Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls or its characters.
Summary: She's not sure what she hates most, but she's afraid that she doesn't really hate any of it at all.
Author's Note: This is based on one of my absolute favorite songs and I'm so happy to finally have a plot to weave around it. I've loved the song for a long time now. I'm not going to post the lyrics here, due to FF's guidelines, but if you'd like to see the lyrics, I will have them posted in the story over on Illusive.
The song is My Beautiful by Lennon. Seriously guys, this is an amazing and beautiful song and if you can find it, you should. You won't be disappointed.
The timeline… Post-Jews and Chinese Food, Pre-But I'm a Gilmore, although I may alter the time of the events in that timeframe.
Where do I fit in
Where's my place here
What do I need to say,
What do you want to hear
Where do I fit in
If she's in your bed
Where is my beautiful
She hates all of it but if you ask her, she can't tell you what she hates the most. She hates when they're in her room but she hates when he asks her to come to his. She hates that he waits until she's in the shower before he leaves however she hates that she leaves before he wakes up. She hates waking up alone yet she hates waking up with him there just as much.
This morning she hates that when she walks out of his room his roommates are already up and sitting on the couch. She pauses for a moment to wonder if she hates it when they're not there to bid her good-morning and farewell but she realizes she doesn't. She prefers it that way. She doesn't like them knowing where she's been all night and what she's been doing. In fact, she hates it, even though she's sure Logan would have told them anyways.
"Coffee love?" Finn offers, but she turns it down. Yes, she turns down coffee, but if you were wearing a ridiculous bright blue cocktail dress and your hair was in tangles and your make-up was smudged, you'd turn it down too. She shakes her head no and mutters an excuse about having to get to class, but really, she just wants to go home and get in the shower. She wants to rid herself of his scent, which she loves and hates at the same time. She wants to wash away last night. And early this morning. And every other time she's been with him like this because while she may not hate it, she certainly doesn't love it.
As she makes her way back to her dorm, she's relieved to see that not many people are walking around campus and she wonders if the few people she does see are making the same trip back to their own rooms. Another girl passes her by and Rory wonders if that's how she looks, and she certainly must, as they are both dressed in last night's clothes and avoiding eye contact with each other. She feels as if she should comfort the girl. Hug her or squeeze her hand and whisper that she doesn't need him. She'd like the girl to tell her the same.
Finally, she's in her shower and the hot water makes her feel better. Not a lot, but a little, but she takes what she can get right now. Obviously. She stays in there until the water runs cold and then she climbs out and sits on the couch and stares at the TV still clad in only her towel. Her hair is dripping wet and she knows it's going to dry in a tangled mess but she doesn't care. She wants to sit here and curse the day she met Logan Huntzberger and damn it, that's what she's going to do.
Except that's not the day she hates, not one bit. In fact, she loves that day. She met the real Logan that day. The one who was condescending and arrogant and okay, so he was gorgeous, but she doesn't want to think about that right now. She wants to focus on the hate.
So she hates the night she let him climb through her window. She hates that she was charmed by it, when she should have been angry. She hates that he kissed her and her knees literally went weak and he had to hold her up. She hates that she didn't say yes when he asked if she wanted him to leave.
Most of all, she hates that she loves that he stayed.
She hasn't had a good week since she's started sleeping with him, but this has been the worst. This was the week when she actually saw him out with another girl, and not just once, but twice. And not just one girl, but two.
On State Street, she feels as if he's punched her in the stomach and for a second she fears it's her heart breaking but she quells that thought before she thinks about it too much because it's not possible. How can her heart be breaking if he's not her boyfriend? It's not, because he's not, she reminds herself bitterly. She shakes it off, and smiles at her mom, who's too smart to know that her perfect daughter is perfectly okay with this, but she's a good mom, so she lets it be. It's Rory's mistake to make after all, it's her mistake to learn from.
She likes to think she's learned her lesson, but that doesn't mean she's going to stop seeing him. She's not stupid, she knows how coveted that spot in Logan's bed is, and God help her, she loves knowing that she occupies that very spot a good part of the time. She hates that she loves it though.
