Disclaimer: Don't own these characters. It's weird seeing Paige be angry and bitter. R/R if you like it.
What makes a person who they are? I wonder about it sometimes, think about it while lying in the darkness of my room. Is it their DNA, the home they grew up in, the people they hang around with? There are so many layers to a person. You can't always go by what's on the surface. That's a lesson I grew up learnin'. Sometimes I wonder whether or not I learned it well enough. I mean if I did learn it well enough then I should give you another chance. But sympathy and understanding only goes so deep and so far. There are times when giving someone another chance is more than you can give.
They say that beauty is only skin-deep. It's a stupid cliché, one that comes from the fact that people can only accept what they see on the outside. But I guess in some cases that's true. People can look real nice on the outside and be rotten on the inside. And in some cases, well, the skin is deeper than it should be. I wonder sometimes if that's what happened with you, Jono. You've got a lot of layers to you. You cover yourself up in them to hide the person inside. You wrap tight bandages around the holes in you, the one in your body and the one inside you. It's funny I guess. You keep adding layers and layers and all I wanna do is rip them all away. You keep acting like you're a monster, like you're uglier than sin. Maybe you are ugly inside but that doesn't matter to me because it's you. That's what I wanna see when I rip away the bandages you've slapped over the hole inside you. I don't care what I see. I don't care if it's sorrow or anger or joy or love. I wanna see you, all of you, Jono.
Correction, I did want to see all of you. But the only side you wanted to show me was the ugly side. Maybe in your case the reverse of the old saying is true. Maybe I have to rip all the skin away before I see the beauty in you. I'm pretty good with rippin' skin off. But you'd never let me close enough to do that, Jono. You like your real self the way it is, wrapped up and suffocated in those thick, leather bandages. It hurts me inside, Jono. If I could rip away enough of my skin maybe I could find the place where it hurts me and rip that away too. I cared about you; I loved you. Don't you get that? Didn't that count for anything?
Or maybe you did get that. Maybe the problem wasn't me loving you but was you not loving yourself. You don't love yourself, Jono. You never will and because of that you'll never let anyone else love you. It's sad how people get sometimes. People like to put each other in holes but it's sad when you get stuck in a hole that you put yourself in. You made your hole, Jono, now you can wallow in it. You can tell me it's my fault or you can say that it was your appearance. It was you, Jono. It'll always be you and there's nothing I can do to change it.
It irritates me so much. Even now that I'm trying to have a relationship with Warren I still can't stop thinking about that night and that kiss that almost was. I can't stop thinking about Thanksgiving. I can't stop thinking about how jealous you acted when I was interested in other boys or how jealous I was when other girls were attracted to you. I can't stop thinking that maybe if I just give it another chance or try just a little bit harder you and I could still work it out and be together. I can't stop thinking about you, Jonothon Evan Starsmore, and it's driving me insane. Every time I think I'm done and ready to move on this little voice in the back of my head keeps telling me to give you another chance. But I think I've let you hurt me enough. I don't go for masochism, that's more your style. So why do I keep thinking of you? I guess I'll never really know just like I'll never really understand why we can't be together. Maybe I'm not who I thought I was. Maybe that was just another layer of skin. I'll tell you the truth though, Jono. I'll tell it to you as I sit here in my room and write this all while still thinking of you. I'm a very understanding and patient person but nobody gets under my skin like you do, Jonothon Starsmore.