I'm so, so, so, slow...why am I slow? Why? Why! WHY! Bah...responses.
W-wait a minute, I already sent responses in that new-fangled system over thar. I'm afraid, all you anonymous reviewers, that you can't receive responses anymore.
Zelda isn't mine. If it was, Ganondorf would be an idiot, the Master Sword would be pure diamond, there would be a "TURBO-DRIVE" button on the King of Red Lions, and Ronald Reagan would be somewhere in the game.
Chapter 5: Crouching Tiger, Fatass Dragon
From where we left off last chapter, Link and the King of Red Lions had set sail to the east. Having lived on a puny little rock in the sea for so long, Link was unacquainted with long journeys. VERY unacquainted.
"Are we there yet?" Inquired Link.
"No," King replied.
"Are we there yet?"
"Are we there yet?"
"Can you hear me now?"
"Are we there yet?"
"Then it's not good. It's bad. Are we there now?"
"No we aren't!"
"You catch on quickly. Get a hobby, mental idiot."
Link did not know what mental idiot that King was talking to, but he decided to get a hobby anyway. Pulling out the latest variety of Game Dude, the Game Dude Pocket Micro Color Advance Special Dual Screen Lite, with Polkamon already plugged in and 27 quadruple-A batteries inside. Being a good friend to King and all, Link felt that he shouldn't miss out on any of the sweet (read crappy) action, so he decided to narrate every single excruciating word to King.
"SUPERMON used BEAT THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF THE OTHER POLKAMON! IT'S A MON, MON used ACCORDION! SUPERMON'S LUNG CAPACITY fell!"
King was getting desperate, but through his bloodshot eyes, he managed to see a mountainous outcrop of land. "LINK! WE'RE THERE YET NOW!"
Link, of course, was absorbed in his game, finally pushing King to the point of doing a barrel roll and dumping him in the sea. "Nooooooo! That Game Dude cost 500,000,000 Rupees!" Link wailed, but suddenly stopped short and peered up at the island. "What's that thing on top?"
"Indeed, Link, you have noticed the rather large dragon-"
"More like the fatass dragon!"
"Please, Link, this is no time for vulgarity. Valoo is very sensiti-"
"Valoo? That's a dumb name."
"Please, Link, this is no time for derogation. Lord Valoo is very-"
"Lord? Thats a dumb title. I'd be 'Superior Emperor Captain Major Official Army Negative Private General King Super His Awesomeness Majesty Malcolm-Akbar Mustafa,' or Supempcapmajoffarmnegprigenkingsuphisawemaj for short."
"Please, Link, this is no time for derogation. Lord Valoo is very touchy about his title. He's also wanted to be Supempcapmajoffarmnegprigenkingsuphisawemaj Malcolm-Akbar Mustafa for some time. Now, you must acquire an object called 'Din's Pearl.' It is crucial to the-"
"What's the pearl for?"
A vein, or rather, a splinter, bulged on King's head. "MUST YOU ALWAYS INTERRUPT-"
Instead of merely interrupting King again, Link simply walked off, leaving King to fume to himself. Looking around, Link could see a labyrinthine layout of rocks, boulders, pebbles, Pebbles, Bam-Bam, asteroids, comets, pastrami, and some sort of "explosive fruit." Link certainly didn't have the time, patience, willpower, brainpower, or any type of power, for that matter, to deal with this, so he decided to devise a new plan...
Gathering a team of experienced and established scientists, nuclear physicists, astronomers, and conspiracy theorists, Link set out to disprove what could be the single most famous theory of modern times. Doing so would be the task of the century, but he was confident it could be done. After many long hours of planning, plotting, consideration, and butt-scratching, Link and his team were still debating.
"Old Al must have been right; we've been at this for hours, days even!"
"It is quite a solid foundation for a theory..."
"That fool didn't know what he was doing the whole time!"
"The Russians ate the Moon! I saw it with my own three noses!"
"I've got it!" Yelled a triumphant Link. "This is the formula! E The Letter After D!"
There were many oohs and aahs around the group, as Link had disproved Einstein's Theory of Relativity. As a side effect, gravity seemed to meander off, and Link was able to easily float up until he was where the layout of rocks would have taken him. Instead of floating up higher, Link destroyed all the evidence, promptly reestablishing the Theory of Relativity and restoring gravity. Looking back at the shore, Link saw that all of the scientists, physicists, astronomers, and theorists seemed to be discussing matters with the King, probably around the lines of ordering a pizza and then plotting Link's demise.
