Ok, this is random hilarity, inspired by Barbarella's 50 things Draco's not allowed to do anymore. It just made me itch to write a fic on it. I didn't use all fifty, but my favorites.
Disclaimer: OH how I long to own Draco. I burn! I pine! I Perish!
Draco was Very Bored. Yes, it needed to be capitalized, he was indeed that bored. He contemplated for quite a while, and then snuck out to go reek havoc among his peers before exams.
"Hey, Draco is was wondering if you could help me with my potions-- hey, Draco?" A first year called, as Draco walked away, too immersed in scheming to take bother at the squiky little creature. "How rude!"
Then the bell rang, and Draco decided to plot happily through tranfisguration. He was a little sidetracked by having to take notes, but oh! The evil things his mind would create!
"Professor McGonagall, it's a flick and twist not a swish and twist." He reprimanded, earning himself a loss of five house points, and a very pissed off McGonagall. He stormed out of the classroom at the bell, cursing the evil wench for taking points when he was so right! Wait a minute…yes. that's perfect!
"hey there, you guys are first year Hufflepuff, right?" He asked, crouching down to eye level with the short pudgy group. He'd never been that small when he was eleven…
"I just wanted to let you know there really isn't a santa claus." He smiled. The group ran off sobbing hysterically and Draco laughed, long and hard. Now, for his next evil plot….hmm… He was deep in thought when mrs. Norris sauntered her way past him. Smirking gleefully, Draco scooped up the cat and muttered a charming hair removal spell.
He couldn't repressed a cackle when the bald cat ran through the Great Hall at dinner that night, while carefully avoiding the pumpkin juice. His efforts of not drinking were greatly rewarded, as a few seconds later Luna Lovegood Jumped on the table and began break dancing, followed by the Creevey brothers doing some impressive tap dancing, and (the icing on the sweet, sweet cake) Harry Potter began strip dancing around one of the banisters. The rest of the school fell into mass chaos a few minutes later, and Professor Trelawney rushed off to do god knows what with filch.
"Further more, we are looking into the recent batch of Loss of inhibitions potion that was placed in the school's pumkin juice supplies. Thank you, that is all." Dumbledore's magically amplified voice carried through the halls where he had just changed the password for the Hufflepuff entrance. They started crying after the first few tries to get in and Draco had to slink away to cackle.
"Hey, Ginny, right?"
"What do you want, Malfoy?" She snapped, Potter, and Granger eyeing me warily.
"Can I see your 'chamber of secrets'?"
Jaws dropped down the hall and he laughed even after the weaslette had given him a rather good slap.
He arrived to Charms a few minutes early and couldn't help burting into song when Potter entered the room.
"Hero! I need a hero! I'm holding out for a hero til the end of the night!" Potter turned bright red, and Flitwick fell off his books, squeaking in what sounded like utter hysterical laughter. Draco grabbed the little wizard's wand off the floor and held it up over his head, as Flitwick jumped to reach it, fingers barely scraping Draco's torso.
"You want it? Work for! Higher now! Almost there!" He instructed, laughing so hard tears of mirth were running down his face.
"Detention!" Flitwick gasped when he managed to get his wand back.
After a rousing day of singing 'Holding out for a hero' every time Potter entered a room, draco skived off detention with Hagrid by visciously crushing snails until the half giant cryed and sent him back to the castle. He had now finished jotting down facial alteration charms and was creeping into Snape's classroom. He set the note on his desk, and turned at a very odd sound indeed, like off key singing.
Draco crept up to Professor snape's private chambers and peeked inside, to find a truly horrifying site. Snape. In a towel. Singing I will survive into a mirror. He looked away quickly to find, lo and behold. Catnip…
He snuck quickly out and found where McGonagall was guarding the hallways. She went to change back where he walked forward with catnip in hand. She batted playfully, and stood on her hide legs, grabbing it and rolling around on the floor, sniffling and generally acting doped up. Draco laughed so hard he had to run to the loo.
