Authors Note: I've written parody stories very similar to this before in my previous incarnation as a Stargate SG-1 fanfic writer and they were all very well received, so I thought I'd try my luck with a Harry Potter themed one. Hopefully it will be as well liked as my others! If the reception is good, I'll post more…
I've always had the impression that Hermione is one of those people who presents a wonderful façade of outer calm whilst being an emotional hurricane on the inside. If only we could see what's inside her head…
Just for the record, I don't own anything related to Harry Potter or Bridget Jones, more's the pity.
Hermione Granger's Diary
School Year's Resolutions:
Refrain from alienating Harry
Refrain from killing/getting caught maiming Malfoy
Avoid being killed by Voldemort/Death Eaters
Stop fantasising about random cute wizards
Annoy Slytherins as much as possible
Have decided to start diary for self, after finishing reading excellent muggle book 'Bridget Jones' Diary' over the summer. Realise that traditionally diaries should be started on first of January rather than September, but decided that since am a witch and so am unconventional anyway, it wouldn't hurt.
Today was the first day of term at Hogwarts. Day started in typically cringe-worthy fashion, when realised that couldn't find brush, hair bobble or even watch. Am sure that wasn't so badly organised in previous years. Will put it down to whole 'Wizarding War' thing, as am sure that the constant threat of being 'Avada-Kedavra'-ed into the middle of next week is a good enough reason to misplace a couple of personal belongings. Wish that was at Hogwarts already as could then use a handy 'Accio' to find them, but know that cannot. Sigh.
Finally found hairbrush and bobble but gave up on watch, as was going to be late for catching Hogwarts Express. Left message with Mom to forward said time-telling implement if it was found and hurtled at quick-near-illegal speeds in Dad's car to Kings Cross.
Increased embarrassment ensued once reached station, as was forced to back of v. long queue to get through barrier onto platform 9 ¾ and so practically fell onto own face jumping onto train on time before it left. Only upside is that don't think anyone saw self in such compromising position. Have decided on extra resolution: do not embarrass self. Ha; easier said than done.
Located Harry and Ron with surprising ease considering fortunes in day so far. Bought food from trolley, also without incident, and was beginning to think that day may not be so bad when carriage was invaded by slimy-grot-bag-Malfoy and goons. Would think that Slytherins would learn to stop messing with Gryffindors, but seems they do not. Expect attempted retribution from them at point in future.
Time passed fairly slowly, but since was without watch it was impossible to tell exactly what time was. Felt that it would be violating 'do not embarrass self' resolution to ask time from Harry or Ron, since it would mean admitting to loss of watch, and thus to own disorganised state. Both aforementioned wizards have not lost their watches, so seems beyond careless that have managed to lose own.
Managed to make it through rest of journey and Sorting Feast without needing watch or embarrassing self unduly. Only had to avoid question of time once from Parvati Patil, when managed to distract attention by commenting on how silver Dumbledore's beard is this year. Think Parvati now considers self to be slightly crazy, but never mind.
Have resolved to get watch ASAP before anyone, especially self, can convey this opinion to general student population.
Watches received from home: 0
Number of occasions asked for the time by other students: 6
Number of occasions asked for the time by staff: 2
Still have not received watch from home. Am hoping that will receive it soon, otherwise will be forced to buy new one. Was asked for time eight times in total today, twice by Parvati. First time managed to make up a time based on guesswork of how much time had elapsed since last saw clock in previous classroom, but second time was forced to invent diverting remark again, mentioning how long Snape's hair has gotten over the holidays. Reckon that Parvati now thinks that self has obsession with male members of staff, especially after was also asked time by Flitwick and could only turn slightly pink and mutter about the weather.
In other news, have noticed v. cute Ravenclaw from seventh year walking corridors near Gryffindor common room. Know that should not ogle wizards when am constantly telling Ron/Harry that girls are people not objects of lust, but cannot help self when cute targets present themselves. Also feel slightly guilty about noticing 'other boys' when am with Harry and Ron, as feel certain loyalty to them, as if should spend time noticing them instead. Difficulties, difficulties.
Watches received: 0 (bad)
Cute Ravenclaw names discovered: 0 (v. bad)
Times almost hit Malfoy but thought better of it: 25 (good)
Still no sign of elusive timepiece. Feel that am destined to never again know what time it is, and shall always be late to all engagements. This is v. annoying, as was previously known for punctuality. Have resolved that will order new watch tomorrow by owl post. May even get self wizarding watch!
On upside, have not been asked time at all today; entire student body and staff must by now have come to conclusion that am more-than-reluctant to share such information with anyone, even my closest friends. Can almost hear conspiracy theories from here. 'Voldemort to be stopped by not knowing what time it is!' perhaps, or even better: 'Harry Potter in time-mystery shocker!'
Have seen the v. cute Ravenclaw three more times since earlier in week, twice in library. Wonder if is possible that v. cute Ravenclaw is following self, like slightly-obsessive-quidditch-playing Krum? Is probably too much to hope for.
Watches ordered: 1
Watches discovered in suitcase: 1
Cute Ravenclaws spotted: 0 :(
In tradition of muggle 'Murphy's Law', finally found own watch less than ten minutes after sending order for new one. Is typical, but to be expected. Own watch was in pocket of jacket that had been wearing day before packing for Hogwarts. Most annoying thing is that once here, could have easily 'Accio'ed watch into own hand, only had thought that watch was still at home so didn't even try.
Have sent owl home to call off the search for the renegade timepiece, but have decided not to cancel order for new wizarding watch, as reckon it will be fun to have.
Have not seen v. cute Ravenclaw today, which is v. disappointing. Find self wanting to spend even more time than usual in Library in hopes of catching glimpse of him, but at same time realise that is probably best if do not. Must repeat to self that crushes are not good, as they distract self from other important tasks such as doing homework, correcting Harry/Ron when they are wrong and staying one step ahead of Malfoy's plans to torment first years. Still, would be a shame not to at least find out his name…
On topic of Malfoy, feel compelled to note that said slimy-grot-bag-Slytherin seemed in particularly foul mood today. Hope that he ate something that disagreed with him for breakfast, or that he has caught a forty-eight hour bug. Or even a forty-eight week bug. In fact, probably wouldn't complain if phantom-illness lasted for Malfoy's entire life. Chances are probably on a par with Voldemort developing a taste for ballet and living out the remainder of the war dressed in a pink tutu, but never mind.
Now have mental picture of Voldemort in pink tutu, being tossed lightly around the stage by Death Eaters in pink lycra tights. Ew, Lucius Malfoy in pink lycra. Not a good image.
Seeing as how now have own watch back and can see that is past midnight, should probably get to bed and sleep. And hopefully not dream of evil wizards re-enacting Swan Lake.