Somewhere in the cosmos...

"That him?" Toltiir asked, pointing to the boy whose image had shown up in Mimir's Well.

"Yup, that's him." Xellos said, styling his purple hair.

"He's really going to try and read The Book." Peorth said, shaking her head at the stupidity of mortals. "After they warned him not to."

"He's curious." Death said. "I hope I don't have to pick him up yet. He's pretty cute."

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Kurt looked around, checking to see if anyone was looking his way. Satisfied that he was as yet unnoticed, he reached forward and carefully took hold of the members' logbook. Trying to keep watch in all directions, he moved so that there was something between him and anyone who would happen to look.

So far so good, he thought, relieved. Then he grinned internally. I'd make a pretty good ninja.

Getting comfortable, he placed the book in his lap. Now, he thought as he opened The Book to a random page, let's see what all the fuss and secrecy is about.

Hello app! it read. Don't you think we prepared for this eventuality?

Kurt barely had time to blink and think Huh? when he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

A few seconds later, a member picked up The Book, shaking her head. They lost more applicants that way. A pity. The guy was pretty cute. Oh well. Maybe he'll be one of the lucky ones who find his way back.

Shrugging, she went back to report to the mistress overlord princess priestess.

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The Cursed Log Book 1:

Kurt-kun In Konoha

by Shadow Crystal Mage

1st Incident: How The Heck Did I Get Here!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, someone else does (and he or she can keep it for all I care!). Neither do I own Ah! My Goddess, Angel, the Endless, Norse mythology, or Slayers.

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Sasuke was worried.

Before you all start calling Guinness Book of Records, maybe you should sit down and find out why.

He was worried because a few days ago, one of his teammates had collapsed to the ground, unconscious, in the middle of a sparring session. The were no obvious symptoms or causes. One minute his teammate was fighting with the usual pathetic level of skill, the next, BANG! Out like a light.

He, Kakashi and their other teammate had tried unsuccessfully to wake their teammate up, but to no avail. Finally, they had taken their teammate to the hospital, and Kakashi had had the three of then checked out as well.

The results were puzzling, to say the least.

The good news was that the three of them had a clean bill of health. The flipside was that there was nothing wrong with their teammate either. As healthy as they were, their teammate had simply collapsed. The only thing that could be found was slightly disturbed chakra.

Now, contrary to popular belief, Sasuke was not a heartless, pretty-faced bastard who wanted to kill his own brother. He was just a pretty-faced bastard who wanted to kill his own brother. If he seemed heartless, it was because he was very focused on killing his brother. It's also possible he has fears of intimacy and commitment, but that's future fodder for his marriage councilor...

Regardless, he was worried. You spend time around anything that doesn't try to kill you and if anything happens to it, you'll find yourself worried too.

As he brooded, staring blankly through the window he stood before, he became aware of a commotion behind him. As he listened, he managed to hear one word being repeated.

Awake...

Awake...

Awake.

His heart seemed to stop, then went into overdrive as he realized what they were talking about.

His teammate was awake.

He ran by those nurses so fast, the wind from his passing lifted their skirts, and they weren't wearing very long skirts to begin with.

Fast as he was, however, he found his other teammates there before him. Their teammate was slowly stirring on the bed, as if wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep. Blearily opening an eye, she raised a hand to her face.

The three of them sighed in relief. "Sakura..." Sasuke said under his breath.

Then Sakura stiffened. Slowly, she grabbed hold of a lock of her hair and held it where she could see it. "What the... pink?" she muttered. "What the heck?"

Abruptly, she looked down, and her eyes fixed on her chest. Said eyes widened. "No..." she breathed.

By now, the team seven guys were wondering if maybe something was wrong with Sakura.

One of Sakura's hands rose to her chest and squeezed. "No..." she almost whispered, dropping her hand as if scalded. Her legs squirmed strangely. "It's gone..."

"No..." she repeated, louder, starting to tremble. Head in her hands, she began to curl into a fetal position, her knees moving to her chest.

"Sakura-chan...?" Naruto asked, a bit warily.

Sakura shook her head violently. "No!" she said forcefully. "NO!"

