AN: So. I have a new life goal: finish writing this damn story that ate my face off. I've been stuck a long time (clearly) and have vague ideas of how I want this fic to go but not sure how to get there. I've rewritten a lot so it may seem disconnected. For a long time I told myself I wouldn't post anymore of The Myrmidons until I finished writing it. But you know what, that is unfair to you people! So, it's still not done, but I'm hoping that by posting what I have I'll find inspiration to finish, or ya'll can try more zombie threats, those probably work. Besides this chapter I have another chapter done and then a whole mess of bits that need to be strung together cohesively (I tend to write certain scenes and then find out how to connect them).
Warning: This is unbeta-ed, full of run on sentences, I think my writing style has changed for the weird, and some parts I like and some parts I wish came out better but hey, this is fanfic! I figure I should suck it up, post what I have done. Hopefully you all enjoy what I have to offer. Hopefully no one dies from shock that this story wasn't abandoned.
Attack on Hogsmeade
"Wow Harry, you look so much like James!"
Harry nodded reluctantly as he and Sirius eyed each other awkwardly. Sirius wanted badly to cheer Harry up and Harry just wanted to get back to sparring with Neville. "Yeah," Harry responded with a shrug.
"But your eyes… you got your mum's eyes," Sirius sighed and stared at his feet again.
Harry let the silence stretch for a few minutes. Moody was practically a statue in his chair as he watched the uncomfortable reunion play out in front of his desk. He ignored the 'please rescue me' looks Harry was sending his way. The kid could fight Voldemort but when it came to social situations outside of his Myrmidons he was hopeless. "So…" Harry began, "I'm glad you were exonerated. And I'm glad it wasn't you that—you know." Harry shrugged again.
"Ah, yes. I am as well. Thoughts of breaking out and getting revenge on Wormtail kept me sane." Sirius' eyes flashed in anger again. Peter Pettigrew had been photographed in rat form in a Weasley family photo that had been published in the Prophet. Sirius had broken out and traveled to Hogwarts and revealed Peter for what he was. It was an extraordinary story and Sirius had been exonerated of all his crimes and the ministry restored all the Black family holdings and estates to him. It had only been a few days and he still looked like a prisoner: pale, gaunt, shabby hair, and scraggly facial hair. Harry tried not to blanch at the order emitting from his Godfather's hair.
"Harry… I am your Godfather… and your parents left you to me named me as your guardian in their will…" Harry didn't think that sounded like a practical idea, leaving their only child to a slightly unstable, immature (even before his imprisonment) auror? "…And if you'd like, you can come stay with me. We could be a family, if you wanted."
Harry's eyes widened in shock. "No," he blurted out before his mind even began to process what he was told. "I mean, I'm sorry, but no. I couldn't leave my fam-friends." Harry tried to correct himself before he said family, but Sirius flinched anyways. What did he expect? Harry had spent most of his life thinking Sirius had been responsible for his parents' death and he had been raised with Roger, Neville, Mandy and Tracey. They were a family. "I'm sorry." Harry murmured again. He stared at his shoes wishing time would go faster.
"It's okay. Perfectly understandable," Sirius let out a reassuring smile, but it looked pained. "Is it all right if we still visit?" Harry didn't like that idea at all, wasn't this meeting painful and awkward enough? Why would he want to do this on a regular basis?
Moody still sat impassive. Harry wasn't sure if the man had blinked once during the meeting.
"Uh, yeah. That'd be great." Harry tried to sound happy about the arrangement, but Sirius didn't seem to notice the insincerity. He looked relieved, and like he might cry. Harry prayed to Merlin and Morgana that his Godfather wouldn't cry. Then what would Harry do? Probably run back to the safety of the barracks.
"Great. Thank you Harry. This means the world to me."
Barnabus Cuffe whimpered in fear and tried to press himself further backwards on the filing cabinet in an attempt to escape his captor. "I s-s-s-swear it!" He cried.
"Are you sure? I don't care what their threats are, I don't care if they threaten to close the Prophet or even hurt your family. You. Will. Not. Tell."
Barnabus whimpered again. His morning began as usual, reviewing office memos and proposed article ideas for the next issue of the Daily Prophet. He had been scoffing over Skeeter's latest proposed piece, but her sensationalist articles brought in the more revenue than all the other reporters, combined, when his office door blew off its hinges and nearly smashed into him. The door froze an inch from shattering in his face. Barnabus immediately began groping for his wand on his desk trying bravely to recall the training he had forced his employees to take in case Death Eaters ever decided to try and take over the Prophet.