Link turned back around, then wandered up the rest of the mountain, thanks to a veranda-esque structure built on the side. Where it ended, a large cave in the mountainside had been bored out. Link entered the cave, the home of the Ritos.
Link gazed around in wonder. It looked like it had taken years to finely craft such a cave. He noticed antique furniture, the likes of which-
Our hero was quickly cut off from his unusual level of thinking as a bird-man came crashing down from the sky upon him. Link pushed the bird-man off of him.
"Hey, what's your problem, Birdman?" spat Link.
"Aw, I lost my last case," said Harvey Birdman, attorney at law, "and my clients are ingrates!"
"Don't worry, I'm sure the next one will be a smash hit."
"Thanks, I guess," said H.B., rather dejectedly.
"And you!" said Link, this time to the bird-man who fell on him, "What's your problem?"
"GERONIMO!" the Rito replied.
"And this Geronimo is...?"
Link grabbed the Rito by the shirt and stared at him with eyes of fire. "Listen," he said with an assertive tone, "I'm going to say this once, and only once. Do I have anything stuck in my teeth?"
The Rito, unable to deal with so many words, exploded.
"Hey!" said an important-looking Rito to Link. "Who are you?"
"Your mom!" Link shot back.
"Then WHERE'S MY ALLOWANCE?" said the Rito.
"Well, I'm actually Link."
"Oh, I knew that. I was just wondering if you knew where my allowance was."
"Anyways, I'm the Chieftain of Eragon Boost Island."
"I thought it was Dragon Roost Island?"
"Well, yes, it is, but I'm the chieftain of Eragon Boost. The chieftain of Dragon Roost is over there," said the Rito, pointing to an even more important-looking Rito.
Link walked up to the Chieftain and tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The Chieftain turned around and said, "Hey! Who are you?"
"Well then, Ramrod," said Chiefy McChief, "I need you to go give this letter to my snotty little son. As Dragon Boost has the only postal service on the Great Sea, we have no time to deliver letters that could be delivered by hand. So, will you do it?"
"Do I have any choice?" Link sulked.
"Nope!" said Chieftain, handing Link the letter. "Oh, and take this Deli-Very Bag. It holds deli and letters!"
"What can't I just carry the letter?"
Chieftain pulled out a flashlight (which was nonexistent at that time), somehow shut all other lights off, and turned it on, shining it at his face to make it looks all scary. "Because...you just might get PAPERCUTS!"
"Eeek!" said Link. "So what exactly is the letter for?"
"Well, Lord Valoo is being all bitchy and won't give us any scales, which let us fly. My son is worried that he won't ever fly, and his grandma died, and his eyelashes are sore or something..."
"Wow. I'm sorry for you," said Link.
"Yeah...now go deliver that letter!"
"Sir yes ma'am!"
In Prince Komali's Room...Yes, That's His Name...
Prince Komali stared discontentedly at an orange, glowy pearl. Suddenly, someone seemed to be banging on the door.
"THIS IS THE POLICE, OPEN UP!"
"That's not going to work, whoever you are," said Komali.
The door was subsequently kicked down by...the police. Whaddaya know. They dragged him off and arrested him for larceny of...stuff.
Back to Reality...
Prince Komali stared discontentedly at an orange, glowy pearl. With personal privacy barely crossing his small mind, Link strolled in.
"Hey, Princey boy, letter," said Link, giving him the letter from the Deli Very Bag.
Komali, with his incredible ability to read letters at light-speed, glanced at the letter and sighed. "Be courageous...easy for him to say..."
"Actually, it isn't," interjected Link. "You should've seen him struggling over all those words. Hey, cool glowy ball."
"Thanks. It's Din's Pearl, a-"
"I need that! It's crucial to...well, I don't know what it's crucial to, but..."
"No way! This was my grandma's, and you can't have it!"
"Oh yeah? What if I...got you a scale from that dragon dude?
"Yeah right, I'd like to see you try," said Komali.
"Oh, I'm gonna get you that scale, and then some!"
"Oh, it's already brung!"
Later, at the Entrance to Dragon Roost Cavern
"What's with all this pepper in the air?" asked Link to a nearby Rito guard.
"Lord Valoo is angry, so he cursed us with pepper rain. Pretty annoying being posted here."
"I feel your pain...not."
Link looked across the lake. Or what was left of it; it had all evaporated. The bridge was out, too. Link sat down and thought about how to get over. An idea came remarkably quickly. Link pulled out his RAZR cell phone and called up a friend, asked a question, then hung up, looking confident. With Prince of Persia-style physics, Link jogged up to the wall of the of the cavern entrance and ran across it, landing on the other side of the dried-up lake. Still brimming with unusual amounts of knowledge, Link found a way to get across the succeeding lava pit: run across REALLY REALLY quickly. His boots did not thank him, but they were inanimate, so they could not grumble to themselves, either.
