by P.H. Wise
A Ranma ½ spamfic
Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma. That would be Rumiko Takahashi. I'm not writing this for profit.
Once upon a time, there was a boy. His name was Ranma, and he had a unique problem; he was cursed to change into a girl when splashed with cold water. Hot water changed him back, but only until next time. Tell me if you've heard this one before.
Well, we'll see if we can't take this particular story in another direction, then. But it does begin with Ranma.
That boy, currently a girl, was roof hopping across the Nerima district of Tokyo, never realizing the TERRIBLE FATE that awaited her at the Nekohanten, where, once again, Cologne was plotting something.
"Aiyah!" said Shampoo, as the author demonstrated his encyclopedic knowledge of her character by reducing her entire personality to a single easy to remember catch-word, "If Shampoo drink this, Shampoo get too too pregnant with Ranma's child?" She held up a glass full of a clear fluid similar in consistency to water.
Cologne nodded sagely. "Indeed, great grand-daughter. It is the only way to salvage your honour. Clearly, Ranma will not be persuaded to join us, and since the Passion Spice(tm) we used on him last week only resulted in further alienating him from us, well, let's just say it's better this way."
Ah, Passion Spice. How do I love thee? Shall I compare thee to a concupiscent curd? Thou art more horny and ridiculous. And oh so true to canon, really. Shampoo and Cologne were always trying to control Ranma through magical potions. Happened pretty much every day! But I digress.
Shampoo put the glass down, shaking her head uncertainly. "Shampoo not so sure about this. Maybe Ranma will still marry Shampoo. Maybe not need potion."
Cologne shook her head. "Great grand-daughter, the field is lost."
Shampoo glared at Cologne. "What though the field be lost?" she said. "All is not lost. The study of immortal hate, and courage never to submit or yield, and what else is not to be overcome?"
Oh wait, that was Satan.
Shampoo didn't say any such thing. What she actually said was, "Shampoo know." Her voice was quiet, small, and defeated. She raised the glass to her lips.
At that moment, Onna-Ranma hopped in through a nearby window. "Boy am I thirsty!" she said, and grabbed the cup out of Shampoo's hands.
"Son in law, NO!" Cologne shouted.
But it was too late. Ranma downed the potion in one gulp. Instantly, the magic went to work. Ranma was pregnant. Two seconds pregnant and counting.
Both Shampoo and Cologne stared at Ranma in a state of shock.
"What?" Ranma asked. "Is there something on my face?"
Cologne shook her head. "Son-in-Law, do you have any idea what you just did?"
Ranma shrugged. "Drank some funky tasting water." She picked up the nearby kettle of hot water.
"Son-in-Law," Cologne began, unsure of how to explain this to the aquatransexual.
Ranma poured the hot water over her head, and returned to male form. Lacking a womb to give it life, and caught up in the magic of the jusenkyou transformation, the foetus, barely a minute old, was spontaneously aborted.
"... Nevermind," Cologne said, in a defeated voice.
Ranma blinked and rubbed his belly. "Wow, my stomach kind of hurts."
Cologne's eye twitched slightly.
Author's notes: Because 'Ranma gets pregnant' stories annoy me.