At Finn's birthday she spies him across the room with Whitney, but she's better prepared this time. It still stings, but it's not quite the punch the State Street slut was. She hates that he makes her catty. She expects him to have a date and she has one too. She likes to think she didn't intentionally pick one of his friends, but a small part of her knows the truth. She wants a reaction and a reaction she's going to get.
She doesn't expect the reaction she gets and she doesn't know how to respond when he kisses her. He kisses her right in front of both of their dates! She knows she shouldn't, but she finds herself kissing him back and only when she sees the evil glare Whitney is giving her does she pull away. He's not happy. He frowns and she realizes she like his frown almost as much as his smile. Especially when she knows he's frowning because she's here with someone else. She's not sitting home pining away for him and he doesn't know how he feels about that.
"The problem is you're here with Robert and it's bothering me and I don't like that it's bothering me." She decides right then and there that he definitely looks good while frowning.
She kisses him once more, and takes great satisfaction in the look on his face and the state of his arousal, which judging by the weight he's pressing against her thigh must be extremely painful for him right now. She considers, for a few seconds more than she likes to admit, how easy it would be for them to leave now. To just ditch their dates and go to his room and fall into his bed.
She's proud of herself when she turns him down a final time and returns to Robert. She hates Robert's company now though, and she can still taste Logan's whiskey on her lips no matter how much vodka she drinks. She adds whiskey to the list of things she hates.
When she gets home, she feels unsettled. She loves that she won this round. She loves that she saw jealousy in his eyes for once. She loves that she was able to resist him.
She hates that he gave up so easily though. And she hates that he's probably in bed with Whitney right now, whispering things in her ear that he whispered to Rory just last night. She hates that she didn't leave the party when he asked her to.
And she really really hates that he's the clear winner of this round, and not her.
She's done with this so-called arrangement. She's tired of his games and she's tired of feeling the way she does. She doesn't like herself when she's with him, she feels dirty, and not in a Lorelai-approved type of way.
She's busy convincing herself that she's done with him but she knows the truth. He hasn't called her in over a week. It doesn't matter if she's done with him or not because apparently, he's done with her.
She hates that it hurts and she hates that she's not relieved like her mother and Paris tell her to be. She tries to be cool about it; she likes to think she does a good job when telling everyone that she's done being a "no-strings" type of girl. She likes to think she's still the same old, pro-commitment Rory and she hates that she knows she's not.
She dreads seeing him on campus and hates how friendly he is when it finally happens. He smiles and calls her Ace, kisses her cheek and tells her they'll hang out soon. As he walks away she hates that she hopes he does call her, and even more she hates that she knows when he does, she'll do whatever he asks.
She also hates how good he looks and how good he smells when he kisses her cheek.
She's surprised when he calls her that very night, and even though it's close to four AM, she answers her phone. It's been seventeen days and four hours since the last time she was in his bed and he acts as if it hasn't been a day. She listens as he talks and decides that he's not drunk and yes, she accepts his offer to come over. She's excited that he suggests his place and not hers. He treats her differently in each of the rooms. In her room she's a princess, she's up on that damned pedestal and he's not going to be the one to knock her off. In her room she's made of glass and he's afraid to break her.
But in his room, it's the exact opposite. She thinks of this as she gets out of bed and puts on a little bit of make up before heading across campus. In his room, she's not Rory Gilmore, she's just another girl he has in her bed. Okay, so she's not, but she doesn't know how else to describe it. In his room, he's possessive and almost hungry for her. He has no qualms in making her scream his name and beg for him in his room. Secretly, she likes being in his room better. She hates that too.
On the way to his room she promises herself it's going to be different this time. She's going to tell him he has to decide. It's either her and her alone or she's not coming back. She can't do no-strings and she was a fool to think she could. As she enters his building she knows she probably won't say a word about it. She's made these promises to herself time and time before. It always ends the same. He pulls her into his room and the second she hears that door lock she forgets everything she intends on telling him. Hell, half the time, she even forgets her name.
She hates herself because this time is no different. He grins at her lazily as he opens the door and he kisses her before the door is closed behind them. He doesn't give her a chance to speak before he all but carries her into his bedroom and kicks the door shut. She's sure there was something she wanted to talk about as he peels her coat away from her and tosses it on the floor. She can't help but giggle as he picks her up and tosses her onto his bed and as he's climbing on top of her and telling her how much he's missed her she knows that she's supposed to hate him right now but she doesn't remember why.
