1Disclaimer: I don't own the Teen Titans so lets not try and sue me since I don't have anything to sue for.
Finding Hope Again
The cold winter air blew harshly threw the night as I wrapped my cloak tighter around my body instinctively rather than out of necessity. The cold no longer bothered me. I had become so very used to it.
Despite the terrible weather, I still couldn't help but smile at the city that lay before me as it lit up the dark night. It was a peaceful place, a happy place that I still fought to protect. Only me and Cyborg remained in the Tower, two people who had absolutely nowhere else to go yet could not leave the fight against injustice. In a way, it was our way of remembering her.
Five years. Five long years since we finally defeated my Father. Five years since I gained a pure soul not tainted by the malicious evil that was Trigon. Five years since I wasn't able to save Starfire. She died on that day, the final battle against Trigon. In a way, it was what pushed me past my limits, allowed me to become stronger than I had ever been before and to defeat my father. Seeing her die tore me apart and made me powerful at exactly the same time. I shuddered slightly as I remember our screams of her name as her body was incinerated in hellfire, leaving nothing but dust. Of all people in this universe, she least deserved to die. She was so joyful, so loving, so bright.
Even to this day, I still believe it should have been me that died that day but in the end, the endless guilt does nothing but make me miserable. I always thought the day I defeated my father would be the greatest day of my life. Instead it simply locked me into a never ending cycle of sadness and grief. I can cry freely now though I don't anymore. All my tears were used up the day she died. All my tears were used up during the months of grieving. My last tears were shed the day he left us.
Robin. It broke him, it really did. He created for himself an idealized world that needed Starfire to exist. He once confided in me the truth of what Starfire was to him. He was not in love with her as everyone believed though he did care for her beyond description. She was his light, his hope to keep fighting against the evil within as well as that which one would find on the streets. He fought to create a world where someone like Starfire could always be happy, always smiling never having to worry about some darkness taking it all away. In the end, the darkness took her away.
I don't think I ever saw him cry once following her death. He was cold, he was empty, he had lost his hope for a world that grew worse every day. Beast Boy and Cyborg found some comfort with each other following Starfire's death and I found comfort in Robin. I would sob relentlessly everyday and night, never allowing myself rest. It was Robin who kept me alive.
He would come into my room bringing food, water, and a shoulder to cry on. He would make me eat, force me to rest yet I doubt he himself did any of those things. Even as he held me as I cried, I never felt any warmth from him. His face always remained blank, emotionless as if he no longer felt nothing. He still understood emotions, I knew that because of the way he helped me, it was simply as if he couldn't feel them himself anymore. It was hard to look at though eventually I became so dependent on his presence that I started letting things go. I needed him there for me to sleep. I needed his arms around me so I could find a few moments of peace. I still felt guilty about using him like I did while he suffered in silence but I knew it wasn't completely my fault. I was unable to deal with my emotions at all then as just recently having total freedom with them. I would have died had it not been for him and I think we both knew that.
It was 6 months after her death that he left. He never told anyone good bye, not even me though I did see him one last time. I remember staring out my window that night. There was lightning but no thunder and no rain. I remember watching the illumination when I caught a solitary figure at the edge of the island. It was a black haired young man that I recognized all to well. He was looking up at my window as if knowing I was there. What shocked me was that his mask was nowhere to be seen nor his uniform. He wore normal, civilian clothes as he stood there. I remember whispering his name and as if he heard me, for the first time since her death, he smiled. It was a small, grim smile but it was there. There was sudden, blinding flash of lightning and when I could see again, Robin was gone.
However, I knew it was more than that. Robin wasn't just gone, Robin was dead. I somehow knew this would eventually happen though it still devastated me to know he left. Robin had lost his will to live, his reason to fight on, and so Robin died. Whoever he really was, the real man beneath the mask and costume still lived though and I prayed to every benevolent, higher being I had ever learned about in my years of study, that he would find a new reason to live and one day come back to us…back to me.