"My apologies Mr. Cuffe." A smooth voice drew his attention to the imposing figure in his doorway.
Where was the rest of his staff? Officially the staff didn't start working until seven but a few of his reporters would be in early scanning auror reports trying to best Skeeter. "S-stay away!" Cuffe tried to sound like he wasn't afraid but his voice shook and came out an octave higher than normal. And where did his blasted wand roll off to?
"Looking for this Mr. Cuffe?" Barnabus looked back at the man in his doorway, who now began to take steps towards him and was holding his wand in his left hand. Barnabus whimpered. "Mr. Cuffe I know the Prophet's policy on not disclosing protected sources, but let's be honest-" The man grabbed him by his shirt collar and picked him up, effortlessly, to slam him into a row of file cabinets that lined one of his walls, "-the Prophet's integrity has been questionable lately, wouldn't you agree?"
"How dare you? The Daily Prophet has been running for over a century and has always been focused on delivering the news." Barnabus finally found his backbone to defend his life's work. He glared up at the intruder only to gasp when he got a better look at his attacker, "Harry Potter?"
Harry nodded, his green eyes flashing with repressed magic and the room seemed to shudder with repressed power. Barnabus could feel all the potential magic bubbling in Harry, and it was terrifying. "Mr. Cuffe, you will not tell the Minister who took those photos at Hogwarts, am I clear?"
This brought Barnabus back to the present, "I will not let the source be revealed." Harry's eyes flashed dangerously as he smiled, a predatory smile full of teeth. Barnabus whimpered again. "Good to hear. Just remember Mr. Cuffe, I am the one that will defeat the Dark Lord, I have been training my whole life in dangerous magic and combat, now, you wouldn't want me to focus all that energy on you, right? Because whatever Scrimgeour threatens, I will do worse, and that's a promise."
"Yes sir" Barnabus nodded. He believed every word.
Harry's smile turned slightly less scary and he released his grip. "Now that that's all cleared up, good day," He nodded and then disappeared.
Cuffe blinked in surprise, the apparition didn't even leave a customary pop sound, and slowly sank to the floor. There was no doubt in his mind that Harry Potter would defeat Voldemort, he was awe inspiring, but at the same time Cuffe feared for the Wizarding World, had they created something worse in the effort to defeat the Dark Lord?
One of his reporters, Winkus Oddpit, entered his office waving a file around, "sir can I run this story by you—Good lord! What happened to the door?"
"I don't see what his problem is, the Wizarding Age of Consent is seventeen, and the British Age of Consent is sixteen. So is it me then?" Later that same morning found Mandy pouting over a plate of eggs and toast with Tracey having a girl talk. They liked to think it made them normal. Too bad even their girl problems weren't normal.
"Mandy, he helped train us and helped raise us, I'm sure he sees you more as a kid sister or even daughter, so naturally he would not be sexually attracted to you." Tracey tried to point out reasonably. But Mandy had never been prone to reason.
"Whoa, what's going on here? What are you two talking about?" Neville exclaimed as he and Roger joined them.
"Given the few keywords: Age of Consent, helped train us and raise us… I'm guessing Mandy's long infatuation with Shacklebolt." Roger analyzed.
Roger and Neville both sat down at the end of the Hufflepuff table, Roger next to the mopey Mandy and Neville next to Tracey. There were very few Huffelpuffs around so Mandy thought the topic of discussion would be safe.
"Mandy has a long infatuation with Shacklebolt?" Neville sputtered, "Why am I the last to know everything?"
Roger smirked, "probably because you're oblivious, Mandy makes more moon eyes at Shacklebolt than a David Bowie fan girl."
"David Bowie doesn't care about age differences," Mandy mumbled resentfully into her coffee mug. Tracey rolled her eyes.
Neville eyed the bummed Myrmidon with a skeptical eye, "is that why you've started wearing slutty outfits a year ago?"
Tracey nearly choked on a mouthful of pumpkin juice and sprayed some all over the tray of toast in between her and Mandy, but nobody took any notice. "Damn Neville you got balls!" Roger laughed.