She hates that she only remembers later on. When it's too late, when she's already surrendered to him once again. It's almost morning now and he's just starting to fall asleep. She's spent enough nights with him now to know his routine. He always makes it a point to hold her after, and while she can't picture him cuddling with any other girl, she's happy he does with her. So he holds her, and he runs one hand through her hair while the other strokes up and down her back. He knows where she's ticklish, and if he still feels playful he lets his fingers graze those spots, saying he likes to hear her squeal. He whispers in her ear, tells her how incredible and beautiful she is. Sometimes, he talks about himself, about his life, about his father, all the things she's sure he's never said to anyone else. Tonight he tells her that he hates grape juice. She loves that he tells her such random things but she hates that she knows so much about him. Eventually though, his words fade away and she listens as his breathing evens out, signaling his sleep. This is Rory's favorite time of the night. When she can openly stare at him and revel in being the one wrapped up in his arms, and not act like it won't matter tomorrow when she sees him out with some random blonde. She hates that it matters.
She decides that tonight will be different. She's going to get up, get dressed and get out. And she's not going to come back, no matter how many times he calls her. She tells herself that tonight is closure, that it was her saying good-bye to him.
She moves to climb out of bed and he chooses that same moment to tighten his arms around her waist and nuzzle her neck. "It's nice when you're in my bed," he mumbles. He's still half asleep and she can't help but smile at his words and decides a few more minutes won't hurt her. A few minutes later she's still in his bed, only now he's completely awake and the more he kisses her, the more she thinks that things are going to be different this time. This time, he's going to be happy with her and only her.
She hates that she's lying to herself now.
She's happy for a whole two weeks before her world comes crashing down around her. The feeling she feels as she opens his bedroom door and sees another girl tangled in his sheets is unlike anything she's ever felt before and this time she's sure it's her heart breaking. She likes the fact that he at least looks properly horrified to see her standing there and he moves to… she's not what he's moving to do. Explain things? Remind her that they're not exclusive? Comfort her? She doesn't give him the chance. She slams the door in his face and runs from the room. She hates that she feels this way, she hates that she fooled herself into thinking it was different this time.
She hates that she let him see her cry.
She finds herself at the pub and Finn and Colin are more than happy to help her drown her sorrows in alcohol. Finn and Colin like Rory. They've affectionately labeled her Reporter Girl and they've spent a fair amount of time wondering why she's picked Logan over them though they already know the answer. They love the mood Logan's in just after he's spent time with her and they hate the way he treats her outside of his bedroom. They know she's good for him and they know he's scared to let her get too close.
Tonight they hate seeing her cry and she likes that they're being so nice to her. By the time Logan shows up an hour later, she's had more drinks than she can count and she's more than a little tipsy.
She tries to protest as he takes her by the elbow and pulls her from the table. She tells him she doesn't want to go outside and talk. They don't have anything to talk about and she reminds him that he's not bound to her by any rules; in fact, she tells him it's just the opposite. She tells him she should be the one to apologize and promises that she'll knock before entering his room next time. She sees something in his eyes that she doesn't think she's seen before and she wonders what makes him feel worse, the fact that he got caught or the fact that she's pretending not to care. She hates that she can't tell either way.
She loves the look on his face as she walks away from him and goes to talk to Marty, who looks surprised as she sits down next to him.
She doesn't know what fuels her actions more, the massive amount of alcohol Colin and Finn have poured down her throat or the determination to one-up Logan at his own game, but soon Rory finds herself back at her dorm, with her back pressed against the door. She giggles and fumbles for her keys as his lips crash down on her again. She kisses him back and tries not to notice how different his kisses are. They're rough, unpracticed kisses and she hates that she wishes it was Logan who was kissing her and not Marty.
She tries to tell herself that it's okay to do this. She finally gets the door open and they tumble inside. She leads him to the couch; she's not ready for anyone else to be in her bed right now. She feels bad as he whispers how long he's wanted to kiss her. She hates that she's using him to forget.
She loves the look that Logan gave her as they left the bar.
She hates that she's using Marty to make Logan jealous.
She loves that Logan is jealous. She loves that she finally won.
