Chapter 6: Eliminate Auron Tevee!
Dun- da- da- dunh! Da dun dun dah!
Story thus far:
Yuna, Rikku, and Paine had defeated the menace Vegnagun and saved Spira. Unfortunately, on a ride on their airship, they became stranded in a strange area. Paine, along with Shinra, had left, leaving Yuna and Rikku to fend for themselves.
The cousins met the ruler of the land —Willy Wakka, a crazed blitzball-teer. He invited them to join a search for his lost child. Five contestants were picked: Yuna Beauregard, Tidus Gloop, Auron Tevee, Rikku Salt, and Vidina Buckets.
Little by little however, the contestants began dropping off, until now only Auron and Vidina remained. Auron was beginning to act strangely, and if Vidina could knock him off, he could be the winner…
'Eliminate Auron Tevee!': Find and eliminate the scoundrel Auron and claim the title of Willy Wakka's fake child!
…. … … … … …. …. … .. … … … .. …
"Come along now, there's nothing to see here!" Willy Wakka said as he corralled the two remaining contestants out of the room. Vidina and Auron both hadn't liked Rikku very much; she had been extremely peppy and annoying, but she had just been killed. And Willy Wakka didn't even mention it, or look sad in the least bit. Something was up, the two were sure of it.
Willy Wakka began guiding the two down a long hallway. He began another one of his pointless history lectures, and naturally both Vidina and Auron zoned out. But, something caught Auron's eye along the way. He happened to hear Willy Wakka say, "… made of pure gold. My most treasured and valuable thing in this factory."
As the others rounded the corner, Auron stayed behind and snuck into the room. It was a rather large room, and the golden object rested in the middle. He grinned and approached it.
"Precious… Mine! It's all mine!"
"Well, actually, it was mine first," a voice echoed, "but if you can answer all of these questions correctly, I'll give it to you as a prize!"
"First question: Who is the most annoying person of them all?"
Auron paused for a second. He knew so many people that fit into that category. "Um…" He began listing the people in his head, hoping the correct one would pop out. Tidus, he was a huge crybaby… Rikku, she was always so happy… Wakka, just because he's Wakka… Willy Wakka, even worse than the first Wakka… Kimahri, he never said anything, and he has bigger muscles than me… Brother, OMY, he is so annoying, and he dresses so oddly… Auron's list went on and on and he eventually just gave an answer.
"Well, the most annoying person that I know would have to be Willy Wakka. Man, do I hate him!"
"Um, that wasn't the answer I had. We'll leave this question as a 'maybe'. Okay, next one, question two: Whom do you love most?"
Auron stared blankly. Who asks that? he thought And can that have a correct answer? The voice had materialized now. He was a man-like thing. His body was oddly round, but flat from the sides, and reminded Auron of a smushed sphere.
"Hello! I am "the Voice". I am a cantaloupe pie. See, there are cherry pies, apple pies, blueberry pies, strawberry pies, etc., but those all get eaten up. I, on the other hand, being unique, since only one person has ever made a cantaloupe pie, was sent here to spend the rest of my days. But the great Willy Wakka gave me life, and keeps me in this room," the pie man said.
Auron was already fed up with this guy and he flung out his sword. The fact that he thought Willy Wakka was amazing made Auron dislike the pie man. Plus that fact that he was a cantaloupe; boy did Auron love cantaloupe. The cantaloupe pie man sensed the impending doom and began backing away.
"I'm sorry, next question'll be less personal." He was waving his hands in front of him, trying to make it into a joke.
"This is no joke. And there won't be a next question!" Auron stated as he ran at the man. Before he could react, Auron had stabbed his sword through his middle. He pulled his blade out and licked all of the cantaloupe off it. "Mmmmmmmmmm! That's some good eating!"
The cantaloupe pie man was gasping on the floor; he was beginning to disappear and fade. He put his hand up in the air and muttered something. He then went limp and faded away.
Auron smiled to himself and walked over to the golden object of his desire. "The fabled Golden Chocobo Egg. It is said to grant the owner tremendous luck and fortune. Let's see." He slashed the glass covering around it and grabbed the surprisingly lightweight egg. He spray painted some graffiti before leaving the room.