"Nev has balls? Since when?" Harry joked as he appeared. He examined the toast and managed to find a safe slice before munching.
"Harry, how was Cuffe?" Roger asked, instantly turning serious.
Harry nodded, "we chatted. He won't be revealing the source." Roger nodded and smiled in satisfaction. He knew better than to ask questions, at least in front of the others.
"Whoa, hold up, now what are you two prattling on about?" Neville eyed the two he saw as brothers.
"Nothing Nev, just some damage control. Don't worry about it." Roger smiled genuinely. Neville shrugged and turned back to Mandy, who was glaring fiercely at him.
"What do you mean 'slutty' clothes?" She hissed.
"Oh are we talking about that red dress?" Harry slid smoothly into the conversation. Neville completely forgot about Cuffe as he started laughing. Harry was joking and smiling, not revealing his morning activities in the slightest. Roger looked over at the Gryffindor table where Dennis Creevey was eating his breakfast, unaware of the efforts that were going on to protect him.
The rest of the week seemed to stretch for years. The students were giddy with the thought of a Hogsmeade weekend. Most were barely paying attention in class and surprisingly Professor McGonagall was assigning more detentions than Professor Snape. Of course, Sirius seemed to be encouraging the students' behavior.
"So you taught Jimmy Peakes the slug-vomiting charm?" Harry was trying not to laugh. Sirius was a terrible role model, who knows how Harry would have turned out if he had actually been raised by Sirius, but this was terribly funny.
"Ha! That Slytherin boy had been picking on him for months, he got what he deserved." Sirius grinned and propped his feet up on his desk. He and Harry were lounging in his office after dinner sipping fire whiskey. Sirius hadn't attended as he was behind on grading essays and Harry was catching him up on a prank in the Great Hall. It was Wednesday night, and after the fourth year Slytherin/Gryffindor class had let out that afternoon Sirius had held Jimmy Peakes after to teach him the slug-vomiting charm, which the boy promptly used on Malcolm Baddock, a Slytherin fourth year that had been teasing him all year, right before dinner. Peakes now had detention and Baddock had lost his appetite, probably for days. "Besides, that wasn't nearly as bad as anything Prongs and I ever did to Snape when we were in school," Sirius fondly recalled his marauder pranking days.
"You and the marauders used to prank Snape? Is that why he hates me so much?" Harry frowned. He hadn't bothered to find out why the Potions Master despised him so much. Harry hadn't much down time since coming to Hogwarts, and when he did he usually spent it with Draco. Plus he did his best to avoid the Potions professor so he wouldn't be tempted to hex or punch the potions professor.
"Oh yeah, mostly Prongs and I, Remus usually lectured us but rarely stopped us and Wormtail—" Sirius' face darkened for a moment as he thought of his former and traitorous friend, "Well, we had loads of fun riling Snape up. You know, he used to have a crush on your mum."
"Oh yeah, he'd follow her around, study with her, it would drive your dad batty."
"Snape and my mum?" Harry was completely bewildered. Granted he didn't know much about his parents, especially their youth. But the thought of his pretty Gryffindor mother studying with the greasy Slytherin potions master seemed bizarre. How did that ever come about?
"Oh there was this one time, it was absolutely hilarious, your dad pantsed Snape right in front of your mum. He was wearing these old, gray underpants too. Oh it was hysterical!"
Harry frowned again. That didn't sound funny at all. It sounded pretty mean. Merlin's beard, was his dad a bully? No wonder Snape hated him, especially since people like to tell him how much he looked like his father.
"But Jimmy, he got that Malcolm kid good?" Sirius interrupted Harry's musing.
"Oh, yeah, he started puking slugs all over the Slytherin table. It was mass chaos," Harry confirmed. Draco had been very upset about the slugs sliming their way around the dinner table, no doubt he would have cast a very nasty retaliation hex on Jimmy Peakes if Harry hadn't stopped him. Tracey had escorted Malcolm to Madame Promfrey but not before he had puked up seven giant slugs that proceeded to crawl through the dishes of food on the table.
"Classic!" Sirius giggled. Giggled like a first year Hufflepuff. Harry started chuckling as well; he had never seen his Godfather so carefree. Sirius actually looked his age for once, Azkaban had aged him and he normally looked fifteen years older than he really was, but now he looked mid-thirties while he was laughing. It was refreshing. Harry basked in the closeness he finally felt with his Godfather. It had taken years but finally he was comfortable with him.
