Disclaimer: I don't own the story or the characters from the movie (damnit I hate admitting to that!) but I DO own my character Rachel and some of the liberties I've taken with the character Vicki who is shared with fanfiction writer, and our crazy antics. Please be of note, these are the original chapters from Pirates Hilariousity and Vicki finally saw fit to send them to me. I will be praising her name to the highest heavens for forever now, and you should do the same. So for all of you who wanted to know what happened in our first seven chapters that you missed…have at it!
It was a normal night…to begin with that is. Pirates had just come out on dvd and of course that meant…PARTY! At least that was the case for my dearly obsessed friend, Vicki, and I. I had adorned myself in a gypsy costume, black, with coins jangling from every angle. Black cat eyeliner and lip gloss. I wasn't a pirate wench but close enough. Vicki appeared at my house in full Will Turner garb. Yes, we are those nerdly kinds of girls who dress up for movies, but only in the privacy of our homes.
We sat down to watch the movie. Laughing insanely at how well we knew the lines and could repeat them all word for word.
Whether it was the caffine and sugar we consumed that night or the simple fact that we watched the movie three times in a row, when we woke up we weren't in my house. Come to think of it, we weren't even in the twenty first century…
Vicki called my name.
"Uhg...I feel like crap." I muttered, not yet opening my eyes.
"Rachel, wake up! There's Jack Sparrow!"
I sat up like a shot.
"What! Where? Where? Oh, where is my sexy Captain of the Black Pearl!"
Vicki's hand slapped over my mouth, "Shut up! You'll draw attention to us!" She hissed, then let go.
Sadly, I was still sort of out of it and was stalled on the fact that no Sparrowy fun was to be found. "Heeeeyyyy!" I whined, "I don't see my Sparrowy Squirrel! You tricked me!"
Vicki looked at me oddly, "Ok, I'm not even gonna ask why you gave him a pet name like that."
I rubbed my eyes tiredly, getting the crusty sleep out of them, "I call him that because seeing him turns me into a rabid squirrel." I explained
"Oh, now it ALL makes sense…but we've got more pressing matters to deal with…"
"Um Vicki…?" I began, looking around.
"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."
This had to be a dream. It looked as if we were in an alleyway. A market bustled with activity just beyond us. It looked oddly familiar too. Can't think of where I'd seen it before.
"Wow, Dorthy," Vicki snapped, sarcastically, "you catch on fast. I KNOW we're not in Kansas anymore (not that we ever were but that's beside the point) We're not even in the same CENTURY!"
I put my head in my hands, "Ok, let's just think about this rationally," I murmured.
Vicki gaped at me, "RATIONALLY! We're in the freaking 18th century! YOU be rational, I'M going Turner hunting!" She got to her feet, I pulled her back down.
"Do NOT leave me here." I warned her, "We have to have some sort of plan."
"Psht! Forget a plan, I want Will! And besides, this is probably a dream anyway." She got up again, I pulled her down yet again, "Ow, hey!"
"And what if it isn't a dream, Vicki!" I shouted in a whisper, "We have no idea what the HELL we're up against here. We need to show some caution…"
"Caution…smaution," she scoffed, "If I say it's a dream then it's a dream."
This time she got up I let her go. Getting to my own feet I dusted off my black peasant skirt. "Fine. We'll just go our separate ways then."
"Now you are thinking around my lines!" She said, grinning from ear to ear. She turned to go, walking from the alley. I rushed after her.
"Wait! Ok, ok hold on! I think we should find a meeting point, so we don't lose each other."
Vicki paused thinking, "Ah, I have it!"
"In other words 'Eureka!'" I exclaimed. I think the sugar was still influencing me.
"The Blacksmith shop! Jack and Will meet there!"
"You're right. Ok, have fun tracking the elusive wild breed of Turner, I'll see you there." She grabbed my arm as I turned away.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm in a dream about the Pirates of the Caribbean. Somewhere out there is a very inebriated Captain Jack Sparrow. Where do you THINK I'm going?"
Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped, "The docks. You are soooooooo BAD!"
Winking, I turned away, "I know."