Link walked into Dragon Roost Cavern and was greeted by two bokoblins. Rather, two sleeping bokoblins. Link let the sleeping 'blins lie, but not before doodling on their faces.
A little while later, our "hero" was in the center of the cavern, which was full of fire and flaming doom. Link took a nearby door, and everything seemed alright, but Link's Cricket Sense told him something was horribly wrong. A red glob of jelly fell from the ceiling. Following that, a red, jelly-like animal fell. Thanks to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Great Sea, Link figured out that he was against a Chuchu, and a glob of red jelly. Link simply stabbed the Chuchu and ate the jelly.
In another room, Link had to traverse a second lava pit, but there were water jugs nearby. This enabled Link to cool his feet off after running over the lava.
The next room contained something truly, unduly frightening…
But seriously, it was a bokoblin with, no, not a boko stick, a METAL SWORD! DUN DUN DUN! Regardless, Link beat down the bokoblin easily. If you define "easily" as laboriously and with much difficulty.
Since the author is so incompetent, he's skipping a bunch of rooms…insert dumb, humorless rooms here…
Link found himself outside, high up on Dragon Roost. It looked like a safe path to the next door, but that's if you ignored the cracks in the mountainside. Funky-looking lava spewed out of them at suspiciously exact intervals of ten seconds or so. Link looked at the path with confidence. He was sure that he could get by, as he was "intellygint." The mountainside stood no chance against him!
Several Minutes Later
Link was in the next room, and had learned to treat third-degree burns the hard way. He noticed a bunch of rats running around as ominous battle music emanated seemingly from nowhere. Link's RAZR phone started ringing, and he answered it.
"Hello?" asked Link.
"Hello, do you have Prince Albert in a can?" asked a voice from the other side.
"Who's Prince Albert?" asked Link. "And while I'm at it, what's a can?"
"Well, you better go let him out!" shouted the voice, hanging up.
Link just stood there and tried to comprehend what that guy was talking about. A very difficult task, no doubt. He quickly got another call. The Caller ID showed "WILLY LORENZO."
Link answered the phone, ready for any Prince Albert jokes. "Listen, I don't know this Prince Albert, so don't go asking, punk!"
"What?" asked the voice on the other end.
"King? Is that you?"
"Yes, Link, I need to tell-"
"Your real name is 'Willy Lorenzo?'"
This threw the King for a real loop. "Well, uh...um, you see…er…nevermind that! I need to tell you about those rats scurrying around!"
"What about them?"
"While they are very annoying and attack you-"
"Attack me? The rats haven't attacked me!"
One of the rats suddenly body-slammed Link and took 50 Rupees from him.
"See what I mean, Link?" said the King.
"…whatever. Your point?"
"While they are very annoying and attack you, they are merely rats. Try bargaining with them, because everybody knows that rats know how to bargain."
"Um, okay. Bye."
Link pulled his Bait Bag our…
Wait a minute! Link never got a Bait Bag!
Would you let me finish?
Fine, whatever. Probably some stupid resolution…
Link pulled his Bait Bag out of a nearby wormhole and scattered some bait. The rats eagerly took it.
"Would you like to buy something?" asked the rat.
"We have Red Potion, Bait, and 50 Rupees."
"How much for the 50 Rupees?"
"Done!" said Link. Fools, he thought.
"Want to buy something else?"
"Wait a minute…why would you sell bait? Don't you have to eat it?"
"Well, you see…the thing is…um…er...SHUT UP!" screamed the rat, promptly exploding. The dramatic battle music stopped as well, much to the relief of anyone present. Which would be Link.
A Few Rooms Later…
Link was outside again. Stairs were leading up the mountainside, but Link noticed they were old and worn. Just to be safe, Link busted out his Prince of Persia wall-running skills to get to the other side of the stairs. Link leapt at the left wall, having forgotten that the mountainside was to the right and that there was no left wall, only a long plummet.
A Few Hours Later
Link was outside again. Stairs were leading up to the mountainside, but Link noticed they were old and worn. Ignoring safety, Link ran up the stairs as quickly as possible. They collapsed as he ran over them, but he somehow got to the end of the stairs. He could hear Lord Valoo roaring a lot and swearing in Hylian, but he disregarded that for the moment. The stairs had led to a large, circular area. Some Rito girl was in a cage at the far end, being guarded by two green bokoblins. Dramatic battle music (which was really getting old by now) emanated from Valoo's boombox as Link leapt into pitched combat!