The next day Harry finally met with the Hogsmeade Mayor.
Hogsmeade was a very small town, which made organizing patrols with the limited amount of Aurors and Myrmidons easier. There was only one main street, High Street, with most of the shops and then a few side streets with residential houses and Hog's Head. The Mayor's house was on High Street, a red brick Tudor style house with a tidy lawn and an award winning garden out front.
The Mayor was very accommodating with Harry and his wishes. He agreed to the emergency Anti-Apparation wards, and the patrolling forces, and he asked personally to attend one of the patrols with Harry, who agreed, and refrained rather well from rolling his eyes. Of course there would be a reporter probably taking publicity shots. But Harry figured he could use some good PR, after all the last time he was in the paper it was photos of him and his Myrmidons fighting.
Not too many Aurors could be spared for Saturday, it was just Sirius Black, Nymphadora Tonks, and two Harry wasn't really familiar with, Savage and Williamson. The Ministry was having their yearly Halloween Ball at the London Conservatory of Magical Flora and Fauna. Scrimgeour wanted all his all the Aurors at the ball in case of an attack, it seemed a far more likely target than school children, but Moody helped convince Scrimgeour that 'constant vigilance' was necessary, so he let Moody send three Aurors to patrol Hogsmeade with Sirius and the Myrmidons.
Saturday morning was absolute chaos. McGonagall looked ready to pull her hair out trying to get the third years and older in line so she could verify only students with signed permission slips were present.
The mayor joined Harry and Neville on patrol not long after the students arrived. The Mayor was attending the Ministry's Halloween Ball in the evening but he still wanted his moment with Harry Potter. So Harry and Neville took their smiling shot with the Mayor and gave a few quotes for the reporter. ("Hogwarts has never been safer" and "I am confident Scrimgeour has everything under control") Harry figured the last quote should keep his slave driving boss off his back for another week. Hopefully.
The patrols were uneventful but Harry felt uneasy, as did the other Myrmidons. As a precaution they wore muggle tech, communication devices that they obtained during their military training. They were subtle; none of the witches and wizards in Hogsmeade seemed to notice the small, black earpieces. Mandy loved them, she felt like a spy and on previous missions she would hum the James Bond theme much to her friends' annoyance.
It was still several hours before Harry could meet up with Draco. There was only a little more than an hour before students were due back in the school but Harry figured that would still be enough time for a few drinks and a delicious cake that was supposedly the only good thing on the menu at Hog's Head.
Draco had spent most of his time at Gladrags with Blaise, Pansy and Daphne Greengrass trying on clothes. Draco ordered a muggle inspired ensemble that he hoped Harry would like. The trousers were called 'jeans' and Draco recognized them as something Harry wore quite a bit. Draco thought the fabric was odd but they made his ass looking amazing so he committed.
Harry and Draco were walking down an alley heading towards Hog's Head when Harry felt the anti-apparation ward shudder. Without any warning he pulled Draco into a narrow space between buildings, it was about a meter wide, and Harry saw only a brown cat eyeing them curiously from a window sill.
"Harry, are you trying to get a little frisky? What about this date?" Draco looked up at him through long lashes coyly.
"Draco, something's wrong, something—"and then he felt the ward break completely. "Shit," Harry cursed.
Draco had been taught to register irregularities in magic patterns, also felt the disturbance when the ward broke, but he didn't know what it was. He moved back further into the shadows. "What was that?"
"Roger's prediction coming true." He replied grimly.
Harry turned his ear piece back on to hear the chatter between Mandy and Roger, "I'm at Honeydukes, so far nothing."
"Three Broom Sticks is also clear—wait, no, three figures coming down High Street from the Station."
"Roger who was stationed up there?" Harry asked.
Another anti-apparation ward went up, the magical signature was different too, so it wasn't Tonks or Black re-erecting the previous one. Harry cursed again. "Shit. Okay, we need to see how we can start evacuating people, Tracey?"
"I'm on it"
"The rest of you try to get everyone away from the windows and take cover if possible. Try to get the prefects to look after the third and fourth years, try to keep everyone calm." Draco admired Harry as he took command and gave orders. The man was so attractive when he had the look of determination on his face. Draco tried to shake off his arousal, this was about to be a battlefield, he couldn't be distracted by Harry's good looks or he'd get hurt. Or worse.