I walked down to the docks jingling jovially. It was hot as hell and I silently exhaulted in the fact that I was a girl and could wear skirts. There was a pleasant breeze below which kept me cool. I entertained myself greatly by trying to imitate Sparrow's famous drunken swagger on my way hoping to meet the infamous buckeneer.
As I made my way to the water and the boats (sorry I mean ships) on it, a loud call rang out.
"Ey! You there!"
I spun around on one foot, trying to keep true to the nature of Sparrow's walk. But it seems the shout wasn't meant for me, but for a man aboard one of the nearby ships. A vaguely familiar man.
Two royal guards dashed on board the ship, "You're not allowed up there!"
My face broke into a wide grin as I hurried down the docks and boarded the ship.
"Wha's your purpose in Port Royal, Mr. Smith?" The chubby guard asked.
"Yes," Piped up the other, "and no lies!"
I struggled up the wooden plank to the ship, breathless in anticipation.
"Very well then, I confess, "A deep rich voice rumbled from behind the ship's wheel, "It is my intention to commandeer one o' these ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage and plunder and otherwise pilfer my weasely black guts ou'."
There was a stunned silence that followed this statement.
"I said no lies!" The small, guard exclaimed.
His companion turned to him and whispered, "I think he's telling the truth."
The other guard sighed irritably, "If he were telling the truth he wouldn't 'ave told us."
The temptation was just too much. "Unless, of course," I cut in, climbing the steps to the wheel where they were all gathered, "he knew you wouldn't believe the truth, even if he told it to you!" I finished brightly, stepping forward.
I was face to face with Captain Jack Sparrow. In the flesh. And really the movie didn't do him a shred of justice. He did look like Johnny Depp, but harder, more drunk, and if it were at all possible he looked more attractive. He looked like a true pirate.
Sparrow's brows furrowed suspiciously, eyeing me, "My words exactly, lass. Speakin' of which…who are ye?"
That was a damn good question and my question was 'How the hell would I answer it?'
"Yes, who are you!" The dopey but sweet guard (I was pretty sure he was Murtogg) asked, "This deck is off limits to civilians!"
"Oh yeah?" I countered, "Well, what about him? Is he not a civilian? What, is he some giant canary!"
"A giant what…" The guard asked, confused.
"Ey, wait just a moment…!" Sparrow began, insulted, "…I don't even know what a canary is…"
"It's a big yellow bird," I told him, "Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that I have the right to be here just the same as he does." I said pointing an imperious finger at Sparrow.
"But who are you?" The guard asked again, putting his bayonette closer to my neck.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" I exclaimed, "I have a fear of anything sharp and pointy within cutting distance of my throat, thank you!"
"She looks like a wench." The guard remarked to his companion.
"Or a pirate…" The other added (most undoubtably Mullroy).
"No, no, both of ye are wrong!" Sparrow commented from behind the wheel, "Wha' she looks like…" he grinned wolfishly, "…is a strumpet."
"Ok, no, no, and…" I said coldly to each in turn ending with Sparrow's perverted guess, "definitely NOT."
Sparrow pouted adorably. I smiled at the sight. I turned to the two guards, "I'm a gypsy. Why else would I dress this way?" I asked, placing my hands on my hips.
Jack answered without permission, "Ta please the customers?"
I walked over to him, leaning down into his face, making him lean back his eyes widening comically.
"Another comment like that," I threatened, "and you will be slapped five times instead of four in the next few days."
"Is tha' so, love?" He grinned foolishly.
I rolled my eyes and pulled back to regard the soldiers.
"What brings you to Port Royal, miss?" The chubby one asked (okay so his name was Mullroy but I like giving out nicknames, as I'm sure you'll come to see in later progressions of this adventure)
"My business, of course." I replied.
"Aha! I knew it!" Sparrow exclaimed.
"Shut up, you!" The dopey one called over his shoulder at Sparrow. Turning back to me he pressed, "…and what business would that be?"
"I'm tellin' ye she's a bloody strumpet!" Jack cried.
Ignoring him, I continued, "Magic. I read palms, fortunes, your…future is an open book to me!" 'Or an open movie' I thought silently.
"Sure it bloody is!" Jack exclaimed staggering over.
"I'll prove it then, savvy?" I sneered at Sparrow, sweetly. He made a sweeping gesture with his hands, asking me to continue, a smug smile on his lips.