She hates that it's become a game. She hates that she's such a willing participant.
She hates the way Marty's hands feel on her skin.
She hates how sad he looks as she says good night and closes the door on him but she loves that she still manages to do the right thing.
Besides, she tells herself as she walks into her bedroom. Logan's still jealous and she still wins. She likes that a lot.
She doesn't count on him waiting for her outside her bedroom window and she hates herself as she pushes the window open and allows him to step in.
She'll deny it in the morning, when she's sober, but right now she loves that he's here.
He moves closer to her and she steps back. He moves forward again and gets the same results. He grins and takes one step closer, and as she moves back she trips against the edge of the bed and he catches her before she falls, and pulls her onto the bed with him.
He tells her he's glad she made it home safe and he's even happier that she's home alone. It's on the tip of her tongue to tell him that she had indeed brought Marty home with her but as usual, his actions are quicker than her thoughts and before she can stop him, he's kissing her and damn it, she's happy that she sent Marty away when she did. She tugs his shirt from his shoulders with little prodding from him and she tells herself that it's the alcohol making her do this, that she hasn't forgiven him and that after tonight she really will stay away. She'll nail the window shut herself if she has to.
She hates that she lets him get away with being with other girls but dear God; she loves how she feels when she's with him.
She hates it that once again he wins. He always wins.
She continues on with Logan for longer than she likes. She's never been much for crying, but lately, all she does is cry. Sure, there are nights when she feels on top of the world, but then she goes home and lies alone and she wonders how many other girls he's taking to see that same play, and if they too, get treated to ice cream in the middle of the night.
She's sick of feeling this way and she knows there's only one thing she can do. She comes to this brilliant realization while studying for her Russian Lit exam and she knows she should finish studying but she doesn't know how long her moment of clarity will last and before she knows it, she's on her way to Logan's dorm, and this time she knows she won't be distracted. He won't stop her from saying it this time.
She hates that this time she knows she's right.
Colin lets her in and he knows by the look in her eyes that something major is about to happen in her and Logan's relationship. He tells her that Logan is indeed alone in his room, but true to her word, she knocks and waits for his permission to walk in.
"I can't do this anymore," she says simply and she means it. She won't do this anymore. He listens as she rambles about not being that type of girl. She needs commitment and she needs monogamy and those are two words he's not familiar with. He doesn't move from his seat at his desk as she keeps talking. He's been waiting for this, he knew she would break sooner than later, and while he's not prepared, he knows what he has to do.
She hates that he stays calm because she's unraveling at both ends and he's not making any move to comfort her. She likes that he doesn't reach for her. She hates that she knows she'll break down if he does.
She really hates that his reaction to her rant is merely a terse nod of his head and the words, "Well, it's been fun Ace." She stares open-mouthed at him as he turns back to his computer and begins typing. She mutters a goodbye and doesn't wait for him to reply before leaving. She doesn't say goodbye to Colin as she walks out and then she feels bad, because she likes Colin and she's not sure if she'll see him again.
She decides she's happy as she walks back to her dorm. She loves that she finally put an end to this, she loves that she's strong enough to walk away.
It doesn't stop her from hating that he doesn't come running after her though.
She doesn't see him for almost a month and she's not sure if it's because she's doing such a great job of avoiding him or if he's avoiding her as well. She tries not to question it that much though, because she knows what happens when she thinks about him. She loves that she's finally gotten him out of her system. She loves that she's finally won.
She spots him one day, in the newsroom and she doesn't look away as he boldly stares at her. She holds his gaze for a moment and then smiles. She waits until he returns the smile and then turns back to her article. She steels herself for his next move because she knows he has one. She reminds herself that she's stronger now, that she's able to resist him and that she will. She has to.
She still clicks on the window when her computer signals she has a new message. She's aware that his eyes are on her so she's careful not to show any emotion as she reads his message. He misses her. She raises her eyes at him and shrugs slightly before typing her reply. She misses him too, but she'll survive. He smirks at this and she's curious as she watches his fingers fly over the keyboard and she hates that she's anxious to read his next message.
He invites her to get a cup of coffee. As friends of course. She loves and hates that he knows her weakness and she wishes she could say yes but she surprises herself as she types back to him. Thanks, but she's giving up coffee. He laughs out loud as he reads this and shakes his head at her. He rises from his chair and as he passes by her desk he tells her he'll be at the kiosk outside of her dorm if she changes her mind.
