Amanda/Artiste: I know, I know... I've been ridiculously slow in updating this story. Sorry but I wanted to wait until some motivation struck. Then I realized, heh, I already had pretty much this entire chapter ready to post. *cringe* But if you kindhearted readers will agree to spare me I can go ahead and tell ya that there's only about three chapters left. Good news is I've got the ending all worked out. Bad news is...I'm having difficulty finding time to type out all my notes. Still, the story MUST go on! (And on and on and on...)
Chapter Eight: The Bluesome Twosome
The startled anti-fairy fell instantly to the surprise attack.
"And that was just a warning shot, you ignorant boob!" Anti-Cosmo shouted to the black caped being pushing himself off the floor.
A pair of purple eyes widened at the sound of that voice—his voice!
"So…" Anti-Wandissimo narrowed his eyes and turned to glare over his shoulder, "we meet again, amigo."
"What're you talkin' about?" Anti-Wanda floated forward waving her arms. "We sees each other almost every time me and my Anti-Cosmo goes to visit my sister!"
Anti-Cosmo sighed while his rival slapped his face in frustration, "It's called 'being dramatic', dear, and it makes for a more suspenseful fight scene. So just…play along. Alright?"
"Okie dokie!" the twit nodded, clueless as ever.
"Hello?" Anti-Wandissimo tapped his foot impatiently. "Can we stop with the talking for now and get on with the climatic battle of evil vs.—err—eviler!"
"Is that even a word?" Anti-Wanda blinked.
"Oh keep your poofy shirt on , you dolt! You'll get your defeat!"
"And speakin' of de feet," Anti-Wanda smiled toothily and raised her wand, "it's time for my post-noon snack! Yippee! I always did likes to munch on a peanut butter and sardine sammich while watchin' a fight."
The two anti-fairy opponents readied their wands and prepared to charge each other when Timmy raced in between them. "STOP!"
Anti-Cosmo skidded to a midair halt and glared at him angrily. "Oh what is it, child?! Can't you see I'm about to thrash this boob?!"
"You two can't fight in the middle of the cafeteria!" the twelve-year-old exclaimed.
"And why not?" his temporary godfather huffed, "It's not like anyone can see us!"
To prove his point Anti-Cosmo floated over to Chester and rapped him on the head with his wand.
"OW!" the blond exclaimed, first annoyed and then confused when he couldn't spot the culprit. "Hey…who did that?" Teal eyes widened fearfully, "Oh no! It's the curse of that kid with the G-name again! The school's still haunted! AAAHHH!!!"
Timmy watched with half-lidded eyes as his friends fled their table screaming like lunatics. "Okay, so you've got a point there. But you still can't have a battle in here! It's too dangerous! You can still cause damage and someone might get hurt!"
"Oh spare me your incessant whining, Timmy." Anti-Cosmo rolled his eyes, "If it'll shut your trap we'll take our duel outside."
One Anti-Poof! later the three bad luck creatures were gone.
"Turner!" Timmy spun around to see his rich rival approaching. "What's going on?! Where's my temporary godfather?"
"Wait a minute," blue eyes widened, "you've got an anti-fairy godparent too?"
"Well of course I do, urchin." Remy gestured to himself snootily, "I'm the upper crust, and I possess the magic of money! So naturally I would have anything you have, including your privileges—only better!"
Timmy's brow furrowed, "Oh yeah?! Well I've got two and-! No wait! We don't have time for this! We've gotta get out there and stop our temporary godparents from fighting each other or Jorgen might show up and lock them away in prison…again!"
"No!" Remy gasped, "Then we'd be godparentless!"
Timmy was already halfway to the door when he paused to wave for Remy to follow, "C'mon!"
The three anti-fairies arrived on the front lawn of the school wearing identical smirks of malice.
"Choose your weapon, señor." Anti-Wandissimo called as he reached for the one he had strapped to his side, "As for me, I will be using my trusty sword!"
"Then you're even more dimwitted than I thought!" Anti-Cosmo chided and drew his wand.