Draco moved back to the mouth between the two buildings and peered down the alley in the direction of Hogs Head, after the tavern the road tapered off into meadow. Right on the edge stood three black cloaked figures wearing masks. Draco quickly retreated backwards nearly plowing Harry over. Harry steadied the blonde and grimaced, "Death Eaters?" Draco nodded.
"Harry, you'll never believe what Weasley told me." Tracey's voice came back over the comm.
"Ron?" Ginny should still be at Hogwarts, she was still under probation for the diary incident and had been banned from Hogsmeade for the weekend.
"Ron. He says there's a secret passage in the Honeyduke's cellar that leads back to Hogwarts. His brothers showed it to him right before they graduated."
"Mandy?" Roger beat Harry to the request.
"Harry, they have Williamson."
"There are three Death Eaters in the street dragging Williamson down the road." Harry could hear screaming in the background of Roger's com.
"It gets worse. One of them grabbed a girl."
"Student or townsperson?"
"Student. I believe its Luna Lovegood."
"She looks calm actually; it's everybody else that's freaking out." Harry heard as Hermione in the background trying to calm people down and telling them to stay away from the windows.
"Attention citizens of Hogsmeade and students of Hogwarts!" A voice boomed through the town via a sonorous charm, Harry could hear it in their hiding place as well as echoing through the coms. "If everyone remains calm and cooperates, there will be no need for lethal force."
"Roger do you have an eye on this guy?" Harry asked and observed Draco's nervous figure. Harry wondered briefly why Draco was scared of Death Eaters, he was raised by one after all.
"Yeah, he's one of the three standing in the middle of the street. One has Williamson, one has Lovegood, and the third is the one speaking" Roger relayed.
"Harry there is a passage of some sort in the cellar, no clue where it goes but it looks like Weasley is right." Mandy reported.
"Mandy, you get everyone in Honeyduke's down there and lead them through it. If it goes to Hogwarts, brilliant, we'll try to get others down there too. If not, it should be a safe hiding spot."
"Got it," Mandy responded. Mandy quietly and calmly began speaking to the students in the sweets shop and began herding them into the basement. Mandy had a seventh year prefect, Terry Boot, take the lead so that if any Death Eaters found the tunnel they would have to get through her to get to any students.
"Draco, we need to find a safe place for you," Harry whispered as he edged closer to the entrance of the narrow alley. Harry peeked around the corner to eye the three Death Eaters that were outside Hogshead. They looked like they were about to enter the pub.
Draco had no desire to move anywhere, towards or away from danger, since the town wide Death Eater announcement. He barely heard Harry.
"I know you are a powerful wizard, but I would feel better and concentrate better if I knew you were safe." Harry spoke carefully, he didn't want Draco to be angry at him on top of all the shit going down.
Draco finally looked Harry in the eye and nodded. "There's a barrel," Draco gestured, "I'll crouch behind it and not come out until I'm sure it's safe."
"Are you sure?" Harry frowned. He has expected Draco to protest and insist on coming with him. Was something wrong? But Harry didn't have time to contemplate Draco's uncharacteristic behavior. The Death Eaters had just blown off the door to Hog's Head. Draco took his position behind the barrel and Harry took off at a sprint towards them. The Death Eaters didn't notice Harry coming up on them. Sirius was in Hog's Head and when the door blew open he cast a fire spell out the door. Two of them dodged but one was hollering as his robe caught fire.
"Expelliarmus!" Harry shouted and all three wands flew to him. The closest Death Eater turned on Harry and launched himself at Harry. Harry was taken by surprise, he hadn't expected a non-magical attack from a Death Eater and the man did manage to tackle him to the ground but Harry immediately retaliated and used the momentum to flip them over. He then punched the man so hard his mask cracked.
"Move again and the girl dies!" The Death Eaters must have been monitoring each other as the Death Eater with Luna Lovegood was standing at the High Street junction with his wand on the girl's throat. They were three buildings down from Harry, too far to try anything without getting Luna hurt. Harry eased off the man below him and stood with his hands raised. The Death Eater he had punched hastily stood up and grabbed the wands from Harry before punching Harry in the gut. The Death Eater that had been on fire had distinguished himself somehow and he and the third grabbed Sirius. No one else was in Hog's Head. Sirius had been a distraction so the people that had been inside could hide. The Death Eaters didn't seem too concerned though and they marched Harry and Sirius down the road to High Street. Harry chanced a glance at Draco's hiding spot as they went by but he thankfully didn't see the blonde.
