DISCLAIMER: Nothing's mine, ever. Ever. Except the strange obsession with screaming, that's mine. But Harry Potter and all that… not mine.

A/N: HOLY JESUS. Sorry for taking practically my whole life to post this. And sorry for the lack of…quality. There's a long story I can tell you about why it took so long, and tell it I will. So, originally I had an actual epilogue, like what happened after the end of the story, but it ended up sucking big time and I abandoned it. Then, I realized, I'd told you I'd post an epilogue and had nothing to post, so I looked to this little plotline, which was originally supposed to a sort of companion one-shot. So now it's the epilogue instead. Whatever. This is unbeta'd, because my betas were all too busy having lives to beta in a timely fashion. So sorry for all the inevitable typos and continuity errors. But thanks to Annie, Lauren, and Liz for their beta services on all the other chapters. Lauren and Liz can be found at their joint username of lizren (Lauren is also hat-and-clogs!), and Annie's is clamjam. I also apologize for the way I continue to dwell on the screaming joke. It tickles my funny bone.

ONE MILLION THANKS to all my reviewers, to whom I am eternally grateful. You rule so much it make-a me crazy.

Epilogue: Draco Tries Something New

Draco was sure they put Gryffindor Tower this far away on purpose.

He and Harry were making their way there – albeit slowly, since they had to stop every so often to snog – and Draco was losing his patience. He knew what sort of activities awaited him in Harry's dormitory, and he had come to the conclusion that this fucking school was too fucking big!

Admittedly, he shouldn't really have been complaining, since it was his idea to go to Harry's room. As appealing as the privacy of Draco's room was, he couldn't bring himself to drag Harry through the common room and see Blaise's damnable I-told-you-so smirk. Blaise would undoubtedly say something vulgar and embarrassing that would ruin the mood completely. Draco thought it was in their best interest to stay far away from Slytherin territory.

Harry and Draco reached the portrait of the far woman looking very strange. Both were sopping wet from their impromptu dip in the lake (neither had subsequently had the presence of mind to perform a simple drying charm), and Harry's hair was messier than Draco had ever seen it. Draco's tie was undone and hung limply around his neck, and he wore a goofy grin that seemed to be permanent.

"Jobberknoll," said Harry quickly, before Draco shoved him roughly up against the wall next to the portrait. Draco knew he was acting shamefully animalistic, but he found it wasn't in him to care as he sucked hungrily on Harry's neck.

"Well, I never!" exclaimed a flustered-sounding voice. Draco turned hazily to see the woman in the portrait glaring at them. "Do you just expect me to hang here, wide open, while you two hooligans get your rocks off?"

Draco smirked. "Pur-lease, you've probably never seen anything so arousing in your whole life."

The lady huffed while Harry let out a laugh. Draco heard himself growl (growl!) as he launched himself back at Harry.

Harry grinned. "Whoa, down boy! Come on, you." He grabbed Draco by the wrist and pulled him through the portrait hole. Draco sent the fat lady one last devilish wink.

They made their way hastily through the common room. It looked as though they'd make it to the stairs when suddenly, Draco heard an all too familiar voice from behind them. "Well it's about time!"

Draco groaned. Fucking Blaise! He saw Finnigan's head poking up from a chair. Shit, he'd forgotten about that. They must've gotten back together! Blaise, it seemed, was once again allowed to spend all of his free time in the Gryffindor common room. Harry stopped, not realizing the peril they were in. Blaise sauntered up to them, grinning from ear to ear. He looked as though Christmas had come early.

Harry wore a similar grin. "Hi, Blaise."

Blaise quirked an eyebrow. "Hel-lo, Harry…Draco."

Draco gritted his teeth. Gods, Zabini would pay for this. Draco had important sex to get to and he was being accosted just so Blaise could gloat.

Before he could cut Blaise down to his proper size, Harry butted in. "Oh, Blaise, Professor Snape said he wanted to see you right away. Seemed pretty angry about something. Dunno what, but he said something about stealing clothes?"

Blaise groaned. "Oh, bugger. Thanks." He quickly turned back to the portrait hole and exited.

Draco marveled at his luck. "Bloody brilliant! But why did Snape ask you to talk to Blaise? You aren't even in his House."

Harry smirked evilly. "Snape asked me no such thing. I just wanted Blaise to go away so we could get back to business before he said something completely awkward."

Merlin, Draco loved him.

They climbed the staircase (earning a flinch from Draco; fucking staircase) hurriedly, practically falling into Harry's dormitory. Draco thought they were finally home free when they were met face to face with Ron-goddamn-Weasley. He scowled. "What are you doing here, Malfoy?"

Draco scowled back. "I'm trying to have sex with your best mate, but you're impeding me considerably at the moment."

Weasley grimaced, looking at Harry for affirmation. Harry flushed instantly.

Looking somewhat green, Weasley made for the door. "Right," he said stiffly.

"So…er," stuttered Harry, "If you could tell the guys not to…bother us."

Weasley smiled grimly. "Can do. Oh, and use a silencing charm, yeah? He screams, that one."

Harry grinned sheepishly, ignoring Draco's glare, and watched Weasley leave. He then turned to Draco. "Well."

The clothing removal process was rather frenzied – neither had the patience for anything other than top speed.

Harry yanked the curtains on his four-poster shut and muttered a silencing charm. Then he looked up at Draco. Draco looked back at him. And his brain melted.

Gods, but Harry was gorgeous. Not to mention naked. Draco was acutely aware of his Problem, which didn't seem all that problematic anymore.