Throwing back her head, she screamed.

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Kurt slowly returned to consciousness. Blearily, he opened an eye and raised a hand to his face. What happened? he thought. Last thing I remember is trying to read the member's logbook... Why does my head feel funny?

Close by, he heard what sounded like three people sigh, and one of them seemed to say, very quietly, the name 'Sakura'.

Kurt's hand hit a lock of hair that he didn't remember growing.

Slowly, he grabbed a lock and held it where he could see it. "What the... pink?" he said. "What the heck?"

Or at least, that's what he wanted to say.

Instead, someone else spoke, someone with a softer, lighter voice, using his mouth.

Abruptly, he realized his chest felt weird. Looking down quickly, he saw two things that men never, ever wanted to see on their own bodies. "No..." he breathed, and still some other persons' voice spoke.

Raising a hand to his chest, he squeezed. Yup, definitely there alright. "No..." he almost whispered, dropping his hand as if scalded. Too firm... he thought detachedly as his mind went on his first true panic in his life. Rubbing his thighs together made him aware of a man's worst nightmare. "It's gone..."

"No..." he repeated, louder, starting to tremble. Head in his hands, he began to curl into a fetal position, his knees moving to his chest.

"Sakura-chan...?" someone asked, sounding a bit wary.

Kurt shook his head violently. "No!" he said forcefully. "NO!"

Throwing back his head, he screamed.

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Sakura screamed. And screamed. And kept on screaming. And then screamed some more. And a little bit more, just for kicks. She only paused long enough to take a breath, and then she was at it again.

The situation couldn't be allowed to last, however. It was a hospital, after all, and hospitals had rules. Lots of them. So many rules that no one could possibly remember them all. All the nurses and doctors, however, were fairly certain that 'no screaming' was one of them. And if it wasn't, how would this girl know?

So a nurse came and firmly, hurriedly, told the girl to stop screaming. But the girl didn't listen.

Annoyed and a little bit alarmed, the nurse left to find a doctor and a pair of earplugs.

The doctor arrived and tried to patiently explain that the girl should stop screaming because it was against hospital regulations. Everyone knows about hospital regulations, which is written on solid granite with glowing, solid gold letters a foot deep and is never violated on pain of... well... very horrible things.

He had to yell to be heard over the girl's screaming, however, and probably a bit of his meaning and certainly a lot of his patience was lost in translation.

The girl either wasn't listening or didn't care, however. She just kept on screaming, oblivious to anything and anyone.

Now very annoyed and very alarmed, the doctor called for a sedative, a couple of orderlies and a pair of earplugs.

The orderlies arrived with the sedative. As they made to grab the girl so they could restrain her, however, they found she wasn't as oblivious as they thought. She struggled, hard, her shinobi-conditioned limbs putting up quite a fight. One of her flailings sent the syringe flying, causing it to break on the floor.

As the doctor was about to call for more sedatives, Kakashi, who had been forgotten along with the other team seven guys, sighed. The next moment, he moved, blurring as he came to stand next the screaming girl, and chopped at a specific cluster of nerves.

The screaming cut off as if someone had flicked off a switch, and Sakura collapsed back into the bed.

Kakashi looked at the doctor and orderlies. "That's how it's done." he said.

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When Kurt woke up much later, he was in a private room and bound securely to the bed. He also had a large cloth something stuffed into his mouth and held in place by the long length of bandage wrapped around his head several times, effectively silencing him. He also felt something in his right hand, but before he make out what it was, he heard a voice in his head.

Yes, that's right, a voice in his head.

About time you woke up, the voice said.

Kurt stiffened. A part of him remembered reading somewhere that hearing voices in your head was a sign of insanity. He wondered how true that was.

Hey! I'm talking to you! the voice yelled. It sounded familiar.

I'm going insane, Kurt thought. I'm hearing a voice in my head, I got turned into a girl and I'm going insane!

You're going insane! the voice said. I'm the one who lost control of her body and have a voice in her head!

Something clicked in Kurt's mind, and he realized why the voice sounded so familiar. It was the voice he had heard when he had spoken out loud earlier.

Wait a sec, he thought. I'm in your body! How is that even possible!

