Disclaimer-We own nothing you even vaguely recognize, including but not limited to JRR Tolkien's creations, the necromancy bells and the Abhorsen trilogy (who belong to Garth Nix), and the Keltiad to Patricia Kenneally-Morrison. Nor do we own the PPC, we just work there. The 'Sue and her story belong to LifeMistressGreenleaf. Like we'd claim them anyway…
When they fell through the portal, the first thing Isabel's eyes (and ears) landed on was Haldir telling the 'Sue, "Galadriel would like to see you." Knowing what sort of mutilation was to come to her favorite character, and being long over due for a really good scream, Isabel couldn't resist. She let out a scream that would chill the hearts of babies and burst the eardrums of sopranos.
In other words, it was very, very loud. Loud enough, in fact, to attract the attention of the 'Sue. Thinking fast, Myth threw the UBIM over Isabel and knocked her and Diana to the ground a split second before Ruby - Megan - whatever looked over in confusion.
"I'm not the grammar fanatic of the group-" Diana began.
"No, that would be me. Sadly." Myth had recovered from the drool that had ambushed her at the sight of Haldir, and now glared at the 'Sue for the forty-second time to date.
"-but isn't it unusual for question marks to begin and end a sentence?" Diana finished.
"It's wrong. Unless you're writing in Spanish, anyway."
Isabel thrashed madly underneath the UBIM and yelled incoherently. It sounded something like, "Snargffjl fralgsjfjl GALADRIEL mfrakel FIRE MISTRESS alrwahuif GUT YOU LIKE A FEEEESH sofkrabble!"
Unfortunately, the UBIM was made to confound sight, not sound. Equally unfortunate for our erstwhile agents, the March warden of Lothlorien, even when enthralled by a 'Sue, has very sharp hearing. Haldir's head came up, his eyes cleared, and he threw himself in front of Galadriel, plainly ready to defend her from any threat that could possibly exist, calling for the other warriors that had to be nearby.
Isabel was writhing like mad underneath the UBIM. Myth gave her a sound thump on the head and all movement suddenly ceased.
Myth took two full seconds, which the motley group of women could ill afford, to drool over Haldir. Diana utilized these moments to jot down a few more redundancies that she'd remembered, and Isabel grabbed frantically for the portal generator, came up with the CAD, realized they hadn't analyzed any of the characters, pondered this for exactly 0.253 seconds, decided it didn't matter for the moment, opened a portal, stepped through, stepped back out when she realized no one was following her, and dragged Myth, Diana, and the UBIM after her.
A split second later found Isabel leaning against a conveniently placed tree and panting. She decided to look around to see where they'd actually landed. Upon seeing their location, Isabel glowered and yanked up Myth and Diana, who were in a heap next to her. "Come on, this is one of the major canonical breaches. We've got work to do." With that she stalked off, muttering to herself about stupid 'Sues and how they deserved to have something quite painful done to them.
"But... Doesn't that mean we're only a few seconds further into the fic?" Myth asked.
Both of the assassins were distracted by a yelp from Diana. Isabel raced back to see what fate had befallen her temporary partner-in-slaughtering-'Sues.
"Quick!" Myth cried, "Get something that'll muffle noise!"
"You're not helping." Isabel muttered, as she rummaged through a random pack. She pulled out an extremely scratchy-looking wool sweater, which was then tossed at Myth.
"Will this work?"
"I think so. Whose bag is that?"
"Mine. I bring this to muffle things."
"Makes sense. You all better? Which redundancy made you go off like that?" the last questions were directed at Diana.
"That." the bereaved DORD agent pointed to a particular sentence in The Words.
Huh, where am I? I thought to myself as I floated above a towering city in the clouds.
The city was made of clouds and the sun reflected off of the windows.
All three of them winced, and took the opportunity to scribble, scrawl, or scratch charges that were either new or forgotten. In one of the many unfortunate coincidences of this particular mission, the triad looked up just in time to see the 'Sue's 'magical' transformation. The specific paragraph(s) was:
When I opened my eyes I saw the world differently. I could hear the spirits around me. In the water, wind, and earth. I looked down at my body. I wore a black tube top with black bell-bottoms. I wore a long red over coat and on my feet were black army boots that went up to my knees.
I looked behind me and saw my bat like wings. They had a sharp edge to help me fight and they folded nicely behind me.
I looked in the pond and saw that I had on some red lip-gloss. On my eyes I wore red, orange, and white-eye liner.