After said journey to the loo, he walked out again, McGonagall writhed past on the ground, and he heard a chuckle. In thin air. He lunged at the "thin air" and came in contact with a body. A rather nice, male body. He clawed until he was face to face with…dum dum dum… Potter! Who else?
"well, well, well. We are in trouble…" Draco laughed.
"You can't tell anyone about this!" Potter panicked, looking around frantically. McGonagall writhed past again and both boys found themselves helpless with laughter.
"You know…that cloack could be fun, Potter."
"OH! Ah, right there! Oooh!"
"ohmygod. Aahh. Uggh."
Several people ran down the hall, shrieking about horny ghosts.
After the scene in the hall, Draco showed up to potions ten minutes late, utterly disheveled and stated that he got lost.
"no, no, you're just in time draco. Handwriting looks a bit familiar doesn't it?" Snape snarled, and went on a tirad about looking fine the way he is. Draco got another detention.
After class while walking with pansy and Blaise, Draco had the distinct want to feel pretty.
"TELL ME I'M PRETTY!" He demanded at pansy who complied in a rather shocked maner. "Thanks." Draco giggled like a school girl, then saw a mop of unruly black hair skirting down the hall.
"Hey, Potter, wanna have some fun?"
They proceeded to find some INTERESTING uses for whipped cream.
After he'd gotten Potter out of his system…for the moment…he grabbed a group of first years and dragged them up to the astronomy tower. He handed them broomsticks and knocked them off one by one. His excuse: "They had to learn how to fly some how."
"Hey, Granger, you look less and less like a beaver everyday!" Draco smiled. The bushy haired girl promptly ran off crying, and he face a Very Angry Potter. "What, I meant it as a compliment!"
He promptly scurried off. As Gryffindor was having a Quidditch match with Ravenclaw today, draco made a nice billboard on thin air, reading "Harry Potter Loves Cock!"
Then he sent Colin Creevey to go take pictures of the quidditch teams. In the showers. Yum.
"You there! yes you!" Draco snapped at a hideously ugly Ravenclaw and her Hufflepuff boyfriend. " I forbid you to procreate because you are unfortunately unattractive."
Apparently that gets you slapped as well. But Draco was unphased and he wandered down the hall contently, until he spyed a group of people by the door.
"Hey! Wanna see my 'basilisk'?" He called. They just kind of meeped…
He hummed happily as he drew through professor binns class.
"What is that you're drawing, Perkins?" Professor Binns asked. Draco proudly held up his lovely, pornographic stick figures and the old ghost fell over in an odd faint. Draco cackled all the way into the hallway as the bell rang, signaling lunch. Draco lounged a bit in the hall, just long enough for everyone to be in there.
He ran into the hall, much like Quirrel had in their first year, and shouted at the top of his lungs.
"THERE'S A GIANT ASTEROID HEADED FOR EARTH, WHO'S UP FOR END OF THE WORLD SEX!"
Students immediately started screaming and a group of rabid fan girls chased him out of the great hall. He got another detention.
After a rousing rant on snape hair looking lovely as it was, as someone left a bottle of shampoo on his desk, draco flailed an arm, smacking a random Gryffindor.
"So sorry. Seizure." He replied, whacking a Hufflepuff. This continued until people started smacking him back and blaming it on the same reason.
"hey, Professor Lupin. Nice of you to visit." Draco said conversationally.
"What do you want, Draco?"
"so… What are the mating habits of werewolves anyway?" This appeared very close to getting yourself slapped, and instead, the professor huffed off.
"Mr. Malfoy, this has gone on long enough. One more mishap and I'll take away 150 house points. Enough is enough."
"Yes professor. I'm sorry."
"Just be good."
"I will." Draco replied. He immediately scurried off and hid all his housemates undergarments.
Well, let me know what you think! I cackled the whole time I was writing this.