Disclaimer: Olivia, Elliot and SVU belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The lyrics from Behind These Hazel Eyesbelong to Kelly Clarkson.
A/N - ANGST baby! Yes it's a little OOC, andsomewhat AU but I heard the song and thought it would make a good story. This is how it turned out. Based VERY HEAVILY on the song by Kelly Clarkson – Behind These Hazel Eyes. Cliché, but I hope you still enjoy. PLEASE review. I'm emotionally needy.
Never Gonna See Me Cry
It's only been a few months but it feels like years. On top of that, it seems I hear this teeny-bopper song everywhere. Wouldn't bother me so much if it didn't so exactly fit my mood, and it's almost to the letter what happened between us.
It wasn't yesterday, it was two months ago yesterday. It had taken such a long time. Six years to be exact. You were my partner all those years, and with you I could stand tall, be strong because you were a part of me. You had my back.
Then you told me you'd separated from your wife. I was elated, and I was dismayed. Yours was the relationship I'd been depending on working, so that at least there was some hope for me. You came over late one night, just to talk as you'd done so often before.
I let you in. Within minutes your arms were around me, you held me tight and damn if it didn't feel as though it was always meant to be. Nothing could separate us, nothing could come between us, nothing was going to go wrong.
Guess what! I can no longer sleep, I can barely breathe, and to be honest, it's all I can do to hold on. Going to work has become a nightmare, cause that's where you are. I have to smile, pretend nothing's wrong.
Everyday, my insides are being torn into smaller pieces, because I was sure you were the one. There's this knot inside me, like a fist around my insides. I'm not gonna let you win though. You'll NEVER see me cry.
You already knew almost everything about me, but lying in the afterglow, I told you my heart. It was more frightening that making love with you that first night. For a few months everything was right, and for the first time in forever every single thing was perfect.
Now, all that you see is what I'm letting you see. Yeah I'm smiling. Yeah I'm pretending it's nothing. Yeah I've "moved on" whatever the fuck that means anyway. But I'm still broken inside, that knot hasn't loosened up at all, and I still can't sleep, and breathing seems so hard when you walk in. It's all I can do to hang on, but what choice do I really have?
Another day over, and I get home only to collapse into tears. The days don't get easier, and I know you're beginning to notice something's not quite right.
All the things I believed, all the things you LET me believe. You're not the one. Oh, why aren't you the one?
So I'm breaking, broken. But no matter what, I'm not gonna let you see me cry. It ain't gonna happen, but then again, what's to say you'd even care?
It's taken me so long to get this far. Most nights I no longer cry. I hate you, but I hate myself even more, so I can't even blame you. I thought at this age there wasn't supposed to be this kind of angst anymore. Hey, guess I was wrong.
What's left? A job where I still have to be your partner. Hey, I'd ask for a transfer, if it didn't involve telling you why, cause that'd just make me cry.
So, here I am. A shell of who I used to be. But I'm Olivia Benson. And be damned if you're EVER gonna see me cry! I love you Elliot Stabler, but you're not EVER gonna see me cry.