Anti-Wandissimo's smirk grew sly, "Do not underestimate me, for over the millennia I too have perfected my techniques. You are strong señor, but years upon years of training for this day have made me a MASTER swordsman!"
"Too bad it was all for naught!" his unfazed opponent grinned wickedly, "In case you've forgotten I am the most powerful being in all of Anti-Fairy World!"
Anti-Wanda took another bite of her sandwich as the tip of her husband's wand flashed yellow in a surge of magic.
Her one-time boyfriend stood cringing in place with his eyes shut tight. After several seconds of nothing happening he chanced a peak. "Ha! You missed!"
But Anti-Cosmo was far from dismayed. "Oh I think not, old friend."
His opponent coughed and swatted at the blue smoke encircling him. When he locked eyes with Anti-Cosmo again he was shocked to find that he had to do so—through the bars of a CAGE?!
"What?! What is going on here?" he floated about in a panic only to find himself repeatedly bouncing off enchanted metal bars in the tiny enclosure.
A bout of evil laughter drew his attention to Anti-Cosmo. "Allow me to introduce you to—the FUN BOX!"
Purple eyes widened in terror.
"Oo! Oo!" Anti-Wanda (who had just finished the last half of her sandwich in one gulp) waved excitedly on the sidelines, "I knows this one! Can I? Can I, sug?!"
Anti-Cosmo nodded obligingly and made a sweeping gesture toward his captive. "Take it away, my dim beloved!"
His swirly haired wife zipped over to where Anti-Wandissimo remained trapped and started singing:
"Fun Box! Ohs Fun Box!
Small an' square an' dark!
Fun Box! Ohs Fun Box!
Checks out these cool Fun Locks! Yeehaw!"
"Oh bravo! Bravo!" Anti-Cosmo applauded as she finished her song by piling a heap of heavy metal locks onto the cage.
"Aw shucks," Anti-Wanda blushed. "T'weren't nothin'."
The couple turned to see the spoiled, rich child rushing out the double doors in search of his godfather. Behind him their own charge followed, "Hey Remy! Wait up!" Timmy panted. "I thought you said walking was for poor people?!"
"Desperate times call for desperate measures, Turner!" Remy declared.
"Ah, so the brats finally arrive." Anti-Cosmo remarked. "And just in time to miss all the action!"
"Anti-Wandissimo!" Remy cried when he spotted his caged godfather. "What have they done to you?!"
"Nothing worse than what that brute Jorgen will do to him once he discovers he's been neglecting his duties and hauls him back to the fairy 'hoosegow'."
"It is not true!" the black haired anti-fairy exclaimed as his eye began to twitch. "There was…singing!"
"Ahahahaha! Yes indeed!" the evil genius cackled. "And now Timmy, we must return you to your lessons and leave my victory celebration for after school."
"Cuz we don't want Jorgen to come and drag us back to jail!" Anti-Wanda chimed in.
"Exactly." Anti-Cosmo floated after his wife and temporary godchild, calling back over his shoulder, "Later, old bean! Perhaps next time we do battle you'll be able to present me with an actual challenge! Ahahahaha!!!"
With his hands clutching the bars as though they were wrapped around a certain anti-fairy's neck Anti-Wandissimo growled darkly and watched their retreating forms. Suddenly his anger dissipated, only to be replaced by a mischievous smirk. "So Anti-Cosmo, you believe that you are the most powerful being in all of Anti-Fairy World? Well, allow me to prove you wrong!"
"Right after we call a good locksmith." Remy sighed.
After school Timmy started off for home with his anti-fairy godparents.
"Ya know," he spoke up during the walk, "I have to admit, for a couple of troublemaking bad luck pests you two have been pretty good godparents. A lot better than Jeff."
"Who's Jeff?" Anti-Wanda blinked.
"Oh I quite agree with you Timmy." Anti-Cosmo zipped down flashing a congenial grin. "This experience hasn't been nearly as excruciatingly tedious or unbearably idiotic as I'd anticipated."
Anti-Wanda grunted, "Did ya forget about the part where we gots fried up like fish sticks?"