"Here give me your hand, " I asked the dopey guard, as I reached out and caught it in my own hands, "Let's see now…a long life line, oh a marriage to a kind woman who falls for your sweet and gentle nature…" The guard beamed at his comrade. Sparrow had his arms crossed over his chest and it looked as if he were bored to tears as he rolled his eyes heaven ward as if it could save him from this, "…but what's this?" I asked no one in particular, "I see you holding something in your hands…why, I don't believe it!"
"Neither do I…" grumbled Sparrow.
"What? WHAT!" The guard squeaked.
I laughed, "Well it looks…like a pink corset!"
Sparrow perked up hearing this. "Tha' sounds more like it!" He exclaimed, "A pink corset, eh?"
He came over and clamped an arm around dopey guards shoulder, "Ye sly old dog, ye!"
"I…I...I would never!" The poor guard stuttered. "You must have made some kind of mistake!" He stated desperately.
I shook my head, still laughing, "I'm sorry, I don't make up the fortunes, I just read 'em."
"Well then…do his!" He exclaimed, gesturing wildly at Sparrow.
Jack's eyes met mine. All the times I had gazed at them really didn't prepare me for this though. I gulped, "Alright then…" I murmured, "Give me your hand." I commanded, putting my hand forward. He eyed it warily.
"Yer not goin' ta curse me, are ye?"
"Not yet…now give me your hand."
He did. It was callused, rough, and warm. I cleared my throat loudly, "Alright, let's see here, many duels…I see a beer bottle hitting you over the head…"
Jack winced, "I bet tha'll hurt."
"Oh it will…" I continued, "…what else…I can see you calling a dog to you with a bone…I see a woman in red, a woman in blue, and a woman dressed as a man. The first two will slap you." I told tell him good naturedly.
"An'…" he asked hesitantly, "the third?"
"Oh, she'll slap you twice…"
His face scrunched into a grimace of pain. I smiled.
"I see you being hit by an oar…marooned on an island full of rum…"
"Doesn't sound like you have much luck." The chubby guard remarked.
"If it's an island full of rum, I consider tha' very lucky." Jack replied.
"Now a woman burns the rum…"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sparrow wailed. The two guards sniggered.
"Look, oh no, the rum is gone…" My smirk widened considerably.
"But why is the Rum gone!"
I laughed delightedly, "You'll find out later."
"Tha's it, I've 'ad enough!" He exclaimed pulling his hand way and turned to go.
"Wait!" I snatched at his hand, turning back, I brought his hand closer, "I see something wonderful in your future…"
"Not all the Rum was burned!" He said happily.
Jack's face fell.
"What I DO see is a setting sun on the sea's horizon. Something flies across the water to land on a ship with black sails."
The guards gazed at each other nervously, I faintly heard one of them murmur the words, "Black Pearl."
"What is it? What is the thing that flies?" Dopey guard asked.
"It's a bird of some sort," I claimed, "A Sparrow…" I looked up at Jack, who was regarding me with a look of strange uneasiness, "I believe."
"Is it now?" He asked, his voice thick. His eyes were narrowed again, surveying me seriously.
I shuffled my feet nervously and dropped his hand suddenly, "Yes well, I could just be making it all up."
"One can only hope." He murmured, rubbing his jaw as if thinking deeply.
"So…" I sighed uneasily, "what are you supposed to be?" I asked Sparrow.
"Now he looks like a pirate…" The chubby guard said.
"No, he looks like a STRUMPET!" I laughed, jeeringly.
"I do not!" Jack retorted, insulted. But really no one was paying attention as both of the guards were leaning on their bayonettes to keep from falling on the floor, laughing.
It seemed Sparrow could not keep a straight face either as he then pretended to BE a strumpet. He walked swinging his over zealously from side to side. He went from guard to guard, fluttering his lashes, hanging all over them, saying such things like, "Lookin' for some fun, soldier?" and "Bring several bottles of Rum and meet me in me room, savvy? I'll be waitin.'" Afterwards both of them were slapped by Sparrow the Street Prostitute when he accused them of being, "Bloody drunken scallywags and scurvy dogs!" And that he had to fake it in bed because, "Ye were so bloody awful, mate."