She watches him leave and loves that she knows that she'll stay right where she is.
She hates that he still smells good.
She doesn't know it until later, but this is round one of a new game he's challenged her to. For the next two weeks he pursues her relentlessly. He asks her out on dates, he calls her in the middle of the night. He pretends as though the last month never happened and everything is okay with them.
She's winning this time though, and she loves that. She turns down his dates and she leaves his phone calls unanswered. She even goes as far as to offer to set him up with her biology partner and she loves the look on his face when she does. She hates when he accepts her offer but she sets up the date anyways. She loves proving to him that she's done.
Before she realizes it, he's wormed his way back into her life. He tells her they're friends now, but she hears the mocking tone of his voice. She ignores it though, because as much as she hates to admit it, she still loves his company, and if she can't have him in her bed anymore, she'll settle for being his friend.
It's not easy though, because it's never easy with them. There are several occasions, usually at last call at the pub or as the party is winding down, where he asks her to come back to his room with him and more and more she's finding herself contemplating these offers.
She still says no. And she loves that she's held out this long. She hates that she knows it won't last.
Tonight she decides that if he asks, she'll say yes. They're at the pub and while she's not drunk, she's not sober either, and she can't help but notice how good he looks and he's directed more than one comment on how he thinks she looks and he's sitting closer to her than normal and well, she misses him. She hates that she does, but she's finding it hard to ignore it now.
The bartender calls last call and she's perplexed. Logan hasn't asked her to come home with him. In fact, she realizes she hasn't seen him in the last half hour and decides to look for him. If she's going to go down again, she's going to go down with a bang. She'll ask him to come home herself.
She finds him outside of the bar but she's not prepared for what she hears. He's on his phone, and he's very clearly making plans to meet up with another girl. She doesn't know what she's doing as she marches up to him and rips the phone from his hand and disconnects the call.
He's amused as he looks at her, and he tells her again that angry works for her. She's not sure what to say and he takes her silence as permission to kiss her. She loves the feel of his lips on hers and she hates that she wants him to kiss her.
She's not ready when he pulls away and she doesn't stop the whimper that falls from her mouth. He smirks at this and she hates that smirk. She always has. She's prepared for his next question and when he asks if it's going to be his place or hers she doesn't hesitate before answering. His.
She loves it that he takes her hand as he leads her back to his dorm.
She hates that he's going to win every game he plays with her.
She wishes she could say it's different this time. That things changed that night and she's the only girl welcome in Logan's bed now. He promises her that he doesn't want any other girl in his bed and she wants to believe him but she's sure it's only a matter of time before he gets bored.
She loves that he's making an effort but she hates that she doesn't trust him.
They spend most nights together now but there's always a stray night here or there and that's when her fears get the best of her. She lies awake in her bed and wonders where he is and whom he's with. She knows its her own fault, she knows she shouldn't have ever gone back to him and she knows he's not sleeping with anyone else, but it doesn't stop her from checking his pillows for strands of hair that aren't hers.
She loves that when she's in his bed, his sheets smell like her.
She hates that she smells the sheets to make sure.
He laughs at her now, and kisses her and reassures her that he's a one-woman man, but she knows better than to believe him. She smiles and nods, but she's still wary. She hates to admit it but she's her feelings have only grown when they should have disappeared and that's her little secret for now. She knows telling him will scare him. She doesn't want to scare him.
Besides, she's pretty sure he feels the same way, even if he refuses to admit it.
She loves that she's won.
She still hates it all, and if you ask her, she still can't tell you what she hates the most. He still waits until she's in the shower to leave and she still leaves before he wakes up. She hates that they've moved forward but they're still stuck in the same place.
She hates that she knows she'll never force him to change. She's having too much fun with him, and it's painfully clear that she can't be without him. She hates that he teases her about that from time to time but she loves knowing that secretly, he's just as lost without her.
What she really hates though is that she doesn't hate all of this as much as she should. She doesn't hate his arrogance. She doesn't hate his smirk. She doesn't even hate whiskey anymore. She hates what it all means. He still wins.
She loves him.