As time went on, Beast Boy started falling into depression. He became consumed over bringing Terra back from stone. He believed he owed it to Starfire's memory to save Terra since he couldn't save Starfire. He still managed to make jokes and play video games with Cyborg though we knew it was more of an act to try and make us happy. However, we both knew he would never be okay till he had freed Terra. It was two and half years after Starfire's death that he left. He told us he was going to travel the world, hell the entire universe if he had to find a cure for her. I did not cry when he left though I wanted to. I felt if I cried it would mean he would never come back. Thankfully, we did get a note from him every so often updating us on his progress. He was okay and always promised he would make it back home soon. It was one of the only things I had to look forward to.
Cyborg stayed with me at the tower. He spent most of his time building new machines and upgrading the security systems. Anything to help pass the time. At this point, the tower was practically an impenetrable fortress with all the upgrades he had made. We still spent quite a lot of time together though very little was said. I would help him design a new T-car, always with 6 seats as it should have been. Other times he would simply work on something else while I would read near him. We had a very close, unspoken sibling relationship. He was all the family I had around and I think I was the sister he had always wanted. I was someone for him to protect and that gave him a reason to keep going. I needed him just as much as he needed me. We were all that was left of a lost family.
Another gust of wind hit me, pulling me back to the reality of where I was. I realized that it was very late and that I should go inside. I rarely rested though I knew it was necessary. I had to be capable of concentrating enough incase someone decided to attack the city. I kind of chuckled to myself at that thought. Crime was almost nonexistent in Jump City now, almost as if the day Starfire died, the major criminals decided to give us a very long vacation from having to deal with them. The only one who ever showed up anymore was Jonny Rancid but he was just a complete jerk and both me and Cyborg enjoyed venting our frustration on him. Sometimes it did get pretty ugly.
I walked down the dark staircases toward my room. On the way I passed Starfire's room and smiled at some random memory of her. Her room was exactly the way it had been the day she died, minus Silkie sleeping in there. The little guy simply faded away when Starfire never returned. He only made it two weeks before he was buried next to Starfire's memorial in the heart of the city, his own little grave for her beloved Silkie. In a way the room was a memorial to her as well. It was a memorial to the brave, selfless, and beautiful alien princess who would be forever innocent even though we all continued to grow up and grow cold.
I eventually found myself in my room and walked in. It still was dark, just as it had been 5 years ago when I was still a young though it had matured as I had. I took off my cloak and hung it up in my closest. I still wore my leotard even though Cyborg constantly joked with me about how it was far too tight and revealing for someone who had developed as he called them, such dangerous curves. I looked at myself in the mirror each day and knew he was right but I couldn't change my uniform. I couldn't bring myself to change the last thing from my past.
I crawled into bed and put my head on my pillow. I adjusted my hair which was now past my shoulders so it was out of my face. I guess I didn't realize how tired I was because I was almost instantly asleep, completely without dreams.
When I woke up, I quickly realized something was wrong. I wasn't even sure how I got into this situation without waking up and noticing. I no longer was sleeping on my pillow but rather was resting my head against someone's chest and two arms were firmly wrapped around me holding me tightly there. The only movement was his chest going up and down steadily. I wasn't even breathing I was so shocked as to what was going on.
I realized I should have been terrified at that moment. I knew I should have unleashed my powers on this potentially dangerous person but somehow I couldn't. This person felt familiar though the warmth I was feeling from what I assumed to be a man because of the chest was something new. It felt good. I carefully concentrated my mind trying to use my mental powers to get a read on this person but found his mind was completely blocked off. It took an incredible will and training to be able to do that. As if knowing what I was doing, the man opened a small part of his mind revealing a single name to make his identity known. Robin.
I felt something build inside my chest that I hadn't felt truly for so very long, happiness. I slowly pushed myself free of his arms so that I was sitting up. I took in the man who sat with his has back to my headboard on my bed, the man who was one the boy named Robin. He was dressed completely in black and it was clear he had grown up. He looked very much taller and more built. His hair was long and once again he worse a mask across his face. His face had matured greatly and I was sure I saw a few scars on his face. It almost looked like he was asleep.
I managed to mutter out Robin though I could barely even believe what was going on here. I really should have slapped him for doing something as creepy as crawling into bed with me but I was just so happy to see him again. Upon hearing Robin spoken by me, he turned his head slowly so that he was looking into my eyes or so I thought. His face was just as blank as I remembered it though rather than feeling cold radiating off him, I did feel his warmth.
"Hello Raven and I go by Nightwing now."