Goodbye, Mary Sue

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings and I most certainly do not own Mary Sue. I'm just borrowing her so I can torment her.

I seem tobe writing a lot of one-shots lately. I just get a whole bunch of ideas and I just have to write them down.


Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli, the Three Hunters, had just learned of the supposed "death" of Merry and Pippin and had arrived at the edge of Fangorn. Gimli knelt in front of the burn pile of orcs and burst into tears.

Legolas swatted the dwarf with his bow. "Stop that, Gimli! Your beard will become full of tears, and then it will leak a trail of water that enemies could follow!"

Gimli wiped away his tears. "You have a point, I guess."

"Gimli, your beard is like a sponge, I swear!"

The dwarf laughed to himself. "You're definitely right about that. My beard can hold anything!" He inserted a hand into his beard and dug around through the mass of hair. "Hey, a sandwich!" He pulled it out and ate it. "Mmm. It tastes a bit like hair, but it's still good!"

Legolas went over to the bushes and was sick.

"Be quiet and still, you fools!" hissed Aragorn. "I sense evil trees! They might whack us until our brains fall out and our bones disintegrate!" He curled into a ball and started whimpering.

Legolas' elven perked up. "Hey, do you hear something?"

Something was hurtling out of the sky, and it was screaming hysterically. "AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH! OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH-"

CRASH!

The screaming object was cut silent as it smacked the ground with a sickening crunch. Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli went over to investigate.

What they saw shocked them beyond belief. Laying dead on the ground was a girl, the most beautiful girl they had ever seen.

She had long white hair with streaks of every color that shined and rippled down her shapely back. Her eyes were closed but the eyelashes were long and perfectly curled. Her pale lifeless skin was flawless and resembled a beautiful sculpture of ice. Her ears were pointed and she had wings and purple lips and twelve fingers. Despite these startling features, she was simply perfect.

Gimli backed up a couple of paces. "She's dead," he whispered.

"Who is she?" Aragorn asked, as he gazed down at her.

"I don't know," said Legolas.

Gimli crouched down to get a better look at the lovely girl. "There appears to be something clenched in her fist!" He opened up her lovely white hand and removed a piece of paper.

Aragorn and Legolas crowded around to look. "What is it?"

The paper had a picture of Legolas at the top with a heart drawn around it. Legolas shuddered. The piece of paper appeared to be journal entry that had a date in the corner of it. It said:

Dear Diary

Oh my gosh! I luv Legolas so lyke, much! Oh my gosh I luv him I luv him I luv him I luv I luv him! He is so lyke, hott! He's the hotttttttest guy EVER lol! I wish I could go 2 Middle-earth and lyke, marry him! If I could go 2 Middle-earth & meet my precious Legolas, then I would be lyke the happiest girl in the universe! Even if I dyed right afterwards, I would still be soooooooo happy lol!

Love, Mary Sue

Legolas backed away from the paper and curled into a frightened ball of whimpering fear. "Who is that monster? That Mary Sue! She's horrible!"

Aragorn put a comforting hand on the elf's shoulder. "Calm down. She can't get you. She's dead, remember?"

"Well get rid of her body as fast as possible!"

"No problem." Aragorn and Gimli picked up Mary Sue's delicate, perfectly weighted body and roughly threw her down onto the orc burn pile. The Three Hunters then did a victory dance as Mary Sue's body burned and smoldered.

The end.


Well I hope that was amusing. Please make sure you review. It's considerate and it makes me happy to hear from people.