeping afloat with her stubborn headstrong yet well meaning way of life, only floundering slightly when it came to love.

She had love now though, Luke was there, the bearer of coffee the diner owner who was the true definition of friends to lovers, and now she is swimming strong, heading whichever direction she pleases in a river called Lorelai, full of coffee filled quirks and flaws, flaws that make her the gorgeous fighter that she is.

I loved her too, not that she didn't know but my love is weak full of admiration and desire, I wanted so much to be her.

Yet even now I feel that my tapestry of life is weaving in another direction, the strings are loose and tangled –too many people have tried to interfere –too many people have tried to sew me up to their mold.

–I don't resist-

Mom would have though she would have fought against the Friday night dinners and Chilton, even Yale if she had been me, but she's not me and I was weak to wrapped up in what people thought of me, too wrapped up in what people expected of my –what I expected of my self to fight for my own free dome.

My stomach growls and I get up still caught up in my thoughts, in a haze of my reflections I somehow manage to make it to the kitchenette and grab the first thing in reach –

Ben and Jerry's cherry Garcia –yummy.

My bed seems too far –

Yum,

Maybe I'll just sit down here…..

When I was younger , I didn't mind that I was a grade obsessed book lover , it never occur to me that there was a problem with me not being the girl that everybody wanted to be .

Yes it had hurt sometimes , but I had my escapes-books- and I had my goals to keep me company and along with Lorelai , I was never really that lonely .

I'll show them, I had thought; right now I may be quiet and bookish but when their all struggling with there middle class jobs I'll be graduating from Harvard-Rory Gilmore ,world class reporter , that dashing brunette journalist with her outstanding articles published in the New Yorker ,or Time magazine –yes I had thought I'll show them .

Now though I realize that, my dream was just that –a dream.

All my hard work, all my A+ s and perfect report cards, I'm not even at Harvard –and why?

Because I cared too much of what people thought, too much of the disapproval on my Grandpas voice when I told him I was Harvard bound.

Still I had thought, Yale is just as good, just as white collar- I'll still have a chance to show them.

And now I look at my self now, sitting on the living room floor, snuggled up in a blue duvet with my two edible companions, Ben and Jerry.- I think of what led me here , to this moment –to this particular breakdown, if that's what this is called .

I think that my decisions over the past two years have affected me in a deep way –or at least impacted my life and turned it onto a slightly different path then the one I was traveling before.

Would I be this lost if I had gone to New York with Jess?

Would I have ended up this confused if I hadn't slept with Dean?

Yes, somehow I think that this –emotional crisis? - No it's not a crisis just, -just a confused girl …..

The cool ice-cream melts down my throat, distracting me momentarily with its calorie filled bliss…..

Jess and Dean, well and now Logan I guess .its funny even though, my relationships have been very few –I can count them all, even that kiss with Tristan and the date to nowhere with Graham –I can count them all on one hand, even though they were very few they have all been intense –mentally draining well at least Jess and Dean have and Logan, who knows where this one is going.

Dean, now that I think back Dean was perfect, or seemed so at the time. When I was with him it was my turn in the spotlight and he was there besides my doting, caring even loving as I followed my journalistic aspirations.

However the little bit of Lorelai in me got bored , there is only so long you can be put on the pedestal –placed as a straight A angel , headed for the top ,above average – there is only so long I could take it especially since Grandma and Grandpa insisted on to the same –still do .

So when Jess came along it was a welcomed escape, a breath of fresh air tainted with cigarette smoke and empty beer bottles.

Jess –my rebellion in a boy.

But he was just a distraction , and as deeply as I cared for him I found myself being pulled away from my sheltered life-fun at first , but only to discover that my goals and dreams were stronger than the emotions I harbored for him . And when he left it only proved that further.

So I pulled my life back together, and new opportunities expressed themselves in the form of Yale and even more Friday night dinners.

And just as I was getting settled he had returned –"come away with me Rory" – and for a fleeting moment I pictured my self in New York, envisioning a large city with an endless amount of opportunities. But the reality hit me when I looked at Jess, the only opportunities he had even given me was the option to run , a skill which I'm sad to say I have put to great use through out my years .

So I ran –into Dean that is, finding my self in the middle of another crisis, I this time working as the catalyst for an experiment that never should have happened, landing me in hot water not only with Lindsay but with my mom.

A fight that we have never truly healed from.

I ask my self now –what did I see in that decision of mine? And the answer hits me like a load of books-bricks.