I did fall on the floor laughing and crying at the same time. Somewhere in my mind I knew that he wasn't making this up off the top of his head. He knew all this from personal experience.
"Say!" He exclaimed, "Tha' reminds me of the time I…"
I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and sat up, listening to Jack's tale.
"An' then…" He claimed proudly, moving his hands around like scuttling spiders, "…they made me their Chief!"
A resounding splash echoed in our ears. Jumping to their feet, the men gathered toward the side of the ship to see Miss Elizabeth Swann sink below the choppy waves. I took my time getting there.
Jack looked as if he really didn't particularily want to jump in there after her, "Erm…would ye be savin' 'er then?" He asked the guards.
"I can't swim!" The chubby one said.
Jack swung to look at me, "Wha' about ye, lass?"
"I'm not the hero type. I'm more the watch-you-get-drenched-and-laugh-uproariously-type." I told him, shrugging my shoulders.
"Saucy little tart…" He muttered, flinging his hat at me, turning back to the guards he mumbled, "Some pride of the Royal Navy ye are. Do not lose these!" He demanded, shoving his effects in their hands, and in a single bound he dived from the ship.
"Well, come on chaps!" I exclaimed putting Jack's hat on my head so that it tipped to one side precariously, and slapped them both on the back. "Let's go down to the dock, shall we?" I jumped down and made to unboard the ship.
"Why?" The dopey one asked, following me in fast pursuit.
"Because that's where they'll resurface." I told them smartly as I stalked toward the end of the dock.
"How do you know this?" The chubby one panted trying to keep up.
I stopped at the end and gestured to my clothes, "Uh, hellllllllllllloooooooo…gypsy?"
Dopey's face broke into a cute smile, "Ohhhh…right!"
A shudder came from beneath us. The medallion calling from the depths.
"What was that?" Dopey asked.
"That, old chum," I said seriously, "was trouble."
A second later Jack broke the surface of the water with Elizabeth in tow, slung over his shoulder. It was a tangle of limbs as the guards hauled her off of him, laying her down on the wood. I offered Jack my hand, laughing.
"Thank ye, lass." He said, using my force to get him out of the water. I smiled warmly.
Jack's head snapped to look at Elizabeth, "Move!" He commanded, shoving the guards aside, kneeling over her. Taking out his knife he made to cut the corset open, but then dropped it suddenly and decided to just rip it open instead.
Elizabeth jerked to life, rolling over on to her side, coughing up water and breathing deeply, gasping for air into her lungs. Jack threw the corset to Dopey.
"Wow!" Chubby exclaimed, "I would never have thought of that!"
Jack looked up at him disbelievingly and worn out, husked, "Clearly ye've never been ta Singapore."
I snorted. Jack looked up grinning, but turned back to Elizabeth as she began to take in her surroundings. His eyes caught a hold of something on her, narrowed, and he extended his hand to her neck. Busted.
My ears caught the sound of running steps and shouts of the Navy. I could see the Commodore running down the wooden boards of the docks to us.
"Where did ye get tha'?" Jack asked her soberly and grim. I glared at her. I knew where she had gotten it, stolen it's more the word.
A sharpened blade sung as it pointed at Sparrow's neck.
"On your feet." Commodore Norrington threatened.
Jack eyed the tip of the sword calmly, but rose all the same, his hands raised at his side.
The governor hurried forward, helping Elizabeth to her feet, "Are you all right?" He asked worridly, putting his light grey blue jacket over her wet and shivering form.
"Yes, yes I'm fine!" She persisted, murmuring.
"What on earth…"He began when he caught sight of Dopey holding his daughter's corset in his hands.
Dopey just now seemed to realize he was holding it, making him look incredibly guilty. He started violently seeing it, his eyes flicked to mine and widened now doubt recalling my prophes, dropped it and pointed at Sparrow.
The governor jerked the coat tighter around Elizabeth, "Shoot him!"
"Father!" Elizabeth shouted.
"What?" He looked exasperatedly at her.
"Commodore!" Elizabeth urged again, "Do you really intend to kill my rescuer?"
Norrington looked at Sparrow doubtfully but finally sheathed his sword, "I believe thanks are in order." He said pompously, extending his hand.
"Damn right…" I muttered.
