Summary: When James and Lily have a huge fight, their wedding plans fall to pieces. And it's up to Sirius and Remus to save the wedding and re-unite them! But will they end up making things even worse when repressed feelings start to simmer between? Slash.
Warning: This fic contains cross-dressing, pre-marital strife, slash, slash, and more slash, and alcohol. If any of this distresses you, then please don't read.
Disclaimer: Insert witty disclaimer here
It was nine a.m. on a Saturday morning, not a time when the infamous Sirius Black was usually awake. This morning though, Sirius was unusually sleepy because he'd been out partying with James, Remus, and Peter. They were celebrating James and Lily's upcoming wedding, which was planned for the next Saturday.
Sirius was peacefully sleeping, dreaming of beer and sexy Brazilian models feeding him wedding cake when a phone started to ring. He moaned and rolled over, burying his face in the pillow. The phone kept ringing and finally Sirius flung an arm out and yanked up the receiver.
"Sirius!" James shrieked. "I reaaaaalllllllly screwed things up!"
"Mughhhhhhm hanging up now." Sirius groaned. He moved to slam the phone back on the receiver when he heard the shrill scream of-
"SIRIUS THE WEDDING'S OFF!"
The wizard yanked the phone back to his ear and grunted in question.
"Lils an' me had a row."
"…well give her chocolate or something," He yawned.
"No, no, it's realllllllllllly bad."
"…Fine, buy her really expensive chocolate."
"Sirius, this is serious!"
"No this is Sirius, your James." Sirius snickered.
"Sirius Lee Black, I'm not joking, the wedding is seriously off." James sighed. "She just packed up all her stuff and left."
"But you spent a fortune on that house!"
"Yeah, I know." The other man sighed miserably. "She woke me up and I was really hung over, so I was a bit…um….difficult and she started yelling, and getting all mad. And then I started yelling and then everybody was yelling. She said she hated the place I picked for the wedding-"
"Well Jamsey it is a pretty cheesy place, some obscure Scottish rock?" Sirius cackled.
"It wasn't a rock, it was a set of ruins, and they were going to play bagpipes, Sirius! Bagpipes! And they were going to do a bagpipe dance for us!" James pouted. "I always wanted to play the bagpipes."
"James, she practically told you she wanted a wedding by the sea."
"I remember when you started planning it, she was crawling all over you saying how ever since she was a little girl she dreamed of getting married by the sea." Sirius sighed. "Man, you are dim."
"What else happened?" Sirius asked tenderly.
"I told her she looked fat in the wedding dress."
"JAMSEY!" Sirius gasped. "Never tell your lady she looks fat! No matter how fat she actually looks!"
"But she looked like a bloody cupcake with boobs! It was awful!"
"And then," Sirius prompted.
"She said she hated the food, and I said I hated it too. And then she told me the flowers were horrible, and then I said the cake was horrible too. And then she called me a pompous jerk and started to pack up her stuff…then she left."
"Well go apologize."
"What's the point! I was so mad after she left that I called and canceled everything, the Scottish Ruins, the bagpipe players, the flowers, the cake, the caterer-"
"James the wedding is a week away!" Sirius yelled. "You've completely ruined it!"
"I didn't mean too."
"Whatda ya mean you didn't mean to! You canceled it all!"
"She deserved it!" James protested. "She was being such a crabby bitch!"
"You probably weren't a prince charming either….you didn't really call her a crabby bitch did you?"
"Crabby old bitch actually…"
"I'm calling Remus, don't do anything!" Sirius hissed.
"But I hafta got to the bathroom."
"Don't do anything! Just sit there and blink and breath." He commanded before hanging up. Sirius hung up and looked down at the phone, shaking his head. "Jesus James." He sighed and quickly dialed Remus' number.
"Sirius, it's nine in the morning and I have a killer hang over!" Remus snarled.
"Yes darling, I'm doing lovely as well," Sirius teased in a high pitched voice.
"Lils and James had a row and now the weddings off."
"…Tell him to go buy her some chocolate."
"No, no, Remus you see he canceled the Scottish bagpipe players-"
"Not the bag pipe players!" Remus moaned.
"Yes the bagpipe players, and he canceled the cake, the flowers, the location, the caterer, just everything." Sirius sighed. He looked down at the phone to see the call waiting light beeping, "Hang on a sec, Rem." The wizard hit the button, "Hello?"
"Lily just called to tell me she burnt the dress and the jewelry…then we screamed at each other some more." James hissed.
"Didn't I tell you not to do anything!" Sirius snarled in return.
"Well I thought she was calling to apologize!"
"James, do. Not. Do. Anything! Just answer the phone if I call, and only if I call!" Sirius instructed.
Sirius hit the call waiting button and sighed, "Remus Lily burnt the dress and the jewelry. We have no wedding, I repeat we have to wedding."
"…You're joking right?" Remus laughed. "Nice one, Padfoot,"
"Remus this is not a joke! Now be smart and come up with an idea!" Sirius yelled.
"You're joking…Sirius there's no way they would screw this up." Remus murmured.
"Lily packed up her stuff and left their house, Remus." Sirius hissed.
"James spent a fortune on that house! She loved it!" The werewolf gasped.
"This is not a joke, Remus."
Remus was silent for a moment before saying determinedly. "We've got to fix this."
"We'll have to put the wedding off." Sirius moaned.
"But they already sent the invitation's out!" Remus argued. "James has relatives in the states flying in! We can't postpone the wedding! We'll just have to fix it!"
"How! There's no location, no dress, no cake, no food, and no bagpipes!" Sirius responded. "Even if Lily and James did apologize to each other, they couldn't re-plan all that! They've been planning this for months!"
"We'll have to fix it for them."
"We? As in you and me?" Sirius asked doubtfully.
"Well seeing as Peter is out of town, yes you and me." Remus concluded. "We'll need a lot of cash, for bribes and all, and a wedding planner."
Sirius sat there dumfounded before finally stammering. "Remus you sound like me…this is insane! We can't re-plan an entire wedding!"
"Sirius, we can and will! We've been trying to get them together since 5th year. I have been waiting for this bloody wedding since they moved in together." Remus hissed. "Now are you going to help me or not."
"Anything you say, just don't hurt me!" Sirius squeaked.
"Excellent." The werewolf purred. "Now call James and tell him not to leave the house and ask for the number of his wedding planner."
"You got it, boss."
"I'm coming over, don't leave." Remus instructed before hanging up.
"This is going to be one weird-ass week," Sirius sighed before dialing James' number again.
Will Sirius and Remus get along with the wedding planner?
Will they be able to find a location?
And will Sirius and Remus ever get the Scottish bagpipe dancers back?
Find out in the next exciting chapter, and in the mean time please review as much as you want!