Itty Bitty Little Problems

By: Comm. Butler

Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or any of its characters, no matter how hard I wish and dream they are not mine, unless… Naw that's way too farfetched…

Author's Note: YEAHHH! A post! It's been FOREVER! I have been working my littltail off to get stuf written and now we're off! This story came to life after I spent time with my little cousin in Missouri. I wish you all could see him! He is super Kawaii! Anyway, this is totally Roy and Riza fluff so enjoy!

PS. Hughes is still alive, I thought it would make it more interesting.

Colonel Roy Mustang's Apartment


0145 Local

"UGH! I'm going… uh coming! Just quit your banging!" Roy protested as he stumbled towards his front door in his boxers. When his hand touched the doorknob the banging stopped and all was silent. Roy grabbed one of his alchemic gloves off the side table where he tossed them earlier that evening. Slipping it on he poised ready to blow up anything that walked through the door. He undid the several locks slowly and then flung open the door and jumped or rather fell over something into the hall.

"Oh fu…huh?" Roy looked over his shoulder from his position on the floor to see a basket sitting in front of his doorway.

"Oh great another fruit basket from Tanya what's her name, I didn't I tell her it wasn't going to work out? Why couldn't she just… holy shit!" Roy yelled as he pulled back the blanket to reveal a little infant grinning toothlessly up at him.

"OH NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" Roy scurried away from the baby until he bumped the wall across the way. It cooed and Roy about broke.

"DAMN IT! I've haven't done anything! The thing looks like three months or so. That moves it back to the Fall Festivals well there were too many too remember that well… not that was the festivals before last. I was with Hawkeye the whole time… not that it was a… NO I hadn't done anything!" Roy looked at the basket again and sighed when it began to whimper.

"Aw, damn. I'll see Hawkeye about it… NO! She can't find out! I'll just take it inside so it doesn't freeze. In the morning I'll worry about getting rid of it." Roy talked himself down as he picked up the wailing basket, baby and all and walked back into his apartment. Roy didn't know it then but it was going to take every ounce of patience he had for morning to come.

Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye's Apartment


0245 Local

"Oh hush baby! Shhh! You'll wake the neighbors!" Riza tried to quiet her loving companion Black Hayata but the loveable little dog wouldn't stop scratching and barking at the front door to her apartment. Riza grabbed her gun off the nightstand and unlocked her door while she clicked off the safety of her gun. Throwing the door open she pointed her gun out into the hall and then when her foot bumped something she pointed her gun so the barrel was directly in the face of a small infant in a basket at her feet. Black Hayata was licking its face happily and it started to cry.

"Black Hayata! Shoo! You're scaring it!" Riza ordered and tucking her gun into the elastic of her unmentionables underneath her silk robe she lifted the basket, baby and all. Closing the door with her foot she looked at the baby who on seeing her face in the light, began cooing. Riza smiled as the infant melted her heart. It was definitely a boy, maybe three months old if that.

"You are a cute little one aren't you?" Riza tweaked his nose and then turned away from the basket sitting on her counter intending to set her gun down and the baby started crying again. Riza tried to ignore it but halfway to her bedroom she dropped her gun on the floor and rushed to the baby. Stupid maternal instincts! She thought, but then that thought left her mind when she lifted the baby into her arms. He was so tiny and so delicate. There was no way she could just have somebody take him away just yet. He was left on her doorstep after all. She'd go see Grace in the morning for advice and then she'd go to work and the Colonel…

"Oh crap! What is he going to think! If I walk into Central with a baby oh no! I did take that two months of leave awhile back, but he wouldn't think… hell he doesn't know shit about babies or gestation times, I'm sure of it! He'll probably jump to conclusions…" The baby started crying and Riza changed her attentions.

"Oh I'm sorry, little one. Don't get all worked up. Shhh. It's alright…" Riza let out a yawn and began walking back and forth in her living room…

Roy's Apartment

Same Time

"Oh don't you have an off switch or something!" Roy muttered as he rolled the little girl over on the couch so she was on her back. She hadn't stopped crying since he'd found her. He had no idea was he was doing. He should just call the orphanage… no, no he could handle this. He'd dealt with rouge alchemists and homunculus everyday this should be a piece of cake. Besides babies were babe magnets.

"No! Don't think like that… oh be quiet would you!" Roy ordered the infant who went silent for a few seconds and then screamed louder. He picked it up and started walking around his apartment in circles. That seemed to help a little now it was just whimpering.

Roy Mustang was going to take care of this little girl… well for a day anyway. His first thought had been to ask Hawkeye of course. He remembered from the hall. He'd go see Grace in the morning for advise though. What did Hawkeye know about babies? He had to give her props for being a woman, but that didn't mean she knew it all. Grace would know and Hughes too. That's what he would do, Roy decided as he walked back and forth in his apartment…

Hughes Household

Just outside Central

0545 Local


Grace looked up from her cooking at the sound of the doorbell. Turning off the stove she walked to the front door and opened it to see her friend Riza Hawkeye standing on her front porch with a baby in one arm and a basket in the other as well as her purse and gun holsters.

"Riza! It's almost six in the morning! What's the matter?" Grace demanded, letting Riza in and taking the basket from her.

"Does anything look the matter to you Grace?" Riza almost snapped. She was so tired she hadn't slept since the baby arrived on her doorstep.

"Of course something looks wrong! You have a baby in your arms and you weren't pregnant three months and 22 days ago!" Grace bustled the two into the kitchen. Riza looked amazed.