The Commodore shot me a superior glance, seeming to sum me up and found me no threat. Jack quirked a brow, then turning back to the Commodore, seemed to internally debate shaking his hand. Warily, he made his decision.
I winced slightly as the Commodore turned over his hand and flung up his sleeve, revealing his pirate brand.
"Had a brush with the East India Trading Company did we, pirate?"
Jack grimaced as if any moment he would snap his fingers and go, "Damn."
The governor jerked his coat yet tighter still and said in his extremely high and girlish voice, "Hang him!"
"Gillette!" The Commodore ordered sharply still inspecting Sparrow's arm, "go and fetch some irons! Keep your guns on him, men!"
I wondered if ol' Gillette knew in the future he would be named after a woman's razor.
"Well, well," Norrington murmured disgusted, revealing the tattoo of a Sparrow, "Jack Sparrow, is it?" He sneered dropping his hand.
"Captain Jack Sparrow…if ye please, sir," Jack corrected.
"Really?" Norrington smirked, "Well I don't see your ship…Captain."
Jack tilted his head to one side comically and admitted sadly, "I'm in the market…as it were."
"He said he'd come to comendere one." Dopey said frankly.
"Told ya he was telling the truth!" The chubby one proclaimed. Stepping forward he brought Jack's effects to the Commodore, "These are his, sir."
"Oh and the hat!" Dopey exclaimed, rushing over to snatch it from its perch on my head.
"Touch me," I warned, "and you'll never have children."
The guard blanched and stepped away fearing for his limbs.
"It's all right," Norrington told him, "Unless the fugitive…"
"Standin' righ' 'ere!" Jack protested.
"Unless there is a dagger hidden beneath that hat, there is nothing we need to fear from the girl."
I took off the hat and looked inside, mumbling, "I think I would have FELT it if there WAS a dagger…"
"Silence." Norrington commanded.
"Right ho, gov'na!" I shouted, "Whoops I mean…Commodore…"
Everyone gawked at me.
Standing straight backed and proud, I saluted Norrington.
"You two," He called to Dopey and Chubby.
"They have names ya know!" I defended them, "Well, if they do, I really don't know what they are cause I wasn't there when they were Christianed and…"
"…you men…" He said again pointing a finger at me, "gag her, if only to keep her quiet."
"What?" I shouted, "Back off, Kato! I know Judo!" I hissed at the guards as they approached, frightened.
While I was trying to Judo Chop the soldiers to pieces, Norrington was taking stock of what Jack had in his possession.
"One pistol with no additional shot nor gun powder…" He droned.
"Watch the hair, buddy!"
"…a compass that doesn't point north…"
"EXCUSE ME! I do not believe I gave you permission to put your hands there!"
"Well, if you would stop moving…" Chubby guy complained.
I caught sight of the Commodores slight blush at my blunt words and Sparrow's rakish grin because of it. Norrington cleared his throat trying to clear the rosy color creeping up his neck, pulling Jack's sword from it's sheathe, "And I half expected it to be made of wood," He smirked yet again, "You are, without a doubt the worst pirate I have ever heard of."
I ducked around both guards to get closer to hear this line.
Jack raised his finger, making a very good point, "But ye 'AVE 'eard of me, mate."
I beamed, and holding up a finger I said, "Jack: One, Norrington: not a damn thing."
The Commodore wasn't listening to me as the shackles arrived then and he pulled Jack away from me. Elizabeth rushed forward at the same time throwing her father's jacket on the docks, angrily. I never did understand why she did that. Did she want to be half undressed, surrounded and ogled by men? I still didn't get it. "Commodore, I really must protest!"
"Ah, hell I object too!" I shouted.
"I thought I told you to gag that wench!" Norrington barked.
"Whoa! Hey, there! Gypsy. GYPSY! No need to use slanders!"
"Silence her." Norrington commanded.
Elizabeth seemed oblivious to the fact that no one at the moment was paying attention to her, and stormed on standing in front of Jack, as if she could protect him. Jack was being fitted quite snuggly in a tight pair of irons.
"Pirate or not," Elizabeth argued, "this man saved my life!"
"One good deed is not enough to redeem a man of a lifetime of wickedness," the Commodore reasoned coldly.
