Disclaimer- I do not own HHGTTG

Warning- contains slash and pointlessness.

Ford stood in the centre of the picturesque wooded glade, smiling his most beautiful, non-threatening smile and projecting pheromones for all he was worth. His smile widened as a deer hesitantly entered the glade and started to approach him. He concentrated on appearing as attractive as possible to the nervous animal as it neared him. A little closer…a little more…reach out, carefully, don't want to lose it…and…snap its neck.

Ford's smile went back to its normal manic proportions as he looked at the results of his work. There was dinner for the next week or so, at least. He dusted off his hands and was just considering whether to skin it here or take the carcass back to the camp (for the simple pleasure of listening to Arthur squeal girlishly) when something very unexpected happened.

A pair of arms wrapped snugly around his form from behind and yanked him backwards. He gave a very undignified yelp and struggled as the arms tightened around him, pressing him against a warm body. He looked down, his hands scrabbling at his captor's strong grip, and then froze in horror as he saw very very familiar plaid sleeves. "Arthur?" he asked, tentatively.

"Mmm, Ford…" he heard the human mumble distractedly. A nose buried itself in his hair and sniffed deeply. "You smell nice."

'Oh Zarquon,' he thought, trying to wriggle out his friend's hold, 'the pheromones!'

"Look, Arthur, its not that I'm not flattered or anything, but…" He stopped as Arthur's hands began to move, massaging into his chest and tugging a little at his clothes. "Arthur…" he tried again, trying to ignore the feelings evoked by the touches. It had been a while, after all.

The Earthman seemed to be ignoring him. His satchel was pushed off his shoulder and he gasped as warm lips caressed his throat, shivering at the feather-light brushes of warm skin and the kissing touch of Arthur's heightened breath. The human hummed approvingly as he slumped a little, giving in to the pleasure of the contact. "You're going to regret doing this," Ford breathed, his head lolling back against Arthur's shoulder, exposing his neck even further to the deliciously teasing touches. "I won't, but you will. So much for you being a straight manly man."

Arthur obviously wasn't listening. He kissed his way along Ford's jaw line then nuzzled his cheek, rubbing affectionately. Ford tilted his head slightly and his shocking blue eyes met glazed grey pools for a split second before Arthur pressed their lips together in a searing open-mouthed kiss. The Betelgeusian lost himself as they thoroughly explored each other's mouths, tongues meeting and dancing a delightfully sordid dance to a bewitching and erotic tune.

Ford was a little surprised at Arthur's skill in this area- his mild-mannered friend hadn't exactly been fighting girls off with a stick on Earth. But here, stripped of his inhibitions the human was clever and seductive, and it felt so good after the chastity enforced on them by the events since they first left the Earth. Ford became aware that he was starting to purr, the rusty rumbling throbbing louder and louder as he and Arthur stood locked in the moment with each other.

The Betelgeusian felt hands slipping the jacket off his shoulders then suddenly, without warning, he was horizontal, lying on his back in the thick grass. Fumbling fingers ripped the tie from his throat and his jumper was quickly pulled over his head. He returned the favour, jerking at Arthur's ratty dressing gown until it opened and slid down Arthur's arms. The human hurriedly disposed of it as Ford's quick fingers started to unbutton Arthur's shirt. Arthur's hands stopped him when the smaller man was halfway down and the human leaned forwards, pecking his lips briefly before moving down to determinedly start working open Ford's own shirt.

Ford's arms went to his sides, clutching at the springy grass as Arthur kissed, licked and sucked his way down Ford's chest. The Betelgeusian wondered briefly if he was ever going to have any sort of control over the proceedings. Probably not. Arthur's methodical explorations were moving lower, worshipping every inch of his flesh and Oh Zarquon, dothatagainpleasezarkingdothatagain! Ford flung his head back and moaned in earnest, his hands ripping up great chunks of vegetation as he writhed under the sensual touches. It looked like rational thought was going to be an unwelcome guest in his mind for the rest of the evening.

(I'm cutting it here- but feel free to write your own pornography in your heads!)


The human collapsed next to him, panting heavily, and they lay side by side for a moment as their breathing calmed. Arthur rolled onto his side and reached out a weary arm to drag Ford back so the alien's back was flush against his chest. Ford, still too overwhelmed to make any sort of response, happily allowed the spooning.

He lay contentedly in the warm embrace, feeling Arthur relax as he drifted into a satisfied sleep. The Betelgeusian stroked his friend's arms lazily as a pleasant tiredness swept over him then reached out to grab Arthur's dressing gown to cover them both with it as night settled in. He glanced up at the stars, grinning as he contemplated the totally unexpected event that had taken place. He couldn't wait to see how Arthur would react when he woke up.

As sleep began to take its hold on him, Ford wondered vaguely if maybe he should have stopped projecting the pheromones when Arthur had grabbed him. Ah well. Celibacy be damned.