Meanwhile, Vidina had been stuck listening to Willy Wakka's nonsense ramblings. He was interrupted (Thank Yevon!) by the sounds of the alarms going off. Willy quickly assessed the situation and grabbed Vidina's arm and began dragging him.
"Hey weirdo! Let me go!" Vidina said as he struggled.
"Not a chance," was the curt reply. "We have to find that Auron Tevee. And you're going to help me eliminate him."
"Eliminate? You mean kill him?"
"Precisely!" Willy replied. Vidina was growing more and more scared of this man, and he wasn't so sure that he wanted to win the contest. Having this crack head as a father seemed like a horrible idea. But he had to comply. First off, Willy had an amazing grip, so Vidina couldn't struggle away. And second, he wondered what Willy Wakka might try to do to him if he didn't follow directions.
As the two rounded the corner, they saw a red coat dart around another. "Hahaha! We've found you Auron! There is no escape!" But when they got to the corner, they found it all up in flames. Auron had sprayed his beer all over the ground and walls, and then lit it on fire, creating a massive and impenetrable fire wall.
"Man," Vidina remarked, "I need to get me one of those to protect my computer! Nothing can pass that!"
"Well, we have to! Luckily, I always wear fireproof briefs. And," he said as he looked in the room Auron had run out of, "I happen to have an extra pair. Here you go."
Vidina was in shock. He not only would have to wear Willy Wakka's extra fireproof underwear (which really was more of a speedo), but he'd have to see Willy Wakka in one too. Lucky for Vidina, and us, Willy stripped down to his fireproof clothing while Vidina was staring at his own.
"C'mon hurry!" was the only sound he heard as Willy jumped through the firewall. By the time Vidina turned to look, he was gone.
Vidina sighed as he slipped on the tight red underwear with a flame on the butt. He was going crazy, he was sure of it, and he knew it was all the fault of Willy Wakka. Armed with but briefs, he ran towards the firewall. He jumped through and was relieved to feel no pain whatsoever. Unfortunately, his clothes which he had intended to put back on were no more; they had burned in the flames.
"Could this day get any worse?" he asked rhetorically. He spotted a group of Poomba-Moombas in the distance and muttered to himself, "Of course!" Vidina quickly darted around the corner hoping no one saw him.
In front of our young strapping blitzballer was a hall of mirrors. But not fun house mirrors where they distort images; no they were regular, ordinary, rectangular mirrors. (Leave it to a crazy person to have a hall of normal mirrors.) Vidina glanced at himself as he walked down the hallway and realized that the flame retardant briefs didn't look so bad. In fact, he thought they looked hot. Literally, since there was a flame on his butt. "Try and stop me now," he said aloud.
"Okay! HII-YAH!" a random passerby said as he ran towards Vidina and karate chopped him into a mirror. "HAHAHA! I stopped you fiend!" the random man shouted as he disappeared to winst he came.
Vidina got up and shook his head, thinking that must have been a hallucination or something and continued his trek to find Willy Wakka. It led him to a hangar, with boats, cars, planes, and ships in it. "Wow!" As he awed at the site, he saw Willy Wakka waving on a ship in the distance.
"Come, we have to catch that villainous Auron Tevee! Here, put on this safety suit, and let us be on our way!" Willy instructed. Vidina slipped on the safety suit, a large banana suit, and went into the cockpit of a fighter ship. Willy slipped into his own suit, one that resembled an apple, and boarded his own jet.
"Countdown: in 5! 4! 3! 2!"
"WAIT! You can't leave yet!" a feminine voice called out.
"Because I love eat, eat, eat… apples and bananas. She loves to eat, eat, eat… apples and bananas! I love to ate, ate, ate… aepples and banenes. She loves to ate, ate, ate… aepples and banenes! I love to ite, ite, ite… ipples and baninis. She loves to ite, ite, ite… ipples and baninis. I love to"
"SHUT THE FREAKIN' &$$ && $ )8056 UP!" a teenager yelled.
Baby Bop, the feminine voice, was horrified. "You… you… can't say that, this is a kid's show!" She then covered her face and began crying.
"OH! YOU ARE SO ANNOYING! DIE!" Roxas shouted as he flew down and slew Baby Bop with his keyblade. "There, no more. Now, there will be peace." And he disapparated.
