keem: This started out as a one-shot, but then turned into three-piece. Yes, that's right - this monster has two more chapters on the way before it's completion. Sonic's going to be very sorry that he asked for help at all by the end of this. Fortunately, this kind of stuff comes to me relatively easy, so you don't have to worry about waiting a month or two for me to finish it up. Give me a couple of days, providing the proper stimulation D Anyway, as always, read, review, and most importantly - enjoy! Feedback of any kind, including constructive commentary, is welcomed and encouraged. Thanks!
UPDATE MAY 26, 2008: Version 2.0 out. Cleaned up the spelling, grammar, etc. SUPER SPECIAL BONUS 4TH CHAPTER EN ROUTE. Aren't you thrilled?
"Knuckles, how do I impress a girl?"
The echidna choked on his coffee, looking incredulous. He seemed torn been amusement and shock. "What makes you think I know anything about girls?" he defended hotly, as if the mere notion was damaging his bad-boy image.
"Well, I was just asking," Sonic said quickly, trying to assuage the hyper-sensitive Guardian's ego. "Since you know, you got that big-breasted bimbo, what's-her-face..."
"Her name is Rouge!" Knuckles cried shrilly, startling the hedgehog. The cobalt hero leapt backwards and fell into a defensive stance, clearly fearing retribution. Meanwhile, the echidna seized a pair of yellow rubber gloves that he had discarded for his coffee and pulled them angrily over his hands. "And she's not just any bimbo, I'll have you know! She's intelligent, and classy, and an international spy!" His voice echoed hollowly in the aluminum kitchen as he began to clean the dirty dishes with a vengeance.
"Do you wipe her ass too, after you clean her house?" Sonic asked wryly, and ducked as Knuckles threw a plate squarely at his head. The hedgehog inclined his head after the lethal projectile had been jettisoned over him, only to be forced to duck a second time as the redhead leapt over him with surprising agility and caught the dishware before it could hit the wall and shatter.
"Rouge'd kill me," he muttered, placing the plate reverently back into the water where it came. He glared daggers at Sonic when he peeled himself off the floor after having hit the deck yet again. Before he could say anything (or a take a lethal swipe), and the hedgehog jumped backward.
"Alright Knuckles, sheesh! You know I'm just kidding," the hedgehog said sourly. He put up his hands as a sign of innocence. "Rouge is one of us, and I love her like a sister! You know I'm just making fun of her at your expense." He took a huge breath and hesitated as Knuckles glared at him crossly. "I'm... sorry."
Knuckles' expression immediately relaxed. "I can see that was very taxing on you," he said dryly.
"Look, I'm asking you because you're my... friend," he made a frown at himself, and beside him, Knuckles looked equally puzzled. "And you're the only guy I know that can still look dignified while wearing a 'Kiss the Cook' apron."
Knuckles looked down at said apron. "Rouge gave it to me for our anniversary," he muttered defensively, and when he looked up, Sonic was giving him his most pathetic and adorable puppy-dog eyes. "Oh, all right," Knuckles said, sighing dramatically before returning to his dishes. "It's quite simple, really. Just treat her like you would want to be treated - it's the golden rule."
Considering Sonic enjoyed farting jokes and thumps on the back, he wasn't sure Knuckles' "Golden Rule" was entirely appropriate. Still, he said nothing. He supposed he could trust the ruby Guardian's intuition.
"That's... it?" he asked tentatively.
"Yup," Knuckles nodded sagely. As an after thought, he added, "Ooo, and pet names. Girls like pet names for some reason." And he stared out into space, probably reliving some of the good pet names he and Rouge had shared. Sonic could almost see his brains turn into lovely pink mush.
"Uhm, I think you're leaking," Sonic said, as Knuckles began to drool. "Nice."
Knuckles snapped out of his reverie. "What, sorry?" he asked, oblivious to what Sonic had just said. Sonic, sated with the information he had been given, ignored him and made way for the exit.
"Tails, how do I impress a girl?"
The little fox hit his head on the hood of an old car he was trying to fix, swearing mildly under his breath. When he untangled himself from the beater, he was sporting a fantastic bump. "What?"
"You heard me," Sonic mumbled, already blushing.
Tails quirked one eyebrow questioningly. "You're asking me--"
"C'mon, you don't need to make fun of me!" Sonic cried, clearly embarrassed. "I just need some help, okay? I've got a date with Amy at Twinkle Park tomorrow and--"
"Sonic, I'm eight years old!" the fox yelped in protest. "I don't know the first thing about impressing individuals of the female gender!"
"But you fix up old cars and stuff," Sonic said, as if this fact alone proved Tails knew how to make the ladies swoon. "Aren't girls a lot like cars?"
"Wherein Station Square did you make that connection?" Tails asking, looking stunned.
"Well, they always refer to cars as 'she' in movies, don't they?" Sonic reasoned desperately, as Tails stared at him blankly. "'This old gal here is the fastest car ever made!' Etcetera." When this seemed to yield no satisfying response, Sonic fumbled for more references. "And they both purr."
Tails looked deeply confused. "When do girls purr?"
Sonic blushed. He didn't really want to explain where he had learned that. "Never-mind. But anyway, you've got to help me, Tails! I don't know who else to turn to!"
"Fine, fine," the fox said, sighing. The sooner he fed the hedgehog some satisfactory crap, the sooner he would leave him alone so he could finish up his latest project. Tails reflected fondly on the thought of his finished product - he always wanted to drive around in a bangin' Rolls Royce, never-mind that he didn't have his driver's license yet. "Pet names, girls like pet names. How about that?"
"Knuckles already told me that one."
"You went to Knuckles for help?" Tails asked, eyes as big as the dinner plates the echidna had been cleaning previously. "Wow, you must be desperate."
"See!" Sonic shrieked. "C'mon Tails, you gotta help me!"
"Hold on, I'm thinking!" Tails said. The gears in his little foxhead began to whirl and turn at amazing speeds. Finally, a little imaginary light bulb clicked on, and he thrust one finger in the air for dramatic emphasis. "Eureka!"
Sonic was visibly dancing on edge."What?" he asked, peering into Tails' face. He was practically on the verge of hysteria. "What!"
"Gifts!" Tails cried, oblivious to the fact that his beloved hero and self-proclaimed big-brother was invading his personal space so intently that it was bordering on pedophilia. "Girls love gifts!"
Sonic didn'. "But what would a girl like Amy want as a gift?"
"Oh, that's easy," Tails said, waving him off. "I mean, she's obviously obsessed with you, isn't she? So just get her some Sonic memorabilia."
The hedgehog seemed uncertain. "Are you... positive?"
"Sonic, I've never been so sure of anything in my life."