How would I know! the voice- she he realized- said. I just want you out!

Love to! he snapped back. Except I have no idea how to do that! I don't even know how I got here!

There was silence for a moment.

Then Kurt said, Sorry.

That seemed to throw the girl for a loop. Sorry? For what?

For answering the way I did, he said. I had no right to be rude. If it's your body, then I'm just a guest- an uninvited one, at that. But no matter what the situation, I shouldn't have been rude.

There was another moment of silence. Then:

Apology accepted. I'm sorry I was rude too. I suppose if you're a guest, then I should be a more gracious host.

Apology accepted.

More silence.

So.

So.

This is pretty danged surreal, isn't it? Kurt said.

Very surreal, his host agreed.

Oh, I don't believe we've been introduced. My name is Kurt. Kurt Bada. Or is that Bada Kurt around here?

A pleasure to meet you Kurt-san. My name is Haruno Sakura.

Then I was right the second time around. A pleasure to meet you Sakura-san.

The pleasure's all mine Kurt-san.

Yet another round of silence.

This is still very surreal, Sakura said.

Totally, Kurt agreed.

So how did you get here again?

Now that he wasn't on the defensive, Kurt made an effort to try to answer. I don't really know for sure. I remember freaking out when I realized I was in a girl's body-

I know, Sakura interrupted. I was there.

Again, silence, this time embarrassed.

You were? Kurt said.

Yes.

Ouch. Well, before that, I remember trying to read this book I wasn't supposed to be reading...

If you weren't supposed to read it, then why were you reading it? Sakura asked.

Because I was curious what all the fuss and secrecy was about, Kurt said.

Kurt wasn't sure, but he thought he picked up something that sounded suspiciously like a sigh.

Alright, Sakura said. Then what?

When I opened it, it said something like 'don't you think we prepared for this eventuality', and the next thing I knew, I was wondering why I had long pink hair.

Still more silence.

That's it, Sakura asked.

Yup, Kurt said.

They booby-trapped the book.

Certainly looks like it. Question is, with what?

I have no idea.

Silen- oh, you get the idea!

Are you famous? asked Kurt. 'Cause I swear I've heard your name somewhere before.

Kurt picked up what he realized was the mental equivalent of a blush. I don't think I'm famous.

Haruno Sakura, Kurt mused. It rings a bell, I just can't place it...

Abruptly, Kurt realized that he- or at least, the body he was inhabiting- was starting to get stiff. Maybe we should try moving? I think we're starting to cramp.

Sakura felt it too. Good idea. You do it. I've already tried moving and nothing happened.

Oh. Okay.

Experimentally, Kurt tried to move. He didn't get far; the restraints made sure of that. He- or maybe it's better to they- were also thirsty; the wad of cloth in their mouth felt saturated, but their throat was dry.

Guess they're not taking any chances after my little tantrum, Kurt said. Although this seems a bit much.

The way you were raving, it's hard to blame them, Sakura grumbled.

Look, I'm sorry, but it was a knee-jerk reaction! Kurt defended himself. What would you have done if you'd found yourself in a male body?

I guess, Sakura grumbled. But it was so embarrassing! What must Sasuke think of me!

Sasuke...that tickled something else in Kurt's mind. Sasuke who?

Again the mental blush. Sasuke Uchiha. He's my teammate.

Click!

Naruto! Kurt exclaimed.

Uh, yeah, he's my teammate too.

No, listen! Where I come from, there's this anime called 'Naruto', about a young boy who wants to be hokage! In this show, he has two teammates Sasuke and... Sakura... Kurt paused. Oh man! You're that Sakura. The one who has a crush on Sasuke!

What! Sakura said.

I got it! That stupid book sent me to another world! There was a pause. Cool!

Weird.

Actually, if anime is any indicator, it's pretty common. Although it usually means that the one transported has been prophesied to save the world. Ugh. I hope that doesn't happen.

Cramping...

Oh, yeah, hold on a sec...

Trying to move was as fruitless as the last time, 'til Kurt remembered the thing in their hand. Moving their head to face that angle, Kurt saw some kind of button. I think it's the nurse button.