"Countdown in 5! 4! 3! 2! 1! BLAST-OFF!"
"WHEE! I can fly!" Vidina said gleefully.
"No you can't," Willy retorted.
"Yes, I can!" Vidina replied.
"Nun-uh and sugar on top!"
"Dude, that doesn't even make sense."
"Yah-huh!" Willy said, sticking out his tongue.
"OH! LOOK! A spaceport! Let's dock; I bet Auron's there." Vidina said, pointing to a spaceport. The Highwind FFVII, the airship from FFX, the Celsius, and the gummi ship were all parked there as well.
"OH! LOOK!" Willy said excitedly, pointing to a neon sigh that read 'Karaoke Tonite'.
Vidina hit himself on the head and murmured, "You've got to be kidding."
Willy parked the ship and dragged Vidina in with him. He bullied through a slew of people, namely Cid (FF7), the other Cid (FF8), the other Cid (FF10), his son Brother, and the other Cid (KH). "Attention, attention!" he said, grabbing a mike. "I would like to say something to a certain someone, you know who you are. Anyways, the only way to settle this is…. A singing contest!"
The lights all dim out, and only a spotlight remains on Willy Wakka. He begins to sing.
"One way or another I'm gonna find ya
I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha
One way or another I'm gonna win ya
I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha
One way or another I'm gonna see ya
I'm gonna meetcha meetcha meetcha meetcha
One day, maybe next week."
Meanwhile, Auron, who is hiding among the various Cids begins creeping away, as Willy is too preoccupied with his song. He steals Willy's ship and begins blasting away into space.
"One way or another I'm gonna getcha, I'll getcha, I'll getcha getcha getcha getcha" Willy ended his song, and curtsied to the audience, who were applauding loudly. "Thank you, thank you. I knew this day would come!"
Vidina interrupted Willy's moment of glory by telling him of Auron's thievery.
"That villain! He shall pay! He didn't even sing!" Vidina smacked himself again. "Oi vey!"
So, Willy borrowed Cid's ship and flew in pursuit of the villainous Auron.
---some time passes ---- and some more things too ----
He finds Auron landed on a desert moon, and steps out of the ship. "You shall pay! Witness my power!" Willy pulls out a large candy-like sword.
Auron grins and brandishes his large, and real, sword. "I'm ready." He then pushes his arm out, revealing his shaven armpit. He grins and rushes at Willy.
"AHHH! EEKK!" Willy screams as he tries to dodge Auron's blows. But Auron is too fast and skilled, and Willy falls down, injured.
"I guess it's up to me now," Vidina mutters as he stands to face Auron. "I used to think you were okay, a prankster at worst. But now, I know the truth!" Vidina is growing angry and begins to glow. "DNA Digivolve to---"
Willy's spirit rises out of him and bonds with Vidina, who is levitating and glowing. Spirits of Digimon, Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, fiends, his friends, and water all combine to make—"SupaVidinoMegaZoidMonstamon!"
Auron grows wide-eyed at the monster standing before him. "Crap!"
"Behold the wrath of SupaVidinoMegaZoidMonstamon!" he screams as he slams his fist into the ground, barely missing Auron. Aurons runs at SupaVidinoMegaZoidMonstamon and hits him with his sword, but the monster does not even flinch. "Now, prepare to be digitalized! Digital Vortex!" And a swirling vortex sucks up Auron, placing him in the Digital World.
All of the spirits leave SupaVidinoMegaZoidMonstamon and he returns back to Vidina. He runs over to Willy and picks up the injured chocolatier.
Willy looks up at Vidina, and tears begin to form. "You did great…"
"Son?" Vidina says.
"Yes, you did great, son."
"Does this mean I get to call you dad?"
OMY! I'm so sorry about taking forever to update. First I couldn't think of ideas, than I went on vacation, then I couldn't find a way to write my ideas, and then I just like was in a total "I know I should write, but I kinda don't want to" kind of mood. But, even still, I don't really have a good excuse.
Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed this fic. And especially to everyone who like it! I hope to be able to write more little, funny, parody fics in the future, and your support will be most appreciated. Thank you again!