Her husband was quick to slap a hand over her mouth. "Oh yes! Ahaha! Quite amusing really. Yes, I can look back on it fondly now and laugh. Ha. Ha. See?!"
Timmy arched an eyebrow at his godfather's new creepily cheerful attitude. "Yeah...whatever."
The conversation ceased until they reached the privacy of Timmy's room. Exhausted from another grueling, yet somewhat atypical, day of school the twelve-year-old flopped down on his bed and stared at the ceiling. "I guess all those times you disappeared today had something to do with Remy and Anti-Wandissimo, right?"
"You got it!" his godmother chirped.
"What can we say Timmy," Anti-Cosmo shrugged, "where bad luck goes we must follow!"
"Oh very good, my deli delicacy!" he applauded her correct usage and pronunciation of the term. "You astound me yet again with your trek from idiocy to below average intelligence!"
Anti-Cosmo sighed while Timmy snickered. "It's a slow process."
The sudden sound of pecking at his window made Timmy jump. "Hey! It's that owl that delivered the high school reunion invitation to Cosmo and Wanda!"
He opened the window and took the envelope from its talons. "Sorry dude, no leprechauns."
The two anti-fairies watched in confusion as the delivery bird flew off in a huff.
"Well, that was unusual."
"What'cha got there?" Anti-Wanda questioned.
"I dunno," Timmy tore open the envelope and pulled out something that looked suspiciously like a report card. "Huh? What's this?"
"Oh no!" Anti-Cosmo gasped and snatched the paper away, "It's our progress report!"
"Our rehabilitation progress report!" the evil genius snapped while his wife floated over to peek.
"Hey! Accordin' to this thing we's almost met our bonding requirement!"
Timmy stared blankly, "That's good, right?"
"Yes, but we're way below in wish-granting," Anti-Cosmo warned, "and that's bad!"
"Oops indeed," he crossed his arms and glared at Turner in aggravation. "If we don't meet every requirement in the program we won't be able to escape a return trip to jail. So step it up with those wishes child. We have to meet that quota!"
"Okay, okay!" Timmy waved his hands to signal everyone to stay calm. "How much longer do we have?"
His godfather skimmed the fine print at the bottom of the report. "According to this, progress reports are given at the midway point of the program. Which means we only have a few days left to heighten our scores."
"And our goody-good doubles are gonna be back from that conference thingy soon!" Anti-Wanda reminded them.
"Right, well first thing's first. Timmy-"
The godchild turned his attention back to Anti-Cosmo.
"-we're going to finish up the last of that stupid bonding requirement. Then we can move on to the wishing!"
"Aw," Turner's shoulders drooped, "I was afraid you were gonna say that."
The anti-fairy ignored him as he tried to find his place in the story. "Now let's see, we've already discussed our first meeting, my short rivalry with Anti-Wandissimo, and the climatic battle that ended with my inevitable and utterly certain VICTORY..."
"And how I wound up goin' back to your side!" Anti-Wanda added.
"Quite right," her husband smirked. "Why not cap it off with the story of our first kiss?"
Timmy's face turned a sickly shade of green. "Bleck!"
The anti-fairies nearly blew chunks of their own before Anti-Cosmo managed to poof the mess away.
"Do try to refrain from barfing like a pregnant fairy." he shuddered. "We're godparents not janitors."
"Then why don't you try to come up with something a little less nauseating to talk about? Huh??" Timmy countered. "This lovey dovey stuff is just—sick!"
"Well what do ya wanna hear about then?" his godmother demanded.
Timmy tapped a finger to his chin for a moment in thought. "Hm...well, if you guys have to ramble on about your pasts, why don't you tell me about something more exciting?"
"Exciting?" Anti-Cosmo repeated blandly.
"Yeah! Something with lots of action and suspense! Like in the movies!"
The two anti-fairies exchanged a long look. Finally, Anti-Cosmo spoke, "I suppose we could do that."
"Oo! Tell him about the time we had to go on the run cuz Jorgen made us Public Enemies Number One!"
Timmy sported a buck-toothed smile. "That sounds promising."
"Very well," his godfather consented, "after all, it is a thrilling story."
