"What about Usopp?"
"Are you serious?" Zoro replied incredulously.
"Of course I'm fucking serious! Usopp's sexy."
"Yes! He has that awesome, sinful, should-be-illegal, lush mouth. How could you watch the man speak and not think that he's damn sexy?"
"I don't watch him speak!"
"Yeah, you wouldn't. But you can't tell me that that nose of his doesn't do it for you. Even you have to realize how goddamn phallic that thing is."
"Well…now I do. . . I guess"
"Whatever. So, Usopp doesn't do it for you. Let's move on to someone a little easier. How about Vivi-chan?"
"Vivi is just a little kid, you pervert!"
"A kid? What are you talking about? She's almost the same age as you, idiot!"
"Doesn't matter. She's still just a kid, and I don't think that way about her."
"Well, good, because she's way too good for you anyway."
The pronouncement barely phased the man sitting across from him on the rear deck. Sanji lit another cigarette and the match glowed harshly against the still night shadows before dying to a thin line of smoke.
"Vivi-chan had a little crush on you, you know."
Zoro shot him a disgusted look.
"She did not."
Sanji rolled his eyes.
"You are so fucking dense. She so did, Mr. Bushido. Her lovely, but sometimes questionable judgement in such matters managed to tick poor Nami-san off on more than one occasion."
A horrified expression suddenly spread over the swordsman's face.
"W-why would Nami care? You're not saying that she, uh, had, you know, feelings for me or anything."
Sanji nearly leapt to his feet.
"ABSOLUTELY NOT! Nami-san is far too intelligent and lusciously clever to have any sort of interest in a dim-witted ape like you!"
Zoro's eyes closed in relief, while the cook tried to calm down.
"What I meant, moron, is that Nami-san didn't like Vivi-chan's unfortunately misguided affections that she seemed to have for you."
The other man looked at him blankly.
"You know, on account that she and Vivi-chan were . . . close."
A vacant blink.
"Oh, never fucking mind."
Zoro frowned and was silent for a long moment.
"Is this some sort of girl thing?" he asked at last.
The blonde chuckled softly and shook his head.
"Yeah, its definitely some sort of girl thing."
Zoro snorted, and looked to the side in disinterest.
"Fine, why don't you pick someone?" Sanji prodded.
Zoro glared at him. Sanji laughed and grabbed playfully at the other man's knee.
"Come on. Name someone from the crew, present company excluded of course, that you would fuck if you had the chance."
Zoro sighed and said, "I don't fucking know. Chopper, I guess."
Sanji instantly began choking on a full lung of smoke. Zoro, the inconsiderate asshole, made no attempt to help him.
"Cho-" he wheezed, "Chopper is an animal!"
"He's sort of human."
Sanji put his head in his hands.
"Sort of human. That's the height of your standards."
"I dunno. He gets big sometimes. He looks kind of good."
Sanji looked at him. Zoro looked back nonplussed.
"Er, let's move on."
The swordsman shrugged.
"How about Luffy?" Sanji ventured.
Zoro looked uncomfortable, and wouldn't meet his eye. Sanji took this as a sign of encouragement.
"Now Luffy would be interesting on account of how flexible that rubber body of his is. Do you really think that his dick is actually made of rub—"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"But, if you think about—"
"I consider this conversation more than enough reason to kill you, Shitty Cook."
Sanji bit his lip, but was unsuccessful in completely hiding his grin.
"I hate to admit it, but that's just so…"
He saw Zoro's murderous glare, but was unable to stop himself from finishing.
The green-haired man instantly paled and his mouth dropped open. Realization quickly stole over the chef, and he threw his arms up defensively.
"No! I don't mean that YOU are cute! GOD, no!"
Zoro visibly started breathing again.
"I meant, you ugly asshole, that its cute the way you are with Luffy. You're so protective."
"Of course I protect him! He's my captain. What the hell are you talking about?"
"I don't mean protecting him in a fight or anything. I'm talking about how you get all defensive and upset whenever this kind of topic comes up. Its like you can't stand to think about Luffy in any kind of sexual context."
The other man winced.
"See? Why is it so hard to talk about the fact that our captain happens to have a dick?"
"Not every man is as interested in talking about other men's dicks as you seem to be."
Zoro was staring down at the deck as he spoke the clipped words, and Sanji felt that the other man was starting to shut down. He decided to stop that particular line of conversation. For the moment.
"How about Robin-chan? I think that she may be a little interested in you as well, the poor, beautiful, slightly-deluded woman."
Sanji looked surprised.
"You know? How do you know?"
Zoro gave him a pointed look.
"I just know. Its not like I have to get hit on the head with a frying pan or something in order to know that someone is interested in me."
Sanji gave him a pointed look.
"Well, not every time. Besides, she already offered."
"Did you say yes? She did not! She did? Did you say yes? Where was I? Did you touch her, Asshole? Did SHE touch YOU? How many hands? Did you say yes?"
Zoro paused and stared at him.
"Uh, no. She's too damn sneaky."
Sanji took a long pull on his cigarette, and had no idea how hard he was nodding his head.
"Well, naturally. She was probably only kidding, idiot."
"It doesn't matter, Cook. There's no need for you to get all upset."
"I'm not upset! Where do you get off implying that I actually care who offers t—ACE TRIED TO FUCK ME!"
"Oh, Ace tries to fuck everyone."
Sanji looked annoyed, and bit out, "This is a stupid conversation. Why are we having it?"
"Because YOU started it. Because this is your lame pathetic transparent attempt to seduce me or some other dumb-ass shit like that. Which is STUPID! If you want to fuck me, all you have to do is say "Let's fuck." and you know what? I'm going to say yes. Every damn time! The answer is ALWAYS going to be YES!
"And if you ask me 'why', then I swear to everything that is holy in this world, I'll kill you right now, and fuck your dead body just for spite!"
For a moment, everything was quiet.
"Cook. Do you want to fuck me?"
Sanji crushed his cigarette against the side of his shoe, pulled himself up on his knees, grabbed the front of Zoro's shirt, and tugged.
"Well, that was the whole point, wasn't it?"