"How do you know…"

"I'm a mother silly! Now let's see what you need. Diapers and pins, milk, bottles, toys, clothes… it is a little boy correct?" Grace already had milk in a bottle and heating in water on her stove. Riza nodded.

"Great I've got just the things! I'll be right back but we have to hurry before Maes wakes up. Lord he would have a field day and he would call the Colonel! It would be a military wide emergency if Colonel Mustang found out! Watch that the bottle doesn't boil and test it on your wrist it should be warm not hot!" With that Grace dashed out of the kitchen and down the hall. Riza followed her directions and when the milk in the bottle was warm, Riza took it and fed the little boy. She wasn't entirely clueless she had helped take care of Alicia before, but she just hadn't known where to start and what the signs were for what.

Grace skidded back into the kitchen ten minutes later with a huge blue bag.

"Everything you are going to need is in here. The diapers should be washed in hot water with plenty of soap, don't bleach them! I put powder in and everything. Five bottles with directions on washing and heating milk, he isn't eating solids yet, well maybe a little cereal but not much else. Ten little outfits when we had Alicia we had to buy even more clothes I even found the one that looks just like a military uniform, a few extra blankets, a stuffed bear the jingles, little booties, a bonnet you can't have a baby get sunburned, um let's see what else…" Grace continued to put things in and out of the bag and talking very fast about the details of baby care. It was the fastest crash course Riza had ever had, she was even shown how to change a diaper in thirty-one seconds, but she was a quick mind and absorbed it all easily.

"Any questions?"

"No. Thank you Grace."

"No problem, call if there is a problem. I would take him for you but Alicia would get too attached."

"I'm sure she would." Riza agreed and then quickly explained where she found the little boy as Grace was ushering her out the door.

"I wish you could stay but…"

"HONEY! Is there someone at the door? If it's the Colonel tell him I'm…" Riza heard Hughes groggy voice and then Grace shouted.

"HUSH! It's not all about you! Get your butt in the shower it's six am sharp! You need to be at work in two hours! It always takes an hour for him to say goodbye to Alicia." Grace mentioned to Riza and then the two parted quickly. It was going to be a long day for Riza, very long indeed.

Hughes Household

0715 Local


"I'm coming Colonel! Geeze keep your gloves… AGGH!" Hughes opened the front door to see a haggard and unshaven Roy Mustang standing on his porch with a wailing baby in one arm and a basket with a bottle of vodka and a little blanket in it. Roy looked like he could kill something.

"Come in sir!" Hughes let Roy in who set down the basket and then replied.

"Hughes, you had better help me here! I've been up all night with this woman and…"

"Isn't she a little young for you sir?"

"Shut up! She has kept me awake all night. I haven't lost so many hours of sleep since Hawkeye got ticked off when we took her workout clothes. Man talk about paranoia!" (AN: You will soon hear about the gym clothes adventure! I'm writing it now too!)

"What do you need help with Roy?"

"Make her stop crying and tell me exactly how to take care of her! Idiot!" Roy yelled the last word so loud that Grace came down the stairs.

"Is Riz… Roy! How nice of you to stop by! Oh a baby! It's absolutely darling! She can't be any older then three months and 22 days!" Grace took the baby from Roy and she quieted instantly.

"How did you know…"

"Oh I'm a mother silly. Maes dear go with Roy. Let him borrow some of Alicia's old clothes and other things. Pack the pink bag dear!" Grace called as Roy followed Hughes down the hall.

"Pink?" Roy wondered.

"But there my little Alicia's clothes all the cute little dresses and the booties…" Hughes was muttering as they walked into the nursery and he began to put stuff in a rather bright pink linen tote bag.

"Hughes, does it come in another color?" Roy asked and poked the bag.

"Uh no, I thought we still had a blue one from that first shower, but I guess not… you know how to change diapers right?"

"I've done it once."

"Close enough. It's rather self explanatory how about heating a bottle?"

"Umm Riza, I mean Hawkeye always did it when we watched Alicia…"

"Which was one time. Colonel you are going to be a terrible father."

"What makes you think it's MINE!" Roy shouted.

"I didn't say it was, but is it? Man I told you to get a wife not a mistress and/or a baby first." Hughes was genuinely interested now.

"MAES HUGHES! I see the little hamster wheel turning in your head and if you so much as mention the word baby out of reference to Alicia I will personally burn you to a crisp!" Roy growled. Hughes held up his hands.

"I wouldn't dream of it sir. Everyone will find out eventually. What will the Lieutenant say?" Hughes looked very concerned.

"Nothing because she isn't going to find out."

"What, you going to keep the baby in a supply closet and slip out every few hours to feed and change it? Here you go everything you need." Hughes handed Roy the bag and they walked back to the foyer together.

Grace greeted them with Alicia at her feet and the little baby girl dressed in a little pink lace dress with a bonnet on her head. She even had on matching booties.

"That was a fast change." Hughes noted.

"Oh it was just something I found. I fed her and changed her too."

"We were gone that long?" Roy asked.

"No I've just had practice. Here you can take her… oh careful of her head. Why don't we put her in the basket instead." Grace took the Vodka out of the basket and put the girl into it before handing it to Roy who had the linen bag on one shoulder.

"Oh! Roy you look… look like a father! A wonderful doting, loving father and a husband too!" Grace flattered him. Roy just felt even more stupid. He definitely didn't want Hawkeye to see him or know about this… ever. Roy made a hasty retreat and headed for Central. It was going to be a very long day.

So a good start?



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