"Though it seems enough ta condemn 'im." Jack added, conversationally over his shoulder as Gillette finished handcuffing him.
I tensed myself expectantly as Gillette stepped away from Sparrow.
"Finally." He muttered, swinging forward and placing the thick iron chain around Elizabeth's neck.
The effect was instantaneous. Startled, Elizabeth cried out sharply, while all of the soldiers aimed their swords and guns at the both of them.
"No!" The governor shouted, "No, don't shoot!" They obeyed, but a righteous fire burned in the Commodore's eyes.
"I knew ye'd warm up ta me," Jack murmured in that thick-sexy voice of his. Elizabeth was so damn lucky! "Commodore my effects please…oh," he added as an after thought, "and me 'at."
No one moved to do his request.
"Commodore!" Jack threatened, pulling tightly on the chains. Norrington yelled at someone to get his things.
"Elizabeth," Jack asked, "It is Elizabeth, isn't it?"
"It's Miss Swann." She growled.
His voice seemed to yawn at her name, "Miss Swann, if ye would be so kind."
The soldier came with Sparrow's things and Elizabeth took them. Spinning her around to face him, he murmured huskily, "Now if ye would be VERY kind."
I WANTED TO BE VERY KIND!
Moving angrily, she dressed him in his effects, snapping tightly on his belt. Jack sent the Commodore a self satisfying smile over her shoulder. One of her snaps almost snipped something because Jack groaned out in a very blush inducing way, "Easy on the good, love."
"You're despicable!" She hissed finishing up.
"Sticks an' stones, love. I saved yer life, ye saved mine. We're square…an' where's me 'at!" He shouted over her shoulder.
"Out of my way!" I declared, pushing through the crowd to stand before Jack and his current hostage.
"Be a good lass, an' bring 'Ol Jack his 'at." He asked pleasantly.
"Depends," I shot back, crossing my arms over my chest. I looked up defiantly at him, "What do I get for my trouble?"
"Tell ye what, I'll think abou' yer reward as ye bring it over, savvy?"
"Savvy." I nodded my head, coming over.
As I approached, he cocked his head, "It actually looks good on ye, lass." He remarked surprised as I walked behind him.
"Not half as good as it looks on you, Captain." I confessed, placing it atop his head.
"Couldn't agree more, actually." He said as I stepped back, "Sorry to inform ye, love, but I 'aven't thought of a reward."
"I have." I claimed, "And there'll be plenty of time to tell you later…So now, I'll just be going…"
"You will stay where you are." The Commodore commanded tersely.
I had begun to walk away but turned slowly on my heel to face him with a furious gaze, "I KNOW you did NOT just order me to do something…"
Jack raised both brows, darting glances between the two of us.
"I did indeed. You just assisted the fugitive. You are now a suspect and you will do as I say…"
"Or you'll do what exactly," I sneered, "hit me with that fisshhhhhh?"
Everyone just stared at me.
"Well, ok, so maybe there isn't any fish but it just reminded me of Dogma then, ya know, when 'I'm the Metatron…"
"She's barking mad!" Dopey whispered.
"And for heavens sake, where is her gag!" The Commodore shouted.
"We tried, sir." Chubby defended.
"Enough of this!" The Commodore snapped impatiently, "You will do as I say or you will answer to the law."
"Gypsy." I told him, "I don't answer to the law."
"Sharp litt'l tart, ain't she?" Jack voiced clearly amused.
"If you will not answer to the law you will answer to a barred cell." The Commodore threatened.
"Not yet!" I whispered, turned fast and sprinted down the docks, I'm sure he would have followed me if Jack hadn't called out, "Commodore! I still 'ave a pretty litt'l lass tha's in need of a rescue 'ere!"
I silently thanked Sparrow's quick thinking as I continued my run. I turned around some hundred feet away when I heard shouts and gunshots, in enough time to see Jack go around and round his own personal merry-go-round. Smiling, I turned and kept running, heading straight for the Blacksmiths.
I AM THE AUTHOR OF THIS CHAPTER, AND WHEN I SAY ME I MEAN "LEANAN SIDHE" ALSO KNOWN AS "THAT CRAZY ASS GIRL BEHIND THE COMPUTER" AND "JACK SPARROW'S BONNY LASS"