…Flashback (Anti-Cosmo POV)...
It happened not long after our graduation from Carl Poofy Pants Anti-Fairy High. We left the cap and gown ceremony with diplomas in our hands and mischief in our hearts!
Anti-Wanda and I had been causing a fair amount of trouble in Fairy World since we began dating our freshman year. Of course over time our pranks had become more outlandish and we had grown daring in our choice of targets.
"He means the way we kept playin' tricks on ol' Jorgen von Strangle!"
Indeed! The big buffoon became a favorite of ours. His booming reactions were always fun to watch (from a safe distance of course) and the way the veins would protrude from his neck was sheer hilarity!
Unfortunately, we were soon to find out that there was a price to pay for launching our antics against the lead authority of Fairy World (under the Fairy Council).
As I said, Anti-Wanda and I had just graduated high school and we decided to celebrate by performing an invigorating montage of pranks against our old friend Jorgen.
First we snuck through the boundary which separates Fairy World from ours. You know it as: The Anti-Fairy Zone. Of course Jorgen had long since located and sealed the hole we'd been using but, being an evil genius, it was still a simple enough obstacle for me to overcome.
"We's waited til shift change!"
We began by camping outside his house with a ladder meticulously placed in front of the door. Sure enough, when the big dope came out for his afternoon drills (after watching, of all things, soaps) he stepped right into our trap!
"You kicked off your big scheme by tricking Jorgen into walking under a ladder?"
"Of course child! We are anti-fairies after all! And it's bad luck!"
"Really tasty bad luck! Mm-mm!"
Jorgen took a few steps out the front door when his eyes shot open in realization. Whipping around he spotted the ladder and furrowed his brow angrily. "Darn it!"
My beloved and I snickered from the cloud we were using as cover.
"Get it? Cloud. Cover. Cloud cover! Ahahaha!"
"I don't get it, sug."
"I do, but it's lame."
"Hmph! Well pardon me for trying to add a bit of witty humor to this tale!"
Anyway, we snickered in anticipation of the hothead blowing his top when...
"Those painters forgot to clean up their equipment again!" he shook his fist in misdirected irritation. "I shall have to remind them by sending it back with an angry letter—of PAIN!"
My jaw dropped.
"What in tarnation just happened?" Anti-Wanda exclaimed beside me.
"It would appear that we have to step up our game, dearest. But don't worry, I have the perfect plan!"
Raising my wand I poofed up a slippery puddle by Jorgen's feet.
He took a step forward, slipped "AAAHHHH!!", and fell!
Priceless! Not only did the boob land flat on his back, probably cracking that thick skull of his, but his fall created a series of cracks all along the sidewalk too!
"Oooh," the once five-star fairy general sat up and rubbed the back of his head, "what a headache. That was very bad luck."
When the severity of the situation finally dawned on him his pupils shrank to pinpricks. Anti-Wanda and I quite enjoyed watching the muscular brute stand on tiptoe and glance fearfully at the hundreds of cracks surrounding him.
"Oh no!" he gasped, "I must avoid stepping on these cracks at all cost! Or something terrible will happy to my mommy!!"
While it was entertaining to watch the self-proclaimed 'toughest fairy in the universe' step daintily around the sea of cracks our thirst for bad luck was far from quenched.
"Watch this, Anti-Wanda. I'm going to give that pea brained narcissist the scare of his life!"
Blue eyes warily shifted toward the source of the noise. There, right over his shoulder, a large black spider lowered itself from a cloud overhead and waved one of its eight hairy appendages.
Of all the sounds I've ever heard the buffoon make, the most alarming of all (and my personal favorite) was:
The oaf backed away so hastily that he wound up tripping over his shoelaces!
"And I bet he landed right on all those cracks you had him make."
"Good guess Timmy! Indeed he did! And it took him less than a second to realize it!"
"GAH! The cracks! Bad luck! MOMMY?!"
Anti-Wanda and I were in stitches by then!
"Oh that was a good one, hon!" she praised between bouts of laughter. "And ol' Mama von Strangle's probably achin' from the neck down after that mess a bad luck just now."