He was going mad. He attached his mouth to Harry's, tongue feverishly exploring Harry's mouth, battling his own tongue. He felt Harry's hands on his bare chest. This was it, he thought, he was dying. This couldn't be allowed, it was too perfect.

They broke apart, panting, both evidently ready to move onward in the proceedings. Harry swallowed. "Erm, I…"

Draco knew this was it. This one's for you, Blaise! He flung himself onto his hands and knees. "Take me!" he cried dramatically.

Behind him, Harry gaped. "What?"

"Take me!" he repeated, wriggling his arse for added clarity.

He felt a strong arm curl around his waist, flipping him over so he lay on his back.

"Sorry," said Harry, hovering over him, "but you looked a bit ridiculous like that."

"Fine," said Draco petulantly, "We can do it like this." He wrapped his legs around Harry's waist.

Harry blinked several times. "Are you…are you serious?"

Draco sighed exasperatedly. "Yes, Harry, I'm serious, now fuck me, goddammit!"

Harry still seemed unsure. "Draco, you always top."

Draco shrugged. "First time for everything, eh?"

Harry bit his lip in a way that made Draco very, very angry at the lack of speed here. "But…I mean, I've never—I'm probably rubbish. At…this."

Draco rolled his eyes. "Come off it, Potter, now you're just being stupid. Do you not want to?"

"No!" said Harry hastily, "Of course I want to!"

Draco stared up at Harry in disbelief. "Then what, dear Harry, could possibly be stopping you?"

Harry gave a lopsided grin, giving in. "You're going to scream like a banshee, you know."

"I don't scream."

"You do! I should know, shouldn't I?" He put on a falsetto and screwed his eyes shut. "Oh, Harry, Harry, yes, yes, gods Harry yes, fuck yes, yes, OH, FUCK HARRY YES, OH, OH, OHHHHHH!"

Draco couldn't decide between indignation and mortification; both were very prominent in his mind at the moment. "I don't sound like that," he said weakly.

Harry laughed. "Of course you don't, Draco."

They stared at each other for a moment, Draco pouting and Harry stifling giggles. Draco found that it was very hard to stay angry when his ankles were still linked on the small of Harry's back—his naked back, no less—with Harry looming maddeningly above him. This was ridiculous, he decided, and grabbed Harry by the back of his neck, pulling him down, and pulled simultaneously with his legs.

They kissed almost violently, and Draco's head swam. Gods, he'd missed this. Only now it was different; Harry's weight pressed down on him, covering him, touching him deliciously from head to toe. If the whole experience would be like this, he was pretty stupid not to have demanded it in the first place.

"Come on," he whined. Harry laughed.

"All right. But tell me if you want to, y'know, stop or anything. It feels a bit weird at first."

Draco was quite sure he could take anything Harry threw at him, and he said so.

Harry grinned. "We'll see."


Afterwards, Draco could not move. His bones, he thought, must have been replaced by goo without him noticing. "I…god, Potter."

Harry smiled roguishly. "Good for you, then?"

"Mmph." Draco's brain was taking a vacation at the moment, it seemed. "I love you," he muttered, leaning into him.

"You only want me for the mind-shattering sex, Draco. But nonetheless, I love you too."

Draco giggled somewhere in the vicinity of Harry's neck. He'd be content to lie like this for the rest of his life.

He lifted his head. "Thanks. For, y'know, not being angry. 'M sorry for being a git. I won't act like you're annoying anymore."

Harry smiled.

"Except when you're annoying."

"I'm never annoying, Malfoy."

Draco smirked. His stomach growled loudly. "I'm bloody starving."

Harry checked the clock on the bedside table. He ran a hand through his hair. "We've missed dinner. Want to go to the kitchens?"

Draco wasn't sure his legs would be able to comply, and was even less sure he'd be able to walk correctly even if they would, but he nodded anyway. "Sure."

They showered, as a matter of necessity, before dressing and setting off back through the Gryffindor common room.

"Finally!" came Finnigan's unmistakably annoying voice. "Can I go up there now?"

Harry blushed.

Finnigan walked past them, up the stairs. "Oh, and Harry," he called from the top of the staircase, "Great silencing charm, there!"

Draco felt Finnigan would make a lovely addition to his list of People He'd Get Around To Brutally Murdering Eventually.

They were almost to the portrait hole when Weasley stopped them. Were people just determined to get in their way today?

"Harry," he said in a half-amused, half-disgusted voice. "I thought you said you'd use a silencing charm."

"He did," Draco said exasperatedly. Why was the Weasel even permitted to talk about this? It wasn't public information, for fuck's sake!

"Well, it must've broken or something. Everyone could hear you guys all the way down here. McGonagall even came in demanding to know who was torturing people."

Harry was scarlet by this point. Draco did his best to look dignified and aloof.

"When she realized what was going on, she couldn't believe it. She went off muttering about having words with the staff," Weasley finished gleefully.

The staff? Draco felt ill at the thought of her reenacting the scene in the staff lounge. Surely she wasn't going to tell people!

They reviewed silencing charms in Flitwick's class for a month.

FIN, FO REAL THIS TIME.

Wow. My first fic over and done with. Just in time for school. Damn.

This is not the last you'll be hearing from me, however! My bunnies are constantly gnawing on the inside of my head, so I'll return probably very soon with more inane fanfiction for you. Sayonara, suckers!

Oh, and…one more review? For old times' sake?