Press it. Maybe they'll let us out. I'm thirsty.

Kurt pressed it.

An unbearably long five minutes later, a nurse arrived, looking wary. Kurt pointed at their mouth.

First person singular? Kurt asked as the nurse unwounded the bandage gag.

First person singular, Sakura agreed, realizing what Kurt was talking about.

"Could I please have a glass of water?" Kurt asked when the nurse had undone the gag.

The nurse gave them a look. "You're not going to start screaming again, are you?"

Kurt blushed. "Sorry. I don't know what came over me."

You did, Sakura remarked.

That's not helpful.

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After Kurt and Sakura managed to convince the nurse it was safe to let them go, they drank half a pitcher full of water to get the taste of the gag out of their mouth. Unfortunately, this brought a problem to their attention.

You know, I just realized, Kurt said as he put down their glass on their bedside table.

What? asked Sakura.

After drinking all this water, we're going to have to pee eventually. And I'm a guy.

Kurt let Sakura digest the unspoken implications of that.

I suppose we could always ask for adult diapers, Sakura said unconvincingly.

We'd still have to put them on, Kurt pointed out. Besides, I don't think our pride would stand for it.

What else can we do? asked Sakura.

Uh oh.

Uh oh?

I think we need to pee, Kurt said.

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- To be continued...

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A/N: My second fanfic! YAY! I'm so proud of me!

How else am I going to end this chapter. A resolution? I think not! But seriously, I couldn't think of any other way to end this chapter. Please bear with me.

Some of you probably thought that, since this is a self-insert, I'd pop myself into a male body. Heck no! That would be too easy! Beside, I think the genin girl is cute, and Sasuke's scene would then have yaoi overtones:

'His heart seemed to stop, then went into overdrive as he realized what they were talking about.

His teammate was awake.

He ran by those nurses so fast, the wind from his passing lifted their skirts, and they weren't wearing very long skirts to begin with.

Fast as he was, however, he found his other teammates there before him. Their teammate was slowly stirring on the bed, as if wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep. Blearily opening an eye, he raised a hand to his face.

The three of them sighed in relief. "Naruto..." Sasuke said under his breath.'

You get the picture. Nothing wrong with yaoi, of course, but it's just not my cup of tea. Creeps me out a bit. But hey, to each their own.

Besides, this is my self-insert, so I do what I want!

FYI, app is short for applicant.

For those wondering what the heck The Book was all about, here's the back-story. This semester, I happened to get it in my head to join my university's local anime enthusiast's organization (you know who you are). Now, joining is not just a matter of signing up. As of now (academic year 2005-2006), I am still an applicant, and will be for some time.

The organization is arranged thus: there are the applicants, who only just applied this year; there are the members, or mems as they are sometimes called, who passed the application phase already; and then there are the alumni, who have left or graduated from the university...

Now, the mems have what we call the mems logbook, which is, in theory, kind of like a blog where they write their thoughts and stuff. We apps have our own logbook (or blog book, as I like to call it).

Now, here's the thing. Only mems and alumni are allowed read, write on, or even touch, The Book (capitals entirely my own), whereas anyone can use the apps blog book.

So why all the secrecy? I have no idea. Most likely it's a privilege thing. You have to be a mem to have the privilege to use The Book. Most likely. Most likely...

More likely it contains private stuff though.Guess I'll have to wait. If I live that long...

(Sorry about the comments that used to be here. Will never happen again. Please don't kick me out...)

Anyway, regardless of the true contents of The Book, I wondered: what was to stop an app from 'appropriating' it when no one was looking?

So I thought: what if it was cursed?

And that's how this story was thought up.

Like my other story, "Shichinin no Sakura: Seven of Team Seven", this is a mild AU where Sakura is an orphan. This is so that I don't have to deal with her (practically non-existent) parents.

You know, my Naruto fics always seem to come together in hospital scenes. I have no idea why...

Please review, C&C welcome. Heck, even flames are welcome. That means at least it's being read, if not liked.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.

Trivia: I started writing this on my Palm Pilot. Yes, I have no social life of my own.

(Pathetic, aren't I?)