"Ha! And I'm just getting warmed up!"
To make a long, hilariously evil story short, Jorgen panicked and tried to race to his mother's house on foot only to be mauled by a pack of black cats!
"They was angry on the count of Anti-Cozzie went and poofed up a rain cloud to get 'em all wet just before Jorgen crossed paths with 'em!"
Then, once he got there, he came barging through the door spilling an industrial sized container of salt as big as an oil barrel!
"Put in place by yours truly while Anti-Cozzie was a poofin' up that rain cloud!"
And to top it all off, when he went to charge into the living room to pull his injured mother off the floor—he wound up smacking into a giant, wall-sized mirror by mistake! AHAHAHA!!
"It broke up into a gillion pieces!"
"What about Jorgen's mom?"
"Oh she was lying in the living room alright. Quite in pain and calling out for help-"
"HELP! I've fallen and I can't get up!"
"-but her little Jorgy was in no position to help."
"Oooww..." a deep voice moaned painfully from the kitchen.
"My Anti-Cosmo sure can cook up a mean dish a bad luck when he gets a goin'!"
"Oh man, haha, I bet Jorgen was ticked."
"You might say that..."
"GARGH!!!" he popped out of the pile of broken glass sporting cuts, bruises, gashes, and cat hair. "WHEN I FIND THE PERSON WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS HORRENDOUS STREAK OF BAD LUCK I'M HAVING—I WILL CRUSH THEM INTO PIXIE DUST!!"
In retrospect, perhaps laughing out loud while floating in the doorway to Mother von Strangle's house wasn't such a good idea.
Naturally, we gasped.
"Uh-oh!" my wide-eyed beloved exclaimed, no doubt noting the infuriated expression on our red-faced target, "The jig's up! We better run for it!"
We flew off in a panic with Jorgen right on our heels!
"PUNY ANTI-FAIRIES!" the brute exclaimed while raising his wand like a dumbbell on the front stoop. "NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO, NO MATTER HOW FAR YOU FLY, I WILL FIND YOU AND IMPRISON YOU BOTH—FOREVER!!"
"Ha! You'll have to catch us first!" I called back as Anti-Wanda and I zoomed up into the sky.
…End Flashback (Normal POV)...
"Anti-Cosmo, Anti-Wanda," Jorgen narrowed his eyes and stared off in the direction of Anti-Fairy World as his dramatic close-up began, "from this moment on, consider yourselves the most wanted couple in Fairy World!"
"And from that moment on," Anti-Wanda boasted, "we became the most popular couple in Anti-Fairy World!"
"But you ticked off Jorgen," Timmy pointed out.
"True," Anti-Cosmo agreed, "and he sent every fairy soldier at his disposal after us."
"And he offered a big reward to anybody that could catch us and bring us in!"
"Even anti-fairies can be bought." Anti-Cosmo explained matter-of-factly. "So we had to be on guard. For our next mischievous act could be our last!"
"So what'd you do?"
"The only thing we could do," Anti-Wanda informed her godchild, "HIDE!"
…Flashback (Anti-Wanda POV)...
With that jarhead on our tails we had to lay low and keep dunkin' and dartin' deeper an' deeper into Anti-Fairy World. There was wanted posters of us a posted up EVERYWHERE!
I was all in a panic and relyin' on Anti-Cosmo to figure a way outta the mess we was in. "What'll we do, sug?"
"We'll have to find somewhere to hide until this whole mess blows over."
He propped his hands on his hips in that know-it-all pose he likes to strike whenever he's explainin' somethin' to folks what he thinks is dumber than he is...which is pretty much everybody. "Well we can't hide out at my house! After years of home schooling my mother's eager enough to be rid of me. Imagine if she finds out there's a REWARD!"
"Hm, I guess we could go hide at my folks' ranch. They're not likely to go a turnin' us in. And you can meets my little sister too!"
Anti-Cosmo looked a might less excited about the idea than I was. "Very well, dearest. For the sake of our freedom I'll," he cringed like he'd just eaten a bad ear o' corn, "meet your parents."
To be continued...