There were now ten Death Eaters in a loose circle on High Street. Harry and Sirius were shoved to the middle of the circle where Williamson laid unconscious still. He had a bad gash on the side of his face that was bleeding quite heavily. "Now what did you two not understand about cooperate?" The Death Eater that had spoken via the sonorous charm spoke again. His voice was smooth and authoritative, Harry guessed that not only was he in charge of this mission but he was part of Voldemort's inner circle as well.
"That's no surprise, even when my cousin was a boy he refused to cooperate. How many times did your mother lash you?" Harry and Sirius both turned to face Bellatrix Lestrange. She whipped off her mask and cackled gleefully. Harry frowned at her yellow teeth and sallow skin. When had she gotten out of Azkaban? He hadn't heard of any break outs. And by the looks of it she hadn't been out long.
"Well he better cooperate now or else this poor girl will lose her life," the main Death Eater threatened in a congenial tone.
"Luna, are you all right?" Harry asked carefully.
"Oh yes Mr. Potter. These men grabbed me as I was on my way back to the castle. I have cooperated so that they won't cast any unforgivables on me." She responded in her light, airy tone as if she was talking about the weather instead of Death Eaters holding her at wand point.
"Potter?" A different Death Eater hissed.
"Harry Potter?" Bellatrix pranced forward, wand out and ready, and approached Harry with a skip in her step. She stopped in front of him and frowned. Harry tried not to gag at the smell of her breath as she leaned in. With her wand she moved his hair to reveal his scar. "Harry Potter!" She started cackling again and danced backwards, away from him. "Our Lord will be so pleased with this gift!"
"Think for a moment Bella, dear, if Harry Potter is here then so are his trained dogs," the lead Death Eater reminded. The other Death Eater glanced around uneasily but no one was at a window, or door, or perched on a roof. At least not visible.
"You're also missing a couple of Aurors. There are more than these two." Harry nodded to his Godfather and his unconscious colleague. Harry knew the wizards couldn't hear his comm link that he and his Myrmidons shared, nor did they know to look for it. Harry listened to Roger outline his plan. Harry sent Sirius a meaningful look.
Sirius nodded and turned to his deranged cousin with a smile, "Bella, it's so good to see you again. But you look awful, don't you know Dementors make terrible hair stylists?"
Bellatrix shrieked at the insult, "You shut your filthy mouth traitor!" She pointed her wand at Sirius and, "Crucio!"
Sirius buckled under the pain but tried not to call out. With the Death Eaters focusing on Bellatrix's spell Tracey and Tonks, both had maneuvered to the roof of the post office during Harry and Sirius' altercation at Hog's Head, leapt down. Tonks started shooting off stunners and Tracey petrified the man holding Luna Lovegood. Chaos erupted. Harry barreled into the Death Eater holding his wand. Tracey grabbed Luna and took off down a side street. Bellatrix was forced to end her curse. Sirius rolled into a Death Eater that had his wand pointed at Tonks.
Neville and Roger burst onto the scene throwing spells. Savage came barreling down the street hollering at the top of his lungs and throwing stunners without aim. One nearly took out Neville, but he ducked as it whizzed by his cheek. Harry wrestled his and Sirius' wand away from the Death Eater and called for Sirius's attention before tossing the wand to his Godfather. Sirius grinned began casting the second it touched his palm. Harry, who had always been a fan of hand to hand combat, punched the Death Eater he had just robbed right in the solar plexus and whatever spell the man had been trying to cast fizzed out.
"Avada Kedavra!" Harry turned to dodge, or block, or anything he could think to do against the unforgivable. Bella's insane eyes were wide with glee and Harry was diving for the ground and returning a nasty cutting hex. He realizes too late that the killing curse wasn't for him. Sirius had a victorious snarl on his face; he had a masked death eater tied up with magic chains and the death eater's wand in his hand when the curse struck the center of his chest.
And then he was gone.
AN: Cliffhanger? I promise a) the next chapter will come out in a few days, and b) it has porn. Actual porn. Woo!
Review to tell me you hate/love me!