Of course, Mr. Combat would not simply stand there and let people leap into him, so he stormed off to somewhere else. Nonetheless, Link stood back up and soared into battle!
…no, he's not going to soar into Battle from Chapter 3.
Anyways, Link approached the bokoblins with extreme caution. From the way they were entrusted with those badass swords, they were obviously masters of armed conflict.
"You think we can take this guy?" the first Bokoblin asked the other.
"Who?" said the second Bokoblin.
"What about him?"
"Do you think we can take him?"
"Do you think we can take that guy?"
While the first Bokoblin proceeded to throttle the other, Link broke the Rito girl out of the cage. She gave him a Grappling Hook and said something about how a monster was hurting Valoo's tail, which hung into some chamber below. Link barely paid attention to any of this, mainly watching the two Bokoblins attack each other. When the Rito left, Link traveled back inside Dragon Roost Cavern, to a room that led to the room where Valoo's tail hung down into. However, it was locked with a big, menacing lock with an eye. Link decided that busting out his lock-picking skills was in order.
Two hours later…
Link had exhausted his supply of blowtorch fluid, crowbars, and hairpins. He angrily kicked the door…open. There was a lock on it, but it wasn't locked. Link entered. The room was mostly a lava pit, with ground all around the edge of the chamber. Valoo's tail could clearly be seen hanging down from the ceiling. Just when everything seemed fine and dandy, a giant…monstrous…bug thing named Gohma erupted out of the lava. It seemed covered with armor, and it looked like it had one weak point: its eye. It looked like he had a long fight before him.
Another two hours later…
Link had been fighting Gohma for quite a while, but had done virtually no damage. Suddenly, Link remembered something that a young boy had told him:
"Do not try and bend the fork. That's impossible. Instead, only try to realize the truth. There is no fork. Then you'll realize that it is not the fork that bends, it is only yourself."
"There is no fork," said Link slowly, "and there is no Gohma either!"
Gohma promptly disappeared via impossibility consequences and Matrix references. A Piece of Heart and fancy whirly wind teleport appeared afterwards. Link grabbed his Piece of Heart, unsure of what to do with it, and stepped into the teleport.
Outside, on the shores of Dragon Roost
Link appeared inches above the ground. If you think about that, this is sort of insensitive. If the teleport can take Link all that distance, why doesn't it go to the trouble to put him on the ground, huh?
Prince Komali wandered over, unfazed from the paranormal transportation Link took to get to the shore.
"Hey, you! Ramrod, right?" he said.
"Um…yeah. I went through on my side of the bet, now where's my orange glowy ball!"
"Here," said Komali, handing Link Din's Pearl. "Hey! Where's my scale from Valoo?"
"I calmed him down so you can get to him, go get your own damn scale!"
"Well I will then!"
"Oh, I will!"
So Link, with Din's Pearl in tow, headed over to the King of Red Lions.
"Hey, Willy, what's up?" said Link.
"Don't call me that," said King Willy. "And my name isn't King Willy!"
"Whatever. So where do we go now?"
"We need the wind to blow to the south, and it isn't doing that, so…we're pretty much stuck here. But you can play with this stick I found," said King Lorenzo, handing Link a baton-ish stick. "And remember…my name ain't King Lorenzo."
Link muddled around for a bit, and then went through an archway that led to the other side of the island. He saw two monoliths. One was broken, but the other was untouched, and had three directional symbols on it. On a whim, Link pretended to conduct with his baton-ish stick, following the three directions. Link decided to get out of there quick if anybody had seem him, but turned around to the strange sight of a giant frog on a cloud.
"So you're the new Wind Waker-Upper, eh?" said the green frog.
"Ahh! Big frog!" screamed Link.
The frog just followed him on his cloud, rambling on about the wind and cyclones and something or other. He eventually went away though. Link went back to King to tell him about this.
"King! You'd never believe-"
"No, I wouldn't! It's a southerly wind! Let's go!"
"To a place where forestry abounds and green is everywhere…the Forest Haven!"
Link and King sailed off into the distance…
Next Chapter: The Great Dookie Tree
Alright, I took a very long time. About eight months. But I'm turning over a new leaf. I will commit myself to update…every two weeks. When school starts, this will probably slow down big-time. So, Chapter Six should be here around July 16.
And I know that's not the greatest chapter title, alright?
And don't tell me to hurry up. I know I've got to hurry up.