I didn't decide anything there, Dean well Dean was just another escape, a pathway that I took in hopes of returning to the pedestal that I had tarnished and torn which my actions as of late. But he did not give me bliss , only another headache it seemed that he no longer aided my journalistic dreams but rather distracted my from them .

But I kept of relighting the candle, trying to keep the flame alive, when in reality it had died the first time we had broken up, and while I tried to convince myself that it could work

.-For a while it did, things got better with my mom and my studies resumed as normal and Dean well we made time, like other couples can only hope to do.

But again I felt my self being drawn away, not just from Dean but from Stars Hollow in general and once Logan came along suddenly the life and death brigade sounded a lot more exciting than Taylor's latest squabble avec luke .

Like a moth to the flame I found myself enticed my world of blue blood and old money, even though my upbringing should have been enough to stamp my curiosity out of me.

And slowly as my friendship developed with Logan my relationship with Dean came into shaper focus -the holes became larger and eventually disintegrated into the nothingness it had started from.

Logan, my relationship with him isn't complicated in anyway, we were friends, then casual daters and eventually lovers, not complicated or it shouldn't be and yet it is.

-"way to go Rory" I mutter through a mouthful of ice-cream "you've struck out again"

Logan, he was fresh and exciting and unlike Jess so full of surprises that I don't think he ever will get stale. He's shown me how to let loose, how to live a little something I had been missing out on. And as I grew to know him better and as our relationship changed and developed I found that behind that carefree handsome exterior was a caring young man who, was way smarter than he would ever admit

–as I dove deeper too I began to see that he wasn't perfect , nor as carefree as he deemed himself to be , yes he could fuck around all he wanted in collage,-his jail records could be a mile long but in the end he would end up just like every other male in his family –heir to the Huntzberger media fortune and next un line to take over the company , and I soon learned that that was exactly what he didn't want –what he had been trying to break free of his entire life

but the downfall to him seemed inevitable, he told me many times that "although I can study what I want ( in this case his passion architecture) , do what I want , I too will end up a slave to my family , fall victim to the Huntzberger trap". But he had tried to liven it up " hey here's to the moment , here's to what we can do now"

and for that I loved him , I loved that he could move past his troubles and just –Live.

Something I've been trying to do ,for as long as I can remember .

And along with Logan I find myself enjoying life a little bit more.

However it seemed that the more serious I got with him the bigger the gap between my mother grew, yes Lorelai and I still acted the same towards each other but it was different we weren't as close as we were before –I doubt we ever will be .

But that I think can be explained as growing up .

somehow I find my self being drawn back into the world my mother tried to hard to seal off , but to me its not all that bad and I find that if I look past the polished fronts and snobby façade 's that there are real people just like me full of their own troubles but filled with fun and personality all the same.

Something my mother struggled to do –and thus her dislike.

And so I went on , happily sewing up some of the looser ends in my life with the golden string courtesy of Logan .

- I sigh and get up tossing the empty ice-cream container into the overflowing garbage.-

And then I met his parents , the bubble of happiness popped then and there . it was then that Logan's not so friendly words about his family became clear , and truth to be told –I hated them and now I hate them even more , not that I can do much about it .

After the lovely episode of the meet the parents my relationship was strained yes, it was clear to both of us that we cared but at the moment we were and still are too wrapped up in our own dilemmas to see what's in front of us.

Then came the internship and with that my particular –crisis-breakdown-emotional drama etc……

Mitchum Huntzberger , with just a few words he brought my whole world crashing down

" you just don't have what it takes"

How can I show everyone , when I was just given a thumbs down by the top guy in the business .

How are I and Logan supposed to break the mold –come out strong when we were both pulled down from the cloud nine of dreams by the same headstrong billionaire .

How am I supposed to graduate Yale with a degree that apparently I won't be able to put to use .

What am I even doing at Yale?

-some more coffee and more comfort food would be nice just right about now –

Maybe I can run just one more time , maybe just once more I can escape and move on .

…I pick up my coat and open the door excited with silent anticipation , my feet barely touch the pavement as I run over to Logan's dorm …

Ignoring Finns protests I fling the door open letting the rays of sunshine fill up the room and make my way to his room and open it revealing a pajama clad Logan .

Taking his hand I pull him out the door "c'mon lets go"

With out protest he come grabbing his wallet as we shut the door , spur of the moment is his thing …. Maybe running won't be so bad this time .

Maybe just Maybe one more time .

AN: will have a Logan chapter coming soon …please review (no flames please) however constructive criticism is always welcome.

Luv ya all

-Rock and Roll Bitch , please check out my story on fiction press called :