"I claim the boots!" Myth yelled. The 'Sue looked around in confusion, her magically applied red, orange, and white-eye liner (yes, folks, eye liner, despite the cosmetics applied to the exterior of our eyelids being called eyeliner) almost painfully bright, as the assassin/wannabe necromancer ducked behind a large tree.
"If you wish." Isabel sighed. "I hate her. Very few people make my hate list, but she's getting close."
Diana was recovered from the earlier (unforgivable) redundancies, and was now staring in confusion at the 'Sue. "Umm... Why did her clothing change? And why the make-up?"
"She wanted to look pretty for Leggy-poo, probably." Isabel shuddered. "Thank Eru there are no bad nicknames in this story yet."
"I think she calls him Legs, later on." Myth muttered irritably.
"I'm so much more upset about the many, many uses of shock and shocked in the next four or five lines." Diana retorted.
"Well, we'll get to do something awful to her soon. Remember, she brings in two more 'Sues, and I'll even let you kill one, Di." Myth thought it was a very generous offer.
"Di? When did that happen? And I can't kill any of them. I'm not licensed, remember?"
"Frazzelspitz!" Myth yelped. "Time distortion!"
Isabel promptly sat down at these words, which eased a bit of the shock of the time distortion. But still... "Ow."
Myth ended up on the ground yet again, despite the fact that she'd sat down and, in fact, given the warning. Diana was crouched, swearing profusely under her breath.
"Why does this always happen?" Myth snarled, and then, "Pretty wing-ed horsie! Ya know, if you ignore the fact that those wings are nowhere near large enough to lift it of the ground..."
"Very true. And her wings... nyargh." Isabel rolled her eyes.
"Why does she have a- to put it Myth's way- wing-ed horsie, if she can fly herself?" Diana asked. Myth's way of putting it involved making winged a two-syllable word, and using baby talk.
"Sue logic. Who knows?" Isabel dug through her pack for the charge list and started scribbling.
The world lurched around them again, and the trio of somewhat-worse-for-wear women decided to stay in the heap they had fallen in for the five seconds it took to catch their breath. Isabel looked up at their surroundings. Her eyes landed on the Sue in a Hobbit Pile, with the rest of the fellowship (plus Leglas the mini-Balrog) surrounding her and gazing adoringly at her wings.
"When are we getting the minis to OFUM?"
Isabel looked over at Myth. "Whenever we are able to, most likely after we clean this story up."
"Gmph." muttered Myth.
"And now she's abusing Legolas?" Diana asked.
"It appears so." Isabel looked at her watch. "I figure we can get her when she goes off to practice, she's alone then."
"That's true," Diana agreed. "We can miss the further mutilation of Galadriel's character that way."
Myth had been scanning ahead, way ahead, and so made a terrifying discovery. "But there're two more 'Sues to get!"
Diana and Isabel stared at her while absorbing the implications of this news before falling into a dead faint and heaving sobs, respectively.
As the products of Isabel's misery were falling onto her face, it was perfectly understandable that Diana's dead faint gradually became a live one, and then true consciousness.
Little by little Isabel managed to regain control of herself. Wiping her eyes, she looked up at the Sue and noticed her walking away from the group. The sorrow in her eyes turned to pure rage. She dug through her bag, pulled out a length of rope, and stood up. Working the kinks out of her back, she gave Diana a prod with her foot and didn't wait to see if she stood up.
Turning to Myth, she growled, "You comin'? This bitch is going to die. Now."
"Umm... Izzie..." Myth began
Myth continued, "We can't kill her yet..."
"We still have to..."
"A dead 'Sueburger. Break out the barbeque."
"I'm really, really sorry, then..." Myth rang Ranna, which she'd taken out of her bandolier mere moments before. Isabel crumpled to the ground asleep, her rope falling to the ground beside her.
"So... Diana..." Myth turned to her other accomplice, and realized that Ranna had, on some strange sleepy-bell whim, knocked the DORD agent out cold as well.
Myth glared at Ranna, muttered for a bit about bells that needed to be put in their places, put her back in the pillbox sized pouch from whence she came, rooted through Isabel's bag to find the charge list and a pen, and began scribbling.
Myth's A/N: Urgh. I always end up on the ground. By the by, if anyone wants to be a bit masochistic, here's the first chapter of the fic: http/ the horrors we have skimmed over.
Isabel/s AN: Good lord. I die a little each day from this fic. It hurts me inside. However - Suedeath soon! Hurrah! It's all I can look forward to in this fic, besides the idiocy that is entertaining.